Did I do the right thing.

[J,W,T]

I need to first say I have never posted here, but I have been reading here for over 9 months. And everyone here seems to have really good advice and insight.

 

Ok this is going to be long I am sorry.

 

I have been separated for 13 months from my wife. She left Dec 7th last year. She said she didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce. But before that a year & half earlier she asked me to leave told me for almost a year she didn’t love me and didn't think we could be together anymore.

 

That we needed to separate and move on without each other. So I took it for what it was and did. I slept with another woman, how played my emotion through all of this. Wrong choose I admit. We agreed to tell everyone that I choose to leave the marriage, so that everyone wouldn’t look down on my wife for breaking up our marriage, our 7-year-old son included.

 

After about a month into me leaving my wife also started believing I was the one how left. I guess because she saw after the 3rd time of leaving me I was going to move on. She knew I was seeing someone but didn't know I slept with her.

 

After a month she talked me into coming back home to try and work on us. She asked me if I slept with the other woman and I told her no. I know this was the wrong thing to do I wish I had told her the truth right then, But I couldn't hurt her anymore. I left both my jobs because of the other woman. Stopped seeing everyone I knew from tough’s jobs. And came back home.

 

My wife worked hard on our marriage, gave me everything she could. Me on the other hand see now that all I did is use her, It took me 8 months to find another job. I will say I did try but without any luck. I found a job everything was back on track. We did thing together for the first time in our marriage she was telling me she loved me again. I thought everything was going to be ok boy was I wrong.

 

All this time I had friends stabbing in the back, telling my wife I cheated on her that I was still cheating on her. And while I wasn't working and she was I was bring women into our house. This was all lies and I confronted anyone how said this in front of my wife. I found out through all this that my wife for the past year hadn’t forgot about the other women and was trying to find out if I slept with her. Everyone told her I did but know one knew but me. And as I said I was not going to tell her after telling her I hadn’t.

 

Dec, 7th I get a call from work, It’s my wife telling me she found a house and was leaving me again for the fourth time. She told me she would be there when I got home if I could control myself in front of our son. I left work as soon as I hung the phone up. I get there an she has her hole family there cleaning out our house. She wouldn’t tell me anything just that she was done and didn't want anything to do with me.

 

After two months of begging and crying she said she was having the divorce papers written up and that was it. I lost it I ripped her a new one over the phone, I told her that I did sleep with the other women when she threw me out, and I agreed to give up because it was clear she didn't want to be married anymore if she was having papers written up. We didn't talk about us at all just our son after that. A month later I found out through my son that the house mommy moved into was a friends house from her work, All I heard about from my son was this other man every time he came to stay with me, it drove me crazy.

 

This man was buying things for my son, going shopping with them, visiting his parents everything. I confronted her about it. I told her I didn't want this other man buying things for my son that if he needed anything I would buy them he is my son. She told me he was just a friend and was just trying to be kind to my son and that he didn't live there with them. He just comes by to check on them every so often. They didn't listen so I told her to let the poor man that I would beat his ass if he bought anything else for my son. Yes he stopped or she stopped letting him.

 

Shortly after all of this my wife calls me on the phone one night crying and asking me if she can put the divorce papers on hold, that she wanted to move in with her parents and wanted to know if the mc was still an option. I told her it was and then asked her what was going on that none of this made any sense.

 

She said that she just wanted to give us a chance. Know the thing is when I threatened to wipe this mans ass my wife had to move out of his house and move into an apartment overtop of her shop.

Then moved back in a week later. Two months later back to her parents.

I am convinced there was something between them I just don't know how much.

 

We started going to mc a lot of feeling came out, I found out my wife didn't trust me anymore understandable after what I did. I found out she didn't think her and my son where top priority over my family and myself.

Didn’t think I could survive with out her there cleaning up after me, More so financially. We went to mc for about 8 months I really thought we were going somewhere with it. Then for the past two months we haven't been going. She says that she doesn’t have the money I told her I would pay for it, But she will not setup the appointments. And with her schedule she has to setup the appointments.

 

I myself have become a better person through this thing. Weather it be from reading here or marriage counseling. For the most part we are doing better we talk nice to each other over the phone or in person. She tells me she loves me and I the same after conversation. Beyond that that is all we do is small talk, nothing about us and where we are going. When I try to talk to her about her feeling and where we are going with this she tells me she doesn’t know what’s going through her head. I would think after thirteen months we would be at appoint where We could try to start over. Or at least do thing together go out. But we still do not.

 

She tries her best not to be alone with me. If we go out it has to be with our son. We can’t ever go to dinner alone. Thanksgiving was horrible without my family. Christmas was a flop again this year. New years was the best day of my 13 months alone. My wife did spent the night at my place with me and son. She tried to sleep in the same bed with me for about an hour then moved to the couch for the rest of the night. No there was no sex. Which I was ok with I was just so happy to have her under the same roof.

 

Now that that is out of the way here is my question.

Before new years night I decided to give her an ultimatum because nothing else was working. She seemed happy the way things wore like she didn’t have to work on us.

As long as she was there and I was here and we got along kinda like friends would.

 

I told her that she had to come up with a decisions once and for all we could not keep going like this, That after 13 months we should be able to move forward a little. I gave her till the end of January to make up her mind on what she wanted. Or I had to start moving on with my life.

Was this the Write thing to do is 13months enough how long does something like this take when both people tell each other that they love each other with all there heart and couldn’t imagine there life with out one another in it.

 

I understand how choppy this is and hope you can make heads or tails of it. Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks

[jmargel]

Sounds like you two have come & gone with this marriage the past year. Are you sure this OM is out of her life? Sounds like she might be hiding something in regards to him possibly in the past when he was over at her place, etc..

 

I would sit her down and tell her something to this regard: "If there is anything you want to tell me regarding the past please tell me now. I will listen and not be judgemental". "I feel like there is something blocking us from going to the next step and until we get over that hurdle we are going to be stuck like this which is something I don't want".

 

You just have to be ready if she admits to sleeping with this guy. Setup an appointment for you both in regards to the counseling. Keep going. Perhaps a few sesions by herself might do her good.