To ask for a date or not?

[Ovaltine]

So I've been having a bit of a mental battle with myself the last little while. I recently bought a house in a small town and the realtor I had worked with is an incredible person. Throughout the whole buying process, we talked (text) quite frequently (not house related) about a number of topics (photography, hiking, hobbies, some more personal stuff, etc). I can imagine this usually isn't the case between buyer (client) and realtor, to be having conversations too far outside the transaction (though I could be wrong). I've learned we have a rather long list of common interests, which has further put me in this conundrum, and I don't know how to proceed (or if I should).

Part of the issue I'm facing is due to the fact that I was a client of hers. She has mentioned in the past that she had inappropriate clients and have had to walk away from them. I do not want to be another statistic where another client (now past client) flirts with or shows interest in her.

I also lack some confidence in this area. I've dated when I was younger, and have talked to other people in the last number of years, but not much has come of it. So this leads to part of the mental battle I'm having with myself.

Another issue I'm trying to get over is potentially the fact that I've waited too long. We have not talked much since closing (almost 3 weeks now), and I'm fearful that if there was any mutual interest from her, no longer exists. Or maybe that she was just being incredibly kind, although some parts of our conversations tell me otherwise.

So I'm not really sure what to do. This has been stuck in my head for some time, and I keep telling myself that I'm going to regret it if I don't ask for a date. But I'm trapped in this moral problem where I don't want to offend or hurt her in any way due to the nature of how and why we met.

I'm always willing to accept no for an answer, like any sane person should. But I can't bare the possibility that I might tarnish something.

Maybe I'm just too much in my own head. Any advice is welcome.

[ShyViolet]

Realtors act like they're your friend because they make a lot of money from these sales and they want to keep you happy and engaged.  They want your sale.  It sounds like she was just doing her job and being friendly, and you misinterpreted that.  When I bought my apartment, my realtor was super friendly, gave me rides in his car, bought me Starbucks, was available to text any time.  They do that because it's part of the job to be really friendly and available to you.  I suspect you are misinterpreting that.

3 hours ago, Ovaltine said:

She has mentioned in the past that she had inappropriate clients and have had to walk away from them. I do not want to be another statistic where another client (now past client) flirts with or shows interest in her.

She might have told you this in order to send you the message that she doesn't date clients.  I'm not sure why else she would have told you this.

[Ovaltine]

6 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Realtors act like they're your friend because they make a lot of money from these sales and they want to keep you happy and engaged.  They want your sale.  It sounds like she was just doing her job and being friendly, and you misinterpreted that.  When I bought my apartment, my realtor was super friendly, gave me rides in his car, bought me Starbucks, was available to text any time.  They do that because it's part of the job to be really friendly and available to you.  I suspect you are misinterpreting that.

That's a fair assessment and 99% of the time I'd agree, because I've dealt with realtors in the past and have experienced their generosity. However in this case it is beyond what I feel is typical. We've shared things we've done on a day to day basis. We've sent pictures back and forth, including a few more personal selfie type (and even including their friend) photos. We've gone about 2 weeks at one point chatting back and forth, and she even forgot to send me some details about the town I was moving to because we were so caught up in conversation. This all went on even after signing an offer which guaranteed the sale.

16 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

She might have told you this in order to send you the message that she doesn't date clients.  I'm not sure why else she would have told you this.

Quite possible, but this particular part was a result of a conversation we were having about the types of clients she's dealt with in the past. Not so much something she tossed in randomly.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to deviate from the fact that she is a realtor and has some obligation to be kind to complete a sale. But I'm trying to figure out if it makes sense personally and morally to move forward.

[basil67]

I'm having doubts about clients being inappropriate.  If she's like this (personal conversations, off topic photos) with you during her work, I imagine she's been like this with other men.  These other men, not surprisingly, confuse her actions with interest and ask her out.  And then she calls them inappropriate.

Further, that she hasn't spoken with you much since the house purchase tells me she needs that time to be wooing other clients.  A woman who is this forward would have no problem staying in contact with you if she wanted you to go on a date with her.

By all means, ask her out if you want.  But do be prepared to be put on her list of annoying men.

In all honestly, women who use attraction to secure a sale give the rest of us a bad name

 

 

[Ovaltine]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm having doubts about clients being inappropriate.  If she's like this (personal conversations, off topic photos) with you during her work, I imagine she's been like this with other men.  These other men, not surprisingly, confuse her actions with interest and ask her out.  And then she calls them inappropriate.

Further, that she hasn't spoken with you much since the house purchase tells me she needs that time to be wooing other clients.  A woman who is this forward would have no problem staying in contact with you if she wanted you to go on a date with her.

By all means, ask her out if you want.  But do be prepared to be put on her list of annoying men.

In all honestly, women who use attraction to secure a sale give the rest of us a bad name

 

It's on the level of sexual harassment than basic flirting/asking for a date. She and I are relatively young compared to the majority of her clients, and the nature of being in a small town is that everyone knows everyone. So there is a level of kindness (and professionalism) that needs to be maintained, otherwise the word will spread and you'd run out of work rather quickly.

The shared photos are kind of specific to interests we share (photography, hiking, hunting), compared to just random "hey, here's a picture of me" or "here's something I did, hope you like it" sort of things. It's more personal and on the topic of our conversations, rather than trying to grab attention or please the other.

She stopped by a week ago to grab a couple things, and we talked for about 20 minutes before she had left. She was interested in seeing what I had done since moving and was even interested to know about some of the things I had. She's mentioned working 6 days of the week and works late into the evenings at times, so the lack of communication is not all that surprising. I also have been giving space since closing, so I guess part of it is me as well. She does respond when I send her a message, so there isn't much of an issue with wanting to talk to me I'd say (although I can only guess). Just lack thereof.

I won't deny that women can dress in a way to aid them, and I won't deny that she is gorgeous. But she dresses in no way provocatively (from what I've seen personally).

Appreciate your input. Gives me some things to think about.

[Imogen_11]

So, this is one of the things you just need to do in order to find out. As in shoot her another message and invite her out. Sounds like you know or you are pretty sure that she's single.
You say you still talk/text occasionally, so if the opportunity comes up (i.e. if a casual invite would match the topic of your conversation somehow), just ask. That's all you can do, if you don't want to live with some sort of a "what if" predicament, I guess.  

She might or might not be cordial or flirty with all of her male clients, and yes, being friendly and going above and beyond as a realtor goes a long way. Most successful people in the industry know that. What she has mentioned about the occasional inappropriate client might be her way to "warn" you, but it could also be a sign of interest. It is unclear. You were part of that conversation directly. What's your impression?

[Ovaltine]

6 minutes ago, Imogen_11 said:

So, this is one of the things you just need to do in order to find out. As in shoot her another message and invite her out. Sounds like you know or you are pretty sure that she's single.
You say you still talk/text occasionally, so if the opportunity comes up (i.e. if a casual invite would match the topic of your conversation somehow), just ask. That's all you can do, if you don't want to live with some sort of a "what if" predicament, I guess.  

She might or might not be cordial or flirty with all of her male clients, and yes, being friendly and going above and beyond as a realtor goes a long way. Most successful people in the industry know that. What she has mentioned about the occasional inappropriate client might be her way to "warn" you, but it could also be a sign of interest. It is unclear. You were part of that conversation directly. What's your impression?

You're not wrong. I probably will never know unless she approaches me, or I take a leap of faith and go for it myself. I am fairly confident she is single, because she has mentioned "ex boyfriend" in a previous conversation, but has not mentioned any new relationship. Plans she's mentioned never included someone of that nature, and has only included friends. So there is a strong possibility.

The inappropriate client(s) conversation began when I (think) I asked her if she's had any really annoying clients. She mentioned she's walked away from clients before that has mistreated her. I expressed that is unfortunate that people try to hurt the ones trying to help you (never asking anything else), and she later then mentioned it's more perverted people. I left it at that. Pretty sure I was asking her about how she takes vacations when dealing with clients leading up to said vacation. So there's nothing that I believe I had said to prompt her to warn to me.

[Imogen_11]

1 hour ago, Ovaltine said:

So there's nothing that I believe I had said to prompt her to warn to me.

Doesn't sound like it. Good for you.
Are you connected through any social media by any chance? That might be another possible avenue.
Good luck!
 

[Ovaltine]

18 minutes ago, Imogen_11 said:

Doesn't sound like it. Good for you.
Are you connected through any social media by any chance? That might be another possible avenue.
Good luck!
 

I stay off social media, so our only method of communication is texting. No chance of sliding in the DMs... As people say now.

Thank you!

[Miss Chrysalis]

Well, I think you should go for it.  I bought a house over 10 years ago, became friends with my realtor, did things socially with her, and then used her again to sell my house recently.  We're still friends.

To me, it sounds like she's interested. And, as long as you'd accept a "no" graciously if that were to happen, go for it!! 

I'm currently in a similar situation (no house sale but a professional relationship of sorts) and wish he'd just ask me out on a date already :).

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Sony12]

She definitely sounds like a lady who uses her looks and charm to get sales. You have to remember most realtors work on a commission basis so she likely doesn't get paid much unless she makes a sale. 

Ask her out if you need to buy don't get your hopes up. Chances are other men have mistaken her trying to make a sale with genuine interest as well and that is where her saying other men have gotten inappropriate with her comes from. 

You probably need to ask her just so you can give yourself an answer but again don't get your hopes up. 

 

Edited January 29 by Sony12

[Sony12]

Also keep in mind that not only do these realtors want to get your sale but they also want you to tell others about them so then those people will come to them when they are looking for a house. So that is often a drive for them to act like they are friends with a client. A client will be more likely to spread the word of they feel a social connection to the realtor.

[Gaeta]

Eh! live and learn. Ask her out and you'll have your answer. You have nothing to lose. It could tarnish what? You have nothing. A couple of texts here and there is 'nothing'. 

[ShyViolet]

23 hours ago, Ovaltine said:

That's a fair assessment and 99% of the time I'd agree, because I've dealt with realtors in the past and have experienced their generosity. However in this case it is beyond what I feel is typical. We've shared things we've done on a day to day basis. We've sent pictures back and forth, including a few more personal selfie type (and even including their friend) photos. We've gone about 2 weeks at one point chatting back and forth, and she even forgot to send me some details about the town I was moving to because we were so caught up in conversation. This all went on even after signing an offer which guaranteed the sale.

Ok well then it sounds like you have your mind made up that she wasn't just being friendly as part of the job.  Then ask her out and you'll have your answer one way or the other.  You have nothing to lose so why not.

[Sony12]

If I had to guess this lady probably is already involved with someone. It would make complete sense for people who are trying to use their sex appeal to earn a living to not tell people they are off the market. As doing so could potentially make her lose a deal.

[Miss Chrysalis]

9 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Also keep in mind that not only do these realtors want to get your sale but they also want you to tell others about them so then those people will come to them when they are looking for a house. So that is often a drive for them to act like they are friends with a client. A client will be more likely to spread the word of they feel a social connection to the realtor.

 

But at the end of the day, this lady is also a human.  She's not only a realtor.  She may very well desire to date or have a relationship if she is indeed single.

[Sony12]

15 minutes ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

 

But at the end of the day, this lady is also a human.  She's not only a realtor.  She may very well desire to date or have a relationship if she is indeed single.

Well if that was the case she would have kept in contact after the sale was done. However the OP mentioned it has been weeks since they really talked much.

[Acacia98]

@Ovaltine, ask her out. I'm sure you can figure out a way to do so respectfully. Be prepared for the possibility that she will reject you.

I think it's great that you've waited until you're no longer her client and a few weeks have elapsed since your professional engagement with her ended.

[smackie9]

She's a sales person, and sales people, in order to do their job, is to be personable, friendly and emotionally connect in some way to gain confidence and trust. Her mentioning inappropriate clients in the past is her way of setting a boundary probably with all her male clients. She's smart to not get involved because real estate agents rely on repeat business/word of mouth and want to up hold their reputation. She doesn't $%^& where she eats so to speak. Now if you ran into her in a casual, non work setting like a wedding, party, vacation etc and she is receptive to having dinner with you then sure go for it. 

Edited January 30 by smackie9