Dating an Older Man for 2 Years, Not Sure Where It's Heading

[Be Okay]

22 hours ago, S2B said:

The sheer fact that you have dated him without any solid indication of where the relationship is headed is baffling.

that alone should tell you he likes the status quo.

most people in your age range would know exactly where they stand in any relationship after 6-12 months.

if you have to wonder after that time frame - it’s better to end it and not waste your time and energy making more effort for no future.

the wondering alone is enough to end it.

he seems like a non committing type… he likes that you haven’t demanded more from him. I believe he will always be low effort in any union. Some guys are like that. Let him find a gal that expects NOTHING from him.  

Everything you've written is so, so true. This is my lesson moving forward. We did talk about our future early on, he'd tell me about all the things he wanted with me. But, they were never followed up with any concrete plans. I think this is called "future faking?" 

[Be Okay]

20 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

No, you don't delay a breakup because an evasive, distant, cold, half-communicative partner TELLS you that he has been sick. Guess what? Guys who are out of touch always come up with "reasons." I had to work late at work. There was a last minute project that my boss wanted me to finish. I haven't been feeling well. All of that is b.s.--and often a cover for being out with another person  or a cover for disinterest.

It's not your job to take care of him physically if the relationship is not real and not working for you.  You are frankly NOT in a serious, committed, highly giving relationship. You were just in denial of that truth. You are NOT in a relationship where you want to stop your day and your living to attend to someone else. 

åThere is no good time for a breakup. NEVER! Oh, we're coming up on Christmas. Oh, it's his birthday. Oh, we had a vacation planned. Doesn't matter. When you withhold that you want out of a relationship, you are thereby faking it, faking interest, faking closeness.

And with this guy. Frankly, I don't know that you need to "tell" him anything. Just don't call him. He has not earned the right to be carefully told of a breakup. That's something a person earns! 

 

Looking back, there have been a lot of "reasons" as to why we couldn't spend time together. In the last year, I've actually uncovered a pattern with him. He'll be super sweet, loving, calls/texts a lot, complimentary, etc. (almost too much). This comes a day or two ahead of him being "busy" for an extended period of time. I've brought this to his attention and he thinks it's absolutely unproven. 

You're correct in saying that there's never a good time for a breakup. There was an extended period of time between Thanksgiving and Christmas where he was sick (shocker!) and needed a weekend to himself. 3 weeks ended up going by after Thanksgiving where we didn't see each other. I so badly wanted to end things before Christmas, but there were a few friends/family get-togethers that we had committed to together. He was also coming to my immediate family's Christmas gathering and I knew my family had bought him gifts. It just put me in such a tough position -- I didn't want to answer a million questions and/or be emotional around others at Christmas. Now that the holidays are over, I feel like this is actually a good time to breakup. I certainly don't want to go through the feeling of him acting half-assed for Valentine's Day. I'd just be setting myself up for disappointment. 

[Be Okay]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

How did the breakup go OP?

Well, I'd say that I'm kind of in the middle of it?? Sent him a text last night saying that I hoped he was feeling better and that when he's feeling better, I'd like to stop by this week to pick up my things and talk about where we're at in the relationship. His response really didn't address anything. He literally said, "Thanks for the compassion and love, I just want to feel better, and all I know is that I love you...Sweet dreams." The response bothered me because in no way did I feel like I was giving him love or compassion, and he didn't address a time/date we could meet next week. He's either really dense and has no idea that I'm coming over to breakup, or he's buying time/coming to terms with it all. 

[ShyViolet]

7 minutes ago, Be Okay said:

 Sent him a text last night saying that I hoped he was feeling better and that when he's feeling better, I'd like to stop by this week to pick up my things and talk about where we're at in the relationship. His response really didn't address anything. He literally said, "Thanks for the compassion and love, I just want to feel better, and all I know is that I love you...Sweet dreams." 

Don't let him manipulate you into staying together as you said has happened in the past.  From your text it is pretty obvious that you want to break up... you said you want to pick up your things.  He completely ignored what you said and gave a response that pretended everything is fine.

Just remember, breaking up with someone is the ONE thing you can do in a relationship that you don't need the other person's consent for.  You let him know it's over, you pick up your things, make it short and sweet, don't drag it out, and leave.

[Be Okay]

Here's an update as to where I'm currently at...

Sent him a text last night telling him that I hope he's feeling better and when he's feeling better, I'd like to stop by this week to pick up my things and talk about where we're at in the relationship. He responded with, "Thanks for the love and compassion, I just want to feel better, all I know is that I love you...Sweet dreams." This bothered me because I didn't at all feel like I was giving him love or compassion and he didn't at all address a date/time for me to stop by. I get that he's feeling ill and may not know exactly when we can meet, but I wish he could've at least acknowledged this. I'm not sure if he's honestly oblivious to the fact that I want to break up, or if he's just buying some time to process everything.

This is not going to be a popular choice, but I know that I definitely want to break up with him in person, I do need to see him one last time. I know a lot of you believe that I'm not the only woman in his life and/or that he doesn't deserve a proper breakup because he doesn't truly love me. I believe that all of these things could very well be true. However, I did fall in love with him, have spent the last 2 years of my life in a committed relationship with him and I just simply want to see him one last time knowing that I broke up with him in the most proper, peaceful and loving way possible. I realize that he's probably not deserving of this, he may actually agree with and welcome the breakup, could call me out on how I contributed to the demise of the relationship, etc.-- but I'm okay with it all. I have made a final decision and he won't be able to tell me that he'll change, do better, make it up to me, or whatever else he can come up with.

I'm just not sure how to handle his silence right now. I know it's only been a day, Mondays are crazy busy for most people and I do believe that he'll want to be in the best possible state health-wise while heading into an in-person relationship conversation (I know I would want to be). However, I do not want this to spill into the weekend. I'd like to get this taken care of during the week and it's just feeling like a huge anchor right now -- I want to get it over with. I will want and need the weekend to process everything and take some time alone to grieve -- it's just harder to handle a fresh break-up without some alone time to process it, and I really don't want to take time off of work to handle my emotions. Yes, I am a highly emotional person.

How can I move this along?  

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, Be Okay said:

I'm just not sure how to handle his silence right now. I know it's only been a day, Mondays are crazy busy for most people and I do believe that he'll want to be in the best possible state health-wise while heading into an in-person relationship conversation (I know I would want to be). However, I do not want this to spill into the weekend. I'd like to get this taken care of during the week and it's just feeling like a huge anchor right now -- I want to get it over with. I will want and need the weekend to process everything and take some time alone to grieve -- it's just harder to handle a fresh break-up without some alone time to process it, and I really don't want to take time off of work to handle my emotions. Yes, I am a highly emotional person.

How can I move this along?  

What a sneaky bastard!  Deliberately ignoring your need to come and get your things.   The arrogance of this man!  Sounds very much like he's going to avoid setting a time to see you. 

Given his lack of cooperation, I'd take advantage of the fact he's (allegedly) sick at home and turn up on his doorstep.   It's entirely possible his illness is a lie and he's got another woman with him, but better to know about it and blow it all up than to wait for him eventually be ready in his own good time

Edited January 13 by basil67

[Lotsgoingon]

He's feeing you bread crumbs.

For your next relationship, people do NOT necessarily require time alone when they are sick. 

In fact, one reason to have a great partner is that you have someone who comes and takes tender care of you when you're sick. If there is a contagious bug, OK, keep your distance if you want (lots of people want to caretake the other even under those conditions). 

It was totally a red flag when I got sick and claimed space for myself. Heck, being sick is when you have carte blanche to tell your partner to bring food, serve you food, get you fluids, give you a head run, whatever. Next time understand "space" when sick is a red flag. He could have invited you over. 

[Gaeta]

I understand your need to do this face to face, so get in your car, go there, knock at the door, and do what you have to do! 

Why you let him run the show!

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Be Okay said:

Sent him a text last night telling him that I hope he's feeling better and when he's feeling better, I'd like to stop by this week to pick up my things and talk about where we're at in the relationship. He responded with, "Thanks for the love and compassion, I just want to feel better, all I know is that I love you...Sweet dreams."

I agree with basil, he is trying to avoid the conversation and I would not allow that. I would stop by to drop off some chicken soup, pickup my things, and have the conversation. 

For what it’s worth, I agree with your decision to have the conversation. I would not feel good about ending the relationship without having a discussion with the man I have been dating. 

[ShyViolet]

This idea that you need to wait until he's "better" is not a good plan.  What if he's not better for a long time?  What if he's sick for the next month?  You can't hinge the breakup on that.  This is ridiculous.  You need to get this over with.

I don't see why it can't be a phone call.  And then you come pick up your stuff afterwards.

[Foxhall]

On 1/13/2025 at 8:47 PM, Be Okay said:

Thanks for sharing your personal experience, Foxhall. What were the reasons for not prioritizing her, if I may ask? Was it always this way, even from the beginning? Do you regret not prioritizing her more? Was she asking for more? If so, what were your reasons for not giving her what she needed?

Sorry for all the questions. I'm just trying to get in my BF's head space. 

A few of them came up on this thread actually,

• I needed a breather and preferred being alone- some of the time not all of the time- a part time basis suited me similar to your guy.
• the return of a former love interest - things between us were good up to that point- was the returning woman my true love entered my mind.
• I had a few doubts- "Did she really want me in her life" when it suited her she did but there were times I felt she kept me at a distance also- it was not always me in the wrong
• She wanted me to change my life completely- move to her town and effectively start a new life with her. I had hesitation about leaving my normal life behind. I wanted a part- time basis. If I really loved her I night have made the move but ultimately I did not love her enough and also I was not convinced that she really wanted me either as I alluded above.
• I did a lot to help her out particularly in the early years of the relationship and felt those actions were quickly forgotten.
• she had an accident in her house- I was two hours away and she had to phone a neighbour- that was the key moment for her- "she could not rely on me"
• I began to lose sexual interest- I still valued her as a companion but stopped initiating any romantic encounters. I did look elsewhere for sex but wanted to still have her as companion. This was the the final few months but in hindsight there was no love or closeness between us in the final six months. We were just going through the motions for the sake of it.
• We disagreed strongly on a dog- she believed in imprisoning the dog which went against everything I believe in

those were the factors- someone said to me in the majority of break-ups it is a two way factor- I felt on balance the comment in this thread " I was not prioritising her" that pretty much summed up my own break-up but I think that comment " it is never entirely one persons fault either" has merit.

Clearly there was a lot wrong with our relationship- but I do miss her now or is it the outlet I miss- no I do feel a sense of sadness - she was a good person  and I may struggle to meet someone as good.

Anyway I have discussed this on a previous thread so I dont want to hijack this thread- but I am happy to provide these answers in response to your question and as you can see I am still processing a lot ,so these splits are never easy.

Good luck with whatever you decide

 

Edited January 15 by Foxhall

[Be Okay]

4 hours ago, Foxhall said:

A few of them came up on this thread actually,

• I needed a breather and preferred being alone- some of the time not all of the time- a part time basis suited me similar to your guy.
• the return of a former love interest - things between us were good up to that point- was the returning woman my true love entered my mind.
• I had a few doubts- "Did she really want me in her life" when it suited her she did but there were times I felt she kept me at a distance also- it was not always me in the wrong
• She wanted me to change my life completely- move to her town and effectively start a new life with her. I had hesitation about leaving my normal life behind. I wanted a part- time basis. If I really loved her I night have made the move but ultimately I did not love her enough and also I was not convinced that she really wanted me either as I alluded above.
• I did a lot to help her out particularly in the early years of the relationship and felt those actions were quickly forgotten.
• she had an accident in her house- I was two hours away and she had to phone a neighbour- that was the key moment for her- "she could not rely on me"
• I began to lose sexual interest- I still valued her as a companion but stopped initiating any romantic encounters. I did look elsewhere for sex but wanted to still have her as companion. This was the the final few months but in hindsight there was no love or closeness between us in the final six months. We were just going through the motions for the sake of it.
• We disagreed strongly on a dog- she believed in imprisoning the dog which went against everything I believe in

those were the factors- someone said to me in the majority of break-ups it is a two way factor- I felt on balance the comment in this thread " I was not prioritising her" that pretty much summed up my own break-up but I think that comment " it is never entirely one persons fault either" has merit.

Clearly there was a lot wrong with our relationship- but I do miss her now or is it the outlet I miss- no I do feel a sense of sadness - she was a good person  and I may struggle to meet someone as good.

Anyway I have discussed this on a previous thread so I dont want to hijack this thread- but I am happy to provide these answers in response to your question and as you can see I am still processing a lot ,so these splits are never easy.

Good luck with whatever you decide

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my questions, I appreciate it a LOT. Everyone's situation is different, but it's certainly worthwhile seeing the perspective of others in a similar situation. I don't feel like you hijacked my thread at all, especially since I invited you to elaborate. After I work through my mess, I look forward to digging a little deeper into everyone else's topics, issues, points of view on other threads, etc.

I'm not sure how far removed you are from your situation, but I do hope you're doing okay. Breakups are really hard! Even if they seem like the most logical choice to make.  

[Be Okay]

Last night, I texted my BF telling him which day I'd be stopping by to pick up my things (this coming Thursday). Told him that it would be ideal if he could be there, but understood if he already had plans. Turns out that he is not available that day/evening, he tried suggesting tomorrow -- which won't work for me as I already have plans. He sent me a text this evening that would normally reel me back in. It made me cry, a lot. I've been feeling so sad all night. It's all of the same things that he normally says -- how much he loves me, still wants me, has never lost the spark for me, his heart will always belong to me, how he'll always long for me, how he plans to stay true to me/us??, so sorry he's let me down, never wanted to not meet my expectations or ever disappoint me, he's not sure how to express how he's feeling right now. 

He's telling me that he'll text me tomorrow on where to find my Christmas present (he exchanged a coat for a different size) and where to find my condo key and other belongings. What does this even mean? I have the code to his house, just leave everything in the entry way and we'll both move on.  Or leave everything outside. What's up with the incoming instruction manual?

At any rate, I'll be heading there on Thursday, he won't be there (which is probably a blessing in disguise -- less emotional/physical involvement, which is usually what gets me every time). There will be nothing left keeping us tied together. My heart is crushed in a million pieces knowing that he's basically accepting the breakup, but at least I can move on now. I've never taken things this far in terms of a breakup with him. 

I just want to thank everyone for taking the time out of their day the last several days to keep this thread going with your consistent feedback. I don't think I could've done this without you. You've opened my eyes to all the deficiencies in our relationship that I've either been ignoring or just simply accepting. It's going to be hard getting over this, but everything will be okay in time and I've learned a few lessons along the way. I look forward to moving on from my situation and getting involved in other people's threads when it feels appropriate for me to contribute to the conversation. It's been such a God-send having a resource like this and I wish more people knew about this forum. 

Peace out, Everyone...💖

[basil67]

Glad to read you being so strong.   And it's interesting that he's not stuck at home in the throes of illness...

Him letting you go without argument is a double edged sword.  On one side, I'm sure it would hurt that he doesn't even want to try and fix things, but on the other, you won't have to deal with drama or false promises. 

Wishing you the best.  

[Foxhall]

3 hours ago, Be Okay said:

Breakups are really hard!

Just finally I will share the experience of the final break-up moment,

Our relationship was struggling a few weeks previously, she sent me a text message that she felt we should end,

my immediate reaction was wow after five years together, sharing a dog, living together for a significant part of the time, that it was all going to end on a text message!!

I was pretty horrified at that so I argued for at least a conversation in person,  

I notice most of the posters here advising on the coldness of the break-up no contact and all that so I dont know, that strikes me as too cruel -your relationship was a shorter one than mine maybe, but on balance I think it deserves a face to face. Then if he does not want that is different I suppose)

so three weeks afterwards she agreed to meet.  Would it have been better if we had of broken by text,

I felt very aggrieved on the break-up day, I felt hard done by rightly or wrongly.

I let her have it being honest- I wanted to hurt her,

I told her she had ruined the chances with my previous true love and I outlined strongly my concerns about the treatment of the dog,

Do I regret that- I regret saying about the other woman I dont about the dog.

The way our conversation went that day it ruined any chance of a future reconciliation,

some of those things in hindsight should have been said earlier - it was good perhaps that everything came out in the end but maybe the break- up moment was the wrong time.

Anyway just thought it might be useful for you to hear the break- up moment or my thought process at that time.

 

two things I learned from my relationship and from this thread actually!-

In future I have to prioritise any future partner

and from my relationship- communication and discussing things is important not bottling things up or being hesitant to say them.

 

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, Be Okay said:

how much he loves me, still wants me, has never lost the spark for me, his heart will always belong to me, how he'll always long for me, how he plans to stay true to me/us??, so sorry he's let me down, never wanted to not meet my expectations or ever disappoint me, he's not sure how to express how he's feeling right now. 

Be Okay: This is a lot of wind. To me he sounds A LOT like a player. 

Please rest assured you are making the best decision! You will not regret this. 

We will continue being your support. The pain will pass and you will be happy again. 

[Els]

Glad to hear you're breaking up with him, OP! It will be hard at the start, it always is, but it'll get better, I promise. And you'll realize it's all worth it when you meet a person who actually cares about you and who will put in the effort for you.

[ShyViolet]

20 hours ago, Be Okay said:

He sent me a text this evening that would normally reel me back in. It made me cry, a lot. I've been feeling so sad all night. It's all of the same things that he normally says -- how much he loves me, still wants me, has never lost the spark for me, his heart will always belong to me, how he'll always long for me, how he plans to stay true to me/us??, so sorry he's let me down, never wanted to not meet my expectations or ever disappoint me, he's not sure how to express how he's feeling right now. 

Manipulative, manipulative, manipulative.  That's all I think when I read this.  He's full of a lot of words to try and reel you back in, but they were never backed up with actions.  Don't fall for his attempt to manipulate you once again.  You are so doing the right thing.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Manipulative, manipulative, manipulative.  That's all I think when I read this.  He's full of a lot of words to try and reel you back in, but they were never backed up with actions.  Don't fall for his attempt to manipulate you once again.  You are so doing the right thing.

My thoughts exactly.   He's full of s***