asked a girl if she was available on Saturdays or Sundays to go out for coffee: is her response a sign of disinterest?/rant

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, tazz4 said:

I honestly find it really obnoxious when women play mind games with me. this is part of the reason I get bitter. like why reach out to me in the first place? Just say you're not interested or changed your mind. assuming she just wants attention like a lot of women do online...

So block her

[Georgia46]

Sadly there are lots of people, both on and offline who like to play games

.  It’s because they aren’t happy in their own lives.   

[Foxhall]

All you can do is your best and learn from what you did wrong or learn from previous inadequacies as you go along,

everyone gets a few chances- every dog has his day,

Personally Ive had a few chances with love and blown them but I still think Ill get a few more,

your describing there about a girl not texting you back- im probably having a similar scenario just now of someone I had a decent date with a week ago and has not replied to me since,

the difference is I am more ambivalent to it now, I dont care if she texts me back or does not, if she does I think I can make headway , if not no hassle it was nice to meet her once or twice,

get yourself in the mix and enjoy small victories, dont put excess pressure on yourself - there are times when you need to be brave but for the time being I would not force things.

 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, tazz4 said:

and those men make various salaries?

Obviously, like everyone else. What does this have to do with anything? 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, tazz4 said:

I honestly find it really obnoxious when women play mind games with me. this is part of the reason I get bitter.

Nobody is playing mind games with you. Women have the right to change their mind about liking or disliking you or any other guy at any time. You continue to hold the false view that women owe you something.

I could have understood bitterness if your wife of 30 years suddenly leaves you out of nowhere for another guy or something like that. But to be bitter at women and life because some stranger online isn’t communicating clearly for whatever reason is pure madness.

You have issues with envy, rage, bitterness, and other negative emotions that are ruining your life. You need professional help. If your therapist isn’t telling you at least what we’re telling you here, you should find a better therapist.

[tazz4]

18 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Obviously, like everyone else. What does this have to do with anything? 

because I feel like if a less than conventionally attractive or below average guy is with a girl who is at least somewhat conventionally attractive makes good money to make up for lack of physical appearance.

I didn't exactly ask that question clearly lol my bad

Edited January 11 by tazz4

[tazz4]

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Nobody is playing mind games with you. Women have the right to change their mind about liking or disliking you or any other guy at any time. You continue to hold the false view that women owe you something.

I could have understood bitterness if your wife of 30 years suddenly leaves you out of nowhere for another guy or something like that. But to be bitter at women and life because some stranger online isn’t communicating clearly for whatever reason is pure madness.

You have issues with envy, rage, bitterness, and other negative emotions that are ruining your life. You need professional help. If your therapist isn’t telling you at least what we’re telling you here, you should find a better therapist.

I'm not saying they owe me something I'm saying she should say she isn't interested at the time instead of beating around the bush. I'd rather her just ghost me at that point. She answers my other questions but doesn't say anything about me trying to plan a date.  But yea, you're right about the online stranger thing I guess. I'm over it. I barely knnow anything about her. I guess I overreacted. I feel like I only get chances once in a blue moon. I don't know if my luck with dating is a reflection of my luck trying to get a date offline.

My therapist is saying similar things to what you guys are saying to some extent. I just don't know when it will resonate with me. That's my problem I guess.

Edited January 11 by tazz4

[Gebidozo]

35 minutes ago, tazz4 said:

because I feel like if a less than conventionally attractive or below average guy is with a girl who is at least somewhat conventionally attractive makes good money to make up for lack of physical appearance.

Well, I’m an average looking guy and my fiancée is gorgeous. She earns about the same as I do and doesn’t need a man to provide for her. If you ask her whether my money makes up for my lack of physical appearance, she wouldn’t even understand the question. Both physical appearance and money are lower on her list of preferences than personality, spiritual values, intelligence, talent, and so on.

Money makes up for lack of physical appearance only to those who value money and physical appearance above other traits. But are you even sure that you want to date such women? I wouldn’t.

 

 

[tazz4]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, I’m an average looking guy and my fiancée is gorgeous. She earns about the same as I do and doesn’t need a man to provide for her. If you ask her whether my money makes up for my lack of physical appearance, she wouldn’t even understand the question. Both physical appearance and money are lower on her list of preferences than personality, spiritual values, intelligence, talent, and so on.

Money makes up for lack of physical appearance only to those who value money and physical appearance above other traits. But are you even sure that you want to date such women? I wouldn’t.

 

 

There are always rare exceptions. And no I don't want to date someone who only cared about looks and money and nothing else.

[basil67]

xxx

Edited January 11 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, tazz4 said:

There are always rare exceptions

But these aren’t exceptions. I know a lot of men who aren’t conventionally handsome but who have beautiful girlfriends and wives. I also know couples where the man is more conventionally attractive than the woman. So what? As long as they are happy, what’s the problem? Why do you care so much who chooses to be with whom and for what reasons?

 

5 hours ago, tazz4 said:

And no I don't want to date someone who only cared about looks and money and nothing else.

Then why are you so envious of those tall, rich, muscular guys who get hundreds of likes? Obviously, they are getting most of those likes from women who mostly care about looks and money. If that isn’t the type of women that you want to date, why do you care whom they date? 

[zuzu420]

Been texting this girl who I matched with on an app. I'm 33 and she's 41. She asked me if I lived alone and was honest and told her that I'm living with parents at the moment and am paying for college which is true. Did I mess up by telling her this too soon? I hate revealing this stuff right away. The honest truth is that I never actually moved out and only lived away from them in college.

This has been my biggest insecurity and I've honestly unmatched women from apps in the past in fear of judgment. Should I not be dating until I move out? Need honest feedback.

[ShyViolet]

Well what's the alternative, to lie?  I sincerely hope you are not considering lying about your living situation to potential dating partners.  Misrepresenting yourself and lying to dating partners is not OK.  If someone directly asks you who you live with, all you can do is answer it honestly.

And yes, at this age it is going to scare a lot of people away.   So it would be in your best interests to start working on getting your own place asap.

[zuzu420]

Just now, ShyViolet said:

Well what's the alternative, to lie?  I sincerely hope you are not considering lying about your living situation to potential dating partners.  Misrepresenting yourself and lying to dating partners is not OK.  If someone directly asks you who you live with, all you can do is answer it honestly.

And yes, at this age it is going to scare a lot of people away.   So it would be in your best interests to start working on getting your own place asap.

I figured. I'm pursuing a masters right now but the salaries tend to vary. All I have is years of entry level experience. My biggest fear is not being able to afford to live alone until my 40s and that I'm going to have to be lonely and miserable until then.

[ShyViolet]

So then get a roommate.  There's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't carry the stigma that living with one's parents in your 30s does.

[zuzu420]

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

So then get a roommate.  There's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't carry the stigma that living with one's parents in your 30s does.

I would be living check to check with the salary I have now unfortunately and would probably need to drop out of the program.

[ShyViolet]

Well I think finishing school is more important than dating, so don't drop out of school just because of this.

My main point is, whatever you do, it's not ok to lie to dating partners about basic facts about yourself such as your living situation.  So I hope you're not considering doing that.  If the fact that you still live with your parents greatly shrinks your dating pool, then so be it.

[zuzu420]

I need success stories. Are there guys here living in the United States who still live at home with their parents and are in their 30s? Foe various reasons I still live with them. I work but it doesn't make me enough money to live on my own while paying for school.

[zuzu420]

6 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Well I think finishing school is more important than dating, so don't drop out of school just because of this.

My main point is, whatever you do, it's not ok to lie to dating partners about basic facts about yourself such as your living situation.  So I hope you're not considering doing that.  If the fact that you still live with your parents greatly shrinks your dating pool, then so be it.

By the way I didn't intend on lying to her. I just feel like maybe my chances would be greater if she got to know me in person after a few dates and didn't ask right away (not that she asked a bad question). I've never had a girlfriend because everything ruins my confidence including this. I've even unmatched some women on dating apps in the past because I was too afraid of judgement. It kills me that I didn't even try. Maybe I would have had a happy romantic life if I took a shot.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, zuzu420 said:

I just feel like maybe my chances would be greater if she got to know me in person after a few dates and didn't ask right away

It's pointless to ruminate about this, because you obviously can't control what others will ask you, or when. 

She asked a question and you answered honestly. I don't get what other reasonable option you think you had there. Lie? Pretend she didn't ask and not answer? 

[basil67]

It's hard to comment without knowing the cost of living where you are, and the cost of tertiary education.  Or what your first degree qualified you for.     But how can you  justify spending the money on a masters degree if your income is so low that you'd be living check to check if you moved out?   

But yeah, I can see why it's causing you problems dating.  I really think you need to look at your life choices

[zuzu420]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's hard to comment without knowing the cost of living where you are, and the cost of tertiary education.  Or what your first degree qualified you for.     But how can you  justify spending the money on a masters degree if your income is so low that you'd be living check to check if you moved out?   

But yeah, I can see why it's causing you problems dating.  I really think you need to look at your life choices

because I'm hoping that getting a masters degree will allow me to have better opportunities to get a better job. it's either I pay rent and live check to check without having money to enjoy my life or get a better job. I masters program will allow me to get field work to get more job experience. all I have is years of entry level experience with no way to move up other than at my current job which may not make enough for any position I'm eligible for. does that make sense?

[zuzu420]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's hard to comment without knowing the cost of living where you are, and the cost of tertiary education.  Or what your first degree qualified you for.     But how can you  justify spending the money on a masters degree if your income is so low that you'd be living check to check if you moved out?   

But yeah, I can see why it's causing you problems dating.  I really think you need to look at your life choices

I live in New York city which is expensive. I also have multiple mental health disorders which weren't properly diagnosed until recently. worried I might be stuck living with my parents until I'm 50. I can't get a better job without eligible experience and I can't get  eligible experience if they won't hire me in the first place so I've been stuck in that cycle. it doesn't make sense. it also took me extra years to graduate because I kept getting low grades in certain classes and became depressed . I have a physical activity and wellness degree.

[BaileyB]

Finishing school is important. That should be your priority.

Be honest with the women you date. Tell them you are living at home because you are going to school to better your education right now. And tell them that you have a plan to move out when you graduate and find employment.

 

[Sony12]

School is definitely more important than dating. I would honestly change who you are trying to date. A woman in her 20's would probably be more understanding of your situation than a woman in her 40's would be. A lot of 20 something year olds are probably living with their parents in New York City.