Missing the affair, should I be grateful he wants to remain friends?

[Lostgirl101]

We had a very romantic affair, it was never about the sex but that became part of it. Over the years I tried to end it but I would always return months later, on the final time I left and tried to return he said he didn’t want me back, that he chooses his family, that they will always be priority and they will always come first, that he enjoyed what we had but he no longer wants to take the risk, and he can’t have sex with me anymore, that he will always be my friend; but he doesn’t love me but will always care. 
 

this hurt but deep down I always knew it would have to be him and go had to end it as I wasn’t strong enough to stay away. It hurt, but I also felt a sense of relief that it was finally over. I cried a lot, I hurt deep inside like I had never felt and at the time I never thought I would see it through the pain, but despite how I was feeling I never contacted him not even once. We went completely no contact for the longest period of time (nearly a year) and it was the hardest thing I have ever physically done. Then 6 months ago, he started reaching out, it was little messages here and there, I replied in a civil manner but kept it brief, and didn’t invite conversation. 
 

New Year’s Eve, as a big deal. He was on my mind all day (previous years we had always spent it together) so I wondered if he would reach out, I wanted him too but I knew I wouldn’t. I got what I wanted and he messaged me, I ignored, and he messaged again and so forth. He says he misses me and misses the friendship, he invites me out (we share the same group of friends) but I’ve always declined. Part of me thinks we are toxic for each other, we bring out the worst in each other, and no good ever comes from us together and it’s a mystery how we haven’t completely ruined our lives already. Then the other part thinks it’s cute, that even after everything, he still wants me in his life in some way, I’ll add I do not believe he wants to rekindle, I do not believe he wants to have sex with me, the situations he’s trying to create are not us alone. I see here a lot that when the man ends the affair he ghosts and disappears and leaves the woman feeling worthless, but he’s never made me feel that way. He always been contactable and would always reply should I have wanted to reach out, and even now when I’m blunt and hurt he continues to make effort to stay relevant in some way. 
 

the affair was sadly some of the best happiest years of my life, and I would never regret it, I would also never let it happen again. Do you think it’s possible to go back to being platonic friends (we was for years before anything happened) or if eventually old habits will begin and I will be dragged back into a whirlwind like addiction to something I will never fully have. 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Lostgirl101 said:

Do you think it’s possible to go back to being platonic friends

No. You have demonstrated that you are not able to respect or maintain a healthy or appropriate relationship boundary… you can not be platonic friends with your former affair partner. It’s naive and wildly inappropriate to imagine that you can and frankly, disrespectful to his wife if you do stay in contact. 
 

1 hour ago, Lostgirl101 said:

Part of me thinks we are toxic for each other

Extramarital affairs are toxic relationships. What you describe - this push-pull, on again-off again, extramarital relationship - sounds spectacularly unhealthy. 
 

1 hour ago, Lostgirl101 said:

Part of me thinks it’s cute, that even after everything, he still wants me in his life in some way. He always been contactable and would always reply should I have wanted to reach out, and even now when I’m blunt and hurt he continues to make effort to stay relevant in some way. 

It’s not “cute,” it’s unhealthy. It keeps you stuck in an unhealthy relationship with a man who has chosen another woman. 

That’s not “cute” to me - it’s disrespectful and hurtful. 

Edited January 6 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

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2 hours ago, Lostgirl101 said:

Do you think it’s possible to go back to being platonic friends (we was for years before anything happened) or if eventually old habits will begin and I will be dragged back into a whirlwind like addiction to something I will never fully have. 

No, it's not possible for you even though I believe it would be possible for him because he's over you and that's why he's offering friendship.  Being around him again will make you try to drag you both back into an affair which will be rejected by him putting you back to square one and ripping your heart out.  Why does he still have a way to contact you?  He needs to be blocked and deleted on everything so you can finally find a man who truly loves you and proves it.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Lostgirl101 said:

Do you think it’s possible to go back to being platonic friends

Absolutely not. 

The goalposts have changed and can't be shifted back. It's not fair to his wife, and it's not fair to yourself, either.  You will hold yourself back by keeping this man in your life in any way. 

3 hours ago, Lostgirl101 said:

Then the other part thinks it’s cute

You badly need to revise your definition of "cute." 

You need to move on from this guy and cut all ties. You won't find true happiness with anyone else until you do that. 

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's not fair to his wife, and it's not fair to yourself, either.  You will hold yourself back by keeping this man in your life in any way. 

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