Girlfriend is at my place. a lot

[johh]

Me (m28) and my gf (f 25) have been dating for about 6 months. We get along, and I think she's a nice girl. A while ago, I gave her a spare key to my apartment so she could come and go as she wanted (which I'm thinking now was a big mistake). She lives at home with her parents and siblings, and I figured this would be a quiet place for her to come and get away, do schoolwork, etc. The arrangement was nice for a while- she'd spend a couple days at a time here and then would go back home. I figured this wouldn't be an issue, and I've told her before I enjoy my personal space and time to myself, which she understood. But, generally, I liked her company when she was here. 

Things began changing recently when she started a new job close to where my apartment is. Her hours also changed from nights to mornings, so she's free every afternoon and evening, as she gets off work at around 3 pm. Basically, she's always here now. She leaves work, she comes here. She'll be here 10-15 days at a time before I ask her to go home; then she's immediately asking when she can come back. She practically lives here, rent free. I've asked her, gingerly, to go home and let me have some time to myself, which she begrudgingly does. Around the time all this started, she's also texting me and calling me a lot more when we aren't around, and generally wants to spend every waking second with me. As an aside, I had made plans with friends and mentioned them casually to her, and she's already blown off plans she made with her own friends to go with me. 

When she's here, she makes a mess, too. Clothes, belongings, etc are scattered around. She makes messes in the kitchen, toothpaste in the bathroom sink, and doesn't clean them up. She leaves lights on (I'm paying the bill, of course). She refers to my apartment, in passing, as "home" and "our apartment". Recently, I discovered her mom said it's "weird" that I ask her to go home occasionally. How's that weird? 

Anyways, I feel like my autonomy and personal space is being seriously violated. I've talked to her about this, but she takes it personally (she's not outwardly emotional, but I can sense it really bothers her) and I don't know what to do. I feel like she's become my shadow, always around. It's bothersome and I  don't know how to bring it up in a way that sticks and won't hurt her feelings. 

I like her being here, but I find myself in a bad mood whenever I get home from work, and she's here. She wants all my attention constantly, from the moment I walk through the door. I'm even sleeping on the couch now in my own apartment most nights because she's always practically on top of me. 

Maybe this all sounds unhinged, but I'm at my wits end and feel like I'm in a situation I'm quickly losing control over. 

 

[Miss Chrysalis]

30 minutes ago, johh said:

Me (m28) and my gf (f 25) have been dating for about 6 months. We get along, and I think she's a nice girl. A while ago, I gave her a spare key to my apartment so she could come and go as she wanted (which I'm thinking now was a big mistake). She lives at home with her parents and siblings, and I figured this would be a quiet place for her to come and get away, do schoolwork, etc. The arrangement was nice for a while- she'd spend a couple days at a time here and then would go back home. I figured this wouldn't be an issue, and I've told her before I enjoy my personal space and time to myself, which she understood. But, generally, I liked her company when she was here. 

Things began changing recently when she started a new job close to where my apartment is. Her hours also changed from nights to mornings, so she's free every afternoon and evening, as she gets off work at around 3 pm. Basically, she's always here now. She leaves work, she comes here. She'll be here 10-15 days at a time before I ask her to go home; then she's immediately asking when she can come back. She practically lives here, rent free. I've asked her, gingerly, to go home and let me have some time to myself, which she begrudgingly does. Around the time all this started, she's also texting me and calling me a lot more when we aren't around, and generally wants to spend every waking second with me. As an aside, I had made plans with friends and mentioned them casually to her, and she's already blown off plans she made with her own friends to go with me. 

When she's here, she makes a mess, too. Clothes, belongings, etc are scattered around. She makes messes in the kitchen, toothpaste in the bathroom sink, and doesn't clean them up. She leaves lights on (I'm paying the bill, of course). She refers to my apartment, in passing, as "home" and "our apartment". Recently, I discovered her mom said it's "weird" that I ask her to go home occasionally. How's that weird? 

Anyways, I feel like my autonomy and personal space is being seriously violated. I've talked to her about this, but she takes it personally (she's not outwardly emotional, but I can sense it really bothers her) and I don't know what to do. I feel like she's become my shadow, always around. It's bothersome and I  don't know how to bring it up in a way that sticks and won't hurt her feelings. 

I like her being here, but I find myself in a bad mood whenever I get home from work, and she's here. She wants all my attention constantly, from the moment I walk through the door. I'm even sleeping on the couch now in my own apartment most nights because she's always practically on top of me. 

Maybe this all sounds unhinged, but I'm at my wits end and feel like I'm in a situation I'm quickly losing control over. 

 

So I guess it's safe to say marriage isn't something you're interested in? In general, I don't mean just with her.  

You're not unhinged, you're just you.  Sounds like you're an introvert and there's nothing wrong with that.  Introverts rule!

The only way to handle this one is communication.  You have to lay it out there that you just need more alone time than you're getting.  She may understand that/respect that or she may not.  Hopefully she will and you can come up with some kind of schedule. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You don't sound unhinged. 

You sound frustrated and lackig in boundaries, though. No, you should not have given her a key and an invitation to come and go as she pleases. Your heart might have been in the right place but that sort of open invitation needs to be preceeded by a conversation about expectations of together vs. personal time. It wasn't an invitation to move in, which she seems to have treated it as. She should be more mindful about not over-staying her welcome either, but here you are. 

You are going to have to have another talk with her. She won't like it, but you can be graceful in assuring her that you enjoy her company but also appreciate down-time and since you haven't been together long, it's critical to give each other healthy space. If she balks and gets upset, you may need to reconsider whether she's the right one for you. 

[Miss Chrysalis]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If she balks and gets upset, you may need to reconsider whether she's the right one for you. 

Agree. This is a good chance for the two of you to to see whether you have what it takes to make accommodations and compromise.

[Gebidozo]

I don’t see anything unhinged in your desire to have space for yourself and in your astonishment at your girlfriend’s behavior.

I think that she’s being strangely naive and difficult to communicate with, at best; tactless, exploitative, and selfish, at worst.

Giving her the key was obviously a mistake. I also think that you aren’t being decisive enough by allowing her to take over your space and time like this. If you want to stay in this relationship, you must set up clear boundaries. Have a serious talk with her and tell her everything you’ve told us.

 

[ShyViolet]

Do you have trouble speaking up and asserting yourself?   I really don't understand how you let it get to this point, or why you can't tell her NO.  You say you've tried to talk to her about this, but I don't think you were clear enough.  It is time to seriously set some boundaries here, to tell her that you are not comfortable with her being at your place every day like this.  Maybe she should not have the key to your place.  Tell her you want your key back.  Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.  If her reaction is to get upset, if she doesn't accept this, then I think you need to seriously rethink the relationship.  She is being disrespectful of your space and your boundaries.  

You need to set some serious boundaries NOW, and stop worrying about her getting upset.  The longer you let this go on, the harder it will be for you to get out of this situation.

Oh and, if you do end up breaking up, make sure to change your locks.

Edited January 8 by ShyViolet

[Maldives]

Might be a deal breaker. I say that because you've talked to her and she isn't responding to your boundaries very well. When I was married I never felt like this with my wife at the time even though we were living together, It flowed and even though we were living together full-time it never felt like I needed breathing space with her. We kinda did our own thing and then come together. 

[basil67]

How blunt have you been with her?   Next time she says it's our apartment or home, tell her that it's your apartment and she's a guest. Remind her that you did not invite her to move in.   Then break it down to something like  "I am happy for you to come sometimes, but I also need space.  I think two weeknights and one day and night on the weekend would work for me"  and also "if you're going to stay here, I need you to tidy up after yourself, and leave the sinks and surfaces clean.  This is not a hotel".

She may break up with you if you say it, but you've got to get some boundaries in place

[Gaeta]

Even if you told her you enjoy your space and time on your own, I don't think she fully understands what that means and how she can apply that practically. 

I would sit with her,  take the calendar out and decide, as per both your schedule,  what are the days she can come over. No more surprises. Also, remind her you are not her mother, she needs to pick up after herself. 

Why is she still living at home at 25?

Sounds like she wants to go from living home to living with her boyfriend. This girl needs to learn to go fetch for herself. 

Edited January 8 by Gaeta

[Els]

Okay, giving her a key was most definitely a mistake, especially if you didn't clarify what the key meant. IMO if a romantic partner gives you the key to their apartment, it's practically an invitation to view their place as your home.

I think you just have to state that bluntly to her. That it was a mistake, that you didn't in fact mean that this is her home, and that you want to live separately for part of the week.

If she still resists, then unfortunately you have to consider whether this relationship is right for you.

[smackie9]

I would kick her to the curb...she's immature, entitled and lazy. She's not ready for the real world. It's not your job to teach/train her how to behave./take care of herself. It's obvious the parent look at you as a way of getting her to leave home. 

Edited January 8 by smackie9

[introverted1]

Your gf is definitely taking advantage of the situation.  Does she live this way (leaving a mess everywhere) at home, too?  I'm guessing she's never lived as an adult.

Agree with others that you need to talk to her and let her know how many nights/days you want her there. There is nothing wrong or unhinged with wanting your own space. And definitely no reason why you should be cleaning up after another adult. 

[MsJayne]

Six months and she’s already taking over. You can’t even sleep in your own bed without this self-absorbed slob crowding you out. She’s trying to move in by stealth, plotting the day when she completely takes over. It sounds like her parents think she’s moved in with you, and they’re probably popping the champagne corks about that, they’re sick of picking up after her and dealing with her enormous sense of entitlement. You need to get your key back and straight up tell her that you don’t want to live with her, and that when she’s at your house she needs to respect the way you live because you’re not the maid. It’ll be awkward, because entitled pea-brains struggle with the concept that they’re annoying. The other alternative is changing your locks and blocking her everywhere, that’d send an effective message without the bother of an uncomfortable conversation.