samantha0704 Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 I’m (27F) currently close to a guy (30M) who I got to know from a church community. He’s a very friendly guy who has a lot of friends. I had a crush on him first and tried to initiate conversations via DMs several times with him, which he responded to very warmly. But at first he was very slow to respond. He often left me on delivered for 2-3 days. One time he didn’t reply to my dms for a week and I decided I should just stop trying. But then around a week later he came back around, even texting me first on whatsapp and we’ve been getting close since then. 2 weeks in I braved myself to initiate a dinner with him, which he agreed to. Since then we’ve been going out for weekday dinners once a week, with him initiating most of it (we’ve been close for almost 3 months and I’ve only initiated 3 times. He did the rest.) What bothers me is his texting style and frequency. I’m aware he’s not quite a texter from how he was very slow to respond to me in the beginning and he often leaves people on read or delivered, our mutual friends often fall victim to this. But early on after he reached out to me first, there was a period when he could keep up with texting with me daily - this lasted for around two weeks. From then, it’s started dwindling. He started skipping a day, two, three - until now it feels like he only texts me to make plans. But all the while, he’s still very consistent in asking me out for dinners, and is always very engaged, very attentive and very nice in-person. He’s also very engaged every time he does text me. I’m confused on whether he’s interested with me? Because this is the first time I encounter someone with this sort of communication style. Should I just trust the connection and let it flow, or should I be aware of something? What also confuses me is how he could keep up with texting daily at first for two weeks and start going downhill. Does it reflect his interest level? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 It is far more important that he makes plans to see you regularly and follows through than how often he texts you. I'm not a big texter either and often forget to even check my phone. If the issue is you want to hear from him more often just tell him that and see if he complies. He may be like me and feel there is no need to talk every day; but if you do, tell him that. Don't be afraid to communicate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 So he's interested in having dinners with you about once a week, but not interested in keeping up the communication in between these dates. It sounds like he is only interested in hanging out casually. His interest level sounds low. He's content to communicate with you about once a week and doesn't feel the need for more than that. Saying "I'm a bad tester" is such a lame excuse. If someone wants to communicate with someone, they will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 Bad texters are really annoying. All I can say is don’t get too invested into anything with someone flakey as you’ll end up hurt. 😞 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 My boyfriend of 7 years is a bad texter. He almost never initiates texts and forgets to respond sometimes. BUT he almost always texts me to initiate plans or if he needs to tell me something important. In other words he uses texting to convey info rather then to just shoot the breeze. One thing about him is that he ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS shows up and is very consistent with making plans and I never have to doubt him (and never have from the beginning) in terms of him showing up and us being together. He also is a lot better at conversation in person rather then when we are at our own houses (we don't live together). One thing that was a little confusing was because sometimes texting is often used a way to determine a man's interest in you (or lack of interest) and that was never the case with my boyfriend. He always seemed interested aside from his bad texting habits. Some people just don't like to text. My advice is if you see value in this guy then look at his other habits that I mentioned above. Does he always show up for dates? Does he consistently plan? Does he engage in good conversation and seem genuinely interested in you when you guys are together in person? That could be a better measure of his investment then his poor texting habits. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 Well ... in the not too distant past, it was NOT required that people be in contact or available 24/7. Things were much simpler then. Sigh. Now a guy is supposed to be *GOOD* as shooting off meaningless little notes throughout the days or else be at risk of seeming disinterested. He's supposed to do it while on the toilet or between bites of a meal, even. Can you do without this? I mean, since he's asking you out and things are progressing between you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author samantha0704 Posted January 11 Author Share Posted January 11 (edited) A little update, we couldn’t meet for around 2 weeks because of the holidays and both of us got sick right after. During the holidays I went for a trip with my family and he surprisingly was quite active in texting, also replying to my instagram story, also sent me a reel of a place to go to after the holidays. However after I got back from my trip and both of us started working again, he’s back on track of being a bad texter. But then early the next week he texted me and made plans to meet for the week. We met last Thursday, and I got the chance to ask him if he doesn’t like texting. He said yes, confirming it, and said calling is much easier for him since he found texting quite troublesome. We had fun during our time together, I could feel he was very present and engaged, even initiating that we should go somewhere else after the dinner when we just sat down to eat. And I’ve been noticing that he actually puts his phone away every time we meet unless there’s an urgent work matter, but also isn’t afraid to let me handle his phone when he’s driving or when he’s showing me something on it. Are these confirmations that he’s actually interested despite his texting habits? There’s this fear that he’s just being friendly and enjoys my presence as a friend. Edited January 11 by samantha0704 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 Why couldn't you meet over the Xmas holidays? Was one of you away with family? Link to post Share on other sites
Author samantha0704 Posted January 11 Author Share Posted January 11 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Why couldn't you meet over the Xmas holidays? Was one of you away with family? yes, I also stated above I was away on a trip with my family. Link to post Share on other sites
Interstellar Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 On 1/8/2025 at 7:41 PM, Lauriebell82 said: My boyfriend of 7 years is a bad texter. He almost never initiates texts and forgets to respond sometimes. BUT he almost always texts me to initiate plans or if he needs to tell me something important. In other words he uses texting to convey info rather then to just shoot the breeze. One thing about him is that he ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS shows up and is very consistent with making plans and I never have to doubt him (and never have from the beginning) in terms of him showing up and us being together. He also is a lot better at conversation in person rather then when we are at our own houses (we don't live together). One thing that was a little confusing was because sometimes texting is often used a way to determine a man's interest in you (or lack of interest) and that was never the case with my boyfriend. He always seemed interested aside from his bad texting habits. Some people just don't like to text. My advice is if you see value in this guy then look at his other habits that I mentioned above. Does he always show up for dates? Does he consistently plan? Does he engage in good conversation and seem genuinely interested in you when you guys are together in person? That could be a better measure of his investment then his poor texting habits. We have a winner. On 1/8/2025 at 7:52 PM, NuevoYorko said: Well ... in the not too distant past, it was NOT required that people be in contact or available 24/7. Things were much simpler then. Sigh. Now a guy is supposed to be *GOOD* as shooting off meaningless little notes throughout the days or else be at risk of seeming disinterested. He's supposed to do it while on the toilet or between bites of a meal, even. Can you do without this? I mean, since he's asking you out and things are progressing between you? Exactly, texting about meaningless things gets old very, very quickly. Before you know it, familiarity breeds contempt and the poor guy ends up getting dumped. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 On 1/7/2025 at 11:18 PM, samantha0704 said: Since then we’ve been going out for weekday dinners once a week, with him initiating most of it (we’ve been close for almost 3 months and I’ve only initiated 3 times. He did the rest.) I think his texting style is irrelevant. This ^ is what concerns me, it's been nearly three months on your only meeting once a week on weekdays. Why are the two of you not seeing each other for dates on Friday and Saturday nights? Why are you not spending significant parts of the weekend together? Sounds like one of you is either too busy for a relationship or not that interested in progressing things Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 3 hours ago, Interstellar said: Now a guy is supposed to be *GOOD* as shooting off meaningless little notes throughout the days or else be at risk of seeming disinterested. He's supposed to do it while on the toilet or between bites of a meal, even. Why do young women want to be in contact with their boyfriends 24/7/365? Anyone would get tired and bored having to stay in touch this much. Plus, don't people have lives to live. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author samantha0704 Posted January 12 Author Share Posted January 12 4 hours ago, basil67 said: I think his texting style is irrelevant. This ^ is what concerns me, it's been nearly three months on your only meeting once a week on weekdays. Why are the two of you not seeing each other for dates on Friday and Saturday nights? Why are you not spending significant parts of the weekend together? Sounds like one of you is either too busy for a relationship or not that interested in progressing things this is actually what concerns me too. I had initiated a weekend “date” once to visit a photography exhibition (we both love photography) but he got sick back then and we couldn’t go. He expressed how he really wanted to go. Since then I haven’t initiated anything for the weekend but he hadn’t, too. There are several things about him to take notes about, tough: he works in a field where his work demands availability even on the weekends and his work schedule is kinda sporadic (it’s sometimes unpredictable at what time he’s gonna leave work) - and he often takes freelance jobs on weekends too. These past few weeks he reached out to me once his schedule clears up outside the decided plan to meet (for example we’ve decided to meet on Thursday, but then on Wednesday if it turns out he’d be leaving work early, he’d call to ask if I want to have dinner, so we met up twice that week.) I also found out that he’s a slow burner, bcs with his last ex he took 9 months before making it official. Should I take all these facts into account and do all the actions he’d done weigh more than the fact we aren’t seeing each other on weekends? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 2 hours ago, samantha0704 said: this is actually what concerns me too. I had initiated a weekend “date” once to visit a photography exhibition (we both love photography) but he got sick back then and we couldn’t go. He expressed how he really wanted to go. Since then I haven’t initiated anything for the weekend but he hadn’t, too. There are several things about him to take notes about, tough: he works in a field where his work demands availability even on the weekends and his work schedule is kinda sporadic (it’s sometimes unpredictable at what time he’s gonna leave work) - and he often takes freelance jobs on weekends too. These past few weeks he reached out to me once his schedule clears up outside the decided plan to meet (for example we’ve decided to meet on Thursday, but then on Wednesday if it turns out he’d be leaving work early, he’d call to ask if I want to have dinner, so we met up twice that week.) I also found out that he’s a slow burner, bcs with his last ex he took 9 months before making it official. Should I take all these facts into account and do all the actions he’d done weigh more than the fact we aren’t seeing each other on weekends? So basically, it's all about him and when it's convenient for him to see you. Is this really good enough for you? The fact that he has a job which has him on call is not your problem. Your ONLY concern is whether or not your relationship needs are being met 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 12 Share Posted January 12 He's an OK guy but that's not the only reason to invest in someone...it's about meeting YOUR expectations. You want someone that is more available to you, likes communication, moves things along at a faster pace, romances you, brings you flowers, compliments you, expresses how he feels about you, etc. This guy doesn't meet any of this. Don't be desperate over a hot guy you barley can get with. Think about yourself, and your self worth. You don't sacrifice everything you want just to be with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 13 Share Posted January 13 On 1/11/2025 at 6:21 PM, samantha0704 said: Should I take all these facts into account and do all the actions he’d done weigh more than the fact we aren’t seeing each other on weekends? Please don't let other people make this determination for you. Are YOU getting what you need out of this arrangement? You've known him a while now. I would think you'd be able to have a candid conversation about where both of you would like to see this relationship going. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Esteban Posted January 13 Share Posted January 13 It seems like this is a man/woman thing. Men need to understand that it's really not that much effort to send 2-3 short messages a day to a girlfriend like "I love you" "just sending you positive vibes babe" or "busy now, but thinking of you, but will reply later". So therefore should probably do it, as long as the messages are sincere. If you're not feeling anything, just send "hey what you up to, I'm at work" as long as the boring stuff isn't too common it's better than nothing. If you forget to send the message just send a reminder alarm or reminder in your work email. If nothing else, it's worth it for the selfish payoff. Women need to understand that for men they can really like you and just not want to send the 3 messages per day (or however many) that some women expect, and they just don't even realize this is how women are. Also, if they don't seem to realize just tell them you would appreciate 3 messages a day. Just tell them to send a message saying "I miss you" if they do, or "I just thought of you" when they do and a bit of how my day's going. Just tell them. If you tell them you'd appreciate this and they still won't do that's not great, but as observed elsewhere look at the other behaviors. Of course not everyone fits this gender stereotyping but probably I'd say 70% of people do. Link to post Share on other sites
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