Should I let her go ?

January 9, 2006

Hi All,

Been reading your forum for some time because of my own situation.

But I never registered. Before now.

I have found it a great place with a lot of very understanding people.

Some with similar problems and than still not. And some with problems that are so much bigger than mine.

I write both to get my own thought down on paper but also to maybe get some useful insight from some of you.

I been trying to keep it short. But its not easy when you want people to understand the background for your situation, your thoughts and who me and my wife are.

I am 32 and my wife 30 (no children yet)

We been together now for 3 ½ year. 1 ½ of it as a married couple.

The first ½ year we only saw each other, 1 week a month.

She lived in Hungary and I Belgium.

After the first ½ year she moved to Belgium.

Biggest Problem.

After a month, we started having sexual problem.

She got some infections inside her Vagina and that limited us in our sexual activities.

It almost took 1 year to finally get it out of the way.

During that period the sexual activity was down to maybe once every 2 weeks to once a month.

During this 1 year she stayed home studying Dutch and I worked. During our spare time we always were together.

After we got the sexual problem out of the way. The sex still didn’t get up to speed. Which is my fault. My sexual lust just wasn’t there. Maybe it never was.

Maybe it had gotten very low before I even meet her.

(I moved to Belgium and lived here alone there for 4 years. Before meeting her on a business trip. With almost no sex for those 4 years.)

I knew my lack of lust was a problem and in the beginning I tried to fake the sexual lust. (or just kind of be there for her) So that I could satisfy some of her lust. But she felt the “lack of passion”. And that never became good sex. Neither for me or her. So I stopped it again.

When we now occasionally have sex (maybe 1 once a month) where I do get the lust. Its great.

But the rest of the month I find myself trying to find excuses not to have sex. Too late to bed. Too tired.. yes I get a lot of headache

I told her that I just don’t have the lust and I don’t know why.

(between you and me I am not even sure if it will ever change)

I been trying to find out why I don’t have the interest for a long time. Without an answer.

I know I love my wife. And she is a very attractive woman.

She was a beauty queen on her colleague. She does a lot to keep herself beautiful and in shape.

I think the only reason why she is still surviving the lack of sex. Is that even though there isn’t a sexual lust, I am still very physical.

I give her a lot of kisses. Hugs her a lot, Caresses her a lot. And I like that a lot and so does she. It makes her relaxed she says.

(A thought of mine. Maybe I get my physical needs filled by being so touching, kissing, caressing etc every day. I tried to stop it a bit but that has a very negative effect on her and I miss it)

She isn’t happy, which makes me unhappy as well.

This comes from a few things. The lack of sex obviously.

She has been living in Belgium for 3 years now and have not managed to find any real friends and my friends (girlfriends have not befriended her)

She has only 2 people that she can call acquaintances. So she feels lonely.

I am not the biggest of talkers either. I listen a lot and do talk but I feel I cannot fill her needs.

I am a very relaxed person who adapts easily. I live life 1 day after the other mostly.

Where she is more the carrier minded, need to do useful stuff all the time, study, work, look forward etc kind of person.

She has a job now for 1 1/2 year. Its ½ time but she isn’t really happy about it. She wants her own company. But she isn’t going for it because she waits for me to kind of pull her.

I have tried but it comes out wrongly and we get a fight. I don’t burn for an own company but she does.

When we get our fights, she is a lot better in augmenting and twisting words so it becomes very frustrating for me. So during a fight I become silent otherwise it becomes a real screamer session which leads to nowhere.

Some of the things she says during a fight and mentions when we are calmed down.

1) You don’t need anyone except yourself.

(Yes, I can always get my own time filled and at times look forward to her going to fitness so I can be alone. And not feeling guilty about enjoying time alone. But I also love being with her. But I just need more time alone then she does)

2) You cannot imagine how frustrated I am because of no sex.

(No I cannot imagine, but I do know it’s a very big problem.)

3) I feel I haven’t lived my life.

(She always studied very hard never giving herself a lot of time to live life in her spare time. Spare time is to study in she says. Same was when she got her first job. And than she moved to Belgium. Following this principle)

((I am opposite living for my spare time, just do things that are fun without being useful. I also did alot of traveling 1/2 a year around south east asia etc.)

4) If we would be living in Hungary, I would have left you long time ago married or not.

( no comment.)

5) I been telling you so many time to change. And I will just leave 1 day.

(She refers to that she feels that she has to initiate most stuff to get it done. And she is right. She is the more active, change things person than I. So before I get the need for things to change or something, its been irritating her for a long time already.)

Not to put myself in too much of a bad light.

I do help a lot in the house hold. I usually always do the washing up. I vacuum clean

Yes sometimes she asks if it isn’t time.

When the big cleaning comes I always help here as well. Ok, yes she usually says its time and not me.

I help cooking or I stay in the kitchen while she is cooking. Ready to help or just talking.

I have never hit her. I rarely drink and even more rarely get drunk. I don’t take drugs.

OK.. I Will stop now.

What is the point of this long text. ???

What is the question???

I have been thinking for a long time to let her go.

Before she gets too old to find someone who fits her better. I love her!! I really love her. Please don’t doubt that.

But I feel I am not the person who can make her happy in the long run. And the path we are on now will lead to break up anyway. Just from her side instead.

So I rather break up before it gets ugly.

I will be devastated. I will get a big down tour.

But I believe I will get up and live alone content. Maybe find someone but that’s not really something that is important.

She would either go back to Hungary, or move to another apartment and start a new life.