Am I making a fool of myself?

[Hopeless_Soul]

To preface, I've never been one for long-distance relationships and I wasn't looking for one. But over the last couple of years, I've been talking to a girl online. It started friendly and platonic, but over time it turned flirty. We'd spend hours talking almost every night about life, about everything. One day, when we were in a group chat, someone assumed we were a couple. We'd never officially said so, so when it was just us, I asked her what we were.

She struggled with it for the rest of the night, typing messages and deleting them. Eventually she tells me that she's been falling in love with me and that scares her because of how her last relationship ended. She dated a guy for five years who ended their relationship by telling her he fell out of love with her and went on to list out everything he found annoying about her or that he didn't like about her that he believed led to him losing feelings to her. Although she's been single for over three years, I guess she didn't really get over that. Nonetheless, she says she wants to be a couple.

She comes from an unhealthy home environment and left to get away from her toxic family. She lives with a friend, who is an undocumented immigrant. So she doesn't have a job and her friend has trouble getting consistent work. They struggle to get by to the point they can't even afford to eat every day. She's cried to me multiple times about how much she hates it there and my heart ached for her. The most recent drama is that her family tells her she has to come home and sign a lease or they'll be evicted from their low-income housing (as far as I understand it). She has enough money to fly there to do that, but that's all of the money she has and has been depressed because she'll be trapped there with her toxic family.

Given that we took this step in our relationship, I offered to pay for her to fly to me after she's done helping her family. I tell her she can live with me and I have a friend that I know would give her a job if I asked. She doesn't have to be stuck with her family and she doesn't have to go back to poverty with her friend. At first, she said she didn't want to do that because she didn't want to create a financial burden for me. I, foolishly I know, explained that it wouldn't make a dent in my bank account. So she says she just loves where she lives and doesn't want to leave it. Odd thing for her to say now, all things considered. So I tell her that if she doesn't like being here, I'll pay to fly her anywhere she wants to go. Still, she refuses.

Now, she's never asked for anything before. I've ordered her a pizza once and bought her some cheap headphones when hers broke once. But that's it. And we've been talking for two years. I don't think she wants money from me or anything. But I also can't figure out why I can offer a solution to her every problem on a silver platter and she'd rather pretend she hasn't told me over and over again how much she wanted an escape. The only thing my mind keeps going back to is "Did she not mean what she said? Is the idea of having to see me worse than her abusive family and starving in a trailer?"

I've spoken in confidence with a couple of mutual friends who say they're convinced she loves me by how she talks about me when I'm not around. They say I should just give her space and time to figure things out. Maybe they're right. But I'd like as many viewpoints as I can get. On top of it all, ever since I brought up flying her out here, she barely talks to me. And all romance or flirting has entirely stopped on her part. It's only been a few days, though. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Anyway, what are your thoughts? Am I being dumb? What would you do?

Edited January 24 by Hopeless_Soul

[ExpatInItaly]

First and foremost, have you ever met her in person? 

[MsJayne]

Not what you want to hear, but I advise you to get on YouTube and watch some of the videos documenting how romance scammers operate, and also research their methods on the internet. They're in for the long haul if they think there'll be a decent pay-off at the end. You cannot love someone if you've never met them and spent time with them in person, and declaring love is one of the first thing scammers do. Telling you that she hates her life but also doesn't want to leave is a major, major indicator that you're being lined up as a patsy to make more cash donations. So far she's, (if it's even a 'she'), scammed you for the cost of a pizza and some headphones, so maybe stop there and minimise the damage. No offering to pay for flights, that's seriously foolish. She's indirectly hitting on you to pay her parents rent, ( I'll put $50 on that whole story being a load of horses**t 🙄). Sorry, but I think you're dealing with a scammer, and if you don't heed that you'll eventually wish you did. Maybe don't tell strangers on the internet that you have money. 

Edited January 24 by MsJayne
Grammar Error

[Maldives]

I think it's a big ask for you to think she will commit without even meeting. Talking is one thing but you need to date before moving so fast especially living together. Bottom line too big a ask and commitment. 

[Sony12]

It really is best you stop talking to this gal. You are buying things and offering to pay money to someone it doesn't seem you have ever met. And she is giving you all these sad stories to try to get you to feel sorry for her.

You don't really have any idea who this person actually is and you are offering for her to come live with you. 

[Georgia46]

Do you speak to her face to face … on FaceTime? 
 

have you ever met up with her offline in all the time you have been talking? 

[smackie9]

 She sufferers from some anxiety and is scared to take a risk, that's why she just "stuck". ....... you setting up her life for her, her moving to a strange place, in with someone she has never met, getting a new job, not knowing anyone, no family or friends....no I wouldn't accept such an offer either. Being a rescuer is unhealthy. Being supportive yes! when she is read to make a move or take a step is where you need to be at... but when it does happen it may not be in your favour so that is the risk you take. You can't force her to do anything, so leave it at that. 

Edited January 24 by smackie9

[Calmandfocused]

Op you need to get real. You’re about to be scammed. 
 

Everything you said is classic set up for a scam. You’re being manipulated 

If something doesn’t make sense it is not true. 

Do not give her money. Get your head back into reality. 

[flitzanu]

agreeing with the others, sounds like you've never met this person in real life and they aren't who they claim they are.

[ShyViolet]

Why on earth would you try to start a relationship with someone who right off the bat would be financially dependent on you and basically using you for a place to stay?  You are lucky that she turned down your offer instead of being a scammer who would jump at the chance to use you for money.  Why is she living like this and why does she not have a job?  Does it really sound like a good idea to start a relationship with someone whose life is in shambles, doesn't work and apparently hasn't been responsible in life?  And it sounds like you have never met this girl in person.  It's incredibly foolish and crazy to offer to pay for flights for someone you have never met in person, let alone give them an offer to move in with you.  You badly need to come back to reality and have better common sense.