LuckyM Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 I can't stop thinking about an older MW who I fell foolishly in love with long ago and have had no contact In 10 years. I sent her a Xmas card and signed my initials, so I am not sure she recognized it, She would remember me as a smitten acquaintance who she cooly brushed off years ago. We have no relationship, Twas love at first sight. I am still single,never married despite a life of trying. I know that I have no chance with her And don't expect to see or even talk on the phone. Don't have her number or email address. I d like to send her a short note by mail to her home, I found on internet, but really do NOT want to cause problems or intrude. She is private,coy, reticent to say much in the past.I know her temperament and respect it. We knew each other for years but never did anything together. All right to write a note to express my feelings I have bottled up? Hard for me to explain this. ( I know no one sends letters any more, so old fashioned) Or am I a darn fool....a rolling stone... An encouraging word out there, in Loveland... A 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SunshineRainSun24 Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 It will be risky to do so. Are you prepared for the rejection? She is married after all, and if she is responsive, that could easily take you down a road of nothing but pain. Take a look around here for a bit. Lots of casualties. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 I'm sorry that you're still struggling with unrequited love. It's tough But remember that she's married, and if she's a respectful wife she would throw that note into the trash as soon as she recognises it's from you. And if her husbands sees it, it will create all kinds of problems for her Please don't do this Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SurfCity Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 You never went on a date with her? Never kissed and were never intimate? She never expressed any romantic interest in you? You haven't seen or spoken to her for 10 years and now you're going to mail her a letter? That is beyond self-centered, you really need to stop. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 Please don’t write such a letter. She already brushed you off 10 years ago, she isn’t interested in divorcing her husband and being with you. Is that correct? If so, how do you think she will feel when she receives a romantic letter from you? She’ll probably consider it a minor disturbance at best, creepy stalking at worst. Prolonged unrequited love is a concept that you have in your head, an idea that you refuse to let go. You really have to move on. Perhaps therapy would be a good option here. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 No, don't do this. It would intrusive and inappropriate, man. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 Personally, I would write a letter saying goodbye to the woman and never send it. You have carried this torch long enough, it’s time to put it down and move forward with your life. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jennifer Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 If you are calling it unrequited love then you have answered your own question. Unrequited love is one sided meaning it is NOT reciprocated. You should only send the letter if you think there is a chance she might feel the same way. In my experience, in a decade, you would have heard from her by now. If you absolutely need to reach out then I would just say hello and patiently gauge her response. Although, most of the posters are wonderful, you tell people to move on too quickly and that's not always possible. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Don't do it based on.... - You have had no relationship together. - The memory could be vastly differently from the reality today. She's a different person today. And she could easily just be happily married with kids or grandkids, and such as note would be flattering or intrusive. And more likely latter given that you're not in touch or friends. If you must, write all your feelings down for yourself to work through. Figure out why you are still stuck after all these years and focus on moving on. New chapter in the story. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyM Posted February 1 Author Share Posted February 1 I wrote many letters in my head and spoke to a therapist a bit, to no avail. no help. No one gets what it means to me. That she has grown children doesn't bother me. Probably little in common and I might not be attracted to her any more. Still, I want her to know my feelings and have not forgotten her! She was friendly with me when no one else was, and we confided to each other, then she saw I had feelings For her and she went cold and distant. I have had many GFs but no one like her. If only I had a social life, but I gave up dating. It is hard for me to confess this and harder to write her...except in my foolish mind. My motto is when in doubt, don't reach out. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 9 hours ago, LuckyM said: No one gets what it means to me. People are advising you not to send a letter because it could make her very uncomfortable and cause issues in her life. I get that it's hard to deal with feelings like this, but that does not mean you should override you better judgment and possibly run interference in her life. Please let it alone and don't reach out. 9 hours ago, LuckyM said: spoke to a therapist a bit, to no avail. no help What did this therapist advise you to do? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 (edited) Feelings are just that - feelings. Usually fleeting - unless we attend to them and give them meaning. Perseverate on the thought, and the feelings will grow. Ignore the thought, and it will eventually go away. You have fed the idea that this woman was the love of your life, and as a result you continue to have “feelings” for this woman. If you had not done so, had you considered her an important person at that time in your life but someone from your past and not your present/future, you would not be pining for this woman in this way… Quite literally, everyone has a story about “the one that got away…” Everyone wonders from time to time what life would have been like had it worked out with that person. But few people will allow these thoughts to negatively affect their ability to built a full and happy life filled with experiences and relationships. Life is to be lived forward, not backward. Please continue with therapy - find another therapist who can support you in letting go of this perseverative thought process and move forward with your life. Edited February 2 by BaileyB 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyM Posted February 5 Author Share Posted February 5 (edited) Everyone does not have a story about the one who got away, though it seems like it here. Most do not or won't admit it. Anyway She was never mine, obviously, in first place. It is all wishful thinking, and I'm an expert there. I would look at her sitting down and I just wanted to put my head on her lap ,and maybe she was aware of this. Like she represented to me the woman I had been looking for to marry. Thanks for your replies, but no therapy worked because they don't get it and have no advice. I am too unique for their trite comments. You know when someone does not get it when they don't ask the right good questions...in all subjects. So you cannot think of any possible way of communicating? Not even a poem I wrote?If you were me, you would take your own advice? I am bad at taking advice, but good at giving it! Edited February 5 by LuckyM Add Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 (edited) For what purpose would you reach out to this woman, or send her a poem? What is your end goal? What are you hoping to accomplish here? Perhaps the reason why therapy has not helped is because you are only looking at the situation from your perspective. Think about it from her perspective - how would you respond if you were married, living life and raising children with a woman, and you received a poem from another woman with whom you were acquainted 10 years ago and had not spoken with since you had made the decision to “go cold” and withdraw from the relationship. How do you think your wife/her husband would feel about this? Edited February 5 by BaileyB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 3 hours ago, LuckyM said: So you cannot think of any possible way of communicating? Not even a poem I wrote? No. Especially not a poem. No communication. Letters or poems from some guy she hasn't seen or spoken to in a decade will make you look like a complete werido. 3 hours ago, LuckyM said: I am too unique for their trite comments. Were you even that open to their advice to begin with? Your attitude seems quite defensive so I can't help but wonder if you'd already decided you were too "unique" for them. Whatever you do, please leave this woman be. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 4 hours ago, LuckyM said: Not even a poem I wrote? Cringe 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 4 hours ago, LuckyM said: Thanks for your replies, but no therapy worked because they don't get it and have no advice. I am too unique for their trite comments. You know when someone does not get it when they don't ask the right good questions...in all subjects. You seem to be very resistant to other opinions than your own. So far, nobody here has supported your plan to write this person a letter, yet you just keep going on. It's possible that the therapists are asking you the questions you NEED to answer if you were to get on a different track from the one you seem to be kind of stuck on. These obviously are not the "easy" questions - in your opinion the "right good questions"- that you'd prefer to engage about. They are uncomfortable for you and you want to avoid them. In any case - NO, it's not appropriate for you to write to this woman, and NO, it's not because you might not be attracted to her anymore or might be put off by her being a parent - for heaven's sake. It's because it's intrusive and obnoxious. I am sure you will probably go ahead and do it and in the big picture it's not a heinous crime or anything. It's just something that a together person who has a care and a clue about other people and how they are likely to react would NOT do. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: How do you think your wife/her husband would feel about this? Good point. She's going to show him the letter and they will discuss it. At best you'll get their pity and at worst, they'll mock you Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 (edited) 2 hours ago, basil67 said: Good point. She's going to show him the letter and they will discuss it. At best you'll get their pity and at worst, they'll mock you I would be very concerned if I received a love poem or a card with a man’s initials when I haven’t spoken to him in ten years. I don’t consider that normal or emotionally healthy behavior and that would scare me - a lot. Personally, I would share this with my husband for my own safety. I would want him to know that there is a man out there who I don’t have a relationship with who has contacted me because he believes that he has feelings for me… For a woman, this has the potential to be a scary and dangerous situation. I don’t believe that is your intention - but she doesn’t know that. You are best to leave her alone. Edited February 6 by BaileyB 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 9 hours ago, LuckyM said: veryone does not have a story about the one who got away, though it seems like it here. Most do not or won't admit it. Anyway She was never mine, obviously, in first place. It is all wishful thinking, and I'm an expert there. Interesting post- I recall you posted on my first thread here (January 2019 how the time flies) - that was a topic that bothered me at the time but seems so insignificant now. I feel your pain- the one that got away can be a great source of regret We text every Monday and a Friday - shes not that far away- a few hours on a plane- thus far shes rejecting my advances to meet again but the only thing we are talking, there is a certain beauty in your post- a beauty of unfulfilled dreams and how that touches the soul, Without knowing anything about you- I get the sense and am pretty confident in saying that you should be happily married with someone. I still believe people get chances so hopefully there are a few more for us out there yet. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 11 hours ago, LuckyM said: no therapy worked because they don't get it and have no advice. I am too unique for their trite comments. It’s more likely that you’re too deep in the unnatural mental state that you’ve artificially induced yourself into to heed their advice. 11 hours ago, LuckyM said: So you cannot think of any possible way of communicating? Not even a poem I wrote? A poem is even worse. Why would you want her to cringe and roll her eyes, or just be embarrassed and feel awkward, or maybe even feel alarmed and threatened? How is this compatible with your alleged love for her? 11 hours ago, LuckyM said: If you were me, you would take your own advice? I was you - for a couple of months, maybe - 30 years ago. I can assure you that those pseudo-romantic dreams of an unattainable woman are essentially teenager fantasies. I really believe you need a good therapist or a strong, ethical spiritual guide of sorts. You aren’t seeing things realistically right now. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 6 hours ago, BaileyB said: I would be very concerned if I received a love poem or a card with a man’s initials when I haven’t spoken to him in ten years. I don’t consider that normal or emotionally healthy behavior and that would scare me - a lot Same here. Something similar happened to me a few years ago. Someone left a note in my mailbox. It was not threatening in its wording (it was something like a love letter), but I have no idea who wrote it. It was obviously someone who had a romatic interest, and I'd hoped one my friends would later fess up to being my secret admirer and put my mind at ease or something. Nobody in my life at that time claimed it, though. I was alarmed and terribly uncomfortable for quite a while thereafter. It creeped me out, wondering who'd been skulking around or harbouring feelings from afar. OP, please consider how this behaviour could easily come across to others. It is very unlikely this will be viewed positively, or even neutrally. It is far more probable that you would be making this woman feel unsettled. If you cannot (or refuse to) comprehend that, you might need more help than your average therapist can offer. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SurfCity Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 There's a high chance that she doesn't even remember you. I don't remember many of my co-workers/acquaintances from 10 years ago so there's a strong possibility that she doesn't remember you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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