Self sabotage

[Sillymeg]

Hey there,

 

Im in a relationship & he is amazing & I love him so much. 
 

Unfortunately he is currently serving some time in prison as he had his own mental breakdown when his Dad died & made some poor choices. 
 

It’s been 7 months, I’ve supported him every step of the way. I visit every week & write to him every night. 
He is due to get out next month. 
We were both friends with a guy before he went in but he was always funny about me and the guy thinking there was something going on. 
There never was but it’s something that plays on him still & obviously with not much else to think about atm he has insecurities. 
 

I stayed away from this guy & didn’t maintain the friendship to make him feel better. 
Until today. The friend called me & I went & hung out with him. 
I have 100% zero interest in him as anything more than a friend, but I knew that it was a terrible idea yet I still did it. 
 

I feel like I did this to self sabotage my relationship. Like I’ve waited 7 months for my partner & been so loyal and then when he gets a release date I suddenly go and hang out with the one person that would hurt my partner if he knew. 
 

Like I finally have a chance at having a real go at an amazing life with my partner & I deliberately do something I know would be a deal breaker to him. 
 

I hate myself so much right now. I feel physically sick & am so upset with my choices. 
I thought I had come so far with my own insecurities in therapy that I wouldn’t make such a terrible decision. 
But yet here we are. 
How do I stop myself from ruining my own relationship that I want so bad? 
 

I feel like I’ve already done it now anyway. He will probably never forgive me or trust me & he already has trust issues from his Mums infidelity with his Dad.

 

Why do I always do things like this to myself? It’s like a part of me wants me to be miserable. 
I’m heartbroken & it’s all my own fault.

[Gaeta]

How long had you been in a relationship with this man before he got sent to jail? 

Listen: your boyfriend is controlling and untrusting. You are afraid of him and of his reaction, that should tell you this is not a man to be in a relationship with.

Sabotaging yourself would be to continue catering to this man. You know deep down he's not good for you. That's why you did something that you knew would end the relationship.

[Sillymeg]

We were best mates for 6 months then together romantically for 4 before he went in. 
 

I hear you Gaeta, I do. He does have trust issues. But I also see it as he made one request of me not to see that guy & I didn’t listen. 
But then he never listened to me that there was never anything going on with the friend. He also didn’t listen the one time I tried to explain to him that I wanted to be friends with this other guy still. 

Ugh I hate to say it but you are actually so right. 
He doesn’t like me speaking to any men, it’s not just this one friend. 
That’s controlling behaviour. 
 

I was in a previous relationship for 2 years & all I did was cater to my ex’s every command & it was never enough. It ended very badly & I swore I’d never tolerate that again. 

I do really love him & I believe he loves me. But I suppose love isn’t always enough.

I guess I have a lot more work to do on myself still to not repeat patterns.

I still feel terrible for doing it though, regardless of whether the relationship works we were friends first & I would have liked to maintain that friendship. That’s not going to happen when he finds out & gets so upset at me. I also feel terrible for contributing further to his distrust in women. 

[Gaeta]

I am glad you're able to self analyze. 

He has been in jail almost as long as you've known him. You do not know him that much. You know one thing though, if pushed he will strike violently enough to deserve jail time right?

You know you have a pattern of falling for controlling men. You know the saying: a problem is half solved once you acknowledge it. I am afraid he is not only controling but also violent. It's a dangerous combo. 

We cannot control our partner. We can express our discomfort to our partner but we cannot control them into doing or not doing something.

I am interested in hearing why you went to hang out with this friend? Is he an ex?

Edited January 4 by Gaeta

[Sillymeg]

No, not an ex. Strictly platonic. 
My partner introduced me to him & the 3 of us used to hang out all together. But then my partner & I started to get more serious & he just always had this hang up that something had happened between me & the friend before we got serious. 

I get along with the friend really well & as friends we connect & understand each other. I’m not usually someone to connect easily with people in more than a superficial level so I would like to have him as a friend. I also liked talking to him because he understands my relationship with my partner & he understands the whole him going to jail part.

My partner can be violent, but has only ever shown that violence to other men. I like to believe he would never hurt me in that way. 

I’m not making excuses rather offering an explanation..he grew up in a bad situation & was abused but he has blocked most of it out. Now all that remains is an angry broken man who doesn’t understand why he’s so angry. He is seeking help for his temper.

I know it’s a short time overall to know someone, but again there is a special connection between the 2 of us. I feel seen and heard by him in a way I have never before.

I have never really felt like I can be honest with another person about my real self & all the thoughts in my head (I’m bipolar) but I let him in & he reads me like no one has ever paid enough attention to.

You are also right in the fact that I am probably already aware it won’t work but it’s sad to admit that & to see that connection go.

It can be a lonely world. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Sillymeg said:

have never really felt like I can be honest with another person about my real self & all the thoughts in my head

But you cannot really be honest with him, not without experiencing fear of repercusion. So his openness has limits.

Dating an angry broken man is never a good idea. 

There is no such a thing as a violent man that only lashes out at other men. You just did not spend enough time with him. It usually starts with being controling, then a little push here, a little wrist squeezing there to test your tolerance to BS and finally will come a big blows. Of course he will feel terribly about it, he will promise it will never happen again, blahblah. Women all have the same story.

What ever you decide to do, l know you will remember reading this when the cycle starts.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

9 hours ago, Sillymeg said:

He doesn’t like me speaking to any men, it’s not just this one friend. 
That’s controlling behaviour. 

Why would you tolerate this?  It's not normal for a man to forbid his girlfriend to speak to any other men.  Completely controlling behavior and it will only get worse.

9 hours ago, Sillymeg said:

 

My partner can be violent, but has only ever shown that violence to other men. I like to believe he would never hurt me in that way. 

"I like to believe"?  You don't even sound sure about that.

[Gebidozo]

We all have issues and some of us have traumatic experiences in the past. That does not justify violent or controlling behavior. You didn’t sabotage the relationship. There is nothing wrong with hanging out with a friend, and your boyfriend doesn’t have the right to forbid you to meet other men.