asking a woman to go to the gym with me so I can become more attracted to her. is this wrong?

[NuevoYorko]

6 minutes ago, tazz4 said:

So that means every woman I'm into is honestly out of my league?

Oh, come on.   

I remember you from your dozens of identical threads under assorted usernames.  You have not met "every woman" you might potentially be into.  You know this, so stop being silly.   

If you're interested in dating women who look like goddesses, you will probably be disappointed since they can go out with men who look like gods,  and why not.  "Leagues" means people that are similar in their attractiveness.  

Of course you know this as well.

[tazz4]

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Oh, come on.   

I remember you from your dozens of identical threads under assorted usernames.  You have not met "every woman" you might potentially be into.  You know this, so stop being silly.   

If you're interested in dating women who look like goddesses, you will probably be disappointed since they can go out with men who look like gods,  and why not.  "Leagues" means people that are similar in their attractiveness.  

Of course you know this as well.

I guess some look like goddesses and some are "just cute" idk I hate having to figure out who is and who isn't in my league. I feel like I can tell by what someone looks like how much of a chance I have with them.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, tazz4 said:

only one slim girl in my life wanted to but I saw a lot of sagging body parts in many areas and I just couldn't get it up. I apologize if I sound like an a**h***. I really do. I just can't help who I am and am not attracted to.

You don’t sound like an a**h***, you sound like someone who might need a sexologist’s help. It’s not normal that a physically healthy 33 year old man can’t get it up because the woman has sagging parts. It’s not about preferences anymore, it sounds like some sort of a phobia.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, tazz4 said:

I see the kinds of guys that women(who I find attractive) are with. They usually have a gym body with a full hairline. or are taller than me.  

Then why are you even attracted to those women? You aren’t their type. They shouldn’t be yours. How does attraction even happen on your side in the first place? I’ve always been very puzzled by this phenomenon.

I find it inexplicable that some guys can be attracted to women whose preference in men are so different. Yes, I know that some younger women choose their partners based on shallow criteria such as a “gym body”. Why on Earth would I find those women attractive? Even if I did have a “gym body”, I’d be wary of women who choose me based on that one superficial trait.

[tazz4]

13 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You don’t sound like an a**h***, you sound like someone who might need a sexologist’s help. It’s not normal that a physically healthy 33 year old man can’t get it up because the woman has sagging parts. It’s not about preferences anymore, it sounds like some sort of a phobia.

I was also on ssri antidepressants during those hookups too. that might also be it. there's a chance that even with a physically attractive woman that it wouldn't work. I could get myself off to porn but it took longer to get there.

[tazz4]

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Then why are you even attracted to those women? You aren’t their type. They shouldn’t be yours. How does attraction even happen on your side in the first place? I’ve always been very puzzled by this phenomenon.

I find it inexplicable that some guys can be attracted to women whose preference in men are so different. Yes, I know that some younger women choose their partners based on shallow criteria such as a “gym body”. Why on Earth would I find those women attractive? Even if I did have a “gym body”, I’d be wary of women who choose me based on that one superficial trait.

I don't think there's anything to be puzzled by. Why would someone not be physically attractive to someone just because they're out of their league? I don't expect my girlfriend to have a body of a pornstar but that's still going to turn a lot of guys on regardless of what "league" they're physically/theoretically in.  although you could also be turned off by a bad personality.

A woman who's hot but is a (maybe not the best term) a b**** will naturally make her less appealing of course.

Who those women like doesn't change what they look like. But I apologize if I misunderstood your perspective. Not trying to get defensive just trying to understand. A lot of guys regardless of what they look like are gonna like women who are more "conventionally" attractive. Unless you want to go by the "matching" hypotheses like I try to do. I look for someone who I might find "cute enough." I can't use number ratings anymore since people hate it.

Edited January 9 by tazz4

[tazz4]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Then why are you even attracted to those women? You aren’t their type. They shouldn’t be yours. How does attraction even happen on your side in the first place? I’ve always been very puzzled by this phenomenon.

I find it inexplicable that some guys can be attracted to women whose preference in men are so different. Yes, I know that some younger women choose their partners based on shallow criteria such as a “gym body”. Why on Earth would I find those women attractive? Even if I did have a “gym body”, I’d be wary of women who choose me based on that one superficial trait.

actually maybe I did understand you now that I read this again. I assume your point was that I should be turned off by a superficial personality

 is that all you meant?

[Gebidozo]

30 minutes ago, tazz4 said:

I guess some look like goddesses and some are "just cute" idk I hate having to figure out who is and who isn't in my league. I feel like I can tell by what someone looks like how much of a chance I have with them.

You don’t figure out who is in whose league. You meet a woman and then, if there is initial chemistry between you two, if some sort of a basic mutual attraction happens, you both try to develop it further.

You shouldn’t be dating anyone without mutual attraction. And that doesn’t happen because someone is just the right body shape or just the right size. There are myriads of personal preferences and criteria and still attraction may happen totally unexpectedly between two people. 

[NuevoYorko]

Do you notice when you're out and about that there are hundreds of people paired up happily where neither one of them look like a movie star or a person on Instagram with a load of filters on all their photos?  

Maybe even people you know or who are in your family.  Just normal looking people who happened to find each other attractive.   

Is that unacceptable for you?  Do you require women who look like they belong in a magazine?

[Gebidozo]

15 minutes ago, tazz4 said:

I was also on ssri antidepressants during those hookups too. that might also be it. there's a chance that even with a physically attractive woman that it wouldn't work. I could get myself off to porn but it took longer to get there.

Dude, you definitely need to deal with these issues first, before you begin to attempt to date women. You can’t expect some “goddess” to magically solve your problems.

I don’t quite understand why you’re even complaining about some corpulent ladies hitting on you if you’re having such troubles. 

 

[tazz4]

21 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You don’t figure out who is in whose league. You meet a woman and then, if there is initial chemistry between you two, if some sort of a basic mutual attraction happens, you both try to develop it further.

You shouldn’t be dating anyone without mutual attraction. And that doesn’t happen because someone is just the right body shape or just the right size. There are myriads of personal preferences and criteria and still attraction may happen totally unexpectedly between two people. 

I get you. I'm bad at approaching irl rejection never gets easier. I may have a date coming up now with someone who I think is cute who actually reached out to me first and I'm freaking out because I don't know if i have proper winter clothing in place

 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, tazz4 said:

Why would someone not be physically attractive to someone just because they're out of their league?

Why would they? How do you even begin to sense attraction for a woman whose type you are not? That never happened to me.

I can acknowledge the conventional attractiveness of a woman without being becoming personally attracted to her or wanting to date her.

 

1 hour ago, tazz4 said:

I don't expect my girlfriend to have a body of a pornstar but that's still going to turn a lot of guys on regardless of what "league" they're physically/theoretically in. 

Turn on in what sense? Sure, back in the days when I was young and occasionally single, I wouldn’t say “no” to a night with a girl who has the “body of a pornstar” (which, by the way, contains every type of body imaginable, including chubby). But even for casual sex, even for one night stands, body type means so little compared to personality.

I had several such encounters where I was totally turned off because of something the woman said, or the way she treated me. Definitely not due to any body shape issues. And we’re talking about dating, not about casual sex, so more reasons to elevate your criteria.

[tazz4]

5 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Why would they? How do you even begin to sense attraction for a woman whose type you are not? That never happened to me.

I can acknowledge the conventional attractiveness of a woman without being becoming personally attracted to her or wanting to date her.

 

Turn on in what sense? Sure, back in the days when I was young and occasionally single, I wouldn’t say “no” to a night with a girl who has the “body of a pornstar” (which, by the way, contains every type of body imaginable, including chubby). But even for casual sex, even for one night stands, body type means so little compared to personality.

I had several such encounters where I was totally turned off because of something the woman said, or the way she treated me. Definitely not due to any body shape issues. And we’re talking about dating, not about casual sex, so more reasons to elevate your criteria.

I'm not really looking for a one night stand. I fall in love with the first girl who kisses me or texts me so idk how well that would work out for me...

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, tazz4 said:

actually maybe I did understand you now that I read this again. I assume your point was that I should be turned off by a superficial personality

 is that all you meant?

Not just that. My point is that you should choose whom to date based on personal chemistry and mutual attraction, not on some pre-conceived notions about how your future girlfriend should look like.

Your descriptions of dating sound as though it were a purchase. Like you’d go to a car shop and see that you can’t afford a Ferrari and have to settle for a Volkswagen instead. Dating isn’t like that at all. It’s about getting to know each other, liking each other, fitting each other. It’s something done by two people at once.  

[Gebidozo]

 

10 minutes ago, tazz4 said:

I fall in love with the first girl who kisses me or texts me

That would be pretty creepy and even deranged if it were true.

I’m sure it’s all just in your head, though. You seem to use terms like “attraction” and even “love” in a strangely superficial and artificial way.

[tazz4]

2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

 

That would be pretty creepy and even deranged if it were true.

I’m sure it’s all just in your head, though. You seem to use terms like “attraction” and even “love” in a strangely superficial and artificial way.

why is it creepy? my therapist says "lust" is more appropriate. I'm half kidding about the texting thing but when a woman who I find attractive kisses me I feel some sort of way. why is that my fault?

[Gebidozo]

11 minutes ago, tazz4 said:

why is it creepy? my therapist says "lust" is more appropriate. I'm half kidding about the texting thing but when a woman who I find attractive kisses me I feel some sort of way. why is that my fault?

Then please warn us in advance when you’re “half kidding” and when you’re serious.

You wrote that you fall in love with the first girl who kisses or texts you. I reacted to what you wrote by saying that if that were true, that would be creepy.

Obviously, there is nothing creepy or unusual about feeling physical attraction.

[tazz4]

16 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Then please warn us in advance when you’re “half kidding” and when you’re serious.

You wrote that you fall in love with the first girl who kisses or texts you. I reacted to what you wrote by saying that if that were true, that would be creepy.

Obviously, there is nothing creepy or unusual about feeling physical attraction.

then why is it creepy if I feel emotional attraction from a kiss? maybe its just another ordinary day for guys who get it on the regular but for me it feels special. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think it's just being human. imo at least

[tazz4]

19 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Then please warn us in advance when you’re “half kidding” and when you’re serious.

You wrote that you fall in love with the first girl who kisses or texts you. I reacted to what you wrote by saying that if that were true, that would be creepy.

Obviously, there is nothing creepy or unusual about feeling physical attraction.

idk if "fall in love" is the right phrase. maybe its "fall in lust" like my therapist said. anyway I feel on top or the world with a s*** load of butterflies in my stomach. that's just natural though. I don't think it's wrong

[Gebidozo]

10 minutes ago, tazz4 said:

then why is it creepy if I feel emotional attraction from a kiss? maybe its just another ordinary day for guys who get it on the regular but for me it feels special. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think it's just being human. imo at least

It’s not creepy to feel emotional attraction from a kiss.

It’s slightly creepy that you get so defensive over this and generally have this fussy, hyper-worried attitude about these things.

You’re freaking out about what to wear, for example. Complaining about model-like women not liking you. Having trouble to perform due to some “sagging parts”. And so on. Normally, I’d just tell you to relax, to chill, but there might be deeper issues at work here. I think you should actively discuss this with your therapist and listen to their advice.

Edited January 9 by Gebidozo

[basil67]

3 hours ago, tazz4 said:

So that means every woman I'm into is honestly out of my league?

If no none of them is interested in you at face value, then yes, they are out of your league.    

Why don't you tell us more about yourself - we may be able to pick why you're not in their league.  Perhaps it's something you can fix.

How old are you?  What kind of job do you have?  What are your friends like? What do you enjoy doing socially?  What are your interests?  What's your living situation?  What do you look like?  Do you dress well? 

[tazz4]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If no none of them is interested in you at face value, then yes, they are out of your league.    

Why don't you tell us more about yourself - we may be able to pick why you're not in their league.  Perhaps it's something you can fix.

How old are you?  What kind of job do you have?  What are your friends like? What do you enjoy doing socially?  What are your interests?  What's your living situation?  What do you look like?  Do you dress well? 

I'm 33 and work in an animal research department making $23 an hour while living with my parents in nyc. i have a bachelor's degree but no work experience in anything that pays well. I like videogames, music, hiking and playing guitar.

 

I'm paying for grad school courses in public health in hopes it will get me a better job. I have maybe some interest in it? I don't really have much options at this rate. its not the most passionate path. but i cant gain experience since most jobs wont higher me to get that experience.my mental health disorders f***ed my life up and I'm now on better meds which are also killing my sex drive which may be why I feel like i need a model gf. I'm running out of time so I pulled the trigger and said f*** it. my therapist is in support of this and days I should trust the universe as i believe it's my higher power.

my living situation is my biggest insecurity. I feel like a f***ing loser and for many years I wanted to die tbh(not to mention antidepressant withdrawals) I have a pretty good social life despite all of this

 

I feel like my fashion improved as I get compliments. I'm 5 foot 8, bald with a beard and not a lot of muscle. but due to having ocd my therapist says more muscle won't improve my confidence with women due to having ocd. (I don't tell women I live with parents right away)

 

Edited January 9 by tazz4

[tazz4]

23 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

It’s not creepy to feel emotional attraction from a kiss.

It’s slightly creepy that you get so defensive over this and generally have this fussy, hyper-worried attitude about these things.

You’re freaking out about what to wear, for example. Complaining about model-like women not liking you. Having trouble to perform due to some “sagging parts”. And so on. Normally, I’d just tell you to relax, to chill, but there might be deeper issues at work here. I think you should actively discuss this with your therapist and listen to their advice.

fair 

[NuevoYorko]

Seriously you sound like an okay fellow.  Try to keep a sense of humor about your circumstances, cultivate your self awareness, be open to women who may be neuro-atypical themselves, or somewhat "different" in other ways.

Keep up the hiking and any other activities you have that get you involved socially with other people.    

STAY AWAY from any kind of "red pill" stuff and follow whatever your therapist is advising you on getting out of repetitive obsessive thoughts when you find yourself heading in that direction.  

Think about whether it's a possibility for you to move into a house with others or some other option.  Not to just jump into that, but explore what options you may have.  I know a young person who is quite disabled who is living for the most part independently.   You don't come off like that here, though I definitely don't know the breadth of your issues.

There will be women who will like you.   

[tazz4]

7 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Seriously you sound like an okay fellow.  Try to keep a sense of humor about your circumstances, cultivate your self awareness, be open to women who may be neuro-atypical themselves, or somewhat "different" in other ways.

Keep up the hiking and any other activities you have that get you involved socially with other people.    

STAY AWAY from any kind of "red pill" stuff and follow whatever your therapist is advising you on getting out of repetitive obsessive thoughts when you find yourself heading in that direction.  

Think about whether it's a possibility for you to move into a house with others or some other option.  Not to just jump into that, but explore what options you may have.  I know a young person who is quite disabled who is living for the most part independently.   You don't come off like that here, though I definitely don't know the breadth of your issues.

There will be women who will like you.   

I appreciate it. r** pill destroyed me. but I cant help to feel like some of it is real. I also have a MASSIVE issue with jealousy and envy.im part of a few dating fb pages. and here and there a guy who's like a 8+ out of 10 will pop up with a gorgeous face and stunning eyes. all he has to write is "hi I'm looking for a serious relationship" and he'll get 100s of likes. gorgeous women will appear in the comments who all want him. it just makes me feel like I have WAAAYY too much competition. I know how immature it is of me. I know I'm decent looking though.