spyderfan Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 Apologies if this isn't in the right thread, I feel like I could post in multiple. Here we go.. I (37F) have been married to my spouse (40M) for 5 years, together for 7 years. We have an almost 3 year old. I had an emotional affair for the better part of a year, and DD was a year ago. I have been secretly talking to my AP for the past year and have decided I no longer want to be with my husband and wish to pursue a relationship with my AP. My husband has done all the things that I previously wanted him to fix, but I feel it's all too little too late. I still hold resentment for how he acted while I was pregnant (drinking too much, for starters) and I just can't seem to get past it. My attraction to him has also never been the same for the past almost 3 years. Here's my issue. I'm so worried to just say I want a divorce because in the past he's said no matter the issue, he loves me more than life and we can work on anything. If I tell him I don't love him anymore or like I used to, his reply is that I'm just not trying hard enough. When I tell him I'm not attracted to him anymore, he again says I'm not trying and I need to let down my guard. We get along and parent ok together, I reluctantly have sex once a month. To me, we feel like roommates. He thinks things are much better than they are. I'm hurting this man no matter what I do. Stay and hurt him because I'm not giving him what he needs or go and hurt him because, well, I'm leaving. My problem isn't so much saying the words, it's the action afterwards that I have a hard time following through on. How in the world do I do the damn thing and move on? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 It sounds a little like you're waiting for husband's permission to end the marriage....but he's not going to give it. So it's up to you to tell him how it's going to be, and stand strong in your actions. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 2 hours ago, spyderfan said: If I tell him I don't love him anymore or like I used to, his reply is that I'm just not trying hard enough. When I tell him I'm not attracted to him anymore, he again says I'm not trying and I need to let down my guard. We get along and parent ok together, I reluctantly have sex once a month. To me, we feel like roommates. He thinks things are much better than they are. Well, he is obviously wrong. You don’t love him anymore and divorce is a sensible option when people find themselves in a loveless marriage. He is in denial. You can’t wait for him to face and accept reality. Some people prefer to believe in an illusion and to live their whole life in a lie. If divorce is what you want, go through with it. You don’t need your husband’s permission for it. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 Would you want to end the marriage if the AP wasn't on the scene? I'd think hard about giving up the guy that you once loved enough to marry him to be with the kind of guy who pursues another guy's wife, he's a sleazy piece of work no matter what spin you put on it. If you must break up your family, do it kindly and with respect, put your daughter's well-being ahead of your own, because if you act with only your own happiness in mind the karma train will unexpectedly arrive in your station one day. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tzorno Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 As MsJayne stated, what kind of person persues a married person knowing full well that it's only going to lead to a family being torn apart and people being hurt? I'll tell you what kind of person does that because my ex-wife is living with one now. That person has zero regards for anybodys feelings except for his own. He doesn't care about the hurt your husband will go through, the family and friends, or even the child. He just wants what he wants and will do whatever it takes to get it. That's the person you will be with. If you have fallen out of love with your husband, do the right thing before the so called emotional affair goes any further. You might as well come clean about that too as your husband is going to find out easily enough when you immediately go to him. Final words - be careful with what you are wishing for here as the grass is rarely greener on the other side. Nobody wants you to be miserable in your marriage, but try to look through the fog at the person you want to be with. Is that the kind of person you really want? Good luck 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 (edited) 14 hours ago, spyderfan said: My problem isn't so much saying the words, it's the action afterwards that I have a hard time following through on. How in the world do I do the damn thing and move on? Let your husband know you've been carrying on your previous emotional affair behind his back for the last year and I'm betting he will be willing to let you go. It will be a kindness for you to set him free to be with someone who actually loves and respects him. Edited January 26 by introverted1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted January 26 Share Posted January 26 If the AP was not on the scene would you be happy to leave your husband and your life to start all over again? you can be in a fog which when you come out the other side you can realise the grass isn’t always greener. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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