cosmo4444 Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 Hi, We are together 5 years. We were dating almost 2 months before becoming exclusive. The day we had the exclusive talk, I had asked her if she had been with anyone else, she said she had a drunken kiss at a bar after we had 3 dates and slept together once. Just recently she told me she had actually kissed a second guy on a night out 6 weeks into us dating.(we had 3 dates and slept together 3 times) He messaged her for a date but she didnt take him up on it. 2 weeks after this second kiss we were exclusive. If I had known that the day we had the exclusive talk that it was 2 kisses I think I would have stopped seeing her. But now we are together 5 years so I dont want to. Im really bothered she lied about the second kiss and with held it from me for years. Im not sure how to feel. When we were dating the first 4 weeks, we had one date a week as I was working in her area and living there temporarily, a week after I moved back home she had kissed the first guy although we had slept together once and had 3 dates. We didnt see each other for 3 weeks after I moved home and then i went to visit her , we had slept together then and 2 days later was the second kiss. I know im going around in circles, but im so annoyed she lied about it and only told me now about the second kiss. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 18 minutes ago, cosmo4444 said: If I had known that the day we had the exclusive talk that it was 2 kisses I think I would have stopped seeing her. Why? How are two kisses different from one kiss, about which you knew already? What does it matter to you what she did when the two of you weren’t exclusive? She wasn’t your girlfriend then and had no obligations to you. More importantly, why does it bother you so much now, after five years of relationship with her? If the only thing that you don’t like about her is her fooling around with more than one dude before she started seriously dating you, then you should consider yourself a lucky man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cosmo4444 Posted January 27 Author Share Posted January 27 @Gebidozo it is more so that she only told me now about the second kiss and always lied saying it was just one. I feel she should have been honest the day we spoke about it right before we became exclusive. But she lied and told me years later. I wouldn't have continued seeing her back then had I known. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 58 minutes ago, cosmo4444 said: I wouldn't have continued seeing her back then had I known. And again I ask: why? Why wouldn’t you have continued seeing her back then if you’d known she’d kissed 2 dudes and not 1 while you weren’t exclusive? How is kissing 2 guys under those circumstances fundamentally different from kissing 1 guy? Why did you care so much what she was doing while she wasn’t your girlfriend? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cosmo4444 Posted January 27 Author Share Posted January 27 (edited) @Gebidozo because the first kiss happened after only 4 weeks of knowing each other and slept together once. The second happened when we had 3 dates and slept together a 3 times. So we were more serious when the second happened. To be honest if she had told me now she had slept with someone else while we were dating i would end it regardless of 5 years together . Edited January 27 by cosmo4444 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 (edited) I don’t understand, you knew that she kissed a guy before you were officially dating… and now that you know she kissed two guys - before you were officially dating - you are doubting your relationship? I understand that you are upset that she lied. She clearly did it because she liked you and she didn’t want you to walk away. Was it wrong? Yes. Can I understand why she did it it? Yes. Is it forgivable - yes. It would be for me - if she has been a good and loyal girlfriend to you, if she doesn’t have a habit of lying to you about everything… have a talk with her so that she understands that honesty, trust, and loyalty are important things to you in a relationship (if she doesn’t know that already). And then, move on with your life and be happy. Edited January 27 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cosmo4444 Posted January 27 Author Share Posted January 27 @BaileyB yes you are right. I guess part of me wishes she saw it the same as me back then and liked me enough to not be with anyone else while we were dating. Now that we have worked out I guess it would be nice to know that since we first met we just wanted each other, but thats not the case. I guess a positive is she didnt sleep with anyone or go on a date with anyone else. She just drunkenly kissed 2 guys when we were dating and never saw them again. If she had slept with someone even while dating I wouldnt be able to move past it. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author cosmo4444 Posted January 27 Author Share Posted January 27 I guess when we met after a couple of dates she told me she had her visa to move to Australia. But we kept dating anyways. Then we really liked each other and after 2 months and having the exclusive talk we decided we would enjoy the 3 months together before she left and then do long distance. I guess she kept the second kiss from as she said the day we became exclusive she saw how disappointed my face was when she told me about the first and thought it was best to keep the second kiss from me then. Now that we are happily together 5 years I guess she just wanted to be transparant before marriage etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 1 hour ago, cosmo4444 said: To be honest if she had told me now she had slept with someone else while we were dating i would end it regardless of 5 years together Really? Even if she told you she did that when you weren’t exclusive? I guess this relationship doesn’t mean much to you if you’re willing to break up after 5 years over something she’d done before she committed to you. I think she deserves to know that you feel that way. She might make her decision accordingly then. I’d leave right away if I knew that my partner were willing to break up with me over something like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cosmo4444 Posted January 27 Author Share Posted January 27 @Gebidozo yes Im based in UK , so dating is different. Most wouldnt accept sleeping with others at the same time even if only dating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 She had already had sex with OP multiple times when she was kissing guy #2. Sure, they weren't officially exclusive, but this is a very legalistic interpretation. Or perhaps it is better expressed that my morals align with people who are implicitly exclusive once we have slept together. So while she didn't do anything wrong, per se, inasmuch as they had not had the exclusivity talk, I can understand why OP sees kiss 2 as different from kiss 1. His mistake was in not having the exclusivity talk sooner. Hers was to lie about something she must have known would be upsetting to OP (otherwise no need to lie). Link to post Share on other sites
Author cosmo4444 Posted January 27 Author Share Posted January 27 1 hour ago, cosmo4444 said: I guess when we met after a couple of dates she told me she had her visa to move to Australia. But we kept dating anyways. Then we really liked each other and after 2 months and having the exclusive talk we decided we would enjoy the 3 months together before she left and then do long distance. I guess she kept the second kiss from as she said the day we became exclusive she saw how disappointed my face was when she told me about the first and thought it was best to keep the second kiss from me then. Now that we are happily together 5 years I guess she just wanted to be transparant before marriage etc. @introverted1 not sure if you saw this. After our first few dates sleeping together I also moved back home (we knew each other 3 weeks at this stage). We didnt see each other for almost 3 weeks. The first kiss happened in the first week of those 3 and the second happened a couple of days after our first meeting in 3 weeks. I guess it may have looked like a fling when we first met, some fun while i was in the area . Maybe she didnt see it going anywhere at the time and also said she has messages from her and her friend , she told me she had asked her friend if she should ask me if we could be exclusive but didnt want to seem weird when she had planned on moving and didnt want to put that strict requirment on me when she was leaving. Her friend suggested discussing it after christmas that year , which is when we became exclusive. We hadnt met any of each others friends in the first 6 weeks, she said when she went visit me on the 21st December and met my friends again on the 28th 29th , she knew she wanted us to give it a go and be exclusive and do long distance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cosmo4444 Posted January 27 Author Share Posted January 27 Although we had agreed to be exclusive and decided that when she moved (her flight was due that april) we would do long distance. Turns out covid happened that march and she never went. I know she is a great trusting girlfriend after 1 year together i was deployed overseas for 7 months and she waited for me. 5.5 years later we are still together. Writing that makes me feel a bit silly now for overanalysing the kisses. Thanks everyone for your viewpoints. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 What prompted her disclosure? I can't understand why she'd drop this bomb after so many years Link to post Share on other sites
Author cosmo4444 Posted January 27 Author Share Posted January 27 @basil67 I guess she must have felt guilty about it and for not telling me Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 Well, I'm sorry to say that your relationship with her is not very valuable to you if you're prepared to dump her over this. Clearly her loyalty when you were deployed etc. is not enough to allow you to leave the past in the past and appreciate what you have in the present. Good luck in your future, you might not find a woman as good as this one again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 You seriously need to get a grip. It was a kiss and it was 5 years ago. It's pretty ridiculous that you are talking about the relationship potentially ending over this. On 1/27/2025 at 6:22 AM, cosmo4444 said: If I had known that the day we had the exclusive talk that it was 2 kisses I think I would have stopped seeing her. But now we are together 5 years so I dont want to. This is kind of a bizarre thing to say about your 5 year relationship, that you would have stopped seeing her in the beginning. An entire five year relationship has happened since then. You make it sound like this relationship doesn't mean much to you, if you would talk about it not existing so easily. Please don't get engaged if you value this relationship so little. It must not be such a great relationship if it's so easy for you to talk about the fact that you wish it had never happened. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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