Shameful Posted December 31, 2024 Share Posted December 31, 2024 I (27m) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (23f) since March. At first, obviously, things were really good. The sex was great, communication was high and easy and she was acting a little detached which helped a lot with my codependency issues. Since August however, things have started to take a turn for the worst. We constantly get into fights (sometimes even physical on both sides), she picks on everything I do or don't do, uses what I told her in confidence (essentially about mental health) against me, and constantly takes "no" as a personal attack. Since the start of September I have essentially stopped working towards this relationship and have tried multiple times to end it. Some of the things she picks on are rational and genuine (mostly due to the fact that we got together just after I got out of a LTR, and I'm maybe not the most mentally stable person currently), but some are just her imagining stuff (such as "oh you haven't answered my text in an hour you must be cheating" etc). I get that even if we do genuinely care for each other, it might not work and that it's ok. I've tried to talk to her about it and she goes from one extreme to the other. Sometimes she's purely rational and she admits that neither of us are getting what we need and want from this and then the next day she'll accuse me of anything under the sun and send texts to my friends and ex to make me react. She's told me over 4 times now that she's about to unalive herself to make me come to her place (works every time like a charm). She will ask me to block her from my phone and then when I do and therefore don't answer her will be waiting for me outside my place because she's worried. She'll threaten to tell my coworkers about everything that happened (or not) to make my life hell if I leave. And then we talk again and she agrees that we should end things. She will break up and then the next day blame me if I've gone to see some friends as it means I don't want to spend time with her. She suggested yesterday that we move to be only friends with benefits (her terms). I agreed first because I'm never able to say no (even in general) and second because I naively thought it would give me some space and a way out in a few. Today she's already back at texting all day long and sending couple nicknames. I want out but I can't see a way where this happens with minimum damage. I'm fed up. This is taking a huge toll on my already not so good mental health. I hate the person I become when we fight. I don't want to hurt her but I can't make her understand that things are finished and that I could never bring her what she wants and needs. How can I get out of this mess? How can I get her to finally understand that we are only hurting each other? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 31, 2024 Share Posted December 31, 2024 (edited) You don't need to make her understand anything! Always remember that you don't need someone's agreement or permission to end a relationship. Simply tell her that the relationship isn't working for you and you don't want to be with her anymore. If you think you're at risk of getting sucked back in, make sure you've got anything valuable from her place before doing it. With her threatening to make your life hell if you leave, and telling coworkers everything, does she actually have access to your coworkers? If she does, beat her to the punch by telling the coworkers that she's nuts and to please block her. Do you have any of her threats in text form? Don't hesitate to put a restraining order on her if need be. Edited December 31, 2024 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 1 hour ago, Shameful said: How can I get her to finally understand that we are only hurting each other? You can’t. And you don’t need to. Simply break up with her and make sure she can’t physically hurt you or damage you in other ways. Cut off all contact with her. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 2 hours ago, Shameful said: She's told me over 4 times now that she's about to unalive herself to make me come to her place (works every time like a charm). Oh, absolutely not. You should not be coming to her place when she says this. You ignore and block her. If you genuinely think she's serious about harming herself then you send the police to her house. But you don't let her use this to manipulate you. You seriously need to just end it. Let the pieces fall where they may. You warn your coworkers in advance that you have a psycho ex gf who has said she is going to tell them things, and not to believe them. If she shows up at your house you call the police and get a restraining order, until she finally gets tired of harassing you and moves on. You really need to just rip the band aid off and end this beyond toxic relationship. Staying in it one day longer won't make the situation any better. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 2 hours ago, Shameful said: How can I get her to finally understand that we are only hurting each other? You can't get her to understand anything. You cannot reason with an insane person. You need to stop giving her a choice. You stop giving in to her manipulation, end it and get a restraining order. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 This is a new year and a new slate for you. Tell her it's over, you block her everywhere. Tell her if she tries to come to your place or your work you will call the police, and do it !! You cannot do this without hurting her, she is unstable. Some people need to hit the bottom to go get help. Let her hit bottom if it's what she is chosing to do with her life. You have other life plans. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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