lucy_1984 Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 Bit of a difficult one here... I've been dating my new partner for over 2 years now. It's been fantastic but we've been having to do it long distance as I live two and a half hours away from her so we see each other every month or so for the weekend. I have three children with my ex husband and he is a great dad to them. I've spoken to him about relocating to be near her (my family live in the same town) so it's not just for her but I doubt I'd be contemplating it if I hadn't met her. He isn't thrilled about it but would allow me to do it if I chose to. My children are settled in their schools and have their friendship groups here but I'd like to be closer to my family because of the divorce and the fact that we moved to this area for my husband's job. My new partner is of course very keen for me to do this. She worries about how the children will be having to leave their lives here and their friends but of course wants me to be close to her (and eventually we'd move in together). We were discussing the logistics the other day and I asked how she'd feel about coming here to live instead. She said she loves me a lot but wouldn't be able to move away from her Mum. Her Mum lost her Mum last year and she couldn't take her son's away from their Nanny. Her Mum has also had cancer, is in total remission but you just never know if it'll come back. She's told me she wouldn't move up here to be with me if I couldn't move for whatever reason and now I'm a little bit at a loss as to what to do. I know she loves her Mum dearly (having lost my Mum 3 years ago) I know how much you love your Mum but am I putting too much into this relationship? If she wouldn't contemplate moving here for me should I be thinking of doing what I'm thinking of doing? Please don't think I'm saying that her Mum isn't important or her relationship with her grandchildren isn't but we are only two and a half hours away from her. If it came to it and if it meant she'd have to move so we could be together it sounds as though she wouldn't do it. Am I being unfair in being a tad upset by this? We've been together for over two years and talk regularly about how we are our forever person but I'm not sure she's into it as much as I am? Thoughts please. Thank you ❤️ Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 (edited) It's perfectly normal to be disappointed, but what she says is understandable. Just as it's understandable that you don't want to uproot your own children. FWIW my partner and I have been toying with the idea of moving interstate (1.5hr flight or 1000km) because it looks like our daughter is moving there and I don't want to be a stranger to my future grandbabies. But my dad is losing his memory and mum is struggling and I can't in good conscience leave my sister to deal with it on her own. I need to be able to make regular visits and give support. I will likely rethink the idea when my parents have passed The older we get, the more complicated our lives become Edited January 20 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 So you met her 2 years ago and been seeing each other every month or so. That means you have seen each other 24 times, more or less. This is not enough time together to go ahead and uproot your children. Why not invite gf and her mom to move to where you are? Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 (edited) On 1/20/2025 at 10:02 PM, lucy_1984 said: We were discussing the logistics the other day and I asked how she'd feel about coming here to live instead. She said she loves me a lot but wouldn't be able to move away from her Mum. Her Mum lost her Mum last year and she couldn't take her son's away from their Nanny. Her Mum has also had cancer, is in total remission but you just never know if it'll come back. She's told me she wouldn't move up here to be with me if I couldn't move for whatever reason and now I'm a little bit at a loss as to what to do. I know she loves her Mum dearly (having lost my Mum 3 years ago) I know how much you love your Mum but am I putting too much into this relationship? If she wouldn't contemplate moving here for me should I be thinking of doing what I'm thinking of doing? Please don't think I'm saying that her Mum isn't important or her relationship with her grandchildren isn't but we are only two and a half hours away from her. If it came to it and if it meant she'd have to move so we could be together it sounds as though she wouldn't do it. Am I being unfair in being a tad upset by this? We've been together for over two years and talk regularly about how we are our forever person but I'm not sure she's into it as much as I am? Thoughts please. Thank you ❤️ I think that this is why people generally prefer not to do long distance dating, and, if they choose to go ahead with it, they have conversations about what's possible and what's not right at the beginning. Waiting until you're heavily invested to discuss the subject in depth inevitably leads to misunderstandings, resentment, and disappointment. It sounds like she's realistic. She understands what possible and what isn't. It also sounds like she isn't afraid of being honest with you about it. You should appreciate that for the simple reason that many people lie about this kind of thing in order to keep a relationship going. Others seem open to the idea of moving when you have the discussion but really haven't thought about how a move would change their lives. When they finally get down to thinking about it, they're suddenly no longer open to the idea of moving. As a result, you feel like they have deliberately misled you. So if you are with someone who has the capacity to look ahead and plan for the future and is honest enough to tell you the truth, you should appreciate that. At least you now have the capacity to plan for your own future and to decide whether it's worth your while to continue dating her. Btw, you have every right to your feelings, whatever they happen to be. Edited January 25 by Acacia98 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 I don't think either of you should move. Your partner is rightly concerned about her mother and you would be not only uprooting your kids from their school and friends but placing them 2.5+ hours away from their dad. While I think kids can replace friendship groups (easier/harder depending on age), impacting the time they have with their father is a big deal, imo. Not sure of your kids' ages but perhaps you can revisit moving once they are out of school. Link to post Share on other sites
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