She says she's still getting to know me, but I feel like she's pulling away. What should I do?

[burgerkurger]

Hey, I (22M) have been dating a girl (22F) for about 3 months now, and I’m struggling to figure out where we stand. Things were going well, but recently, I feel like she’s becoming distant, and I don’t know whether to confront her about it or just back off.

Background:

• We’ve been dating for 3 months, talking via daily voice chats, and going on multiple dates.
• We don’t see each other every day due to distance and schedules—I’m only free on weekends, and she’s busy with college and working in a hotel (morning & evening shifts).
• She told me early on that she had a bad breakup but is “ready to move on.” However, she also said she’s in a mindset of “If something happens, it happens.” (happened 1 month into dating)

Dating & Physical Side:

• Our dates have been great—night drives, restaurants, sunsets, etc.
• We had one sexual moment, but the timing wasn’t right, so nothing happened.
• Later, I asked if we should start being more sexually involved, and she said, “Yes, we could.”

The Problem:

• At the end of 2024, I told her I wanted to take things more seriously—I reassured her that I wasn’t just here for sex and that I genuinely wanted to get to know her better.
• I told her I’m looking for something serious and that my “end goal” is for her to be mine. She responded by saying she’s still getting to know me.
• Since then, I feel like she’s becoming distant.
• On our last date, I told her I had a feeling that I was losing her. She reassured me that she’s just focused on her exams and working on herself at the moment.
• She also said she will let me know when she has time and that she hoped I had a good time on our date.
• After that, I gave her space, and two days later, she reached out first to ask how I was and to tell me about her weekend.

What I Need Help With:

I’m feeling tired and frustrated. I don’t want to keep waiting around if she’s never going to commit, but at the same time, I don’t want to push her away if she just needs more time.

1. Should I ask her directly what’s stopping her from making things official?
2. Could it be that we haven’t had sex yet, and that’s holding her back?
3. Is it my pushy/clingy nature that’s turning her off?
4. Should I just back off completely and let her take the initiative?
5. Should I just ask her to be my girlfriend?

I need clarity, but I also don’t want to seem desperate for an answer. How do I handle this?

 

Edited January 15 by burgerkurger

[ExpatInItaly]

32 minutes ago, burgerkurger said:

Should I just ask her to be my girlfriend?

I think you more or less already did: 

33 minutes ago, burgerkurger said:

I told her I’m looking for something serious and that my “end goal” is for her to be mine. She responded by saying she’s still getting to know me.

My sense is that if you perceive that she is distancing herself, then you are probably right. She is busy with exams, true, but plenty of people manage to have relationships and study. It seems she is not so sure about a future with you, and the 3-month mark is often when people start seeing these things more clearly. 

42 minutes ago, burgerkurger said:

Is it my pushy/clingy nature that’s turning her off?

How pushy or clingy are we talking? 

[Maldives]

"At the end of 2024, I told her I wanted to take things more seriously—I reassured her that I wasn’t just here for sex and that I genuinely wanted to get to know her better.

I told her I’m looking for something serious and that my “end goal” is for her to be mine. She responded by saying she’s still getting to know me."

 

I think this is what made her pull back.

I don't wanna pigeon hole genders but I think woman do attach/fall in love a lot more slower than men. 

I would of waited for her to bring up the subject of commitment.

 

Edited January 15 by Maldives

[ShyViolet]

At 3 months of dating, that should be the honeymoon stage.  That's when the excitement and the "new relationship energy" is usually the strongest.  If you're feeling that she's not making an effort to be with you, and she's becoming distant, that isn't a good sign for the future of this relationship.  Don't be clingy.  That's a huge turnoff.  Give her some space and see if she makes an effort to keep this going.  If she doesn't, then stop trying so hard and leave her alone.

[Gebidozo]

In my opinion, the biggest problem here is you spelling out things and trying to put labels instead of making and letting things happen.

I think that the following phrases are likely to put pressure on the other person and make them feel uncomfortable:

 

8 hours ago, burgerkurger said:

Later, I asked if we should start being more sexually involved

8 hours ago, burgerkurger said:

I told her I wanted to take things more seriously—I reassured her that I wasn’t just here for sex

8 hours ago, burgerkurger said:

I told her I’m looking for something serious and that my “end goal” is for her to be mine.

8 hours ago, burgerkurger said:

On our last date, I told her I had a feeling that I was losing her.

 

Edited January 16 by Gebidozo

[basil67]

Does she have a sexually conservative background?   If she does, ask her how she views dating, relationships and sex.

If not, then I think she's just not that into you.....if she was truly keen on you, she'd agree to be your girlfriend and there would be some degree of sexual intimacy

Edited January 16 by basil67

[smackie9]

IMO you shouldn't have to work this hard...things should just fall into place at the right pace. Me I would just pull back and just bail. 

[BaileyB]

On 1/15/2025 at 4:32 PM, Maldives said:

I told her I’m looking for something serious and that my “end goal” is for her to be mine. She responded by saying she’s still getting to know me."

I think she has a lot that she is balancing and you are moving at different speeds. That fact that you want to pick things up is obviously giving her pause to slow things down… all you can do is decide if you are ok with what she is offering or not. 

Just something to think about - the comment that you want to make her “mine.” In the right context, that can be a sexy and romantic thing to say to your partner. But, in the early stages of the relationship, that could also be interpreted as potentially intimidating and controlling. It would give me pause if a man that I was “just getting to know” said that to me… Again, context is everything, just something to think about.

Edited January 18 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

So, l'm having my morning coffee and decided to read your story to my 20 yo daughter to have her perspective. My perspective was that this young woman was wasting your time but l still wanted to run it through someone your generation. My daughter's reaction to your story was *she's feeding him bulls$t*.

When people like each other there is no confusion after 3 months dating. You did not ask her to be your wife, you just want to date her properly as gf/bf.  If she does not like it down the road she can end it with no fees and penalty. You're both 22, it's just dating!!

Also, there is no such a thing of scaring her with what you said. Again, when people like each other they're not scared by 'would you be my gf' after 3 months. Women like titles! If a woman likes a man she wants bf/gf title.

Bottom line she does not like you enough! You're a temporary fix for her, that's why she doesn't want the title. She has no intention of pursuing this. 

Do yourself a favor and go date someone that is crazy about you! 

 

[SurfCity]

On 1/15/2025 at 9:08 AM, burgerkurger said:

We had one sexual moment, but the timing wasn’t right, so nothing happened.

What does this mean? How can you have a sexual moment where nothing happens? At what point in your dating timeline did this occur? 

Have you kissed or held hands in the 3 months of dating? 

[fred123]

12 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I think she has a lot that she is balancing and you are moving at different speeds. That fact that you want to pick things up is obviously giving her pause to slow things down… all you can do is decide if you are ok with what she is offering or not. 

Just something to think about - the comment that you want to make her “mine.” In the right context, that can be a sexy and romantic thing to say to your partner. But, in the early stages of the relationship, that could also be interpreted as potentially intimidating and controlling. It would give me pause if a man that I was “just getting to know” said that to me… Again, context is everything, just something to think about.

Context = if she's into you. Iv said what he said to a woman after 3 weeks. We spent 6 years together she was crazy about me