This Relationship Is Driving Me Crazy, Should I Walk Away?

[ExpatInItaly]

I would block her, personally. 

There is nothing to be gained from being subjected to a barrage of pointless messages. 

[BulletDodged]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would block her, personally. 

There is nothing to be gained from being subjected to a barrage of pointless messages. 

I haven't been responding back, as I know she intends to reel me into a back and forth. I only responded once, to let her know why I choose to walk away.. No point slinging mud at eachother moving forward.

 

If she continues to bombard me with messages, I will certainly block. Thanks 

[BulletDodged]

It's a shame things ended like this, as I did like her.. However the entire relationship was just too one sided, for anything to work out in the future.

I would literally be sat on the sidelines for years to come, accomodating her busy life & never experiencing a proper relationship.

I'm not that far off my 50's and recently I had a health scare.. I had several symptoms, that suggested cancer, and after nearly 3 months of tests, thank god, it turned out to be something less sinister.

That experience made me realise that I need to find someone in my life, that I can build with & we can both look after eachother in the long run. Live together etc.

By the way, I find it confusing that she ended the relationship, and after the fact, she began talking trying to open dialogue about things.

You would think, it's better to talk and air things out, before you jump in head first and finish the relationship. 

At this point, no matter how many messages she sends me, I don't feel like engaging with her anymore, as the damage is already done.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

By the way, I find it confusing that she ended the relationship, and after the fact, she began talking trying to open dialogue about things.

It doesn't sound like much of a dialogue. It sounds very one-sided with coming at you with everything she feels you did wrong. 

10 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

You would think, it's better to talk and air things out, before you jump in head first and finish the relationship.

She probably wasn't interested in repairing things, which is why she didn't come to you with this before. She just wanted to break up. And since she doesn't sound like the most mature individual, this is how she handles justifying her choice. 

10 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

I don't feel like engaging with her anymore, as the damage is already done.

Yes, and realisitcally, I don't think this relationship ever stood a chance of working out. There were far too many incompatibilities and differences here. 

[BulletDodged]

I just need to vent, as I don't really have many people around me that I can talk to regarding this break up.

I'm struggling with a couple of things.

I guess it's early days, therefore I'm going through the motions, like most people do.

Some days I feel relieved for walking away from this, and others I feel I sense of loss & regret.

I guess what makes it difficult is, that she had some really nice qualities too, that won't be that easy to replace & I miss those good qualities about her.

However.. The pitfalls ahead, if I had continued to stay in the relationship, would have been too much.

 

I'm not that far away from being 50 years old. One thing is for sure, that I feel older & sitting on the sidelines, in a relationship with her, feels like I would be wasting precious years.

 

Getting over a significant breakup in fifties would be even more difficult & getting back in the dating scene, again would be daunting experience. 

 

At my age, sitting on the sidelines, just while she raises her children with her ex partner, and seeing her only once a fortnight, seems like putting my life on hold, for very little in return.

The other thing that I find really difficult is, not reading and ignoring her text messages, since the break up. 

I did read some of them, and they where mostly throwing blame at me.. Engaging back with her, will only turn into an argument, as I can think of many issues that caused the demise of the relationship.

 

I do feel horrible for ignoring her and not replying back.. but I feel I have no other option. 

 

 

 

 

 

[S2B]

Why does she communicate by WhatsApp?

that seems odd that you don’t hustle text each other - or call directly?

is it a secrecy thing?

does her exH know about you? Is it possible she is still married?

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why does she communicate by WhatsApp?

To be fair, large parts of the world use What's App daily for nearly all messaging (myself included) It's the default communication method in many places now. It doesn't have anything to do with secrecy for most of us. I realize it's not as common in the US and back on my own home turf (Canada) but it's very, very common elsewhere. 

27 minutes ago, BulletDodged said:

However.. The pitfalls ahead, if I had continued to stay in the relationship, would have been too much.

I agree. I don't see this relationship has having had any future. You two are far too different. 

[basil67]

40 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why does she communicate by WhatsApp?

According to immigrant friends, WhatsApp is the preferred communication method for much of the world.  

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

The other thing that I find really difficult is, not reading and ignoring her text messages, since the break up. 

I did read some of them, and they where mostly throwing blame at me.. Engaging back with her, will only turn into an argument, as I can think of many issues that caused the demise of the relationship.

I do feel horrible for ignoring her and not replying back.. but I feel I have no other option.

I think you're being a bit passive by putting yourself in a situation where she continues to influence how you feel about yourself.

Why don't you take control of your situation by blocking her? That way, you won't have to deal with her anymore or to worry about her feelings because you will have no way of knowing whether she's written.

Your relationship is over. You don't owe each other anything, not even a conversation or the kindness of a listening ear. If she wants someone to rant to about your relationship, she should turn to her loved ones or a therapist. Arguments and finger-pointing are stupid at this point. Presumably, she ended the relationship because she was tired of all the terrible things she claims you did. So what's to discuss? The "problem" has been fixed. You're no longer in her life doing "terrible things." She needs to move on. And you can help her with that by blocking her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

According to immigrant friends, WhatsApp is the preferred communication method for much of the world.  

They're right, yes. Here in Europe it's how most of us communicate. 

I don't know anyone here (in Italy) that uses other methods very much, when it comes to messaging. 

10 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I think you're being a bit passive by putting yourself in a situation where she continues to influence how you feel about yourself.

Also this, yes. You don't need to be her emotional punching bag, OP. You have a choice there. 

[BulletDodged]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I think you're being a bit passive by putting yourself in a situation where she continues to influence how you feel about yourself.

Why don't you take control of your situation by blocking her? That way, you won't have to deal with her anymore or to worry about her feelings because you will have no way of knowing whether she's written.

Your relationship is over. You don't owe each other anything, not even a conversation or the kindness of a listening ear. If she wants someone to rant to about your relationship, she should turn to her loved ones or a therapist. Arguments and finger-pointing are stupid at this point. Presumably, she ended the relationship because she was tired of all the terrible things she claims you did. So what's to discuss? The "problem" has been fixed. You're no longer in her life doing "terrible things." She needs to move on. And you can help her with that by blocking her. 

 

You are right, I shouldn't let it bother me.

 

To be honest, I always treated her well, there was never anything really horrible in the relationship, such as arguments, cheating or neglect. I always treated her the best I possibly could.

 

She is mostly accusing me of not being open to her about my private life at the very beginning when we first met.. The thing is, when I met her, she was always talking about other men she knows and associates with.. Some of these men, according to her are thugs or gangster types. 

Her brother was also involved with some bad people, and he was attacked recently, which left him in a coma.

I really couldn't fathom why she is telling me all this stuff.. In the end, I had to warn her that, I will have to stop seeing you, if you continue to associate with people like this.

 

I told her I want a peaceful life, and by associating with unsavoury people, you could indirectly bring trouble to my doorstep.

My guard was up, as I felt like this was a red flag. It's only over the last 3 months or so, she stopped talking about these other men, and I began to start building trust with her again. We only dated for 9 months total.

 

I find it difficult to trust straight away with my private life, if the person who I am with, is not cultivating an environment where I can trust enough to open up.

I feel like explaining to her, why I couldn't open upto her completely, but I don't think it will make any difference, other than it turning into a back and forth.

I will definitely remain NC and avoid getting sucked into a conversation.

Edited Wednesday at 09:40 AM by BulletDodged

[flitzanu]

9 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

 

 

She is mostly accusing me of not being open to her about my private life at the very beginning when we first met..

who cares what she thinks, she dumped you.  

she no longer has a right to talk to you or about you because she chose that she doesn't want you in her life.

so either let her continue torturing you with these dumb insults, or block her so you can finally be free.

[BulletDodged]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

who cares what she thinks, she dumped you.  

she no longer has a right to talk to you or about you because she chose that she doesn't want you in her life.

so either let her continue torturing you with these dumb insults, or block her so you can finally be free.

Well to be honest... I ghosted her first.. The texting back and forth from her, had become so tedious, that I actually stopped texting her all together.

I had decided beforehand that this was over.. It's only after 7 days of radio silence, that she texted me to say, that she is moving on.. and I let her know, I am moving on too.

 

But I get you.. once it's over, no point allowing her to drag me into drama.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

It's only over the last 3 months or so, she stopped talking about these other men

Just because she stopped talking about them doesn't mean she stopped associating with them. She just stopped telling you about it. My guess is that she is still very much involved with nefarious types, which says a lot about a woman with kids. 

21 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

I find it difficult to trust straight away with my private life

Well, of course. It would be foolish and naive to immediately trust a new partner when you hardly know them. 

21 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

I feel like explaining to her, why I couldn't open upto her completely, but I don't think it will make any difference, other than it turning into a back and forth.

You're right. It's useless and a waste of time to explain yourself now. The relationship has already ended. Let her rant into the void. 

[BulletDodged]

I need to vent.

It's becoming clearer to me with every day that passes by, that this break up was inevitable.

Me and my ex could have only been one of two things.

01. A Casual fling 

02. A serious long term relationship/commitment 

 

However a serious relationship would have required for me to sit on the sidelines as a lower priority for many many years to come, while my ex and her REAL family, her children, and her baby daddy would have come before all else.

 

My life would have been on stand still, with a very likely chance the relationship would have failed, due to all the risks and pitfalls, this type of relationship comes with.

And this isn't even factoring in several serious red flags my EX comes with.

I think this realisation will make it easier for me to get over her, and look forward to meeting a woman who I can have a more compatible relationship with.

 

[basil67]

There is a third thing your relationship could have been:

3. Neither of the above.  Hanging on the sidelines for years, seeing her at only her convenience is not what a serious long term relationship/commitment looks like.   

[BulletDodged]

This is getting silly.

So I decided to join Bumble dating app last night again. I actually met my current ex on it, but deleted my account when we became exclusive.

Talk about bad luck. I wasn't looking or concentrating last night after a few drinks, and I accidentally swiped right on my current EX profile.

I thought for a moment when it happened "Damn was that my ex" and then I brushed it off.

But she messaged me on Bumble.

When I created my new Bumble account, the app got my age wrong by 3 years.. I tried changing the age DOB from the settings, but Bumble doesn't allow you to do that. I have messaged Bumble Support about it.

So my ex was questioning my age on the app? 

I haven't replied back yet, to tell her what has happened.

I don't want her to think I am a liar, therefore should I message her back and explain to her what happened and then unmatch her?

[NuevoYorko]

You are quite critical and judgmental about her,  you speak as if you disrespect her and never really liked her,  even like she's a sketchy person.   

My advice to you is to never, going forward, get involved with a person you feel is beneath you.  That just makes YOU come off as a jerk.   

And obviously,  no more moms.  

[BulletDodged]

7 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You are quite critical and judgmental about her,  you speak as if you disrespect her and never really liked her,  even like she's a sketchy person.   

My advice to you is to never, going forward, get involved with a person you feel is beneath you.  That just makes YOU come off as a jerk.   

And obviously,  no more moms.  

You sound like your talking out of your butt. Sorry 

 

I have pointed several times, she has great qualities too that I miss. Obviously you're comprehension of reading my thread is limited.

Go back to see sleep 😴 

[NuevoYorko]

Yep.  She definitely dodged a bullet, and it's a good thing you stayed away from the kids. 

Happy hunting.  

[basil67]

11 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

When I created my new Bumble account, the app got my age wrong by 3 years.. I tried changing the age DOB from the settings, but Bumble doesn't allow you to do that. I have messaged Bumble Support about it.

So my ex was questioning my age on the app? 

I haven't replied back yet, to tell her what has happened.

I don't want her to think I am a liar, therefore should I message her back and explain to her what happened and then unmatch her?

If it listed you as older than you are, then the story is believable. 

But if it listed you as younger than you are, it's such a common "mistake" that women roll their eyes at it.  So even if it was an honest mistake, nobody will believe you.  I hope Bumble fixes it for you so that you don't have to keep explaining yourself

Edited 6 hours ago by basil67