Pain in Paradise Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Ahghghhhhrrrrrr. So I have a couple of questions, it is nice to have this board because I don’t feel like I can talk to any friends about this. First some background, I have a boyfriend of 10 yrs, a high school sweetheart that is really the love of my life. We are a perfect match and as we have changed over the years we have changed together. Other than what I am going to tell you about in this post we have no issues. We have never cheated on each other and I believe he wants to be entirely monogamous. We share a computer and much like many stories on the board I was looking up stuff on the internet and found porn sites pop up in the explorer bar. Now okay I’m not one of those super anti-porn people. I am open minded and understand that guys just look at porn. Of course in a perfect world I wouldn’t want him to do it because it does make me feel insecure but in the real world I know it doesn’t mean anything other than eye candy. I have in fact told him that it is okay with me as long as he is honest about it. For some reason he is always embarrassed and tries to hide it from me which makes me uncomfortable. Anyway I got curious and a bit naughty and started to snoop. I was shocked to find a hidden folder on his computer with a huge collection of downloaded porn (2gigs). Not really sex videos but tons of naked girl photos and when I looked through the history I found that he really looks a lot more often then I thought he did. So my first question is ….how much is really normal? He spends a couple of hrs a few times a week just in the last few months (his porn folder was just created then) which to me seems a bit excessive…. I was happy to find there was no odd fetish porn or anything but where is the line drawn between porn admirer and porn addict? So okay I could get over all of that not the end of the world but here is the part that I am beyond traumatized about. He has a digital camera with an amazing zoom lens and is also a surfer so he goes to check out the waves on a regular basis and takes pictures. Well, along with taking photos of the waves he takes photos of girls on the beach. Close up topless sun bathers, girls asses, girls playing in the surf. Ughhhhh it was just on 4 occasions…one of which when we were on vacation together… but that he did it at all and saved the photos in his special folder just makes me sick to my stomach. I confronted him about it and told him that I thought it was disrespectful to me and beyond that degrading to women who have no idea he is taking the photos. He said he understands and promises not to do it again and it was just fun to look at and meant nothing. He seems very sincere. To me this is taking the eye candy thing to a whole new level. It is one thing to just look ….another to take pictures and another to save them! I was even standing next to him on some of these occasions having no idea…What do all of you think? Does this seem like a form of betrayal / cheating to you or just another stupid guy thing? What do the men especially think, do any of you do this? I am shocked and hurt but this is not worth ending our relationship over I just don’t have any idea how to get past it….I keep being paranoid that he is always going out to take more…ugh help THANKS for all advice Link to post Share on other sites
random tears Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 You see, a classic example of the meaning of “excess and moderation”… You dealt with the fact that pretty much all men look at porn and so you chose not to make it an issue. Instead of being lucky that he has such an understanding girlfriend, he totally crosses the line. I think part of the reason that some women are okay with their SO’s looking at porn is because the women in the porn do not seem real. I mean, how often do you actually meet someone who says “I am a porn star” (and they really mean it) when they are asked what they do for a living? And for the men, that’s what they are too, a fantasy. Not real. Even though we know they are real, obviously. In my opinion, he crossed the line. Looking at pictures of people you will probably never see in your lifetime is different than scoping out women that you could possibly run into in your lifetime and taking inappropriate pictures of them for means to gratify yourself sexually (while your SO is standing right there) is degrading, perverted, disrespectful and uncalled for. The women in the porn pictures are posing SPECIFICALLY for men to gratify themselves. The women at the beach are not. In fact, if you want to get technical, it is probably illegal. Havent you seen the talk shows on TV about women who have felt violated because of these issues? In my opinion, I would take MAJOR offense to this. You are well within your reason if you make this an issue. This is definitely something I would do battle over. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 . . . it's a problem. You confronted him, he promised not to do it again, he seems very sincere according to you. I wouldn't make a big deal about it unless the behavior continues. As an individual and a guy this behavior strikes me as a stupid guy thing unless it continues and then I'd find it disturbing. I don't think of it as a form of cheating but I can empathize with your reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Nicholas Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 I have in fact told him that it is okay with me as long as he is honest about it. For some reason he is always embarrassed and tries to hide it from me which makes me uncomfortable. That "some reason" is called privacy. It's normal for him not to want you to know about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 My wife is uptight about a lot of things, but not my porn collection. Part of the reason she's OK about it is that I think she's entitled to watch it just as much as I am. Upon returning from past business trips, I've come home to stories of how she entertained herself with Spice Channel movies and big penis websites. I'd tell your bf you're cool with him taking photos if he's OK with you doing the same thing with the men you see at the beach. Link to post Share on other sites
Pain in Paradise Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 In my opinion, I would take MAJOR offense to this. You are well within your reason if you make this an issue. This is definitely something I would do battle over. Thank you!! We did do some battle over this and now I am trying to move forward Link to post Share on other sites
Pain in Paradise. Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 . As an individual and a guy this behavior strikes me as a stupid guy thing unless it continues and then I'd find it disturbing. I don't think of it as a form of cheating but I can empathize with your reaction. Thanks Craig, that really helps me out. My problem is that I don't want to be in one of those relationships where I feel like I need to spy on him or something but how will I know if it does happen again without checking up? Do I just trust his word? Link to post Share on other sites
Pain in Paradise.. Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 I have in fact told him that it is okay with me as long as he is honest about it. For some reason he is always embarrassed and tries to hide it from me which makes me uncomfortable. That "some reason" is called privacy. It's normal for him not to want you to know about it. okay point taken Link to post Share on other sites
Pain. in Paradise Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 I'd tell your bf you're cool with him taking photos if he's OK with you doing the same thing with the men you see at the beach. LOL so not going to happen. Me doing it too won't make me feel any better about him being an ass Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Porns one thing but taking pictures of women on a beach is wrong.He should know it!how would he feel if the tables was turned?! remember the saying 'treat others how you'd like to be treated'?He should follow that saying! Link to post Share on other sites
Starling2003 Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Not every guy does porn. My bf doesn't. I fee that porn is as disrespectful as him taking pics of girls at the beach. To me this is him not respecting you...does he not like your body? Does he not care about how you feel? If he were my bf I would dump him in a second. But that's just me. I think I deserve the best...and porn is not in the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 He said he understands and promises not to do it again and it was just fun to look at and meant nothing. It's fun to look, but taking pictures of women who become unwilling & unpaid participants of his porn collection is more than a bit creepy in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 The fact that he seems to think he can indulge in actually breaking the law (it is against the law to take photos of people when they are unaware of it!). You have stated that you are not in fact okay with him looking at porn but accept it. Personally, I dont have a problem but you obviously do and you do have every right to ask of him that you have a porn free relationship, especially seeing as the length of time you have been with him. Impress upon him that you feel what he did was wrong and if you arent comfortable about him looking at porn then you dont have to put up with it, you shouldnt be the one doing all of the compromise. Besides this, I bet he is a decent guy, so perhaps some communication will result in a compromise you are both happy with. I took photos of myself and wrote a few sexy fantasies and gave them to my boyfriend as a nice little present. Good luck honey Link to post Share on other sites
ve77 Posted January 29, 2006 Share Posted January 29, 2006 1. Not every guy does porn. My bf doesn't. 2...does he not like your body? I QUOTE] 1. That's what he tells you...let me guess you also believe that he never looks at other woman or fantasizes about other woman when he's with you 2. He can love his girlfriends bosy and still like looking at porn.One has NOTHING to do with the other \ ****** With that said, taking picture sof strangers w/o their knowledge os freaky. I would run as fast as I could. This is beyond porn, it's allmost Peeping Tom behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
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