How do I (31M) deal with my girlfriend's (26F) consistent online obsession with another guy

[Miss Chrysalis]

I wonder what would happen if you mimicked something from this guy's social media.

 

 

[shadow1254]

3 minutes ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

I wonder what would happen if you mimicked something from this guy's social media.

That'd be the ultimate troll haha. Especially if I copied something from his post before she got a chance to see/copy it.
Wonder how she'd react

I did start to relay this behaviour onto her though to see how she'd respond...
I told her I thought she'd look really good in red hair and she replied "why are you saying that", "do you know someone with red hair", "if I go to your salon will there be a girl with red hair there?" (getting suspicious/jeleous)

I also relayed the app hovering and using phone turned away from her behaviour to see how she'd respond...
She called me out immediately, saying that I was acting shady.

-

It seems she knows that these behaviours are shady and suspicious when I do them...but she continues to do them herself

[ExpatInItaly]

I can't quite wrap my mind around why you have stuck around so long, OP. 

It seems that this relationship is exhausting and more closely resembles a cat-and-mouse game of "gotcha!" rather than a loving partnership. What are you getting out of this by staying? 

[shadow1254]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I can't quite wrap my mind around why you have stuck around so long, OP. 

It seems that this relationship is exhausting and more closely resembles a cat-and-mouse game of "gotcha!" rather than a loving partnership. What are you getting out of this by staying? 

My family is starting to wonder the same thing...although they don't know the details here.

It's hard to leave when everything else is smooth and going right, you travel together, live together and share chores/responsibilities.
It's hard to leave when you are consistently promised change, if I brought this up to her she'd probably promise to change — she might even agree to delete all her social media.
If I broke up then she'd figure out a way to contact me or show up at my door begging

I never really focused too much on relationships, my life has been quite crazy stressful the last decade — so I haven’t put too much consideration into who I’m dating, their values and what matters most to me. I think it’s also been difficult for me to pay attention/care about certain red flags when I'm wayyy overworked and my life is a bit chaotic.

But yeah, my life is getting more stable now and since I'm now looking for a relationship that can go the distance, this individual clearly needs to go.

Edited January 6 by shadow1254

[Miss Chrysalis]

35 minutes ago, shadow1254 said:

My family is starting to wonder the same thing...although they don't know the details here.

It's hard to leave when everything else is smooth and going right, you travel together, live together and share chores/responsibilities.
It's hard to leave when you are consistently promised change, if I brought this up to her she'd probably promise to change — she might even agree to delete all her social media.
If I broke up then she'd figure out a way to contact me or show up at my door begging

I never really focused too much on relationships, my life has been quite crazy stressful the last decade — so I haven’t put too much consideration into who I’m dating, their values and what matters most to me. I think it’s also been difficult for me to pay attention/care about certain red flags when I'm wayyy overworked and my life is a bit chaotic.

But yeah, my life is getting more stable now and since I'm now looking for a relationship that can go the distance, this individual clearly needs to go.

 

This makes perfect sense.

[Georgia46]

I feel like maybe you’ll need to have this out with her and then depending on the outcome you can decide what you want to do next. 
 

At least then you’ll know for sure you won’t be speculating. 
 

life’s too short to waste. 
 

good luck 

[shadow1254]

Thank you all for the thoughts / feedback, this is all very helpful

[Miss Chrysalis]

1 hour ago, shadow1254 said:

Thank you all for the thoughts / feedback, this is all very helpful

I'm invested now!

[shadow1254]

@Miss Chrysalis I haven't done anything yet, quite nervous about this actually. It's just such an awkward thing to talk about since it's been going on for so long...working my way into it.

Whenever it does happen — I'll definitely post a detailed update here for anyone thats following.

[Miss Chrysalis]

12 hours ago, shadow1254 said:

@Miss Chrysalis I haven't done anything yet, quite nervous about this actually. It's just such an awkward thing to talk about since it's been going on for so long...working my way into it.

Whenever it does happen — I'll definitely post a detailed update here for anyone thats following.

Oh yeah, I get that.  Very awkward! You can do it! 

[shadow1254]

So...here's the update.

I told her that I know that she's stalking this guy online and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
She said she hasn't once looked at his profile (she has him blocked), she just kept to that lie.

Which is fine, now we know she can't be trusted.

I walked out and told her I'd pick up my stuff the next day.

Edited January 8 by shadow1254

[shadow1254]

This relationship is done, I can't sleep with one eye open. Theres no here intimacy

[Miss Chrysalis]

1 minute ago, shadow1254 said:

So...here's the update.

I told her that I know that she's stalking this guy online and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
She said she hasn't once looked at his profile (she has him blocked), she just kept to that lie.

Which is fine, now we know she can't be trusted.

I walked out and told her I'd pick up my stuff the next day.

 

She probably has a second Facebook.

True story: I know someone who had an affair, got found because of a physical altercation that resulted in the woman (AP) getting a restraining order. He knew she wasn't allowed to contact him and she'd blocked him.  That didn't stop him from using his Facebook to try to still communicate his regret over the incident, his love for her, etc. He just made his posts public and hoped she had created a second account to be able to see his profile. I know all this because he told me.  This was several years ago...I have no idea if she ever saw his public posts "for her." 

 

[Gaeta]

Oh! So sorry!

It is for the best.

When you find yourself in a relationship based on trust and dedication to each other, you will be so glad you let this one go.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this break.-up is really for the best. 

This was clearly not the only issue that significantly eroded trust, and it wasn't healthy for you to be there anymore. You will feel better once your past the inevitable emotional upheaval. 

And you will probably enjoy a much more peaceful relationship with someone else in the future. 

[shadow1254]

Not expecting anyone to read through all this, but this is the message I sent and her reply.
I feel like I'm being gaslit here

This is the message I sent her Today:

I’ve discovered a pattern over the years of when you doing something out of character, so I started cross referencing this guys socials and noticed your mirroring all this stuff almost immediately after he makes a post/story. I got others to watch over this pattern as well to make sure I wasn’t just being paranoid, irrational etc…(and if I’m making the right decision to call this out here). I’ve done my DD.

Whenever you’ve shared with me that you adamantly want to make a purchase (which seemed out of character) and i’ve asked you about it and you couldn’t tell me why you were so stuck on making this very specific purchase. Everytime I’ve gone immediately to this guys profile to see he has just posted a picture of himself with that product. Some recent examples: Truck, iPhone w 3 lens, NorthFace Jacket, Rayban Glasses - Clubmaster, Nike Pandas, Doc Martens 8053s. There’s also been cases of mimicking this guys poses, places of travel, music.

This behaviour seems very odd to me, unhealthy and makes me uncomfortable that the person I’m supposably in a exclusive relationship with is very closely monitoring another mans social media, mimicking their purchases and keeping track of their where about’s for such a long period of time (years), all while doing it secretly and denying it. At first I didn’t look too deeply into this and kind of just let it go thinking it was going to pass but this has been going on for years now and its not seeming to go away.

It’s not like this is just a celebrity in a different country, this is a person that lives nearby and who you’ve previously matched with on Tinder while we were dating. Whenever this happens, it is a sad reminder to me how you were using Tinder several months into our dating and intimacy (and lied about it). This behaviour alone (along with our other challenges) have made it very difficult for me to feel close and safe with you during the course of our relationship. To love or fully respect you and to give you my true self, something you’ll never seen.

I enjoyed our time together and it’s really upsetting this didn’t work out. I’m super disappointed that after all these years together we are still dealing with the same issues… I feel like I’ve invested all this time and tooken a big health risk by being with you, yet you’ve consistently let me down. I thought giving you an ultimatum 6 months ago to go to counselling would help but that didn’t work. It doesn’t feel right to bring you into my family, have them treat you as one of their own all while you have been treating me like this.

I thought if I had asked you about this explicitly, and you’d be able to immediately be honest/come clean with me and seek some sort of help on this we could have moved forward.

This is behaviour seems very unhealthy to me and is even bordering an emotional affair. Since you can look me dead in the eyes and be dishonest to me about this, we can only assume the worst. This brings up whole lot of questions regarding what is really going on here. Then there’s the ultimate question of whether you’d ever be capable of having an honest relationship.


Her Reply Today:
I don’t understand how me wanting to make a purchase seems out of character, there are trends and things we all want. A lot of those things noted are popular items a lot of people want. I told you the iPhone 3 lens was because at the Jonas Brother’s concert the person in front of me could zoom in a lot compared to mind and I thought that camera was much better. The Nike shoes my coworker Dana has, and I saw her wear it and thought they were cute. I previously thought the Jeep/Benz was cute because I saw it in Richmond a lot because many asians have it. I can have many likes and wants over material things. I don’t question why you suddenly want me to dye my hair red or how you want to buy certain items.

I don’t know what else you want me to say, I have been honest and truthful, I haven’t been on his profile at all, I have it blocked. Why would I even waste my time trying to see what he is doing, I could care less. Why would I lie about it especially when you are threatening our relationship over it? I’m not going to just roll over and tell you what you want to hear, because THAT would be a lie.

I have been nothing but loyal, and whoever these “people” you have stalking and playing detective, maybe it’s your friends or maybe you are making it up. Which of your friends are in a healthy long term relationship? Hard to take advice from them.

I just can’t believe you are accusing me of such a bizarre thing. I don’t know what else I can say, because you are going to believe what you want to, and what makes you feel better and justifies your words and actions.

[Gaeta]

You both said what you had to say. It's time to block her otherwise this will go back and forth and accomplish nothing. Save yourself from reading 4-5 different version of this. You said she has a history of lying, just let it go. Don't waste your energy on this. 

Edited January 9 by Gaeta

[Miss Chrysalis]

@shadow1254 Last night this video popped up in my YouTube suggestions. The first few seconds of it reminded me of your situation. No clue if it would be helpful to you (or her), but here it is; 

Psychiatrist Explains BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) - Psychology 101

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TS4d-zqRFA

 

[shadow1254]

@Miss Chrysalis  Thanks for sharing!

I'm getting goosebumps from this video. Thats crazy! Everything explained here is spot on — absolutely everything.
Copying other behaviours to feel liked, no real direction in life (cameleon), strong response to negative emotion, upbringing, fear of abandonment, stressful relationship

I'm no psychologist but it definitely sounds like she has this — maybe she already knows? and is hiding the diagnosis.
If I brought this up to her, she would just be really offended so I probably wont mention it

BTW I haven't moved out of her place just yet, still here still talking etc...there are other complications here that make the breakup hard to do immediately.

[ExpatInItaly]

You both need to just let go of each other. 

You've both said your piece. I wouldn't continue to waste time swirling around the drain here. 

[Gaeta]

Let it go.

What ever her problem is you are not equipped to help her.  Do yourself a huge favor,  move out and move on.