Unread Message from Ex-Situationship Re-Opened Old Wounds, Struggling to Cope

[MissArgyle]

Hi there! I'm feeling shaken up after recently coming across a message my ex-situationship had sent shortly after we split. Looking for some words of encouragement and advice on how I can pull myself out of this slump.

Tl;dr: I (late 20s) was good friends with a guy (early 30s) some years ago. Life pulled us in separate directions, but a few years ago, we reconnected.

I thought we were developing a romantic connection. He asked multiple times if I was "seeing" anyone, to which I said no. But looking back, I see that it was a bunch of love bombing and hot and cold behavior. He never made good on any promises and strung me along with "pretty words" for several months. For example, he said he wanted to do something together for Valentine's but completely ghosted the day of. I think I put up with it for so long because I thought I could trust him as a friend. Like a fool, I kept making up excuses for his behavior. 

I became constantly anxious whenever talking to him because I never knew where I stood/he was making his intentions unclear. Finally, I had had enough and sent him a final goodbye note, stating that I was disappointed by the hot and cold behavior. I cited specific examples and ended the note with, "I don't feel like I can trust you and I lost interest in wanting to stay in contact. I wish you all the best."

I've been NC for almost 2 years now and have healed a LOT. My self-esteem has improved a lot, and I'm leveling up in other areas of my life. 

I opened up an old messaging app just yesterday and stumbled across a message from him that had been sent right after I cut contact. It was to the tune of, "I want to apologize for any confusion caused. I never meant to hurt you. I wish you had brought it up sooner instead of choosing to bottle it up. I wish we would have talked about this like actual adults. It's not fair that you expect me to read your mind. How am I supposed to know how you felt? I'm here if you want to talk about it, but otherwise I will respectfully keep my distance."

That kind of dug up some old wounds: anger, anxiety, stress, grief. I feel like he is putting all the blame on me and making it seem like I'm crazy/heartless. I'm going to stay no contact but I'm really feeling torn up today. 

Edited January 20 by MissArgyle

[basil67]

34 minutes ago, MissArgyle said:

I opened up an old messaging app just yesterday and stumbled across a message from him that had been sent right after I cut contact. It was to the tune of, "I want to apologize for any confusion caused. I never meant to hurt you. I wish you had brought it up sooner instead of choosing to bottle it up. I wish we would have talked about this like actual adults. It's not fair that you expect me to read your mind. How am I supposed to know how you felt? I'm here if you want to talk about it, but otherwise I will respectfully keep my distance."

That kind of dug up some old wounds: anger, anxiety, stress, grief. I feel like he is putting all the blame on me and making it seem like I'm crazy/heartless. I'm going to stay no contact but I'm really feeling torn up today. 

Many breakups happen because of actions/inactions from both parties.   It's quite possible that both of you could have done better

Does he have a point?  For example, did you confirm that he'd booked Valentines and ask about a time?   And if he didn't book it, did you tell him that you were sad that he mentioned Valentines but ultimately didn't do anything?  That said, if he told you the time he'd pick you up and was a no-show on the day, that's when you know to ignore anything he says in future 

It so important to advocate for ourselves while in a relationship.  

 

Edited January 20 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

Look how emotionally manipulative he is:

2 hours ago, MissArgyle said:

"I want to apologize for any confusion caused. I never meant to hurt you. I wish you had brought it up sooner instead of choosing to bottle it up. I wish we would have talked about this like actual adults. It's not fair that you expect me to read your mind. How am I supposed to know how you felt? I'm here if you want to talk about it, but otherwise I will respectfully keep my distance."

He starts with an apology, only to bombard you with accusations right afterwards.

Notice how he doesn’t even address the actual issue. He offers no explanation for his strange behavior and simply tries to pin everything on you.

Few things scream “bullshit” louder than a meaningless apology that turns into a guilt trip.

[flitzanu]

saying "situationship" sounds like you were having no strings sex with this guy and he wouldn't commit to you and didn't have feelings. 

if that's the case, you didn't do anything wrong by distancing yourself, and all his words are just empty anyway.