gf of 9 years had an emotional affair with a coworker

[Mikejacson]

 

This happened a month ago.Me M/28, discovered that my gf F/26 had an emotional affair with an co-worker, so I discovered pictures from her company’s Christmas party when they were tougher not kissimg or anything like that but they were toghater in those photos, to Close and a conversation with her bestfriend F/26 talking about the fact that I am close to finding something.

 I confronted her, she told me that it is true, that she got feelings for that guy but it is over,she chose me and that’s all. I told her that she needs to quit her job becouse the affait partener is stil working there but she says she won’t do it because she just got a promotion and they work in different departaments.

Context: we were together for 9 years, I was her first everything, in the last years she told me that I become very emotionally unavailable and negletfull and is kinda true. I am not that type ,i don’t show emotions I let my actions speak not my words. But I tried my best I cooked for her, I took care of her when she was sick, I helped her in any way I could, planed dates ,liber her family. I bough her flowers. I tried to be a good bf in my own way.

The thing is she wanted me to propose but I did not have the money to be honest to give her the ring that she deserves ,she always said is not relevant and she would accept any ring but I disagree.

In the last 2 years she had some issues in her life regarding her parents, with me losing my job and me being a big time gambler for around 8 months.I quit gambeling in the last 4 months and I did find a good job.

To be honest I took advantage of her , I took money from her when I knew that she did not have enough and I negolected her emotionally and never talked about the problems in pur relationship.This does not excuse the cheating but I am a honest person. So in short I was a bastard. I talked with her for many howers regarding her affair and she told me that it was our emotional and to be honest I believe her.

I went to a polygraph with her and she apparently never touched another man in the last 9 years and she did not talk with the ap since the Christmas Party. She always told me that she wants a family with me and kids but I never specified when this will happen.She told me that she was “just am ATM” for the past few months.

To be honest I never told her that in the future I want that to have a family or kids but after what happened she just started to want a baby with me becouse now she knows that I am the one and there will be no one She asurred me that she will never be someone else and if that happens to do whatever I want to her .

Another thing, before she went to that party, her therapist told her that she needs to chose between me and him and she went to the party. Aparentlly she chiar him.She did not chose me…

Now my question is : what should I do,I Love her, after I Find out about the problems that she is having I tried to be more emotionaly avalable,plan dates, I bought her a promise ring, I tried to be better but she says that work is of limits, she loves her work and I know how much she did to be where she is n ow but I’m still thinking that she would contact the other guy, she says that is hard and they work in different departments now and she wont do that to me again. 

She was always free to do what ever she wanted, she could work until late, go out with her girlfriends anytime. I told her to quit her job or I am leaving her but she won’t. She told me her career is more important then anything and her family needs her financial support.She works 3 days wfh and 2 days office in a diferent city. 

Now I am asking what should I do, I love her but I think that she would chose anything else over me, what do you think? And another thing she tries to work things out, she goes to terapy, we went to couple conceling I myself go to therapy, and we try but deepdown I don’t think is over. I also talked with the affair partener and he said that they where just friends and he does not have any fellings for her but she did.I don’t know, is it worth saving this? I try but I don’t feel that she tries that much. I really need advice from others. Maybe I am paranoid, maybe I am right. I don’t know. Please , I need advice 

Edited 4 hours ago by a LoveShack.org Moderator
shorten title/paragraphs

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Mikejacson said:

We try but deep down I don’t think is over.

Neither one of you sounds like a healthy partner for the other, to be very honest.

Is this your first serious relationship? 

I don’t know, when you get to the point that you need to ask your partner to take a polygraph to trust that you can trust what they are saying… I think the relationship is over. What are you fighting to keep exactly - this sounds like a very unhappy and unhealthy attachment. What does your therapist say? 

Edited 7 hours ago by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

You are going to break up with her because of the way she was standing close to a guy in pictures?

OK.   

To me it sounds like she didn't go anywhere with whatever kind of attraction was there and like she said she "chose you."

Also since you were practicing your gambling addiction and all that other crap.   If she found herself getting close with someone at work in the midst of all that - I can understand it.  The main thing is that she cut it off.

You really treat this woman terribly and for her sake, I do think it would be a good idea for you to move on.  This is not because she won't quit her job.  It's because she deserves better than what you've given.   And you had her take a polygraph??  

Please stay in therapy, continue to work on yourself, and let her move forward.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Mikejacson said:

I told her to quit her job or I am leaving her but she won’t.

You gave her an ultimatum and she gave you her response.   She chose her job over you.

So the only thin you can do now is pull up your big boy pants, stay true to your word and leave her.  

[S2B]

It may be useful to take a long healthy break. Give it an extended break to see if you can gain clarity about how you really feel.

for me - since you gave the ultimatum and she won’t quit - that would tell me that it’s over!

she didn’t respect you. She didn’t honor you. And now she isn’t doing what’s necessary to help you gain trust back in her.

nope - I’d end it. She may love you but not enough to fix what wrong doings she has created.

[Gebidozo]

I hope I’m wrong, but, judging from your description, this relationship is already over.

You treated her badly. That caused her to start losing her feelings for you. She developed feelings for another man. You gave her an ultimatum, job or you. She chose the job.

Honestly, I don’t know whether things still can be fixed. Perhaps prolonged, intense couples therapy might help.

If one partner makes the other do a polygraph test, it spells “game over” to me.