Dating an Older Man for 2 Years, Not Sure Where It's Heading

[Be Okay]

I've (46) been dating an older man (62) for the last 2 years. Neither of us have kids. The first year was wonderful, we fell in love quickly and everything just felt so perfect --despite the age difference, the fact that he's sober for over for 20 years (I drink in moderation) and the distance (not that I necessarily consider this long distance, but a 50 minute drive through a couple major busy metro areas without traffic). Early on we'd talk about the future (i.e. moving in together, marriage, building a life together), but I'd say that things have changed quite a bit over the last year. This past year, he's traveled to see me in my city only 3 times (one time was my birthday). I suffered a significant rib injury and ankle injure over the summer and he never came to see me once, while I continued traveling to him. The first year, he'd come and stay with me one night per week and I'd come to him on the weekends. That seemed to suit both of our needs at the time. But, as time has gone on, he doesn't stay with me anymore during the week and I spend Saturday night into Sunday with him maybe about 2-3 times per month. Increasingly, he's busy and often times 2 weeks (sometimes 3) goes by and we don't see each other. This has become an issue for me. To be fair, I live in a small condo with a queen size bed while his home is a lot more comfortable and spacious.

He does have a very psychologically draining job, is very involved with addiction recovery and in general just seems to need a lot of alone time/time for rest. I suspect that his low energy levels could be related to some minor depression.  

I'm not sure what a normal amount of time is to be spending together after 2 years of being in a committed relationship, but I do know that I want more. I've talked to him several times about this and nothing really changes long-term. I want more from the relationship and have even broken up with him a couple times over this. Both times, he's reeled me back in. I'm just getting really tired of being the only one packing up and traveling only to spend 1.5 days per week together (if we're lucky). At some point, I was hoping that he'd recognize this struggle on my end and either invite me to stay for longer periods of time or just ask me to move in. In the back of my mind, I thought there would be an outside chance that he'd propose over the holidays, but this obviously I was wrong and this never happened. I've also noticed in the last couple months that his libido has changed. We used to make love all the time, but now often times he's too tired. The last 3 times we've tried he's had some ED issues. He's assured me it has absolutely nothing to do with me and said that he made an appointment with his doctor. 

I've also noticed that he takes me on fewer dates compared to when we first started dating. To be fair, he has a really nice home in an amazing setting that I often times don't mind not leaving. We always enjoy our time staying in, cooking together and just spending quality time. But, it would be nice if we had more time together so we could go out one night and stay in another. We always seem to have to choose. We've only been on one trip together, which was a long weekend -- this didn't occur until we had already been dating for well over a year. This is also when we had our first major fight. We worked through it, but it still kind of bothers me and makes me wonder if we're compatible long-term. He's met my friends and family, I haven't met his yet --  They live half way across the country and he's really not that close with them. However, this still kind of bothers me. 

When we're together, we have a great time -- connect on a really deep and spiritual level, make each other laugh, have amazing intimacy (until recently), enjoy watching the same sports/movies. It's the time in between and apart that's starting to take a toll. I want a partner who wants to spend more time together and wants to plan a future together. I'm just not feeling that these days. I know that in heart, I should move on and find someone more compatible. But there's no guarantees, especially at my age, that I'd meet someone to settle down with. My heart is breaking because no matter what I do, I'm going to go through heart break. I really love this man and I know he loves me a lot, but I'm just feeling really down about the whole situation. 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, Be Okay said:

I'm not sure what a normal amount of time is to be spending together after 2 years of being in a committed relationship

There is no normal.

My FIL maintained a long term distance (1.5hr drive) relationship with a woman.  They would take turns staying at each other's place once or twice a month and both were content with this.   On the other hand, my partner and I were already living together at 2 years in

It's really what YOU want.  If you want someone who you see frequently, this guy isn't the one for you.   

 

Edited January 9 by basil67

[Be Okay]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There is no normal.

My FIL maintained a long term distance (1.5hr drive) relationship with a woman.  They would take turns staying at each other's place once or twice a month and both were content with this.   On the other hand, my partner and I were already living together at 2 years in

It's really what YOU want.  If you want someone who you see frequently, this guy isn't the one for you.   

 

Thanks for the response, basil67. Yes, I've heard of people having relationships similar to this. I understand that it works for some, however this is not what I want. I know what I need to do, but it just hurts thinking about breaking up with someone I'm in love with. 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Be Okay said:

Thanks for the response, basil67. Yes, I've heard of people having relationships similar to this. I understand that it works for some, however this is not what I want. I know what I need to do, but it just hurts thinking about breaking up with someone I'm in love with. 

But is he in love with you?    Or are you his 'lady friend'?

[Be Okay]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But is he in love with you?    Or are you his 'lady friend'?

Yes, he's in love with me. I don't believe I'm just his "lady friend." 

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Be Okay said:

Yes, he's in love with me. I don't believe I'm just his "lady friend." 

I'm not there in the background, so I'll have to trust you on this one.   But I'm struggling to relate to the idea of someone being in love with you, but not wanting to spend much time with you.  

[Be Okay]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm not there in the background, so I'll have to trust you on this one.   But I'm struggling to relate to the idea of someone being in love with you, but not wanting to spend much time with you.  

I think you could be right. I'm not going to argue whether or not he's in love with me -- it feel like he's in love with me. 

[Gaeta]

A couple of questions:

How long was his longest relationship?

Has he ever lived with a partner and how long?

 

[Gebidozo]

As @basil67 says, there is no normal, it’s all about how you feel.

Personally, I’d consider this an insufficient time spent together after 2 years. Like you, I’d definitely want more.

I’d be very hurt if my SO never visited me once during a time I was suffering from a physical injury. It’s a 50 minutes drive, not a 2 days series of connecting flights. I’d think that my SO’s reluctance to visit me during tough times indicates a lack of concern and, ultimately, lacking love.

[smackie9]

If you care that much then you should be able to communicate all this to him. That's the only way you will get answers. 

[Be Okay]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

A couple of questions:

How long was his longest relationship?

Has he ever lived with a partner and how long?

 

Hi Gaeta — Thanks for engaging in the conversation.

His longest relationship was 7 years. He’s also had a couple that lasted 5 years.

He lived with a woman who was his was wife many, many years ago. He married someone in his early 30s while he was still using and this understandable only lasted for less than a year. Otherwise, he has never lived with a woman. This fact does concern me. 

[Be Okay]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

As @basil67 says, there is no normal, it’s all about how you feel.

Personally, I’d consider this an insufficient time spent together after 2 years. Like you, I’d definitely want more.

I’d be very hurt if my SO never visited me once during a time I was suffering from a physical injury. It’s a 50 minutes drive, not a 2 days series of connecting flights. I’d think that my SO’s reluctance to visit me during tough times indicates a lack of concern and, ultimately, lacking love.

Good evening, Gebidozo — Thanks for the reply. I understand that there’s no normal in terms of how much time a dating couple should be spending together. It just feels like after 2 years together, it should be more than what we’re doing. 
 

I was very hurt when he never came to me during my injuries and time of need. He feels very remorseful and has expressed this to me several times. But, it’s definitely something that still bothers me deep down. In his defense, I never asked for help (which maybe I should have). I hate inconveniencing people. Maybe I should’ve just asked him. If I had, I know he would’ve helped. But still…

[Be Okay]

59 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If you care that much then you should be able to communicate all this to him. That's the only way you will get answers. 

Hi Smackie9 — I have communicated all of this to him, several times. I’ve even left him twice when nothing changed. He has a way of reeling me back in convincing me that things will change, but long-term they never do. 

[Gebidozo]

2 minutes ago, Be Okay said:

I was very hurt when he never came to me during my injuries and time of need. He feels very remorseful and has expressed this to me several times. But, it’s definitely something that still bothers me deep down. In his defense, I never asked for help (which maybe I should have). I hate inconveniencing people. Maybe I should’ve just asked him. If I had, I know he would’ve helped. But still…

Well, if he felt genuine remorse, there is hope that he’ll become more supportive in the future. Perhaps you can find forgiveness in your heart and give him a chance. Also, I’d definitely suggest asking him for help when you need it.

He is probably too used to be living on his own. He might be needing time to step out of his comfortable cocoon and become more active and generous in this relationship. One concerning thing is that, as you said, there appears to be no progress. I think that he should show you some goodwill by gradually increasing the amount of time you spend together. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I suffered a significant rib injury and ankle injure over the summer and he never came to see me once, while I continued traveling to him. 

Full stop right here. This is where you take a stand. Dude doesn't attend to you when you have a physical injury? No! That was time for a major confrontation or time to pull back and say you're unhappy and not to answer his calls or texts for two weeks. 

Sorry in the modern world, you cannot create a good relationship if you're going to let people ignore you when you really want and need them. Being wimpy and agreeable--sorry that does NOT work in modern 21st century relationships. And heck, if I stood near my mother's grade--she was born over 100 years ago--and I asked if being agreeable and compliant was a good strategy for women, I guarantee you that I would hear a loud voice coughing up from below ground. And the voice would be a strong, "No!"

On time, you spend as much time as YOU WANT. That's what you request--there is no formula. Now, I would say if I were two years into a serious relationship, the time you are talking about seems way too low. 

BTW: rib injuries are killers.  Injured ribs can hurt when you breathe! Aching. 

 

Edited January 10 by Lotsgoingon

[Be Okay]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, if he felt genuine remorse, there is hope that he’ll become more supportive in the future. Perhaps you can find forgiveness in your heart and give him a chance. Also, I’d definitely suggest asking him for help when you need it.

He is probably too used to be living on his own. He might be needing time to step out of his comfortable cocoon and become more active and generous in this relationship. One concerning thing is that, as you said, there appears to be no progress. I think that he should show you some goodwill by gradually increasing the amount of time you spend together. 

You are correct, I should’ve asked for help when I needed it. I’m an independent woman and don’t like relying on others. I’m working on this. My condo is very small, we’re both tall and my bed is a queen size. It’s kind of a nightmare for either of us to get sleep when he’s here. It definitely wouldn’t have worked with my broken ribs in the same bed. I’ve forgiven him, but it still kinda hurts to think about. I would’ve moved mountains to help him if the roles were reversed (would’ve bought a blow up mattress if I had to in order to stay with him, made him meals to re-heat, brought him anything he needed). I certainly wouldn’t have waited for him to ask for all of these things. It’s all in the past and I don’t bring it up anymore. 
 

I think you’re absolutely right when you state that he’s used to living on his own. I’m a very neat and organized person and always bring some food to help contribute to our time spent together so that burden of “hosting” me doesn’t fall squarely on his shoulders. I aways leave things better than when I came. 
 

We had an amazing time together over Christmas and spent a little more time together than usual. I was really hoping that this was a step forward in our relationship. But he’s kind of pulled back again. 

[Be Okay]

19 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I suffered a significant rib injury and ankle injure over the summer and he never came to see me once, while I continued traveling to him. 

Full stop right here. This is where you take a stand. Dude doesn't attend to you when you have a physical injury? No! That was time for a major confrontation or time to pull back and say you're unhappy and not to answer his calls or texts for two weeks. 

Sorry in the modern world, you cannot create a good relationship if you're going to let people ignore you when you really want and need them. Being wimpy and agreeable--sorry that does NOT work in modern 21st century relationships. And heck, if I stood near my mother's grade--she was born over 100 years ago--and I asked if being agreeable and compliant was a good strategy for women, I guarantee you that I would hear a loud voice coughing up from below ground. And the voice would be a strong, "No!"

On time, you spend as much time as YOU WANT. That's what you request--there is no formula. Now, I would say if I were two years into a serious relationship, the time you are talking about seems way too low. 

BTW: rib injuries are killers.  Injured ribs can hurt when you breathe! Aching. 

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond, Lotsgoingon -- means a lot. 

There were a couple months over the summer where I didn't really know my head from my a**, was trying to continue running my business (which can be physical at times). Once I started feeling a little better and I started feeling the affects of us not spending much time together again, I finally started feeling the anger of it all. This is one of the times I broke up with him and this is when he came back feeling so remorseful. I didn't talk to him for almost a month. He has a way of saying the right things in order to get me back.

I agree with what your Mom would say, LOL --she's right! I'm starting to feel like he's taking me for granted. It kind of seems like he thinks I'll always come back to him or always be around on his terms. I know that I can't keep breaking up with him in hopes of him changing. I do realize that I can't keep crying wolf. I also realize that if I break up with him again (for the 3rd time), it has to absolutely be the final time. I've had several really in depth conversations about what I want and need in the relationship. There's really nothing else I can say to him.

It's just getting to the point where I'm tired of it all. I shouldn't have to beg for someone's time or acclimate to what works for them in a relationship -- there has to be some middle ground. What I don't want is for him to give in and ask me to move in or propose in order to not lose me (a.k.a. being forced into something he's not comfortable with). He's had 2 failed engagements in the past and I'm beginning to wonder if the same thing was happening in the past. When we're together, it's amazing -- he's everything I want. But often times, a lot of time goes by in between our visits -- almost as if he needs to take breather?? It would absolutely break my heart to break up with him because there's still a lot of love between us, but I'm beginning to think that maybe I should cut my losses in order to find what I truly want in a relationship. I'm not exactly young anymore (46), I'd hate to find myself in this same situation 1-2 years from now. I'd also hate to let go of someone I really love. 

Rib fractures are a complete nightmare, that's for sure. Thanks for acknowledging this.  

[Lotsgoingon]

I used to be one of those guys who needed to take breathers. That only meant I was overwhelmed by intimacy and so I pushed and forced my way through the time of being close to someone. But as soon as I'd be alone, I'd breathe.

If you man's behavior is in any way like mine in the past, he has some serious relationship deficits. And honestly, you do NOT want to avoid thinking that he might be cheating on you. It's not cutting losses to move on. It's realizing that past a certain point, he couldn't be the partner you wanted. You can take the good from the relationship and move on. 

Letting go of someone you really love? Lots of abused spouses "love" their violent abusing partners. So what?! They need to get out of the relationship. You will not be fulfilled with this guy. That love declines when you let go and move on and find a better partner. Stay with a partner who is positively awful, and you reinforce that feeling of love. Love is not some kind of deep permanent truth. It's only a feeling and emotion and lots of us are wired to feel deeply in love with people who are not good for us. The key is to not feed love that is not healthy. Staying in relationship is feeding. 

Love is not enough. Love is never enough. Great writings with both of those titles. 

Edited January 10 by Lotsgoingon

[Gaeta]

He has a pattern and it looks like it's repeating itself. If living with someone all of a sudden scares him, are you open to another type of living arangement? 

I know a couple that each have their house 1.5 hr apart. They rotate and spend a week at each other's house. It's practical they both can work from home the week they're away.

I know another couple with children from past spouses, they bought a duplex so they each have their home side by side.

If none of this is an option l want to tell you that 46 is young!! I am 59, l fell madly in love at 50, and fell in love again at 57! There is no age to find love and it's amazing no matter our age! 

[MsJayne]

He's perfectly happy, because everything's his way. He's settled in comfortably and doesn't see a need to put in much effort because you're no longer a prospect, you're now a customer, and the service and attention disappears unless there's a warranty issue. Being taken for granted is definitely a warranty issue, so bring it up. Make a stand and refuse to drive to his place more than twice a month, and see how that pans out. Maybe date other people as well, because you're not ready to end it yet, but you will be sooner or later when you get sick of pandering to his lack of investment. 

[Gaeta]

I don't think going straight to dating other men is a good idea. This is a 2 year relationship, not 2 months. She is in love, she has attached a lot of hope and dreams in this man. If there is no resolution she needs to break up, mourn the relationship, let go of the past, then go back to dating.

OP,  you know what you have to do, you're here to talk it out and confirm it to yourself. Just the fact you broke up twice in 2 years is enough to confirm this is not working. 

[BaileyB]

We were about your age when I met my now husband. It was not easy, working and maintaining a house, and he was raising a son. It was exhausting - going back and forth between homes. We did it for three years before he asked me to move in. He says now, it was either that or we separated. He later asked me to marry him - it was always him who was pushing the relationship forward. That said, it felt like we took our time and we were not together as much as we would have liked because of his son. 

He has a friend who is the same age as your boyfriend - he is very content to live in his own home, he visits with his lady friend one or two weekends a month. They meet for dinner once a week. And they travel together once or twice a year. My partner says, it works for him but it would not be for me. She is not happy with the schedule (as we understand it - she has asked for more), but she is resigned. 

On the other hand, my Dad was his age when he started a new relationship after my mom’s passing. He literally couldn’t move her into the house fast enough…

Edited January 10 by BaileyB

[Miss Chrysalis]

18 hours ago, Be Okay said:

Thanks for the response, basil67. Yes, I've heard of people having relationships similar to this. I understand that it works for some, however this is not what I want. I know what I need to do, but it just hurts thinking about breaking up with someone I'm in love with. 

Aww, this is sad :(.  It really does just sound like you've discovered you're not compatible long term.  I would welcome the level of contact he's providing, but I'm kindof a weirdo like that! Most humans do require more time together with their beloved! 

Big hugs...this has to be hard.   

[smackie9]

14 hours ago, Be Okay said:

Hi Smackie9 — I have communicated all of this to him, several times. I’ve even left him twice when nothing changed. He has a way of reeling me back in convincing me that things will change, but long-term they never do. 

Then you leave for good. You have done everything you could possible. He's not willing to change so what are you sticking around for? 

[Be Okay]

14 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I used to be one of those guys who needed to take breathers. That only meant I was overwhelmed by intimacy and so I pushed and forced my way through the time of being close to someone. But as soon as I'd be alone, I'd breathe.

If you man's behavior is in any way like mine in the past, he has some serious relationship deficits. And honestly, you do NOT want to avoid thinking that he might be cheating on you. It's not cutting losses to move on. It's realizing that past a certain point, he couldn't be the partner you wanted. You can take the good from the relationship and move on. 

Letting go of someone you really love? Lots of abused spouses "love" their violent abusing partners. So what?! They need to get out of the relationship. You will not be fulfilled with this guy. That love declines when you let go and move on and find a better partner. Stay with a partner who is positively awful, and you reinforce that feeling of love. Love is not some kind of deep permanent truth. It's only a feeling and emotion and lots of us are wired to feel deeply in love with people who are not good for us. The key is to not feed love that is not healthy. Staying in relationship is feeding. 

Love is not enough. Love is never enough. Great writings with both of those titles. 

Thanks for sharing your experience. If you don't mind sharing, what overwhelmed you in regards to intimacy? I'm very confused right now because my BF was very physically close to me over the holidays. Not just in a sexual way, but just incredibly affectionate in general. I was at his house on/off for 10 days straight (which has never happened before). I really thought we were having some sort of a breakthrough, but now we're going on 10 days of not seeing each other and he's sick, so likely won't see him over the weekend and definitely not during the week next week (because that's not his jam). This is a perfect example of how 2-3 weeks can conveniently go by without seeing each other.

It's crossed my mind that he could be cheating. He could easily have another life based on the amount of time we don't spend together. I'd really like to believe this isn't the case, he certainly doesn't seem like the type to do this, but you just never know. I don't even know how to go about fact checking something like this, or if I should. 

I understand your point about letting go of people you really love. I was in an absolute awful marriage several years back, would make excuses for his bad behavior because I "loved him." It eventually got so bad that I ended up leaving. Best decision I ever made, should have made it much earlier. In some ways, I'm finding myself making excuses for my current BF. 

I'll check out writings on both topics you mentioned, thanks for the suggestions.