Johnthejohn Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 (edited) I (25M) have recently entered a new relationship (25F). We have fantastic chemistry, love hanging out together and have super sex. However, she has said some questionable things to me that I sort of got uptight about, but this one was very peculiar to say to your new boyfriend whom you supposable love. Whether she meant it as a joke, I don't know. Either way, during sex of all places? About 2 or 3 hours before this we were having dinner with her friend. He's a male friend who's gay, and I really nice guy. They both often speak Italian to one another (I don't speak it), but they also speak English. Sometimes they say things in Italian and laugh and sort of give me a side-eye. On this occasion, she had just shown him something on her phone. They both laughed and looked at me. I asked what it was. The guy friend said "you have competition..", and my girl didn't say anything. I continued and asked what he meant. He said there's another guy messaging my new girlfriend who "looks like an actor"; a very successful British man apparently who wants to come to Italy to see my girlfriend. They know each other from the past. I just tried to stay cool and show that it wasn't bothering me. I left the table to take a call. When I got back, they were still speaking about it and she said "I'm rooting for you though" and then the friend said that he's just "rooting for the girl" (I supposed in reference to whatever decision she makes). I tried to stay cool, but I'd imagine it wasn't too hard to tell that I didn't like it. I wanted to keep my composure. We often joke sometimes like this, but this was a real, tangible person who had history with my girl. Her gay best friend was saying how "good looking" he was and how "amazing" he is, etc. Our jokes are so harmless compared to this, I think. When we got back to the hotel room, the two of us started to have sex. It was very intimate and sensual, but as I was on top of her, she whispered to me that she was "rooting for me", obviously in reference to the previous conversation. I paused and asked what she meant. And she casually said "oh with the other guy". I didn't like this, so I just kept asking questions and stopped having sex with her. She was casually saying how he wants to come see her, and take her out, etc. She said that she wants to see her if she didn't have a boyfriend. She never once mentioned any of the replies to him - just things he was saying apparently. I would have liked it if she told him firmly, I have a boyfriend now but thank you. She did not say this though. I think she wanted a rise out of me. She sometimes says things, and when I don't rise to it, she says things like "noooo, you're supposed to protest!". I just tried to remain calm, but my penis had gone completely flaccid at this point. I got off her and went to the toilet. I got back on the bed, and she knew she messed up saying something like that during such an intimate moment with her new boyfriend. Eventually we restarted sex, but it's something I've been thinking about. I mean, why would she say this to me? If the roles were reversed, I would just cut it right away and not feel the need to tease or hurt my new partner right at the beginning of a relationship with unnecessary crap? If fact, I wouldn't have even mentioned it! I would have just told the person interested that I'm off the market now. Am I being overly insecure here? I just know I wouldn't do that to her. I don't know if it's a good thing she said it or is it something that may inspire trust issues with me. A previous girlfriend cheated on me and I took it quite hard. I don't want to walk into the same situation again. TL;DR - girl friend is referencing and joking about another potential man at the beginning of a relationship and even mentioning it during sex. Edited January 7 by Johnthejohn Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Maldives Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 Not very cool dude. If it was me I'm not sure I'd continue to see her. She sounds like she is considering her options. I wouldn't wanna be someone's option. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnthejohn Posted January 7 Author Share Posted January 7 Just now, Maldives said: Not very cool dude. If it was me I'm not sure I'd continue to see her. She sounds like she is considering her options. I wouldn't wanna be someone's option. She was so quiet and didn't want to say much while her gay best was telling me about said "competition". All I wanted her to do was say "look, this guy messaged me but I told him very quickly that I'm taken so you have nothing to worry about". Instead, she said "I'm rooting for you though". WTF? They laugh and smirk among each other. Then when I leave the table to take a call, she texts me and says "you all good hubby?". It's been two days since this (and I did spend Sunday night with her) but it's plaguing my mind. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 It sounds like she's playing games with you and being disrespectful. If I were you I would tell her in a completely serious tone that you do not like that kind of joking and you don't want it to happen again. If she acts like that again, I'd rethink the relationship. I don't think you were overreacting. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnthejohn Posted January 7 Author Share Posted January 7 (edited) 7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: It sounds like she's playing games with you and being disrespectful. If I were you I would tell her in a completely serious tone that you do not like that kind of joking and you don't want it to happen again. If she acts like that again, I'd rethink the relationship. I don't think you were overreacting. Thanks for being so understanding. I mean, we pretty much went back to normal again after the sex, but this has really played on my mind. It's nice to hear that I'm not being too sensitive or insecure. I'm in work right now and finding it hard to concentrate. I'm thinking about picking my stuff up from her place later and telling her how I felt about it, maybe even telling her I need to reevaluate how I feel about this relationship. Edited January 7 by Johnthejohn 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 So she's italian? And you're not? Could this be some cultural differences? Humour is different from one culture to another. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnthejohn Posted January 7 Author Share Posted January 7 Just now, Gaeta said: So she's italian? And you're not? Could this be some cultural differences? Humour is different from one culture to another. Yeah, that could be the case. But I don't really know if it's humorous to be so overtly open about another man messaging her and having her friend refer to him as "competition" while she doesn't seem to phased by the comment. Then saying things like that during intimiate moments? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Johnthejohn said: Yeah, that could be the case. I live in Italy, and have for almost 12 years now. I have had relationships with Italian men, and my friends have dated Italian women. I assure you that this is not cultural, nor how they typically make jokes, She is being rude and disrespectful. I don't know too many Italian men who would find this funny, either. This is a problem with this specific person, and not a cultural quirk. Edited January 7 by ExpatInItaly Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnthejohn Posted January 7 Author Share Posted January 7 18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I live in Italy, and have for almost 12 years now. I have had relationships with Italian men, and my friends have dated Italian women. I assure you that this is not cultural, nor how they typically make jokes, She is being rude and disrespectful. I don't know too many Italian men who would find this funny, either. This is a problem with this specific person, and not a cultural quirk. I am honestly thinking about walking away. It feels so hard though. I'm really confused at the moment. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Valongpor Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 Def not overreacting. There is playfulness in trust, where jokes are shared together, and there's playfulness out of trust, where one person is playing with the other as a toy. This is just a new relationship. People are complex and their emotional roots run deep. You guys are also young. Your choice, but there's sure to be much more where this came from. If that's what you want, stick it out. If not, see if you can get a sincere sense that she CAN POSSIBLY be the kind of person you're looking to get more serious with. Good luck! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 Teasing and making jokes is fine, but in my opinion she went too far. The way she deliberately provokes you like this is tasteless if it’s a joke, and dangerously close to playing some sort of mind games and manipulating if it’s not. I don’t think that you’re overreacting. You should have a serious talk with her and ask her to stop this sort of behavior. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 10 hours ago, Johnthejohn said: I am honestly thinking about walking away. It feels so hard though. I'm really confused at the moment. About having a conversation with her? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 Definitely confront her first. You don't have to yell and scream, but do tell her that you found her play really insulting and lead you to distrust her. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
petee Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 Sadly you are on different wavelengths. She sounds immature, so there’s an incompatibility. have the chat to end it, or face the torture until you do summon that moral strength. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnthejohn Posted January 8 Author Share Posted January 8 13 hours ago, Gaeta said: About having a conversation with her? We spoke about it and completely saw my perspective. She said she misunderstood how that phrase during sex meant that at the time and thought it was a reassuring term to suggest that she completely backs me. She was quite upset that I spoke to my friends about this first, though. I obviously didn't say I posted the story on the internet. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 6 minutes ago, Johnthejohn said: She said she misunderstood how that phrase during sex meant that at the time and thought it was a reassuring term to suggest that she completely backs me. Wow! She completely missed the point here! It's supposed to be reassuring to mention another man during intimicy with you 😯 And please notice she goes straight to justifying her actions and is not concerned about your feelings, does not apoligize, does not reassure you it won't happen again. You sure you want to date someone like that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 1 hour ago, Johnthejohn said: We spoke about it and completely saw my perspective. She said she misunderstood how that phrase during sex meant that at the time and thought it was a reassuring term to suggest that she completely backs me. Wow, this is such a lie on her part...... she tried to claim that she just meant it as a reassuring term? No one says "I'm rooting for you" during sex. She's trying to play this off and pretend it didn't mean what it obviously meant. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnthejohn Posted January 8 Author Share Posted January 8 (edited) 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: Wow! She completely missed the point here! It's supposed to be reassuring to mention another man during intimicy with you 😯 And please notice she goes straight to justifying her actions and is not concerned about your feelings, does not apoligize, does not reassure you it won't happen again. You sure you want to date someone like that. To be fair to her, she did say she was sorry plenty of times and said she didn't want to invalidate my feelings. Having explained to her, she felt terrible about it. She is fluent English (lived in the US for ten years), but said this was something she thought would be reassuring. When I explained that it was taken very, very differently, she understood and was really quite sorry. She seemed very genuine. Edited January 8 by Johnthejohn Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johnthejohn Posted January 8 Author Share Posted January 8 1 hour ago, ShyViolet said: Wow, this is such a lie on her part...... she tried to claim that she just meant it as a reassuring term? No one says "I'm rooting for you" during sex. She's trying to play this off and pretend it didn't mean what it obviously meant. That's what I thought as well. She said the whole issue in the restaurant was that she got flustered and responded by laughing and joking, trying to make light on the situation. She said that "I'm rooting for you" was supposed to be taken as reassurance that you're the only one I want, not that there's any competition. Hard to know. She did seem quite genuine. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 7 hours ago, Johnthejohn said: She seemed very genuine Ok, did this conversation make you feel better about the whole thing? Does she have a bit of relationship experience? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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