How much information do you give kids?

[GuySimple]

I have 12 and 8 year old kids. Tonight I “returned them” to their mothers home (we are separated for a few months now). She was away on business so I had agreed to put them to bed and do the typical bedtime routine which use to seem so normal but for some reason tonight it was very tough.

 

Both kids wanted me to stay the night and were really adamant about it. Being respectful of my ex I told them that I didn’t think I could. She made me promises to thing about it.

 

So my wife came home we talked a bit and I told her what the kids said. She shrugged not knowing what to say and then I left feeling like I had let them down big time.

 

So my question is how much information is appropriate to give kids. What I wanted to say was “hey, I would love to stay but that is up to your mother and I don’t thing she wants me to stay”. Part of me, actually a lot of me, wants them to know that it is her that is really initiating this whole thing in their world. I realize that would not be right though.

[Outcast]

Part of me, actually a lot of me, wants them to know that it is her that is really initiating this whole thing in their world.

 

Of course you do. That's called 'anger' and 'desire for revenge'.

 

I realize that would not be right though

 

Right. So bite your tongue. Don't screw up your kids by trying to pit them against their mom. You won't succeed in making yourself look good by trying to make her look bad and making them unhappy. Make up other reasons - say you would love to but you have to work hard tonight on something for work. Blame something external so that you can still say you would love to but that it's out of your hands.

[Mz. Pixie]

Gosh, that's hard.

 

I agree with Outcast. While telling them may make you look better in their eyes for a bit, the long term damage would be terrible.

 

My exhusband has told me more than once that he will tell the kids when they are older that it was me who had a fling and who left.

 

The other day my son said, "Mom, I know why you and dad got a divorce?" So I said, "Why?" He said, "Because he's mean and he yells all the time"

So, I had to sit down and say that that was not the reason, that mommy and daddy both made mistakes and that one day when he was older and having adult relationships that he would see how hard it was to maintain those relationships.

 

I had the opportunity to make him think it was his dad's fault but I didn't take it. Where my kids are concerned, I have to put aside the fact that he would shaft me if given the opportunity and do the right thing.

[littlekitty]

Gosh, that's hard.

 

I agree with Outcast. While telling them may make you look better in their eyes for a bit, the long term damage would be terrible.

 

My exhusband has told me more than once that he will tell the kids when they are older that it was me who had a fling and who left.

 

The other day my son said, "Mom, I know why you and dad got a divorce?" So I said, "Why?" He said, "Because he's mean and he yells all the time"

So, I had to sit down and say that that was not the reason, that mommy and daddy both made mistakes and that one day when he was older and having adult relationships that he would see how hard it was to maintain those relationships.

 

I had the opportunity to make him think it was his dad's fault but I didn't take it. Where my kids are concerned, I have to put aside the fact that he would shaft me if given the opportunity and do the right thing.

 

A true parent and case of putting the CHILDREN's better interests first.

[GuySimple]

I agree with each of you. It is very tough though because kids (and most adults) assume that because I moved out I must be the one who couldn't make it work.

 

It really p's me off sometimes. I'm the guy who threw up his hands and called time out, that whatever our beefs are with each other we need to work through them, not run away. I'm the guy who made the appointments with councilors to try and salvage our marriage. But I'm the person that family and friends look at and ask why couldn't I make it work? Did I have to move out? Don't I know what it is doing to the kids?

 

All this from people who are caught up in their own little dysfunctional world where it is better to suck it up and not saying anything, just hate their spouse for the rest of their life and put on this wonderful "happily married" act.

 

Here ends my rant...it did feel good.

 

Can anyone tell that more people are finding out about my martial situation? Some people are genuinely concerned about me and us while others just seem to pry. Most have an opinion of some sort. So when my kids seem to be judging me the other night it was especially frustrating.

[Mz. Pixie]

Judging you?? I think you're reaching- perhaps you felt they were, but I doubt they were.

 

Kids are pretty innocent still at that age. My son is nine, and even though I've already had to have the talk with him (about sex because of kids at school) I've never felt one minute of judgement from him. Confusion perhaps, but not judgement.

 

You know, I think it's okay for you to tell friends and family that while you wished you could have worked it out that she felt differently and that you decided to move and let her have the home with the kids so they wouldn't feel uprooted as well. There is nothing wrong with that. Don't bash her to them, just be matter of fact and then you could add, "We're both doing the best we can for the kids and we're trying to keep all of our personal issues from them, so I would appreciate your support in that"

 

You have to really not care what everyone thinks. You can eat yourself up with that kind of stuff. For me, knowing that many people know all the little sordid details, it makes it hard for me to go back to the town where I was living when I was married before, and feeling that judgement. People who are judging you have never been through what you've been through. Most people who have had issues are much more likely to know that no one knows exactly what goes on in a marriage so who are they to judge when it doesn't work out??

 

Chalk it up to ignorance and that kind of thing. Even when it's hard for me, that is what I try.

[lilmoma1973]

A true parent and case of putting the CHILDREN's better interests first.

 

Well said Little ..couldn't agree more!!!