How do I (31M) deal with my girlfriend's (26F) consistent online obsession with another guy

[shadow1253]

Backstory
Been in an exclusive relationship with this girl for about 4 years, we live together for 3 years.

A few weeks into meeting her, dating and sleeping together. I noticed that she had added a new guy on Facebook and he was interacting with all her posts. I was curious who this new fellow was so after a few months of continually seeing him comment on her posts, I had casually asked her about him. She said that she had met him on Hinge before, but they had never met even though they are in the same city. Following this she made her own decision to remove him as a friend on Facebook because it didn’t feel appropriate to either of us.

Problem
I’ve come to the realization that she is consistently monitoring this guy and has been obsessed with him to the point that his purchases and lifestyle decisions have a very strong influence on her. This has been going on for about 3 years, which seems to be awfully long time to be obsessed with someone else when you’re already in a relationship.

 

Examples + How do I know
Every 1-3 months randomly she will start talking about making a new purchase, picking up a new hobby or changing something up. I’ve begun to nice this pattern and have been following it closely. Whenever she does this, I end up checking out this dudes social and he has recently made a post regarding one of these items/hobbies etc…


Here are some examples of things she’s gotten obsessed with after seeing this guy post about it (but there are many more):

1. “I want to get a Honda motorcycle” (After seeing this guy post about his new Honda motorcycle, even though she’s never expressed an interest in this before)
2. “I want to get a pair of All-birds shoes” then she goes and buys them (Even though its not even close to her style, she typically only wears boots)
3. I want to get this specific hat then goes and buys it and wears it (Even though I’ve never seen her wear a hat)
5. “You should try this new haircut out, I think its a good look” -> Her telling me to get a new hairstyle after seeing this guy post with the exact style she is recommending
4. “We should go travel to Boston” -> Recent post of guy in Boston
5” I want to go to pick up playing Guitar” -> After this guy posts about taking up guitar

I’ve also noticed her taking on expressions and language that this guy has been using on social media.
It’s so weird, as this guys preferences, hobbies and taste change over the years…hers does to and it matches his. She is mirroring this guy.

This is not a coincidence, I’m not paranoid, I’m 110% sure this is the case.
 

Why I think this is a problem

- Don’t want another guy (who I don’t think is a great influence) to have such impact on my girlfriends lifestyle decisions

- I feel weird about my girlfriend stalking another guy she finds attractive (and may have a history with)

- I’m worried that this behaviour might indicate future cheating

I don’t know how to move forward from here, I’ve tried to ask her about why she is so obsessed with picking up X hobby or making X purchase and she denies, lies, deflects (even though I make it clear that I find it odd/out of character). I feel weird about a directly asking her about this as it will show that I’ve been some what of an investigator (and may come across as insecure).

Am I being insecure or is this an actual problem?

TLDR:
I (31M) am concerned that My GF (26F) is having an unhealthy obsession with another guy because she’s consistently monitoring his social media over the past years and mirroring his purchases and lifestyle decisions.

[Gaeta]

It's a little bit of both.

I'm not an insecure person but if l feel something is off l will be tempted to check if something is up. I think it's part of human nature to do so. That being said: checking just to check is not the same and is  obsessive. She's been checking him for 4 years, you've been checking her for 4 years, l would call both behavior obsessive.

Now that you felt something was off, now that you know what it is, why are you still in this relationship?

Edited January 4 by Gaeta

[shadow1254]

@Gaeta
Do you think her behaviour is normal? ok?
Would it be grounds to end a relationship?

I guess that is part of my question

[Els]

I wouldn't say it's a "coincidence", but there are trends that sweep through a peer group every few months or so. If she's in the same age range as this person and they have similar tastes, she's going to be mirroring her peers, of which he is one. At 26, this is honestly fairly common. The older you get, the less likely it is for trends to affect you.

It's okay for you to express to her that you wish she wouldn't do that, but it sounds very unlikely to me that she has a serious romantic obsession with him. The main reason why I'm skeptical of it is that if she did, the natural instinct would be to hide it from you, not to talk about it so openly. The fact that she's so open with you leads me to think that if there's anything at all there, it's probably harmless and not a threat to your relationship unless you make it one.

Is everything else going well with your relationship?

[Foxhall]

At four years together she might be just getting a little bored of you,

shes still young and does she want to continue in a long term relationship with you or is it time to do some more exploring and broadening her horizons,

maybe you should show her your up for some new adventures yourself before she gets bored and leaves you for the guy you mention ,

Id say she might even prefer some single time give her time to develop her own pursuits.

brace yourself to be prepared to let her go. I think for her best interests.

[Miss Chrysalis]

I can't blame you for not wanting to reveal your investigation, but I think you should anyway. She may get mad, but it will mostly be at being "found out." Her behavior is highly unusual and even bordering on an emotional affair (her emotional and mental energy is going toward this guy, not you). You're not crazy.

Are you positive she's not communicating with him in some way? 

[Gebidozo]

Personally, I find your GF’s obsession with that guy unhealthy. I would have probably considered that a dealbreaker.

I don’t think you’re being insecure by disliking that. I do think you’re being insecure by being afraid of looking insecure. In other words, you should definitely tell her you know what’s all about. And, unless she offers some truthful explanation that you’ll be able to accept, you might want to prepare for some unpleasant news.

 

[Miss Chrysalis]

15 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I do think you’re being insecure by being afraid of looking insecure. In other words, you should definitely tell her you know what’s all about.

 

 

YES!!! Shadow, I've been in your shoes (afraid to speak up and revel the snooping/investigating) and I did not speak up. I regret it immensely.  Speak up. You've nothing to be embarrassed about. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't be able to date someone who I felt I needed to monitor this closely. 

Her behaviour is odd to the point where I would be uncomfortable, and keeping this close an eye on her (and him) is not how I would want to be in a relationship. I would set myself free. 

 

 

[smackie9]

Whatever her deal is with this guy...it's not going away. Maybe she has OCD of some kind or to fulfill a need to feel important or thinks this is how she can get close to him. If she's not willing to talk about it, maybe get counselling, dismisses it, then your next step would be to part ways.

[shadow1254]

@Gaeta @Els @Foxhall @Miss Chrysalis @ExpatInItaly @smackie9

Thank you all for taking time to leave your thoughts, it's really helpful to hear some validation for what I'm feeling here.

The weirdest thing is that most of the time she is trying to keep this relationship together and quite clearly doesn't want to break up (whenever we get into conflicts and I mention breaking up if she can't respect boundaries — she begs and promises to change which is also strange behaviour). She posts photos of me on her social and talks about me to friends/coworkers etc... So there is a level of interest for sure

...But maybe she just doesn't know what a healthy relationship looks like. She came from a family of cheaters, grew up lying to her parents, and had cheated on her last relationship in a big way as well. These are all major red flags that I had ignored/let fly for various reasons, but now that I'm getting older and looking for 'the one' this behaviour wont fly.

This girl has lied to me in the past about some major things, one of those being about swiping through dating apps 3 months into our relationship (and getting caught). Theres other cases of lying as well, which I'm not going to get into here cause there'd just be too much to cover. About 6 months ago I gave her an ultimatum to go to therapy or break up and she's been seeing a therapist but that doesn't seem to be working. Theres still shady behaviour.

She seems to have deep rooted insecurity issues and possibly issues around needing male validation (even from outside the relationship). That are fueling her behaviour and lying. I don't see this resolving and am starting to believe she's going to be like this for the rest of her life.

As much as I'd love to bring up the stalking/monitoring issue to her, I just don't see what she could possibly say to solve the problem and move forward in this relationship. The worst case scenario is she'd just lie and make me look incredibly jealous and get better at hiding. The best case she'd come forward and change but I think theres just too much history here with lies and shady behaviour at this point. 

I think my next move is prepping to leave her (its going to be messy with shared apartment and family ties) and planning out what I'd like to say to her when I finally break it off (if anything)

[shadow1254]

I don't know about what the contact has been with this guy.

I think there is a good chance she had met this dude in person before me and her had an 'official exclusivity' talk. That could be why she is so obsessed with him...it could be "the one who got away" sort of thing. But she denies meeting him. The odds of her straight up cheating right now are pretty low, she works full-time and were usually together on evenings

As far as if she's still talking to him or not...I don't know, and I don't think she'd ever give me a straight answer. This guy has ALL the social accounts and appears to still be single posting shirtless pics etc. The only way to know for sure would be to go through her phone (she is generally open with it and I have her password) but I do not want to stoop down to that level.

I want someone I can trust by default. Someone I can fall in love with

[Gaeta]

With the additionnal information you've shared, l don't think this is a person you can have a future with. You have stayed in this relationship way too long. You gave her an ultimatum, she did not change, and you've applied no consequences, meaning you stayed so she had no reason to discontinue the bad behavior. When we give an ultimatum we have to be ready to walk out the door. Sometimes that's what those people need.

Sure she doesn't want to end the relationship, you represent security whether it's emotional, social, financial etc. 

She can say she loves you from morning to night but who wants that type of love? Even if she does not communicate with this man, her obsession, her lies,  are unacceptable.

If l were you l would walk out.  She can huff & puff all she wants. She had a chance and blew it. If l were in her shoes and was given an ultimatum by my bf you bet l would have deleted all of my social media to show him how serious l was. 

You are young, you will fall in love again and you'll be equipped to pick a better partner. All these doubts and disrespects are not a good way to live. 

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, shadow1254 said:

I want someone I can trust by default.

And she isn't that person. 

You don't trust her, and it sounds like you have good reason not to (considering the past issues as well)  Perhaps it's time to finally do what you seem to know you should have done a while ago. 

 

[Georgia46]

I think it sounds more than she’s just copying what he’s doing on social media. 
 

are you sure she’s not actually in touch with this person? 

[shadow1254]

@Georgia46 I'm not sure and will likely never know.

It's funny one time she was driving and put on this particular song/genre that was super out of character ( I know this man likes this music because he shows it on his facebook ).
We were pulling up to an intersection to turn left and I asked her where she found this song and she replied "I have my sources..." in a devious tone. I then looked at her strange and she stopped paying attention to the road, we ended up in the middle of the intersection on a red light with cars honking. She almost got his hit — too busy fantasizing about this guy I guess

I just don't understand how someone can be like this to another human being.
I could never hide all this stuff and lie straight to my partners face.

[shadow1254]

Theres also this thing she does where if I'm near her, she'll be like swiping through her phone screen and about to click on an app but doesn't.
I remember he behaviour when we first started dating, she'd always hover her thumb over top of the snapchat logo but then not click it and do something else instead.
Never thought much of it but makes sense now

[Georgia46]

It sounds like they are having an affair.  
 

she panicked when you said that to her in the car hence the near accident. 

[ExpatInItaly]

None of this is what a healthy relationship looks like. 

Do you really want to spend your life with her, closely watching all her movements and constantly checking out some other guy's social media? This all sounds tedious and miserable, honestly. 

19 minutes ago, shadow1254 said:

I just don't understand how someone can be like this to another human being.
I could never hide all this stuff and lie straight to my partners face.

Well, this is the same woman who was swiping away on dating apps earlier in your relationship, right? It shouldn't come as too much of a shock, though I get why you're hurt. It sounds like you've been wanting to overlook some serious red flags for a long time. 

3 hours ago, shadow1254 said:

About 6 months ago I gave her an ultimatum to go to therapy or break up

What brought you to this ulimatum? What was going on there? 

[shadow1254]

@Georgia46 At this point, nothing would surprise me.

But why would she be seeing a therapist and begging to stay in this relationship if that were the case?
Its not like I'm the provider type

[Miss Chrysalis]

I'm fascinated by the behavior of this woman. It's like you guys have a third person in your relationship, but nobody talks about it and thinks nobody else sees him.  Like an imaginary friend.

Does she behave this way in other relationships - with you, girlfriends, siblings, coworkers, etc.? Is she impressionable and prone to mirroring/mimicking others?

[shadow1254]

@Miss Chrysalis It is quite fascinating indeed.

I think she is generally honest outside of this relationship (no more dishonest then your avg person given a particular situation).

Yes, she is incredibly impressionable (i've started to notice this over the years). She copies so much about me as well and sometimes proudly vocally expresses it "we're the same" or "we're matching" ...such things include my purchases and personal style. Mostly aesthetic stuff.

Another thing she quickly copies is other peoples jobs or careers. Very quickly she can be swayed to study or look into a different career just because one person she likes around her does it and speaks positively about it. She doesn't seem to really look into these things in-depth (only looks at positive sides). One time she had a client who was a 'web designer', she then came back from work and said "I want to be a designer!"..."I'm going to become a designer because of X and X and X reason, it sounds so good." I thought this was very interesting as I'm a 'web designer' myself, yet my girlfriend hasn't every really cared/been interested in my profession or the work I'm doing.

Maybe this whole thing is a big symptom of something larger like lack of identity. Very interesting 

[Miss Chrysalis]

6 minutes ago, shadow1254 said:

Maybe this whole thing is a big symptom of something larger like lack of identity. Very interesting 

 

Yes, could be! Is she on the autism spectrum?

[shadow1254]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What brought you to this ulimatum? What was going on there? 

6 Months ago I had wanted to go to a particular beach that we always used to go to.

She started acting weird about going, asking me "why I wanted to go there" etc...
So I had looked at this guys account and the other day he had posted of photo of himself at this beach.
Then I made that connection, and it seemed that guy was frequenting the beach over that time period.

I had asked her why she is being so shady about going out to the beach, asked her what she is hiding.
She said she wasn't hiding anything and I told her "so you're telling me that I'm going crazy and just paranoid then? if I'm this crazy then I don't trust myself in this relationship and we need to end"
This conversation basically ended with her not admitting to anything but taking my forced ultimatium of going to therapy.

It took along time for us to be able to go back to that beach.
We eventually made it back there though together and her body language was extremely closed off, she seemed to not want to hold hands.
She was also scanning the beach oddly

-

It could be that this guy was pursuing her years ago and he just doesn't want him to approach her while I'm with her or it could be that shes actually having an affair/contact

@ExpatInItaly

Edited January 6 by shadow1254

[shadow1254]

7 minutes ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

 

Yes, could be! Is she on the autism spectrum?

@Miss Chrysalis I do not believe so. There is nothing abnormal about the way she looks, talks, interacts, studies, works (other then the lying and mirroring were talking about here).

She did grow up in a very strict household under a Single Mother then under her Older Sister.
I believe they made a lot of decisions for her during her up bringing — it seems like she hasn't had a chance to develop strong decision making skills or personality.
Also due to the strict household, she felt she needed to consistently lie to avoid strong punishments (this is where she attributes her lying problem from)