asking a woman to go to the gym with me so I can become more attracted to her. is this wrong?

January 7

I obviously don't want to tell someone they're fat but I tend to generally only attract overweight women that I would probably be more attracted to if they were more in shape. is it wrong to have them come to the gym with me for that reason? I'm a 33 year old guy btw. I of course don't want to imply that I'm not already attracted but at this rate I don't seem to have many options. I assume that since I'm slim and 5 foot 8 that I'm less desirable for that reason.

Edited January 7 by tazz4

January 7

One of the most basic rules of dating is that you don't ever date someone with the hopes of changing them. If you aren't satisfied with the way they are, completely, then you shouldn't date them. You can't change another person.

January 7

You're setting yourself up for failure here.

Why? You shouldn't date someone if you aren't attracted to them as they are. That doesn't mean there isn't room to improve one's physical health but you have no idea what would happen later down the line if this person stopped going to the gym for whatever reason.

Not a good plan.

January 7

Let’s just say, she’s going to see right through your motives…

Going to the gym together because you are both committed to health and fitness - fantastic!

Asking her to change who she is to be more attractive to you - she will see this for what it is and it will not be appreciated.

Edited January 7 by BaileyB

January 7

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're setting yourself up for failure here.

Why? You shouldn't date someone if you aren't attracted to them as they are. That doesn't mean there isn't room to improve one's physical health but you have no idea what would happen later down the line if this person stopped going to the gym for whatever reason.

Not a good plan.

overweight women seem to be my only option at this rate. I'll look at their photos from two years ago and they'll be in shape. I don't know why they can't be into me then. I assume they're lowering their standards for me since their options decrease.

January 7

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Let’s just say, she’s going to see right through your motives…

Going to the gym together because you are both committed to health and fitness - fantastic!

Asking her to change who she is to be more attractive to you - she will see this for what it is and it will not be appreciated.

I wish they were interested in me while they were in shape. I'll see photos of them from two years ago where they look datable. but I guess less guys go after them when they put on weight.

January 7

57 minutes ago, tazz4 said:

I'll see photos of them from two years ago where they look datable.

Wow.

If this is your mindset, you can bet other guys out there are just as superificial as you come across with that comment.

January 7

You should never date someone you aren’t already attracted to. You can’t hope to change people according to your preferences. If you only like slim women, then your only viable option is to find slim women who are interested in you.

Though I must say that it is a very shallow criterium that is needlessly causing you to miss out potentially exciting experiences. Some of the most attractive women I’ve known are overweight. Unless you’re talking about morbid obesity, I don’t see why you should limit yourself like that.

January 7

2 hours ago, tazz4 said:

I'll see photos of them from two years ago where they look datable.

Do you seriously think that “datable” equals “slim”? That is a very superficial and utterly false evaluation. “Datability”, besides being a highly subjective value, goes way beyond body shapes.

January 7

Yes, this is wrong and dumb and ridiculous and insulting.

Taker her as she is or dump her. And you are flat-out wrong: losing weight does not guarantee that you will feel more attracted to this woman.

And dude, she will KNOW exactly what you're trying to do. That's only one reason this idea is so dumb.

January 7

this topic appears in various guises every so often,

obviously I understand where your coming from,

it tends to be a touchy subject for women which is understandable,

I guess it takes a bit of effort or a lot of effort for a woman to keep her body in prime shape particularly from the 30s on,

its a pity, in my view, that many put their careers and everything else first and allow themselves to get out of shape,

A friend of mine fell out with her life-long best friend recently because she had a go at her for putting on weight though her intentions were well placed,

Personally Im in your corner - how you broach the subject without appearing insensitive- you could casually mention she comes along with you to the gym for a look and who knows her interest might be spiked by some aerobic class or whatever, its probably better that she develops a liking for exercise and joins in some fitness groups separate from you.

ultimately your doing her a favour also long term for her own health even if thats not the way it comes across!

January 7

Your idea is doomed to fail. Even modern PTs advise that exercise keeps you fit and healthy, but it does little to help weight loss. It's all about reducing calories.

All in all, when dating, don't ever date with the goal of changing someone to better suit what you want. Not only is it doomed to failure, it's completely disrespectful.

January 8

On 1/7/2025 at 10:22 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Wow.

If this is your mindset, you can bet other guys out there are just as superificial as you come across with that comment.

I'm speaking on behalf on my own preferences. I'm not saying they can't be datable to anyone. I'm just saying that I myself am not attracted to it. I'm not saying they have to be "thin" I like a little extra in certain areas. but only to a point. I tried dating and sleeping with overweight women as they seemed to be the only ones into me, but the attraction didn't build like people claimed it would. sex was awkward and I couldn't perform. only one slim girl in my life wanted to but I saw a lot of sagging body parts in many areas and I just couldn't get it up. I apologize if I sound like an a**h***. I really do. I just can't help who I am and am not attracted to.

I do think there's a point however where the body positivity movement doesn't help women in the dating world who are on the cusp of obese. I figured the reason they approach first is because they often have to. I'm not saying they aren't deserving of love.

Edited January 8 by tazz4

January 8

22 hours ago, Foxhall said:

this topic appears in various guises every so often,

obviously I understand where your coming from,

it tends to be a touchy subject for women which is understandable,

I guess it takes a bit of effort or a lot of effort for a woman to keep her body in prime shape particularly from the 30s on,

its a pity, in my view, that many put their careers and everything else first and allow themselves to get out of shape,

A friend of mine fell out with her life-long best friend recently because she had a go at her for putting on weight though her intentions were well placed,

Personally Im in your corner - how you broach the subject without appearing insensitive- you could casually mention she comes along with you to the gym for a look and who knows her interest might be spiked by some aerobic class or whatever, its probably better that she develops a liking for exercise and joins in some fitness groups separate from you.

ultimately your doing her a favour also long term for her own health even if thats not the way it comes across!

I appreciate you understanding. I also realize it's harder for some people to lose weight due to medical reasons, life circumstances etc. it's not necessarily their fault.

January 8

On 1/7/2025 at 3:45 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes, this is wrong and dumb and ridiculous and insulting.

Taker her as she is or dump her. And you are flat-out wrong: losing weight does not guarantee that you will feel more attracted to this woman.

And dude, she will KNOW exactly what you're trying to do. That's only one reason this idea is so dumb.

it depends I guess. I did have one hookup with a woman who lost weight but there were a lot of sagging body parts when we slept together and I wasn't expecting it. it turned me off and I couldn't perform. it was very awkward. so yes, weight loss may not guarantee more attraction. but in most before and after pics women post they seem more attractive after, although that could be enhanced.

January 8

8 minutes ago, tazz4 said:

I'm speaking on behalf on my own preferences. I'm not saying they can't be datable to anyone. I'm just saying that I myself am not attracted to it.

I know. I understood that.

What I am saying is that your wording is very reflective of your mentality. You don't have to be attracted to overweight women. That is beside my point. My point is that deeming a person as "datable" (or not) says something about you, and it's not very flattering to you.

Anyway, since that's the wording you're going with and you're not attracting women you find attractive, I would wager you've got something about you that renders you not very "datable" as well. Ask a close female friend to help you identify what that is. Once you figure out what is unattractive about you and take steps to fix that, you might have more luck attracting women you like.

That will help you more than trying to change someone else. Work on your own flaws and then see where it takes you.

January 8

On 1/7/2025 at 6:21 AM, tazz4 said:

overweight women seem to be my only option at this rate. I'll look at their photos from two years ago and they'll be in shape. I don't know why they can't be into me then. I assume they're lowering their standards for me since their options decrease.

Did you even know them two years ago?

January 8

Are you attracted to all women who are average or skinny? Or do you have other criteria? Is "FAT" the only dealbreaker?

January 8

31 minutes ago, tazz4 said:

I do think there's a point however where the body positivity movement doesn't help women in the dating world who are on the cusp of obese.

I think you mean that the body positivity movement doesn't help you. The women know that there are men who will be attracted to them and not to worry about those who aren't.

January 8

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I know. I understood that.

What I am saying is that your wording is very reflective of your mentality. You don't have to be attracted to overweight women. That is beside my point. My point is that deeming a person as "datable" (or not) says something about you, and it's not very flattering to you.

Anyway, since that's the wording you're going with and you're not attracting women you find attractive, I would wager you've got something about you that renders you not very "datable" as well. Ask a close female friend to help you identify what that is. Once you figure out what is unattractive about you and take steps to fix that, you might have more luck attracting women you like.

That will help you more than trying to change someone else. Work on your own flaws and then see where it takes you.

I assume it's because I'm 5 foot 8 and "petite" as some people have called me(I absolutely hate that word and get triggered by it) or my confidence, or both. I see the kinds of guys that women(who I find attractive) are with. They usually have a gym body with a full hairline. or are taller than me.

Anyway, my therapist says more muscles won't make me more confident with women due to my ocd. So I feel screwed. It's not like I haven't tried.

What other wording should I use? Should I have just said "women I'm not willing to date?" Maybe "datable" sounds too objective and derogatory? not sure

January 8

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I think you mean that the body positivity movement doesn't help you. The women know that there are men who will be attracted to them and not to worry about those who aren't.

It doesn't help me either. But if borderline obese women had as many options as fit women, why are they the only ones that message me 93% of the time? They wouldn't have to make the first move as often if they had 100s of guys pursuing them like the more conventionally attractive women do.not saying they have NO options. There ARE men out there who are into that and that's totally fine.

There HAVE been rare occasions where I've been attracted to the bigger women but it's usually because I really like their face and/or their personality. Or maybe my libido is part of the issue due to my meds. If someone can "get me up" then I assume I at least have some physical attraction to them. idk it's very confusing sometimes (I apologize if my slang is inappropriate).

Edited January 8 by tazz4

January 8

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Are you attracted to all women who are average or skinny? Or do you have other criteria? Is "FAT" the only dealbreaker?

"skinny" isn't what I mean. I'm not looking for like...stick thin. on rare occasions I have been attracted to the "bigger" women if I like their face and personality as I've said in another reply just now. a woman who is in good shape is obviously not the only criteria that makes her (I know some people hate this phrase) "datable"(to me). But physical appearance is naturally always the first thing I noticed. If I don't find them physically attractive then personality won't do much for me. I wouldn't even say I'm particularly looking for thin either. just (somewhat slim) in certain areas.

There's of course other criteria, similar interests, someone who isn't racist or bigoted, etc.

Edited January 8 by tazz4

January 8

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Did you even know them two years ago?

no. I'm just speaking on photos. why do you ask?

January 8

35 minutes ago, tazz4 said:

It doesn't help me either. But if borderline obese women had as many options as fit women, why are they the only ones that message me 93% of the time? They wouldn't have to make the first move as often if they had 100s of guys pursuing them like the more conventionally attractive women do.not saying they have NO options. There ARE men out there who are into that and that's totally fine.

Leagues.

The bigger women message you because they see you as being within their league. And the attractive women don't message you because they think they can do better. You're not the only one doing filtering

January 8

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Leagues.

The bigger women message you because they see you as being within their league. And the attractive women don't message you because they think they can do better. You're not the only one doing filtering

So that means every woman I'm into is honestly out of my league?

Sign In

asking a woman to go to the gym with me so I can become more attracted to her. is this wrong?

Recommended Posts

tazz4

ShyViolet

ExpatInItaly

BaileyB

tazz4

tazz4

ExpatInItaly

Gebidozo

Gebidozo

Lotsgoingon

Foxhall

basil67

tazz4

tazz4

tazz4

ExpatInItaly

NuevoYorko

NuevoYorko

basil67

tazz4

tazz4

tazz4

tazz4

basil67

tazz4

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...