hmm111 Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 She broke up with me 2 months ago ending a 5 year relationship. There was limited NC as there were a few emails and calls during the time but basically she cut me out and ignored me from her life. She was bitter at how I treated her during the relationship and held a resentment towards me. She felt she wasn't wanted and that she put in more effort than me. Since a few days ago, she has called and text me every day and night asking if wanted to go hang out with her. This was strange because a few weeks ago, I had asked her out to lunch, and she turned me down saying that we are not together anymore and it would be awkward. So I've gone out with her a few times these past few days....and during this time, she has stressed many times about us being friends now but she also gives signals that tells me she wants something more and plus, whats with all the contact by her lately? I'm so confused as to what her motives are. I'm trying not to bring up anything about getting back together in fear of ruining what has been built so far in the past few days. Has anyone been the dumper and actually tried to reconcile with the ex in hopes of establishing a friendship and nothing more? Link to post Share on other sites
oss91 Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Being friends with an ex, especially if it was a pretty long relationship, just doesn't ever work. One person always wants to be more than just friends, while the other just doesn't want to be completely on their own. She thinks she's just being friendly, while you are getting your hopes up again about reconciling. It's not fair to you. Give it more time. In time, the bad memories will fade and only the good memories will remain. Even if she is out with other guys for a couple of months, there's no way five years of memories together with you will be replaced in a couple of months. Tell her not to contact you until she's grown a bit, and once she has, tell her to feel free to get back in touch with you and maybe y'all can give it another shot. Couples that date for a long time will, almost inevitably, break up at least once. And two months really isn't long enough to accurately interpret the situation. I personally know many couples that dated for years, broke up for a while, and are now happily back together and/or married. Give it time, improve yourself, and don't give a damn about what she's up to. She's jumped into another pond, now let her swim in it for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
PAP Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 From my own experience my ex gf started communicating with me again after 2 months of nc. Well i was replying to all her messages and i was acting cool and friendly.One night while she was drunk she even told me that she still loves me. Well after a while i broke down and asked her why she is coming closer to me again. she told me that she didnt want to lose me from her life because i was an important person. Well my friend i told her that i cannot see her as a friend and its better to cut every communication with her. This is the hard road i am taking but instead of analysing each and every mixed message she sends me and holding on "false hope" its the only sollution.I still love her but i cannot continue holding on false hope. She wont get back with you if you are still her friend, if she trully wants to try again with you she will tell you straight up and stop sending you mixed signals. Stop being available to her and try living your life, if you can see her only as a friend and nothing more then thats fine, if not then i am afraid you must cut every communication with her. Been there done than, its the only way Link to post Share on other sites
oss91 Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 ^ ^ Exactly. Girls are not friends. Honestly, when a girl considers you a friend, isn't that the kiss of death? I don't consider any girl to be a friend. Not even my ex girlfriend when we dated. She was my girlfriend, not my friend. If you really want to be just friends with her then that is fine, but it sure seems like you don't want to be relegated to the friend role. Don't be her friend, period. It's all or nothing. Don't let her have the cake and eat it too, so to speak. One night while she was drunk she even told me that she still loves me. At least yours didn't tell you she wants to be the mother of your children. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 You said something key, your ex feels you acted like you didn't appreciate her. In that case, if you want her back, read Blaise Harris' book. He addresses your exact situation. Sounds like she is interested again but is apprehensive due to how you treated her in the past. Have you worked on self-improvement since you broke up? If you think you might want her back, read the book. Take things slow. There's hope if you have changed and can provide her what she needs. If you haven't changed then a reconcilliation won't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hmm111 Posted January 10, 2006 Author Share Posted January 10, 2006 I will definitely try to get a hold of that book. She has told me before earlier in the breakup that if I was a bit more attentive in the relationship, we would still be together right now. So during the times that I went out with her recently, I have been myself but avoided showing the things that she didn't like about me. While we were eating at a restaurant, she tells me that I'm different now and that I'm also the same in retaining the good things she liked about me. One time in the car, she reached over to hug me out of nowhere and without saying anything. A few times while we were shopping, she would ask me if I would want her to get this or that article of clothing but would immediately correct herself by saying "oh wait, it doesn't matter if u like it or not anymore since we're not together". While out with her, I have been the person I was when we first met and made her laugh all the time and pretty much just charming her through the outings...many times she has smilingly said to me to stop trying to charm/flatter her in a way that translates to "keep up the good work." Aside from these positive signals, she would usually mention that we're friends now. I do feel that she is interested again but scared that things might be the same. Since the breakup, I HAVE picked it up appearance-wise and have tried to eliminate the bad traits about myself(she has complimented me many times when we were out). She has been doing all the contact while I have done none recently. We both have not dated anyone since or even discussed being with someone else so I feel that that obstacle may not exist for a little while. I do want us to get back together and understand that remaining as friends just won't work. But the past few days have been a huge leap from before and yes, I'm going to take it slow and see if she gives out any strong obvious hints that she wants it to work again bc right now I feel that things could be turning around. Link to post Share on other sites
chocolate_boy Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 ^ ^ Exactly. Girls are not friends. Honestly, when a girl considers you a friend, isn't that the kiss of death? I don't consider any girl to be a friend. I wouldn't agree with this, I have female friends, but they're all either girls I have no desire of ever sleeping with, or one's I already have, like there are two of my exes from a few years ago I am good friends with, but could only be after some significant time had past and we both moved onto new relationships, so it is possible, but you first need time to REALLY get over each other, that could take 3 years (as one of the exes has only come back into my life last 4 months, but we'e cool). Link to post Share on other sites
oss91 Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I wouldn't agree with this, I have female friends, but they're all either girls I have no desire of ever sleeping with, or one's I already have, And how many girls that you have a desire to sleep with do you consider to be friends? That's what I was referring to. Putting it your way, I too have girls that are friends, but it's only those girls that I have absolutely no attraction towards. Link to post Share on other sites
Jey dey dey Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 You're doing good, don't break down and ask her for another chance or if a chance exists. This will tell her everything she needs to know and trust me she'll start dating because she'll know you're on the back burner waiting. Keep being charming, keep making her laugh but don't always be available. Did she say she wanted space or are you broken up? If you are broken up make it look like you've started dating again. I hate head games but sometimes you have to play them. She doesn't want to lose you, she has been calling you, and she likes the fact you still come out with her. Next time you see her (after you ignore her once) mention how you didn't think a friendship would work but now you see that it is. If she asks if you're dating say yes, that you're going out, meeting new people, that you're happy. She doens't want to lose you, she won't want you, to date, she'll probably start talking about a second chance, play it cool. Ask her if she really thinks that would work. Say that you don't know, you're not sure. See what she does/say than. Link to post Share on other sites
mSjENny Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 im just taking a guess but what i think is she still cares about you of course u cant just throw away 5 years like nuthin but shes afraid to get back with you and get hurt again but thats just what i think. Link to post Share on other sites
LN8840K Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 She has told me before earlier in the breakup that if I was a bit more attentive in the relationship, we would still be together right now. wow looks like the relationship failure was all your fault, maybe you should change who you are, so you can be with her So during the times that I went out with her recently, I have been myself but avoided showing the things that she didn't like about me. how long do you think you can avoid showing her the things she did not like about you in the first place, don't unpack your bags you will be going on another guilt trip soon enough ... why not just find someone who accepts you the way you are ? Link to post Share on other sites
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