3 yrs as other woman..

[violet_21]

Hi everyone.

 

well, I am here to get some advice. I hope someone will be able to relate.. please don't reply just to be mean, I already feel awful right now.

 

I met B, my boyfriend, 5 years ago. He was married, with 2 children.. we worked together. A year or so later, I moved to his city and started to get to know him better. I fell for him, and 6 months later or so we started to see eachother. His wife didn't know at first but I am sure sort of caught on at some point.

They were seperated last year in March, so this coming March their divorce will be final. He has bought a new house, has his seperation agreement in place, custody etc.. sounds good right? Well, its not. It's not as it appears.

 

First of all, he still hasn't told his ex about me, for fear of losing custody of his children, or starting an expensive legal battle. This has been really difficult because its been on broken promise after another, the excuse always being, "well how can I know everything, things change" each time he doesn't tell her. So I still cannot sleep at his house. Still cannot get to know his children.. only as a family friend type, but his ex doesn't want me around them because she feels jealous, even though we are just "friends". I am sure she knows.. she must.. but its just this stupid sharrade.

 

Secondly, he still goes to her house every night to see his kids and tuck them in. I don't like this, obviously, because its weird and not healthy for anyone almost a year later. His kids are DISTRAUGHT when he doesn't make it. Then he feels terrible. He gets angry at his ex if she takes them out and forgets to tell him not to come, or lets them stay up late etc.. because then he gets there and they aren't ready for bed etc and it takes up his whole night not knowing whats going on. Yes even on weekends.......... I have tried to encourage having other time spent, and having more sleepovers, to see them more so its not at her house and all weird like that. but he doesn't listen or care, he just wants to have everything stay the same. I really hate it. It's like torture really.

I know he is not interested in his ex at all, at least i am 99% sure, but it still really bothers me, because I am totally left out, and still have no oppoutunity of being a part of their lives in a stepmom way like I want to start happening.

 

Now his son has hockey 15 times a month, and he goes to every game and practice, which I of course cannot attend. His ex goes too, with their daughter. I just feel so left out and unhappy.

 

I am worried all this is going to leave me bitter for a long time.. even after things improve....

 

And besides that, he isn't treating me very well anymore. He seems totally sexually uninterested, he never approaches me anymore for anything. He has never had a high sex drive but now its really bad. Like, once a month or less.

I am 21, not unattractive.. i don't understand.. I am worried he just doesn't love me as much anymore.

He is really insensitive alot, if we have an arguement, he completely shuts down and refuses to talk about anything. Then 5 minutes later he acts like everything is fine.. and gets angry if i bring it up at all. He wants to just sweep everything under the matt it seems.

Then other times, he is really nice.. but I don't know.

Whenever he is tired, or grumpy at all, whatever is going on with me does not matter at ALL. It is only about him. If I am upset enough to cry, he ignores it, even continues belittleing me, and patronizing, and tells me "well you cry all the time, what else is new.. you keep making up all this stupid crap in your head".

 

I have an anxiety disorder, and he blames everything on it. He says, "You are the one with mental problems, not me. I'm normal. You should be talking to your therapist, not me" even if the issue has nothing to do with my anxiety.

 

He just treats me harshly and doesn't even think of my anxiety. He says I am hypersensitive and its not his fault. But he swears at me constantly, tells me I waste his time trying to talk to him about our problems, that I think too much, am too complicated, that I make him tired.. its just mean

 

I don't know what I should do. Part of me feels in love with him, when he is treating me well, but as soon as any problems arrise he turns into a coldhearted monster. If anyone has any advice I would really like to hear it

[Sami_D]

Hello violet. Sorry you're going through all this.

 

I will say that divorce and leaving children isn't an easy thing for any man to go through. You might try reading the 'Surviving Divorce' forum on gloryb.com which will help you to see if your story is typical or not, and if you can register there you might get some useful support. It could be that he's right not to show his hand regarding his R with you before the D is final.

 

On the other hand, these personal comments he's making about your state of mind don't sound good. But it's hard to judge (just reading it on a forum) whether he's being mean, or just at the end of his tether with the stress of things. The stress could also explain his lack of interest in sex with you.

 

Keep reading and best of luck.

[newbby]

hi violet,

it sounds very much like he has no energy left to deal with you, after worrying about his children and how they are. it is not surprising that he will be this worried about them. he is trying to ease them into this new life as gently as possible. he must be under severe stress and guilt.

i know you are not feeling good and you are very young to be taking all of this on, but, you will have to be super strong if you want this relationship to have a chance of working out. you began this affair when you were just 18, thats very young.

in time when his children become more comfortable with the big changes in their lives then he will probably be less stressed, but of course there are possibilities that he seems to have not even considered at this point.

what will he do when his exwife finds somebody new, and he has to deal with the fact that theres another man playing happy families with his children? you see this is why few men ever actually leave the marriage, and it is why many go back.

i think you need to have a very long talk with him, without crying, try to be objective and have a matter of fact discussion with him. ask him if he is really ready for these changes, ask him what his plans are with regard his children. by that i mean, how is he planning to ease them into this? how does he feel they are coping, does he see any signs of improvement with them? what will he do if his wife moves a boyfriend in or spends alot of time with somebody new. i think not many men could handle this happening, and it is no surprise, it must be terribly difficult.

[THX2000]

Hi everyone.

 

well, I am here to get some advice. I hope someone will be able to relate.. please don't reply just to be mean, I already feel awful right now.

 

I met B, my boyfriend, 5 years ago. He was married, with 2 children.. we worked together. A year or so later, I moved to his city and started to get to know him better. I fell for him, and 6 months later or so we started to see eachother. His wife didn't know at first but I am sure sort of caught on at some point.

They were seperated last year in March, so this coming March their divorce will be final. He has bought a new house, has his seperation agreement in place, custody etc.. sounds good right? Well, its not. It's not as it appears.

 

First of all, he still hasn't told his ex about me, for fear of losing custody of his children, or starting an expensive legal battle. This has been really difficult because its been on broken promise after another, the excuse always being, "well how can I know everything, things change" each time he doesn't tell her. So I still cannot sleep at his house. Still cannot get to know his children.. only as a family friend type, but his ex doesn't want me around them because she feels jealous, even though we are just "friends". I am sure she knows.. she must.. but its just this stupid sharrade.

 

Secondly, he still goes to her house every night to see his kids and tuck them in. I don't like this, obviously, because its weird and not healthy for anyone almost a year later. His kids are DISTRAUGHT when he doesn't make it. Then he feels terrible. He gets angry at his ex if she takes them out and forgets to tell him not to come, or lets them stay up late etc.. because then he gets there and they aren't ready for bed etc and it takes up his whole night not knowing whats going on. Yes even on weekends.......... I have tried to encourage having other time spent, and having more sleepovers, to see them more so its not at her house and all weird like that. but he doesn't listen or care, he just wants to have everything stay the same. I really hate it. It's like torture really.

I know he is not interested in his ex at all, at least i am 99% sure, but it still really bothers me, because I am totally left out, and still have no oppoutunity of being a part of their lives in a stepmom way like I want to start happening.

 

Now his son has hockey 15 times a month, and he goes to every game and practice, which I of course cannot attend. His ex goes too, with their daughter. I just feel so left out and unhappy.

 

I am worried all this is going to leave me bitter for a long time.. even after things improve....

 

And besides that, he isn't treating me very well anymore. He seems totally sexually uninterested, he never approaches me anymore for anything. He has never had a high sex drive but now its really bad. Like, once a month or less.

I am 21, not unattractive.. i don't understand.. I am worried he just doesn't love me as much anymore.

He is really insensitive alot, if we have an arguement, he completely shuts down and refuses to talk about anything. Then 5 minutes later he acts like everything is fine.. and gets angry if i bring it up at all. He wants to just sweep everything under the matt it seems.

Then other times, he is really nice.. but I don't know.

Whenever he is tired, or grumpy at all, whatever is going on with me does not matter at ALL. It is only about him. If I am upset enough to cry, he ignores it, even continues belittleing me, and patronizing, and tells me "well you cry all the time, what else is new.. you keep making up all this stupid crap in your head".

 

I have an anxiety disorder, and he blames everything on it. He says, "You are the one with mental problems, not me. I'm normal. You should be talking to your therapist, not me" even if the issue has nothing to do with my anxiety.

 

He just treats me harshly and doesn't even think of my anxiety. He says I am hypersensitive and its not his fault. But he swears at me constantly, tells me I waste his time trying to talk to him about our problems, that I think too much, am too complicated, that I make him tired.. its just mean

 

I don't know what I should do. Part of me feels in love with him, when he is treating me well, but as soon as any problems arrise he turns into a coldhearted monster. If anyone has any advice I would really like to hear it

 

I don't know why you are surprised by all this. With regards to the wife, I totally agree that if I were in her place I wouldn't want the person my spouse cheated with around my kids. First of all there is the role model issue and secondly there is the issue of "2 mommies" and the confusion it may create. Do you really expect her not to be bitter? Seems you are upset with this guy for how he is treating you and you are just the woman he is/was cheating with. How would you expect his WIFE and mother of his children to react to this situation. Dump this guy and move on with your life with a SINGLE person that will give you the attention you crave and deserve. You are still very young so this is isn't the end of the world although I am sure it feels like it.

[EMJ]

Since most divorces, over 90%, are intiated by women, chances are the wife likely threw his sorry ass out. Men don't walk easily, especially if there are children around. He does not sound like a prize for any woman.

 

You are young. Just beginning really and there's a whole world of decent guys you are missing by spending time with this loser. The way you describe him there does not seem to be anything even remotely attractive about him.

 

And regarding sex, at 21 you should be bouncing off the walls with some hot little honey, not waiting for this jerk to toss you a crumb of affection. I can't see ONE good reason to stick around at all. Don't waste your fabulous youth on any fool! It's a short lived gift, spend it wisely.

 

The selfish, rude, inconsiderate, no sex, wants you to stay his dirty little secret, won't include you in his larger life, dishonest cheating ass LOSER has nothing to offer you. He's been treating like dirt for far to long. You have an excuse, you are young and haven't had a lot of these experiences.

 

What's his excuse?

 

Honey people don't change their basic characters, and he has none! He likely treated the wife the same, he WAS cheating on her for the last 3 years as you know.

 

Get the hell away from this freak! You can do MUCH better. Just call it a "learning experience" now that you've learned it you never have to go through this again.

 

You really should try going speed dating with some girlfriends, nothing like man after man wanting your attention in an evening and reminding you of all you have going for you. It will boost yourself self esteem tremendously. I always have a blast doing it, even if you want to don't follow up and call any of them, it's good to get some perspective. Just don't discuss your mistake with this loser to them. It's not important and it's just a sad little phase you went through.

I'm 100% on your side. You have eveything to offer, he's got nothing.

 

You have all the information you need to make the wise choice. Good Luck.

[EMJ]

duplicate post- Ignore

[EMJ]

duplicated post from below-

[violet_21]

I don't know why you are surprised by all this. With regards to the wife, I totally agree that if I were in her place I wouldn't want the person my spouse cheated with around my kids. First of all there is the role model issue and secondly there is the issue of "2 mommies" and the confusion it may create. Do you really expect her not to be bitter? Seems you are upset with this guy for how he is treating you and you are just the woman he is/was cheating with. How would you expect his WIFE and mother of his children to react to this situation. Dump this guy and move on with your life with a SINGLE person that will give you the attention you crave and deserve. You are still very young so this is isn't the end of the world although I am sure it feels like it.

 

 

geez thanks for your bitchy comments, bitch.

 

I have been with him for THREE YEARS, I am not just "some girl hes cheating with". He LEFT her and they are getting DIVORCED.... they have been split up for 10 months. Sorry but not everyone wants to stay with their big fat ugly wife, just for the sheer fact that they used to be in love. She turned into a fat, lazy, mean witch that treated him like ****. Why the hell would someone want to be with that?

[violet_21]

I should have know this ****ing board is biast, you are all probably married and patrol here looking for women to take your anger out on because your husband probably had an affair.

 

GUESS WHAT I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR HUSBAND!

 

Ever heard of being objective?? Jesus. what a load of ****

[Astarte]

Sheesh, voilet, calm down, though I understand what you mean...

Don't let such daft comments get to you, it's only frustration that speaks out of her, so don't bother.

Anyway.

I do think, you deserve better, but I seriously have no clue to tell you, how to deal with the heart and how you can manage to go through it.

I think you feel inside yourself, that he is no good for you, just wished, I could somehow support you in moving on...I know your situation is darn hard and sore, and I do appreciate you asked for advice here.

You're understood, at least that I can tell you...

[slubberdegullion]

Violet;

 

Firstly, don't let those who slam you get under your skin. If you take the emotion out of the response, you'll probably find there is some helpful advice there.

 

But more to the point; the simple fact is that you aren't getting what you need out of the relationship to feel comfortable and secure. Your man is not in a position - the way he feels about it anyway - to provide that for you because of factors that are out of his control.

 

He's not shutting down or growing cold because of anything you have done. It's his defence mechanism to avoid facing some extremely difficult choices.

 

For instance, if his ex discovers that you're in the picture and he loses access to his kids, that will crush him. Rightly or wrongly, he'll likely hold you responsible, and then where will you be?

 

To maintain your relationship, you'll have to be different from his ex. Now, I obviously don't know her, and can only speculate as to what she's like based on information you've provided here. But the point is that if he sees her mirrored in your actions - emotional, demanding, etc. - then you may find yourself without him.

 

Now, to be sure, you have a right as his partner to be supported by him. But the simple fact is that right now, he doesn't have it in him. It's not because he's a bad guy or incarnate evil, it's just that he's desperately trying to maintain a good relationship with his kids and not get taken to the cleaners in divorce court.

 

This is undoubtedly as tough on him as it is on you, he just keeps a lid on it whereas you're more open with your feelings. Again, there's nothing wrong with that, it's just the way things are.

 

Try this: Make an appointment with him in, say, a month, to sit down with him and discuss the situation rationally. The reason I say a month is that, in that intervening time, give him the emotional space he needs to deal with his issues in his manner. It will also take a great deal of the drama out of your relationship with him, which will only be positive for both of you.

 

Good luck!

[Sami_D]

Violet, try not to take the BS posts to heart. There is some excellent advice here on your thread, especially from slubberdegullion.

 

Good luck.

[EMJ]

Everything you said in your first post about your MM describes a person who is completely self centered and not very concerned about you or your feelings.

 

You can certainly keep trying to be patient, kind, and supportive. But where has that gotten you to date? Peole rarely change, especially when they continued to be rewarded for their bad choices and behavior.

 

I'll never slam you. I just want you too see how much you have to offer and are offering it to someone who does not appear to know or appreciate it. At all.

 

You asked for advice. I will only give you OBJECTIVE advice based on the situation you described. My concern is for you. When it looks like someone is drowning, I'll throw them a life preserver. They can choose to reject it, but they will still be out in the water trying to stay afloat. I'm sorry if you don't want to see that. Check your gut instinct. What is it telling you?

 

Best wishes and good luck. I hope you find your way to shore.

[wanda1974]

Secondly, he still goes to her house every night to see his kids and tuck them in. I don't like this, obviously, because its weird and not healthy for anyone almost a year later. His kids are DISTRAUGHT when he doesn't make it.

Who the hell are you to say you don't like this....THESE ARE HIS CHILDREN...don't be so selfish!

 

I know he is not interested in his ex at all, at least i am 99% sure, but it still really bothers me, because I am totally left out, and still have no oppoutunity of being a part of their lives in a stepmom way like I want to start happening.

 

If he wanted a stepmom for his children, he would be pursuing that. Obviously their mother seems to get the motherly job done.

 

Now his son has hockey 15 times a month, and he goes to every game and practice, which I of course cannot attend. His ex goes too, with their daughter. I just feel so left out and unhappy.

He goes to every gameand practice, which he should...OF COURSE YOU CAN'T ATTEND....this is THEIR SON....I'm starting to have flashbacks of Fatal Attraction......

 

Then other times, he is really nice.. but I don't know.

Whenever he is tired, or grumpy at all, whatever is going on with me does not matter at ALL. It is only about him. If I am upset enough to cry, he ignores it, even continues belittleing me, and patronizing, and tells me "well you cry all the time, what else is new.. you keep making up all this stupid crap in your head".

 

NOOOOOOOOO, you did not make up stupid crap in your head, HE DID. All his empty promises....you don't need them. You need to be with someone who can give you their all. Trust me, I was in this situation before. Twice. It's not a good situation to be in.

 

I have an anxiety disorder, and he blames everything on it. He says, "You are the one with mental problems, not me. I'm normal. You should be talking to your therapist, not me" even if the issue has nothing to do with my anxiety.

 

Sounds to me, like you both need a therapist!

I do wish you luck with your problems, but yourself, and him a favor, and keep his kids out of your needs from him.

[Ladyjane14]

......he isn't treating me very well anymore.

I am 21....

He is really insensitive alot....

It is only about him.

 

I'm not going to pretend that I'm in anyway unbiased when it comes to cheating. I think it's wrong.

 

But that's not what I wanted to comment on in regards to your particular situation. (I'd just like you to keep in mind that my opinion is in NO WAY biased by your status as an OW.....'cause you're not going to like what I have to say.)

 

You are very young to have only experienced love as a secret relationship. You're only 21. If you met this guy at 16 and have spent the last three years seeing him exclusively, one has to assume that your previous experience in romance is limited to the perspective of a 16-17 year-old girl.

 

You are MISSING some really good stuff! This guy may have been nice to you. He may have treated you as someone special. I'm not gonna debate any of that with you in terms of actual truthfulness. Who knows?

 

But then again...Who Cares? Girl, you are missing first dates and first kisses. You're missing the opportunity to develop your OWN likes and dislikes....and then to be FREE to explore relationships with all sorts of other people who share your interests. You've given up your FREEDOM before you've had time to even discover what it means.

 

I've been married for over 20 years, and I'm old enough to be your mother. So....I've been young and now I can look back on it in hindsight and see it from a 20/20 perspective. I'm telling you....this guy is ROBBING YOU of your youth.

 

He's got baggage. And quite frankly, that's HIS problem. You are a whole new fresh person who's going to have her OWN baggage one day. Why take on his problems? DAMN....why waste these good years on somebody who isn't even being nice to you??? You aren't even fully-formed yet. You haven't had any time on your own to discover yourself.

 

All I can tell you is that if you were MY daughter....I'd tell you to extricate yourself from this relationship before you get in any deeper. It sucks to break up no matter who ya are....but this relationship is just going to keep pulling you in like a Black Hole the more time that goes by.

[EMJ]

Keep reminding her of her fabulousness!

 

She shouldn't get angry at us Veterans of Love.

 

We know what we are talking about and we know MEN.

 

I'm hoping our little sister here gets it before she wastes another minute on this LOSER who is taking her youth and giving her crumbs in return.

 

Vilolet, Hon, we only want to cheer you on to recognzing all you have to give and that you are throwing your pearls to SWINE at this point.

 

As my favorite hero Bono sings "You've got to get yourself together, you got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it"

 

But once you do Vi baby, you'll never look back. Keep going this current route and you'll have a lot of regrets about time you'll never get back and opportunities missed.

[RainyDayWoman]

geez thanks for your bitchy comments, bitch.

 

Sorry but not everyone wants to stay with their big fat ugly wife, just for the sheer fact that they used to be in love. She turned into a fat, lazy, mean witch that treated him like ****. Why the hell would someone want to be with that?

 

well...some would argue that an attitude like yours, and the fact that you have no problem with involving yourself in someone else's marriage, is as equal a turn-off as what you describe.

 

the husband could have (SHOULD have) left his "big, fat ugly wife" before he found someone else to get his dyck wet in. but he didn't.

 

i would think the obvious lack of loyalty shown in this case would be an indicator of his priorities...and that should worry you at least a little bit. what if you get "fat" because you had his children, "lazy" because you're tired from taking care of them, and "mean" because he acts likes an ass?

 

you don't know the other side of the story. you know what he tells you and that's all. and he'll tell you exactly that, so you feel bad for him and drop your panties.

 

will you accept that that is an okay for reason for him to cheat on you? because if it's acceptable for him to do it to her, you must believe it is okay for him to do it to you too...

 

if not, then you're just justifying your behaviour...which may just indicate that you do, in fact, have a soul and a conscience. that's a start.

 

he's a jerk. you're only 21 years old and you need to look out for yourself. good luck.

[EMJ]

She hasn't accepted her role in this whole thing. That's why so easy to blame the real victim, the cheated on wife, not to mention the kids.

 

You and I know that the wife didn't start out this way, but years of living with HIM has eroded her to this point.

 

Our little sister here, Violet, has spent the last three years of her life, since 18 years old being fed this BS by him! She's missed so much already and doesn't yet realize it.

 

AS IF, her guy would have married some fat ass bitchy shrew (?). That's the end result of years of life with him.

 

You and I both know that this is not the first time and won't be the last time he has lied and decieved a woman. She's been a party to his sneaking around, so she should know how good he is at it.

 

But that's a big part of the attraction for him, her lack of real world experience. She's hasn't seen it enough times yet to know how common it is. He's treating her pretty crappy right now, as seems to be his history with women, but she's not ready yet to give up the illusion that he's some kind of "good guy". But she's seeing the cracks. She's here. She knows something is not right, she's frustrated and starting to feel the results of his neglect and selfishness.

 

We know she's only thinking with her Small mind and hasn't moved up to using her Big mind and seeing "big picture" the on a regular basis yet. A lot of people never do get to that point.

 

But I have a lot of compassion for her. I think she's going to figure it out and get out of his gross messy life. Hopefully she see all the truth and also see it was always available to her if she decided to get some distance and perspecitve on the situation.

 

She's probably going to lash out at me for saying all of this, but you know, it's part of the process of growing out of the limited world of his and getting a bigger one of her own. We all create our own lives by our choices, her's has got to better than this!

[Rachel0814]

Secondly, he still goes to her house every night to see his kids and tuck them in. I don't like this, obviously, because its weird and not healthy for anyone almost a year later. His kids are DISTRAUGHT when he doesn't make it.

Who the hell are you to say you don't like this....THESE ARE HIS CHILDREN...don't be so selfish!

 

I know he is not interested in his ex at all, at least i am 99% sure, but it still really bothers me, because I am totally left out, and still have no oppoutunity of being a part of their lives in a stepmom way like I want to start happening.

 

If he wanted a stepmom for his children, he would be pursuing that. Obviously their mother seems to get the motherly job done.

 

Now his son has hockey 15 times a month, and he goes to every game and practice, which I of course cannot attend. His ex goes too, with their daughter. I just feel so left out and unhappy.

He goes to every gameand practice, which he should...OF COURSE YOU CAN'T ATTEND....this is THEIR SON....I'm starting to have flashbacks of Fatal Attraction......

 

Wanda, she's not wrong for being upset about being excluded from these areas of her boyfriend's life. He's decided to divorce his wife and continue building a relationship with Violet. If he's made any promise of long-term commitment to Violet, which I'm sure he has (they all do!), then she has the right to expect to be included in ALL areas of his life. She deserves to not be shut out, she deserves to be acknowledged as his partner, and she deserves the courtesy and respect of being introduced into his family, albeit as gently as possible. The ex might not like it, but if Violet ends up this guy's new wife, she will be their step mom, and she will be present for shared family events! And like the kids, the ex will get used to it.

 

It's a transition that eventually must occur. And for him to treat Violet like an unworthy outsider AT ANY TIME is cruel. He's setting up their relationship for failure. And Violet, taking it day after day in order to be the understanding, giving girlfriend...Violet, honey, that's going to ruin your self esteem. Don't do that to yourself.

 

I can't tell you what to do because I don't know what you should do. I can only recognize it for being the F-d up situation that it is. Unfortunately, only you will be able to find a solution for it. But you're not wrong for being hurt by the lack of tenderness in him. So don't sell yourself short; you're emotions are valid, and your pain should be just as important to him as the rest of his family's. If it's not, then this is not a good relationship for you.

 

And BTW, I agree that him going to his ex's house EVERY NIGHT to tuck in the kids is WEIRD. I'm sure he thinks he's helping to protect the kids from the disolving marriage. But in reality he's actually dragging things out. He's not setting up realistic expectations for his kids at all. Whoever had questioned what he'd do when his ex finally meets someone herself was right; she and her new man wont like having the exhusband over and in THEIR lives every night. He's going to have to cut back the visits to a more normal "divorced" parenting routine.

 

After all, the point of divorce is for the divorcing couple to move on separately in order to make a less stressful, more hopeful go at life.

 

Neither the dad, the ex, or their kids will be able to move on and adjust to all the new routines until the new routines get put into place! And the sooner, the better for EVERYONE, including Violet.

 

Kids always do better when the new rules are established early on and consistently upheld. If they live with mom, and they see Dad on the weekends, then he should focus on giving them stable weekends.

 

Of course he wants to ease them into the divorce. And sure, I agree that it'd have been ok to ease them into Dad not living in the house anymore - maybe tuck them a few nights a week for the first few months, then scale it back to two nights a week and then one until he was just getting them on the weekends. But after 10 months!!! Now they've got a long term expectation that this will go on. Ending this kind of longterm routine is going to be just as emotional as Dad leaving the house to begin with. NOT GOOD.

[RainyDayWoman]

 

You and I know that the wife didn't start out this way, but years of living with HIM has eroded her to this point.

 

Our little sister here, Violet, has spent the last three years of her life, since 18 years old being fed this BS by him! She's missed so much already and doesn't yet realize it.

 

You and I both know that this is not the first time and won't be the last time he has lied and decieved a woman. She's been a party to his sneaking around, so she should know how good he is at it.

 

But that's a big part of the attraction for him, her lack of real world experience. She's hasn't seen it enough times yet to know how common it is. He's treating her pretty crappy right now, as seems to be his history with women, but she's not ready yet to give up the illusion that he's some kind of "good guy". But she's seeing the cracks. She's here. She knows something is not right, she's frustrated and starting to feel the results of his neglect and selfishness.

 

 

exactly. it's just such a shame that everyone can see everyone else's problem and know how to fix it...but we seldom do it for ourselves.

[Sami_D]

Well there's a lot of self-congratulation and (almost) smugness on this thread.

 

Since there's been little in the way of follow-up posts from the OP it's hard to know what the situation really is, or how she's feeling, and where it might go. And isn't that the most important thing..? This is a woman asking for input on a particular situation, and how this man is acting.

 

It's just too easy to dismiss it as 'you're young, we're more experienced, therefore you're wrong', and by the way it began as an affair, so you reap what you sow. How do you know..?

 

And all the 'I'm not going to mention the fact you were having an A with this man' ... well good for you and you managing to (almost - not quite) not mention that it started as an A. What do morals have to do with it at all at this stage..? He's been separated almost a year. The D is final in March..? (I'm leaving out how he's acting, and my feelings about the situation, because just now I'm criticising people's reactions on this thread). Since you've all seen how she reacts to (and didn't ask for) the 'you were in an A, so deal with it' posts, I find it odd that this thread has especially attracted negativity. What's the point..?

 

If only we ALL had had 20-20 hindsight in our youth, eh..?

[EMJ]

This young woman reached out for help. People with more experience are trying to help her. Don't think there is any smugness or self congratualtions anywhere in this, and there's no dismissing of her genuine frustration and pain.

 

No one can fix anyone else, but they can offer, if asked, the insight of having seen enough patterns of behavior to let her know she is not alone in her experience. Yes, every situation is different, but there are A LOT of similarites in the way people act and react in any given scenario.

 

I'm genuinely supportive of people strugglng to figure things out. I believe we are here to help each other if we can. A few of these posters have contacted me outside of these forums and we now have ongoing correspondence. It must be helping them on some level. There's nothing smug about trying to help relieve pain.

 

Sometimes it's tough love, but we need from time to time as well.

[Sami_D]

She shouldn't get angry at us Veterans of Love.

 

I'm just quoting this as an example of what I was talking about. I think it shows a lack of patience and understanding of other people.

 

WHY should she not be angry about posts from 'older and wiser' posters..? If you were actually 'wiser' you'd see exactly why she would get angry about certain things. Being 'wiser' doesn't mean being judgmental because you 'KNOW ABOUT MEN'... ahem... you know what you've learnt from the men you've been with. That is a whole different kettle of fish. And being bitter about YOUR experiences doesn't mean you know everything about another circumstance.

 

And again... I'm saying... We know just a little of this situation. Let's sit back and let the OP tell us more before jumping in with the 'you're 21' stuff. Yes, she might find that ending it with him would be the very best for her. But that's something she (and we) might find out once we know more about this.

[Ladyjane14]

There wasn't any smugness. Sami. The girl is young and her experience in romance as been severely limited by this secret relationship.

 

She's missing out. In the matter of person growth and development, those three years could have had inestimable value. We're talking about FREEDOM, Sami. Room to grow and discover youself.

 

I stand by what I said earlier....this guy is ROBBING her.

 

What's more, she's already displayed a certain amount of defensiveness that cannot be attributed to her youth or lack of maturity right here on this thread. Shineshop didn't say ANYTHING to her that would account an outburst like that. Violet_21 called her a b*tch without any real provocation. Why would ANY good mother allow strangers to have access to her kids? It's was a valid point. Violet's expectations in that regard are unreasonable. Shineshop just pointed it out, that was all.

 

It's clear that this girl isn't feeling good about herself. That's all. If she was, she doubtless would not have posted such an angry outburst with so little provocation. There's no need to be defensive when you're happy with your personal choices.

[Sami_D]

The OP called the BS poster a b**** for obvious reasons. The BS poster was a BS poster, doing what BS posters do. It was posted with the sole aim of having a go at an EX ow. Well that's not called for here. And you can't see that? Interesting.

 

The other comments in your post about 'being 21' etc etc... It strikes me just the same as it did in earlier posts here... Many people would like to be 21 again without the lack of knowledge of life. The thing is... that's the trade-off... Youth knows nothing. You can't get back your youth by banging on to someone else about their life.

 

If you want to help someone, you have to time-travel a little (I think)... You have to empathise.

 

There is not so much of that on this thread.