Gabber Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Hi, I am new to this board and I just have a situation I want advice on. I have a friend that I have known for a couple years now. He is married and so am I. However, we have talked a lot. We have discussed having an affair and basically left it at what happens happens. Well...it's been several months and nothing has happened. Which is okay with me. However, I haven't talked to him nearly as much lately. We talk but not a lot anymore. Which truly is probably better that way but...I miss him and I miss talking to him. He is a wonderful person. But the other day he called me. Just out of the blue. He thought that I had tried to call him but I hadn't. I'm just wondering....was this just a good reason to call me or...guess just wishfull thinking? Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Instead of wondering about his call, you might want to get to the real issue of why you both have considered having an affair. If you both are not happy in your current marriages, then I would suggest some marriage counseling. If you all do not want to fix your marraige or work on it, then get out of before persuing anything else. His call is is beside the point. Jade 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 1. We have discussed having an affair and basically left it at what happens happens. Well...it's been several months and nothing has happened. 2. However, I haven't talked to him nearly as much lately. 3. But the other day he called me. Just out of the blue. He thought that I had tried to call him but I hadn't. 4. I'm just wondering....was this just a good reason to call me or...guess just wishfull thinking? 1. If it was going to happen, chances are it would have. For whatever reason it sounds like he backed out - perhaps he didn't want to take that risk? Sometimes if a MM perceives a risk that outweighs the benefits they won't take the bait - perhaps that risk involved a mix of him not wanting to get involved too deeply emotionally, and a fear that you would get too involved emotionally. I'm curious... whose idea initially was the affair? Who brought it up first? Who did the better part of pursuing it? 2. Is it him not contacting you, you not contacting him or both? Any reasons/excuses given for not contacting? 3. No way of telling on this one. Could be legit - if he has more than one OW he could have gotten a (close!) call and was trying to see who called, or it could just be an excuse to call you. It depends on the answers to the questions above, really. If the affair was his idea, and he pursued it, and he wanted it (and was not just agreeing to it) then perhaps he could be re-establishing contact - but cautiously. Could be that he wants to crack that door open again, but keep you on the other side of it for the time being. Otherwise, I expect he would have not needed an excuse to call. He would have simply said "I miss talking to you" and went from there. 4. Wishful thinking? To some extent, yes. If he is pursuing it sounds like he is pursuing to a much lesser and less risky degree particularly if you haven't been in contact with each other much. Link to post Share on other sites
THX2000 Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Instead of wondering about his call, you might want to get to the real issue of why you both have considered having an affair. If you both are not happy in your current marriages, then I would suggest some marriage counseling. If you all do not want to fix your marraige or work on it, then get out of before persuing anything else. His call is is beside the point. Jade BEST ADVICE EVER.......... Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 You need to focus on your marriage and quit worrying about that call.. You was getting something from him as well as he ,sounds like you all need marriage counseling!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gabber Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 To answer the questions asked. The affair was brought up by him. I think we both were in a rut at the time and the attention was well appreciated. Just even for only conversation. The lack of contact came after I think we both realized that now it was official. We had brought up "The Topic" and we both got nervous. I never contacted much due to being "uncomfortable" and didn't want him to think I was pushing him into doing something he was nervous about. I agree that there is obviously issues in our marriages or this would've never even been brought up. I was just curious as to why he felt as though he had to make up an excuse to call. I mean we have been really good friends for awhile now and it never has to be more than that or if it was because he was "missing" what was and is trying to easily bring it back. I think that I have got passed my issues at home and am happy but am just curious as to what all this is leading to. I mean...I don't want to jump to conclusions and say something that will hurt or offend him if it was just an innoscent call. Just very confused right now. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Hard to say why he called. Possibly just to check and see how you were. He got found out about his calls, so he backed off. He backed off because he felt it was getting to deep, etc. Not sure. Glad you feel that the issues in your marriage are working out, which probably means if he calls again, you need to tell him you are working on your marriage and to not call again. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
MoonDancer Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Hi, Gabber: Having cheated with a MM, let me say this from experience: it's not just about you and him. There are other people involved who have the potential of being hurt very deeply by the decision you and this man make. And yes, I understand the attention was appreciated but should it go further, are you really prepared for the devastation this decision could cause the others involved (especially the hurt and pain caused to any children involved)? Jade made a wonderful suggestion re: marriage counseling. Why not try resolving the issues there before risking so much pain to yourself, him, and the others in both of your lives? Please believe me when I say it's really not worth it in the end to have an affair. The risks are just too great. Additionally, if he's thought of cheating with you, how many other times has he cheated? He'd probably say NEVER, but how can you really know? The relationship between you and him even at this point is a lie to his wife and at least emotional unfaithfulness...what makes you think he would not lie to you, cheat on you (depending on where this thing goes between you)? Perhaps you and he do not consider it lying or emotional unfaithfulness...what would his wife or your husband think though? As Jade pointed out, his phone call is beside the point....there are far greater things that should be considered as you contemplate anything further with this man. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts