Keshkesh241 Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 So I’ll give a re cap and my thoughts as well. Just looking for your thoughts on the matter and some advice on how to navigate it. a coworker of mine from the last couple of months have been hitting it off and eventually till now we have feelings for each other. It was unexpected and came outta no where. She does have a boyfriend and at this point in time, she basically cheated on him with me. She tells me some info that they have been together since high school and it’s a 7 year long relationship. She says it’s been rocky and they rarely hang out alone besides group get togethers. She mentions to me she’s mentally checked out, and that me being in coming into the picture was unexpected. I know getting intimate with a girl who cheated is messed up. And I don’t expect anything coming out of this, I don’t expect her to all of a sudden to choose me over her bf. She is still a good friend and coworker. She says to me that I would be an easy choice for her if she was single to get with me and I half believe it obviously. She also mentions it’s the difficulty to leave a 7 year long relationship. And I completely understand that 7 years is a long ass time, it was hard for me to leave my ex of only 2 years. My thoughts that come to me that confuses me is why does a girl not leave a relationship when all the check marks are checked when it comes to leaving a relationship. IE: it’s gotten boring, he’s putting no effort, they rarely see each other, they’re in arguments. I’m kind of clueless but not really on what to do here. In perfect world I see would be her leaving her boyfriend for me, but this isn’t a perfect world. And that would be stupid and meaningless. So I don’t expect her to get with me, if anything I wish she stays single if she leaves because of what I said above, those are signs that a relationship should be let go. I'm trying to understand all parties and learn from this. But i don’t know maybe I'm missing something here. You guys and be straight forward and blunt with me here I need the brutal answer. Am I just being lead on? Or just used for attention because her bf isn’t giving it to her. Or is it one of those things where something new comes and it’s interesting for her. I personally don’t have crazy (a lot) of feelings for her just because of how things unfolded it isn’t the normal route to have feelings for someone obviously. But I do have some because she is a good and genuine person. I’m kinda like this emoji 😐 if things were to get better or worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 She might be just leading you on. She might be using you for attention. She might be just lonely and miserable and longing for romance with anyone. She might be developing genuine feelings for you and seeing you as a potential long-term romantic partner. That’s the thing with affairs, you never really know what’s going on. And there is only one way to find out: have her break up with her boyfriend and start a real relationship with you. Until she does that, everything is pure conjecture. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Chrysalis Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 As is typical with affairs, she's probably enjoying the attention and dopamine hit she's getting from it. That's not a criticism of you like you're not a good catch or something, but it is how most affairs happen....long relationships get stale and expectations of how it "should" feel take over....even to the point of the "bored" person believing lies about their own relationship to justify the cheating. And don't forget, if she'll do it with you, she'll do it to you. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 I notice the OP is in the 18-24 year old age bracket so he is the age where most everyone is still exploring. I remember when I was in college when I was that age women would have boyfriends back home yet they would also have a guy they were sleeping with on campus. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 2 hours ago, Keshkesh241 said: So I’ll give a re cap and my thoughts as well. Just looking for your thoughts on the matter and some advice on how to navigate it. a coworker of mine from the last couple of months have been hitting it off and eventually till now we have feelings for each other. It was unexpected and came outta no where. She does have a boyfriend and at this point in time, she basically cheated on him with me. She tells me some info that they have been together since high school and it’s a 7 year long relationship. She says it’s been rocky and they rarely hang out alone besides group get togethers. She mentions to me she’s mentally checked out, and that me being in coming into the picture was unexpected. I know getting intimate with a girl who cheated is messed up. And I don’t expect anything coming out of this, I don’t expect her to all of a sudden to choose me over her bf. She is still a good friend and coworker. She says to me that I would be an easy choice for her if she was single to get with me and I half believe it obviously. She also mentions it’s the difficulty to leave a 7 year long relationship. And I completely understand that 7 years is a long ass time, it was hard for me to leave my ex of only 2 years. My thoughts that come to me that confuses me is why does a girl not leave a relationship when all the check marks are checked when it comes to leaving a relationship. IE: it’s gotten boring, he’s putting no effort, they rarely see each other, they’re in arguments. I’m kind of clueless but not really on what to do here. In perfect world I see would be her leaving her boyfriend for me, but this isn’t a perfect world. And that would be stupid and meaningless. So I don’t expect her to get with me, if anything I wish she stays single if she leaves because of what I said above, those are signs that a relationship should be let go. I'm trying to understand all parties and learn from this. But i don’t know maybe I'm missing something here. You guys and be straight forward and blunt with me here I need the brutal answer. Am I just being lead on? Or just used for attention because her bf isn’t giving it to her. Or is it one of those things where something new comes and it’s interesting for her. I personally don’t have crazy (a lot) of feelings for her just because of how things unfolded it isn’t the normal route to have feelings for someone obviously. But I do have some because she is a good and genuine person. I’m kinda like this emoji 😐 if things were to get better or worse. i've been in your shoes in nearly identical situations, and what's most likely to happen would be: she leaves her boyfriend, and sleeps with you for a while, but also finds a new boyfriend and then stops seeing you. the general dynamic ends up that you become the rebound or stepping stone from the boyfriend until she finds a new one. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 Give this one a big miss, if her long-term partner can't trust her no one else should. Cheating on her boyfriend with a co-worker is tacky AF and tells you a whole lot about her, none of it good. She's using her boyfriend, and she's using you, and she's not a "good and genuine" person, she's just a good at manipulating men. Maybe that's part of the reason her current relationship turned sour. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 (edited) 5 hours ago, Keshkesh241 said: She says to me that I would be an easy choice for her if she was single It sounds like you were an easy choice for her even though she is in another relationship. 5 hours ago, Keshkesh241 said: What confuses me is why does a girl not leave a relationship when all the check marks are checked when it comes to leaving a relationship. You are assuming that this woman who is you know for a fact is lying and cheating on her chosen partner is being honest with you… do you think this is a wise decision? Has she proven herself to be honest or trustworthy? 5 hours ago, Keshkesh241 said: I'm trying to understand all parties and learn from this. But i don’t know maybe I'm missing something here. I think the thing that you are missing here is your own personal responsibility in this situation. A woman does not “cheat with you” without your consent. I would advise you to spend less time worrying about her and more time thinking about the kind of man you want to be because, this is not a good look for you. You know what I mean? Edited January 3 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 Yeah and if the people involved were a little older I think this would be more of an issue. 20 year olds sleep around though. And if they don't you better marry them. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Chrysalis Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 8 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Yeah and if the people involved were a little older I think this would be more of an issue. 20 year olds sleep around though. And if they don't you better marry them. I'm a parent to two of them....neither are unfaithful to their partners. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 45 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Yeah and if the people involved were a little older I think this would be more of an issue. 20 year olds sleep around though. And if they don't you better marry them. There's a difference between 'sleeping around' (AKA enjoying casual sex) and cheating. I know 20yos who are cool with casual sex, but I don't know anything about them cheating any more than previous generations Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 (edited) 14 minutes ago, basil67 said: There's a difference between 'sleeping around' (AKA enjoying casual sex) and cheating. I know 20yos who are cool with casual sex, but I don't know anything about them cheating any more than previous generations Based on what the OP said about her I'm not sure she is really dating the guy. She said they rarely hang out and when they do it's in group settings. That's not really dating. That's basically called 'hanging out'. Edited January 3 by Sony12 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 7 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Based on what the OP said about her I'm not sure she is really dating the guy. She said they rarely hang out and when they do it's in group settings. That's not really dating. That's basically called 'hanging out'. How many people who cheat tell their affair partner that their relationship is basically dead as a justification for cheating? All of them. It’s probably true for some of them, but still not justification to betray one’s partner. I mean, this is so ridiculously transparent that it’s difficult to believe people actually fall for it… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 1 hour ago, Sony12 said: Yeah and if the people involved were a little older I think this would be more of an issue. 20 year olds sleep around though. And if they don't you better marry them. Marrying such a young person is generally not a good idea, whether they sleep around or not. But I’d much rather suggest marrying a 30 year old who did sleep around when they were 20 than one who didn’t. It’s good to get romantic and sexual curiosity out of your system first before you tie the knot. I think it’s completely fine and even beneficial for a young person to be restless and experiment and have romantic encounters with different people. The OP’s topic is hardly about sleeping around, though. It’s about cheating. And cheating is an altogether different beast. It has nothing to do with sleeping around. I have seen too many cheaters who were virgins just prior to their cheating, and too many faithful partners who had slept around mightily before they settled down. Cheating often has little to do with sex and more to do with the person’s mental and ethical problems. It is a symptom of a disease that is rooted in the spirit, not the body. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 7 hours ago, Miss Chrysalis said: And don't forget, if she'll do it with you, she'll do it to you. As a former cheater turned into a vehement opponent of cheating, I have to say that this is the one criticism of cheating that misses the mark. While I do believe that cheating is always wrong, there can be no certainty that the cheater in question is chronic or unrepentant. A cheater can cheat in one relationship and then stop cheating in their next one for a variety of reasons. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: As a former cheater turned into a vehement opponent of cheating, I have to say that this is the one criticism of cheating that misses the mark. While I do believe that cheating is always wrong, there can be no certainty that the cheater in question is chronic or unrepentant. A cheater can cheat in one relationship and then stop cheating in their next one for a variety of reasons. I think in general though just like with everything else when people have done something once it becomes easier to do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Chrysalis Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 37 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: As a former cheater turned into a vehement opponent of cheating, I have to say that this is the one criticism of cheating that misses the mark. While I do believe that cheating is always wrong, there can be no certainty that the cheater in question is chronic or unrepentant. A cheater can cheat in one relationship and then stop cheating in their next one for a variety of reasons. A better way to say it might be "don't be surprised if...." because you're right. There is redemption. I appreciate the gentle correction. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 It's hard because she knows she's so thirsty, how she feels about you could fizzle out in no time once she dumps her BF. (rebound) She still has a solid stable life with her BF even tho things have gotten stale. She has invested 7 years, had hopes and dreams of being together forever. Never believe the relationship is that bad. It usually is not. Some people find themselves lonely and unfulfilled, so they cheat to get a hit of feeling good just temporarily. You need to back off, and tell her to get her head straight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Interstellar Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 (edited) This chick is working two cons. Tell her when she gets rid of the boyfriend then you two will date, IF you’re still single at that time. Meanwhile, continue dating other women. Edited January 4 by Interstellar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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