Did I overreact?

[KayleighL2358]

My partner and I went out last night for me to meet his friends and their girlfriends for the first time. He was meeting their partners for the first time too. 

We’ve had a rough couple of weeks having to deal with a big life change so I would say our relationship is sensitive right now. I’d asked yesterday for a little more love and reassurance due to this. 

In the first few bars he was attentive, touchy feely and present around me although we were talking to others and engaging in the group. 

In the last bar, where we spent most of the night, we were table seated and he was positioned inbetween me and one of the other girlfriends with the majority of the group at that other end of the table. 

He had his back to me most of the time talking to his partners girlfriend, wasn’t touching me or checking in etc or trying to expand the conversation to include me. I made an effort to try and join in but it was hard being isolated at the end. There was only one other person close by for me to speak to but he was some distance away and there was only so much we could talk about. 

I suggested we move tables to somewhere more inclusive which we did but again my partner turned his body away from me and spoke to the other girl. I had spent time getting to know her so felt like we were getting on well but now I again was left out of the conversation. If he went to the bar he’d offer her a drink first. 

I sent him a message through the night which he saw but it didn’t change anything. It only led to a big row when we got home with him saying I was being out of order.

Im a grown woman who can hold her own but don’t think it’s too much to ask for your partner to extend conversations to include you or at least check in every so often? 

He’s really annoyed with me. I’ve made it clear I don’t think he was flirting but that’s all he sees it as now whereas to me it made no difference that it was a girl, I just felt left out. I know he was making an effort with his friend’s partners which is important too but he often goes out of his way to please everybody else. 

I feel like I should have still felt like a priority while he had a good time. But if I’m out of order then I’ll own it 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, KayleighL2358 said:

I sent him a message through the night

Wjat did you say in this message? 

I don't blame you for feeling left out, but I also think more context about your relationship would help frame this particular night. 

8 minutes ago, KayleighL2358 said:

We’ve had a rough couple of weeks having to deal with a big life change so I would say our relationship is sensitive right now. I’d asked yesterday for a little more love and reassurance due to this. 

What is this big life change and how has it affected your relationship? 

[KayleighL2358]

I said I felt like I was being left out and he was making more of an effort with other people. I asked him to talk to me and did I need to swap places for him to acknowledge me. I get it wasn’t the most mature thing to do but several drinks in and a lot of emotions. 
 

We have recently moved in together. He’s found it an adjustment and feels a bit unsettled. I feel insecure that he’s fully happy and excited so this has obviously been weighing on my mind 

[firstrelationship10]

I'm no expert but this is a hard one, i don't think you necessarily overreacted, he probably overreacted a little thinking 'oh here we go, she is thinking i'm flirting with other girls!!"

Was he drunk as well?

Perhaps next time, you could bring it up the next day instead of having a row when you both got home, and just say something like 'hey last night, i really wanted to spend more time talking to you, but it felt like i wasn't part of the conversation' something like that

i think the issue here isn't the reaction / who overreacted etc maybe more the communication?

[KayleighL2358]

Thank you, I think you’re right. He was drunk too. We’re both really sensitive people with anxious attachment styles so we very quickly go ‘end of the world’ with things. We definitely do need to work on managing that 

[Gaeta]

You went out, visited several places and you felt left out in that las bar.

You cannot be the center of his world 100% of the time. You need to give him some slack and you said you can be your own person well then this was the time to show it 

I agree confronting him right there on text was a bad idea. If you always point to him when he's not 100% attentive to you, no wonder living together has been a challenge. 

About you go to him and tell him you over reacted.

[KayleighL2358]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You went out, visited several places and you felt left out in that las bar.

You cannot be the center of his world 100% of the time. You need to give him some slack and you said you can be your own person well then this was the time to show it 

I agree confronting him right there on text was a bad idea. If you always point to him when he's not 100% attentive to you, no wonder living together has been a challenge. 

About you go to him and tell him you over reacted.

I think that’s a little harsh. I’m not asking for 100% of his attention, I’m asking to be included in a group conversation which I think is fully respectful. I hold my hands up that I didn’t communicate in the best way but to be barely spoken to in several hours isn’t okay in my eyes when you’re out with your partner 

[Gaeta]

28 minutes ago, KayleighL2358 said:

but to be barely spoken to in several hours isn’t okay in my eyes when you’re out with your partner

I did not understand he ignored you for several hours. The way you tell your story everything was ok until you get in that last bar, right?  How long did you stay in this last bar?

Edited January 19 by Gaeta

[KayleighL2358]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I did not understand he ignored you for several hours. The way you tell your story everything was ok until you get in that last bar, right?  How long did you stay in this last bar?

We were in the last bar for around 4 hours. Everything was perfectly fine before then but this last four hours was when we barely spoke or touched even though he was sitting next to me

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, KayleighL2358 said:

We were in the last bar for around 4 hours. Everything was perfectly fine before then but this last four hours was when we barely spoke or touched even though he was sitting next to me

4 hours! Wow! I thought maybe you were 1 hour or so at your last place. This is not nice on his part. 

Is he like that when he drinks in general?

Women usually have good intuition, why do you think he treated you this way?

[KayleighL2358]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

4 hours! Wow! I thought maybe you were 1 hour or so at your last place. This is not nice on his part. 

Is he like that when he drinks in general?

Women usually have good intuition, why do you think he treated you this way?

I think deep down I know it doesn’t come from a bad place. He’s very much a people pleaser and cares a lot about what people think of him so I think he would have just been trying to make a good impression himself. He said during our fall out that he’d been there for me while everyone got to know each other but then we were all there as a group and individuals. It’s as though he just counted me as another person present rather than his girlfriend. He has an issue with how people view him so for example, if we’re on holiday he’ll be anxious about asking strangers to take our picture because he thinks it’s embarrassing. 
 

He describes himself as a ‘simple man’ who doesn’t really do complicated or stress so only thinks about one thing at once if that makes sense. 

[Gaeta]

How long have you been together?

[KayleighL2358]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How long have you been together?

A year next month 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, KayleighL2358 said:

A year next month 

Ohhh kayleigh why did you move in so soon? You don't know him a lot and moving in together too early can ruin something that would have been great if given enough time to grow. 

May l ask how old you are both?

[Gebidozo]

Without context, I’d say that yes, overreacted. It’s completely normal for a partner to pay attention to other people when you go out.

However, I think 4 hours of ignoring is too much. Also, I can’t fathom why anyone would want to sit in one bar for 4 hours…

The main issue, of course, that you generally feel left out and ignored. I dare say you moved in too fast, at the stage relationships are still basically in a test zone.

[KayleighL2358]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Ohhh kayleigh why did you move in so soon? You don't know him a lot and moving in together too early can ruin something that would have been great if given enough time to grow. 

May l ask how old you are both?

We’re both 31 and have been in long term relationships before, we both felt ready and that it was the right thing to do

[Gaeta]

What has been difficult with moving in together? 

[KayleighL2358]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What has been difficult with moving in together? 

His house sale hasn’t completed yet (he’s moved into mine as it’s bigger) so he feels stressed with that hanging over him. He also says his biggest emotion is fear. Last time he went through a breakup he ended up back in his mums spare room and he’s terrified that will happen again. I’ve been excited and happy for this time but I feel like the only one so it’s knocked my confidence but then I fully appreciate why he’s feeling overwhelmed 

Edited January 19 by KayleighL2358

[Gaeta]

Why not just rent his house for a couple of years while you test road this relationship? I own my home and l would never ever sell it for a relationship of 1 year! Have you seen a financial advisor? If he got in trouble before for moving in with a woman too fast why does he do it again? Why isn't he more cautious!

[Els]

Without any further context, I think it's normal for your partner to focus on other people when you're out, particularly if they don't get the chance to meet up with these people very often. Honestly sometimes H and I end up on totally different sides of the table, and that's fine. We're together for hours every single day - it's okay for us to focus on other people for a few hours a week/month.

That being said, it's a bit strange that he was spending 4 hours talking to ONE person - with that person being his friend's girlfriend. I would see it as completely normal if he was spending the time with his mates for instance (which is what H usually does), but only talking to one woman the whole time would be a yellow flag for me.

So I don't necessarily think that it's "nothing", it depends on what else is going on in your relationship and how you feel about things otherwise. Keep an eye on things, but don't turn this molehill into a mountain is my advice.

[Acacia98]

His reaction to your speaking up is what has stuck with me. Honestly, I'd not make a big deal about this instance. I'd take a step back and observe how he treats me in social situations going forward.

[KayleighL2358]

To keep you all updated he came back tonight and said he’d made the decision to go back to his and take his house off the market. He isn’t ready to move in or to take the risk of selling his house when we have things to work on

[ExpatInItaly]

37 minutes ago, KayleighL2358 said:

To keep you all updated he came back tonight and said he’d made the decision to go back to his and take his house off the market. He isn’t ready to move in or to take the risk of selling his house when we have things to work on

Wow. 

Your uneasy feelings surrounding his response to living together were bang-on: he was not ready for that step. This recent disagreement about this night at the bar just brought out what's apparenly been bubbling under the surface for a little while. 

It sounds as though he didn't really know how to put the brakes on living together and  maybe he has doubts about the relatinship in general. Perhaps he got defensive about being accused of flirting (even if you didn't accuse him of that) because he was indeed attacted to this other woman and not that interested in you - and he knows it. 

I'm sorry. I don't think this relationship is going to last. 

[Lotsgoingon]

This is a tricky one. I can see where you felt abandoned at the last party. BTW: what the heck were you doing there for four hours? (You don't have to answer.)

There are different views about how close a couple should stay together at a party. For someone like me, the whole point of going to a party is to interact with OTHER people, not really my partner. Now, because these folks were HIS friends, I do think he could have checked in more with you to make sure you were feeling OK and not ignored and out of place.

Back to the four hours--I'm changing my thinking. He should have definitely checked in with you during this time. And at one extreme, it could be a sign of him not feeling great about your relationship. I wonder if he's feeling suffocated (note: lots of folks can feel suffocated without their partner doing anything close to suffocating them). 

Now, you also have to step up to protect and care for yourself. An hour into being ignored, you want to stand up and walk around the table and say something like, "I want to meet some of you guys and talk to you." And you join another conversation. Waiting for your bf to rescue you is not healthy--you're acting powerless.

Also, don 't stay four hours if you're being ignored or if you FEEL like you're being ignored. Call an uber and go. At two hours. Go! I also don't like you asking for extra reassurance. It's better to just tell him you're feeling out of place or scared--and let him on his own soothe you. And keep in mind: you always want to think about soothing yourself. 

Asking him for reassurance is like me being at work with an equal co-worker and asking that co-workers to reassure me that they think I'm doing good work. I don't want to give a coworker that power. In my personal relationships asking for reassurance has NEVER worked for whoever was asking for it. Now, let’s say you recently had some kind of serious medical diagnosis, then it’s OK to ask for reassurance. 

Overall, I think you guys moved in together far too soon. You needed to make sure he had resolved some of those fears he had. I'm not sure this guy is ready for a close intimate relationship. I suggest you refocus your thinking. Ask yourself (with ruthless honesty) if this guy can give you what you want. 

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, KayleighL2358 said:

To keep you all updated he came back tonight and said he’d made the decision to go back to his and take his house off the market. He isn’t ready to move in or to take the risk of selling his house when we have things to work on

Please let him.

This is the smart thing to do.

What you've seen lately is his true color, do not ignore it, or excuse it. You need to know him better before you move in and tangle your finances together.