Too mad at friend for cheating

[Gebidozo]

I have this colleague whom I’ve known for almost 20 years. We work well together and I can say that we are friends, not very close but definitely care for each other. He’s been married for 15 years.

He’s been repeatedly, chronically cheating on his wife. We did talk about that several years ago, he basically said something like, “Yeah, I know it’s bad, but I can’t help myself, and also think, would you be able to be with just one woman for so many years? A guy’s gotta spread his seed” etc., the usual bullshit that cheaters say.

There are many things I don’t particularly like about him, but I feel like I’m too upset about this cheating behavior of his. I almost feel anger directed at his wife for being a stupid cow who is unable to see what’s been happening behind her back all those years. It’s one of those “everybody knows but the spouse” cases. I feel irritated whenever I see her social media posts with glowing praises of her wonderful husband, decorated with kiss and heart emoticons. All I can think about is how many times he seduced other women in front of our eyes, we literally saw him make out with them and then leave our workplace and go to their houses or a hotel to have sex.

During such moments I begin to feel that maybe it’s unethical not to tell his wife? I’ve been brought up with this “bro code” that says that you never, ever tell the wife about her husband’s indiscretions if the husband is your buddy. I’m not sure what is right anymore. To clarify, his wife is not my friend. I only know her through him and we never talk beyond the usual social greetings.

I know their marriage is none of my business. I don’t intend to try and fix it, I just want to know how to be more calm about those things. How to not feel anger when I see their smiling photos and think to myself, “She doesn’t know what he did, she is living a lie”?

 

[ShyViolet]

Maybe stop following her social media.  You say this guy is a co-worker who you're not very close with.  And you are not friends with her at all.  I think you already know this, but it would be weird and inappropriate for you to meddle in their business.  Detach yourself from this.  This is not your problem.  If it bothers you so much then don't follow them on social media.  I'm not sure why you would get so worked up over the personal life of a co-worker.

[basil67]

I imagine a lot of your anger at him is misplaced anger towards yourself and your own chronic cheating.  You're hating on him because he reminds you of your own failings

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

I imagine a lot of your anger at him is misplaced anger towards yourself and your own chronic cheating.  You're hating on him because he reminds you of your own failings

Just to be clear, my own chronic cheating was something I did when I was younger. I no longer cheat and have no inclination whatsoever to do so.

Then why does that guy’s cheating drive me so mad? 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Just to be clear, my own chronic cheating was something I did when I was younger. I no longer cheat and have no inclination whatsoever to do so.

Then why does that guy’s cheating drive me so mad? 

Yes, I was unclear.  I know it's your past.

I still maintain that you're personalising his behaviour,  being reminded of all the harm you caused

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you are also operating under the assumption that his wife is uterly clueless. 

She might not be. She might know that he is a philanderer, and choose to stay and put on a happy front anyway. A lot of people do this, however crazy or unhealthy it seems. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Even if her husband thinks he's being discreet, she might be on to him but choosing to turn a blind eye. 

Learn to deatch yourself from others' business, and don't assume that you have the whole story, in other words. 

[Gebidozo]

Will try to detach myself. Thanks to everyone for the analysis and the advice.

[Lotsgoingon]

Your assumption that the wife is clueless is likely wrong.  Spouses very often know when their partner is cheating. Especially when the spouse is a chronic, serial cheater. 

The wife in this case might have her own reasons for staying. Too exhausting to divorce, lost of income and wealth, wanting to avoid the "shame" of a divorced person. The wife might very well be getting a ton of what she wants from your colleague. I know a woman who was assaulted as a girl and she really wasn't obsessed with whether her husband was going out with other women. She was glad to not have sexual pressure on her. 

Telling the wife would be absolutely rude and mean and cruel and ridiculous--and patronizing and condescending. You're assuming the wife is dumb. 

Your colleague may challenging your own narrative of cheating. You say you did it when you were young and apparently you saw the error of your ways and you stopped cheating. This person is continuing. Somehow that's bothering you. Why? Do you feel like you really wanted to keep cheating but for whatever reason couldn't keep going? Sounds like some kind of envy of the coworker who keeps cheating. 

By envy, I don't mean it in a simple way. I've gotten envious of jerks who seemed to succeed in life without putting in all the effort to be kind to people that I put in. I had to ultimately say, I'm being kind for me. And I get benefits from being kind. Being kind aligns with my values. And so on. I have a lot of fun being kind. My life feels richer in so many ways because I am kind. And I had to stop being kind (or "nice") in situations where I didn't really want to be kind (users). As long as I felt I was being kind just to obey some outside rule, I could be envious of people who weren't following that "rule." 

Your upset about the coworker is triggering something in you. Might be something about the wife's position (anyone in your family have a cheating spouse growing up?) Or something is triggering you about the cheater. If you REALLY believe in not cheating, then you should feel that your coworker is missing out in life by cheating.  Somehow you are feeling like your coworker is "getting away with something."

 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You say you did it when you were young and apparently you saw the error of your ways and you stopped cheating. This person is continuing. Somehow that's bothering you. Why? Do you feel like you really wanted to keep cheating but for whatever reason couldn't keep going? Sounds like some kind of envy of the coworker who keeps cheating. 

No, I never wanted to keep cheating. I’m way happier now that I’m not cheating than when I was cheating, it made me miserable. That’s also why I’m most certainly not envious of that friend of mine. He doesn’t look happy and I think he knows deep down how damaging his behavior is.

 

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Somehow you are feeling like your coworker is "getting away with something."

Yes, I must say that the thought of him “getting away” does annoy me. But it’s mainly irritation from the fact that his wife is still with him. If she left him, I’d have pity for him, but it is as though part of me wants this to happen. He was close to divorce about a year ago, apparently his wife was suspecting something, she was crying and yelling at him, and he called me and asked me whether I knew a good divorce lawyer, because he couldn’t stand it anymore. I really wanted to tell him “I told you so! It’s your cheating that drove her to this!”, but I didn’t. In the end they apparently made up. Since then they both had accidents, spent time in hospitals, and their social media is full of posts how they care for each other and help each other. I’m supposed to be happy for them, but instead I’m feeling annoyed.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Well it is awkward if you have the view that the wife is a hapless, clueless victim. Many of us challenge that view. 

 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Yes, I must say that the thought of him “getting away” does annoy me. But it’s mainly irritation from the fact that his wife is still with him. If she left him, I’d have pity for him, but it is as though part of me wants this to happen. He was close to divorce about a year ago, apparently his wife was suspecting something, she was crying and yelling at him, and he called me and asked me whether I knew a good divorce lawyer, because he couldn’t stand it anymore. I really wanted to tell him “I told you so! It’s your cheating that drove her to this!”, but I didn’t. In the end they apparently made up. Since then they both had accidents, spent time in hospitals, and their social media is full of posts how they care for each other and help each other. I’m supposed to be happy for them, but instead I’m feeling annoyed.

It's just weird that you are making yourself so intertwined in the personal lives of other people.  At the beginning of this thread you said you're not even that close with him.  You would be better off if you remind yourself that this is all honestly none of your business, at the end of the day.  Set yourself free of all of this and worry about your own life.

[smackie9]

Just me but I would tell this person to not have you witness his cheating anymore because you find it unacceptable. I myself had a serial cheating friend. I did tell them not to get me involved or have me lie for them. Keep me out of it and don't do it in front of me. They understood and applied caution when we hung out together. I have always told people that it's none of your business unless they make it your business. 

[basil67]

@smackie9 has the answer.   Yes, tell him you find his behaviour unacceptable and don't want to know about it.   Better yet, simply stop being his friend.