This Relationship Is Driving Me Crazy, Should I Walk Away?

[BulletDodged]

I'm age 45 Male.

No children of my own..
Own house and car..
In excellent physical shape.

I am dating a single mother of two kids (12-14) with the baby daddy very much present in the kids life.

In the relationship I seem to be making all the sacrifices. 

01. I have to work myself around her schedule the vast majority of the time, as she can only meet when she is child free and not working. We usually meet once every two weeks & occasionally once a week, if she can get away from the kids. This doesn't give us much opportunity to bond with eachother.

Most of our interactions are via WhatsApp.

02. I would have to sacrifice having children of my own, as she doesn't want anymore kids. I'm not even sure if I want any of my own (but undecided)

03. Due to some scheduling clashes, she has already twice told me "My Kids Will Always Come First" and I am guessing more of that is to come down the line. Obviously her kids should come first, however hearing this often, does not feel good to me.

04. We cannot live together, till her children are grown up and moved out, which could be another 5/6 years. This means continuing to see eachother either once a fortnight or once a week for years to come, which I don't think is sustainable.

05. We cannot go on holidays abroad together, unless she can get cover for the children, and I would have to pay the cost of the holiday as, she is low income, and her money goes towards holidays away, with her kids.

It's either I pay, I went don't holiday together.

06. The baby daddy will always be in the picture, and it's possible this dude could become a problem down the line, as I don't know him. He might be the angry or jealous type when another man comes into the picture. It's also possible she dumps me, and goes back to the baby daddy, which often does happen.

07. She plays power games with the communication. She does copy cat text messages when she is annoyed about something, and pulls back. Shows less effection and stops the flirty texts etc. It feels like she wants me to fall into her frame and give into her. 

Considering that we only meet up once a fortnight, my biggest concern is, the awkward communication by text. It almost feels like a silly game sometimes. Some months back, she told me, that if I don't make a serious effort to text her, then she will do exactly the same and mirror my actions (this felt like a threat or a warning)

It doesn't feel worth my while staying in this relationship, as it's huge sacrifices on my part in the long run, and likely very little reward. I definitely don't want anything to do with her kids, as they have a good relationship with the biological father.

I'm not that far off 50 years old, and don't want to go through severe heartbreak 5 years down the line.. also maybe I have low self esteem, and I feel like I won't find a better option and this is the best I can get.

Edited Thursday at 02:10 PM by BulletDodged

[stillafool]

Break up.  Her kids come first as they should.  The baby daddy will always be in the picture.  This is what happens when you date a single woman with kids.

[flitzanu]

this is a laundry list of how poorly you are treated in the relationship and that there is definitely an imbalance.

kids aside, yeah this sounds like it is going absolutely nowhere and you aren't gaining much from it.

[BulletDodged]

2 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

this is a laundry list of how poorly you are treated in the relationship and that there is definitely an imbalance.

kids aside, yeah this sounds like it is going absolutely nowhere and you aren't gaining much from it.

 

Don't get me wrong, she does have some good qualities. She is caring and even though we don't see eachother often, she brings me food and cooks for me.

 

However.. From my part it's mean HUGE long term sacrifices.

 

It means waiting/sitting on the sidelines for nearly 5-6-7 years for the relationship to progress. By then I will be in my fifties.. 

 

Considering we only see eachother once a fortnight, and she pulls back, with the communicate by WhatsApp, I seriously cannot see how this situation can be sustained for years to come.

 

I'm 99% convinced that I need to end things with her, as I am developing feelings for her.

[Georgia46]

Once every two weeks isn’t much fun is it? 
 

also don’t sacrifice the children part, you may regret it. 
 

why not just see if there’s someone more on the same page as you, before like you said years  pass by? 

[BulletDodged]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Break up.  Her kids come first as they should.  The baby daddy will always be in the picture.  This is what happens when you date a single woman with kids.

 

Yeh I agree, and if the baby daddy is the jealous/angry type, it's going to cause problems.

By the way, she doesn't speak positively about the baby daddy..

This might sound awful, but when I asked her about the baby daddy and why they broke up, she told me that

 

"he is such a weak puzzy of a man & the sex was boring and non existent with him"

 

 

Edited Thursday at 07:28 PM by BulletDodged
Error

[BulletDodged]

4 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

Once every two weeks isn’t much fun is it? 
 

also don’t sacrifice the children part, you may regret it. 
 

why not just see if there’s someone more on the same page as you, before like you said years  pass by? 

Well I'm finding that we are not bonding, by seeing eachother only once a fortnight. 

I really can't see how I can wait on her, under these conditions for years to come. My life would feel like it's at a standstill.. I agree, I should move on from this and find someone more compatible for me, who I can build a life and future together with.

 

I feel like I am getting old now, and time is slipping away.

[Georgia46]

I get you. I’m 46 myself.  
 

she is probably lovely..it’s just like you said .. timing/ kids etc and everything is in the way, which is a shame.   But you have got to look after yourself. 

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, BulletDodged said:

"he is such a weak puzzy of a man & the sex was boring and non existent with him"

Yet she layed up with him and had his kids. Okay. It sounds like she's all about the money and who can give her the best lifestyle.  Not marriage material.  There are a lot of good single women out here so you should unravel yourself from this one and go find one who is more compatible for what you want.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

I definitely don't want anything to do with her kids

Then do them all a favour and break up with her. 

Why did you even bother dating a single mother to begin with if this is how you feel? You're wasting your own time and hers. 

 

 

[BulletDodged]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then do them all a favour and break up with her. 

Why did you even bother dating a single mother to begin with if this is how you feel? You're wasting your own time and hers. 

 

 

I have no choice.. She doesn't want me involved in the children's lives, as she has told me they have a good relationship with the father.

 

I don't want to mess that relationship up, by bringing myself into the picture.

 

However she wants me to wait till they are older. She wants me to continue seeing her till they are all grown up and I have developed feelings for her.

 

So I either wait on the sidelines, like she wants me to.. or I walk away from this.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, BulletDodged said:

I have no choice..

You said you don't want anything to do with the kids. Her not wanting you involved is another issue, but you've made it sound as though you don't want to be around them either. A singke mom is a package deal, though. 

Anyway, I don't see what you are getting out of this relationship. You and this woman are completely incompatible. 

48 minutes ago, BulletDodged said:

his might sound awful, but when I asked her about the baby daddy and why they broke up, she told me that

"he is such a weak puzzy of a man & the sex was boring and non existent with him"

Classy woman. I wonder what he would say about her. 

Seriously man, you can't be this desperate for a girlfriend that you would settle for something that clearly isn't what you want. 

[BulletDodged]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You said you don't want anything to do with the kids. Her not wanting you involved is another issue, but you've made it sound as though you don't want to be around them either. A singke mom is a package deal, though. 

Anyway, I don't see what you are getting out of this relationship. You and this woman are completely incompatible. 

Classy woman. I wonder what he would say about her. 

Seriously man, you can't be this desperate for a girlfriend that you would settle for something that clearly isn't what you want. 

I don't want to be around the kids a this age, because they have a happy relationship with the biological father.. Why would I disrupt that relationship and confuse her children. She doesn't want me to be involved with her children at this point either.

 

And if you read my post again.. I did state, it's likely I have some self esteem issues that I need to work on, because I shouldn't really be settling to stay on the sidelines for someone, like this. I will work on myself 

[Gebidozo]

12 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

I have low self esteem, and I feel like I won't find a better option and this is the best I can get.

Looks like you’ve answered your own question.

There is really nothing else to add here. You should never settle for someone you’re incompatible with because you’re afraid of being alone. It never ends well. Please break up with her and start working on the issues that you’ve described.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

I don't want to be around the kids a this age, because they have a happy relationship with the biological father.. Why would I disrupt that relationship and confuse her children

This makes absolutely no sense. Plenty of people have relationships with their partner's kids, despite whatever relationship the children have with their parents. Lots of kids have healthy and happy relationships with their parents and step-parents. They aren't mutually exclusive. I am surprised you don't realize this at your age. I am not saying you'd need to get involved early on, but rather that your thinking on this is bizarre and sounds like an excuse to keep a partner's kids out of your life. 

9 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

She doesn't want me to be involved with her children at this point either.

Yes, I get that, and it is not good to get involved with kids so soon.  I am speaking in hypothetical terms, if your relationship with her were healthier and had legs to go the distance (which isn't the case) 

9 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

I will work on myself 

Yes, that would be best. This relationship isn't going to last anyway. There are far too many problems and she sounds unreasonable and not a very kind person. So even if you decided to put aside all your better judgment here and continue, it would be in vain because this isn't going to last a long time. 

[BulletDodged]

Do you guys consider this a red flag?

When we both got together around 9 months ago (it was initially on a casual basis). It was too early for us to officially become an LTR.

She was more keen on texting me every day. Often 3-4 times a day.

Off course I never ignored her, and always respricated back. And often would initiate texting her too.. however just not as much as she would.

Considering we only see eachother often, once every two weeks, I noticed that her texting would overtime drop off & become less loving, and fun and flirty, and become mostly formalic. 

A few months back, when she came to my house, she told me the following.

"If you don't make an effort to text me, then I will do exactly the same as you" 

This honestly took me back a little, as I felt like it was a warning or threat.

I kind of shrugged it off and didn't make a big fuss about it.

But right now, this is what is happening.. Her text messages have been formalic for a couple of weeks, not the loving usual ones.

She is mirroring EXACTLY how I text.. if my text is short, then her text is short.. If I put a small kiss (x) in the text, then her text will have a small kiss.

She is also measuring the length/time it takes for me to reply back and she mirrors that length time.

This has been going on for 2 weeks now, and honestly I am fed up of it. 

[MsJayne]

19 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

"My Kids Will Always Come First" and I am guessing more of that is to come down the line. Obviously her kids should come first, however hearing this often, does not feel good to me.

I'm not surprised it doesn't feel good, frequently being reminded that you're a low priority. Great that she puts her kids first, she should put them first to the extent that she stops dicking men around by pretending to have a relationship with them. You'll never have a fulfilling relationship with a woman who's preoccupied with life responsibilities that you're excluded from. You say you think you can't do better, why not? A single older guy with no kid baggage and a steady job is a rare prize. Also, talking to you about her sex life with her ex, even in a small way, is just tacky, tacky, tacky. I'd cut her loose and find someone with a bit of class. 

Edited Friday at 09:28 AM by MsJayne

[flitzanu]

there's no use trying to break down small items of being red flags or not, this in entirety does not sound like a healthy relationship, and YOU should want better for yourself.  she sounds compltely exhausting to deal with, and i'll tell you...relationships are not this hard.

yes sometimes adult schedules can be tedious, and what you are experiencing is that you're not finding yourself connecting.  so, move on.

also it is incredibly weird about the kids thing.  it is one thing that she doesnt "need" your help - but completely isolating them for another 5 years and having this secret relationship with you, to what...spring this on them when they are 18?  SURPRISE IVE BEEN DATING FOR 8 YEARS

like, what?

 

[BulletDodged]

So she sent me a text message and ended it with me last night.

 

Gave me a bunch of excuses, that actually had nothing to do with the REAL cause of the breakdown in our relationship.

 

The real reason was, me having to bend over backwards for her schedule, while being reminded that I am not her priority lol

And her resorting to playing power games with the communication/texting eachother.

 

Anyway, I let her know that I am fine about the breakup, I don't feel like she values my time/effort and the long term sacrifices I would have to make to be with her. 

 

However.. She has started going into a tangent now.. Sending long text messages, try to blame me for everything.. Trying to make me feel guilty.. I feel like she is Gaslighting me.

 

I'm thinking it's better to ignore her? As if I respond back, she will pull me into a mud slinging match. 

 

So far I haven't responded back.  She made her choice to end it and I won't be gaslighted into her convinced me that it's all my fault.

[BulletDodged]

I can think of several incidents and behaviours on her part.. Including her associating with men who have crom

[BulletDodged]

I can think of several incidents and behaviours on her part that caused the demise of this relationship.

Including her associating with men who have criminal/gangster backgrounds, and she casually told me about these men, that she is associated with, like its no big deal at all.

I had to warn her several times that I don't like this kind of talk around me, and if you are associated with men like this, then you will no longer be able to come to my house.

She has sent me several text messages shifting the blame on me (no accountability)

 

Should I refrain from responding back? I have so many things I could say, but honestly, I feel like I would just get sucked into a back and forth argument/drama.

She chose to end it with me, which is fine, as I had already made up my mind to walk away from her..

Is It better just to ignore her from here on? She playing the victim.

I mean if she wanted to air things out with me, and have a conversation.. Then that should have been done before she ended things.. Not after ending things.

 

 

 

[basil67]

12 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

Gave me a bunch of excuses, that actually had nothing to do with the REAL cause of the breakdown in our relationship.

The reasons she gave you were HER truth.   You don't get a say on whether or not you believe her reasons are legitimate...and arguing your side of things after someone breaks up with you is not only pointless and leaves you both rolling around like pigs in mud. 

If you don't agree with someone's reasons, simply say "I'm sorry you feel that way.  I wish you well for the future" and then block them

[Interstellar]

On 1/31/2025 at 4:21 AM, BulletDodged said:

Do you guys consider this a red flag?

When we both got together around 9 months ago (it was initially on a casual basis). It was too early for us to officially become an LTR.

She was more keen on texting me every day. Often 3-4 times a day.

Off course I never ignored her, and always respricated back. And often would initiate texting her too.. however just not as much as she would.

Considering we only see eachother often, once every two weeks, I noticed that her texting would overtime drop off & become less loving, and fun and flirty, and become mostly formalic. 

A few months back, when she came to my house, she told me the following.

"If you don't make an effort to text me, then I will do exactly the same as you" 

This honestly took me back a little, as I felt like it was a warning or threat.

I kind of shrugged it off and didn't make a big fuss about it.

But right now, this is what is happening.. Her text messages have been formalic for a couple of weeks, not the loving usual ones.

She is mirroring EXACTLY how I text.. if my text is short, then her text is short.. If I put a small kiss (x) in the text, then her text will have a small kiss.

She is also measuring the length/time it takes for me to reply back and she mirrors that length time.

This has been going on for 2 weeks now, and honestly I am fed up of it. 

Get rid of her. Tell her you found somebody, wish her the best then Block and Delete everything.

Edited yesterday at 06:49 AM by Interstellar

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

Including her associating with men who have criminal/gangster backgrounds, and she casually told me about these men, that she is associated with, like its no big deal at all.

I had to warn her several times that I don't like this kind of talk around me, and if you are associated with men like this, then you will no longer be able to come to my house.

And yet, you hung around. I get why you wouldn't want to be involved with someone who has nefarious friends or acquaintances, but you apparently weren't bothered enough by it to end the relationship. So, you're right to be concerned but it doesn't make sense to use that proverbial ammo when you let it slide and kept dating her anyway. I wouldn't have issued "several warnnings", personally. I simply would recognize that this woman is not someone I want in my life. 

15 hours ago, BulletDodged said:

Should I refrain from responding back? I have so many things I could say, but honestly, I feel like I would just get sucked into a back and forth argument/drama.

Exactly. Don't get into a pointless back-and-forth. She won't care about behaviour you didn't appreciate from her. She won't care what red flags you saw in her. 

Just tell her to stop contacting you, and then see yourself out. 

[BulletDodged]

59 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And yet, you hung around. I get why you wouldn't want to be involved with someone who has nefarious friends or acquaintances, but you apparently weren't bothered enough by it to end the relationship. So, you're right to be concerned but it doesn't make sense to use that proverbial ammo when you let it slide and kept dating her anyway. I wouldn't have issued "several warnnings", personally. I simply would recognize that this woman is not someone I want in my life. 

Exactly. Don't get into a pointless back-and-forth. She won't care about behaviour you didn't appreciate from her. She won't care what red flags you saw in her. 

Just tell her to stop contacting you, and then see yourself out. 

 

I agree with you, even though there is lots I can say.. It's very likely she will dodge all accountability & getting into a mud slinging match with her isn't actually worth it.

 

I have let her know that I'm no longer interested in the relationship & will keep silent from this point onwards, no matter how much she tries to pull me into a back and forth.