Anon260 Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 First time to post on the forum, but was encouraged because I saw several posts by people in a similar position. Married for 15 years. Have a wonderful 12 year old daughter who is everything to me. Rushed into the marriage because I couldn’t bring myself to ask for more time when my wife said we should get married barely 6 months into our relationship. That’s because I have always had people pleasing issues. Always worried about disappointing people. I was abandoned as a child by my parents. Hence the struggle. To be honest, I have been unhappy for most of our marriage. A year ago I told her that. She freaked out. we went to counselling for a bit, but it was terrible. Two months ago, however, my wife started changing, started being more considerate and kind. But I find myself unable to love her. I care about her a lot. She is a good person. She is a great mother, even if we disagree on things and even if I find her too harsh. The truth is, I don’t think I ever really loved her. We rushed into the marriage and soon after I found out that she is a tyrant who treated me like garbage. I was not perfect either. I responded years later by seeing others. She found out. It was terrible. Now I feel guilty about wanting to leave even though she is finally making an effort. I feel guilty because I am worried about my daughter’s happiness as well. We rarely fight in front of her so I do not know if she is aware how unhappy I am. I am not fulfilled. We haven’t had a functioning sex life in years and I don’t find myself attracted to her anymore, even though she is a good looking woman. I know I should walk out. I know that if I don’t walk out now then I will probably do it in the future, when we are both in our mid 50s. But I am paralysed by guilt and dread. I know she won’t take it well. I also worry about breaking her heart. About making her really unhappy. please be gentle Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 Fearing that your wife won’t take divorce well is like fearing that she won’t take well a surgery needed to cure an otherwise terminal illness. Between her tyrannical habits, your infidelity, lack of sex, lack of romance, and lack of love - what else is left in this marriage but utter ruin and unhappiness? You say that you care for her. If so, set her free. And set yourself free. She’ll find a man who will find her desirable and won’t cheat on her. You’ll find a woman you are actually attracted to, who won’t make your life miserable. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 No, your wife probably won't take it well. But you can both handle that, in your own ways. She will be hurt and won't like it, but she is also an adult who I am sure is very aware that this marriage isn't working. She will find a way to manage a separation - as will you. You will both need time to heal and get used to a new life, but when you do, you will both be free to find partners who are far more suitable for each of you. As a couple, you don't work. I think it's time to end the unhappiness. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anon260 Posted January 31 Author Share Posted January 31 I just don’t know why I can’t find it in me to try and love her. This would spare us all the pain. This will spare our kid the pain. She is trying hard because she does not want the marriage to end. I am being nice and as kind as possible but for the life of me I find myself unable to convince myself that I can or should try to love her back. This in itself makes me feel terrible about myself. 19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: No, your wife probably won't take it well. But you can both handle that, in your own ways. She will be hurt and won't like it, but she is also an adult who I am sure is very aware that this marriage isn't working. She will find a way to manage a separation - as will you. You will both need time to heal and get used to a new life, but when you do, you will both be free to find partners who are far more suitable for each of you. As a couple, you don't work. I think it's time to end the unhappiness. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 1 hour ago, Anon260 said: I just don’t know why I can’t find it in me to try and love her. It's not about "trying to" love her. I am sure you love her as a person, in the sense that you care about her and value her as your child's mother. But you can't manufacture feelings that were never really there to begin with. It sounds as though you got married for the wrong reasons, and really, not much has ever changed. That's neither of your faults, really. It just is what it is. 1 hour ago, Anon260 said: I find myself unable to convince myself that I can or should try to love her back. Why do you think this would even be possible? You put yourself in a difficult position by marrying someone you weren't in love with. It's no surprise that you're here all these years later. You can't force yourself to be into someone when you're just not. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tzorno Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 The infedelity really does not sit well with me as i've had it done to me and I really don't understand why people do it. At the point of infedelity, did you not feel the marriage was over at that point? Your worry about your wifes feelings because of the divorce, but wasn't worried about them enough not to seek other women? Regardless, the marriage is over. You need to set her free so that she can have a chance of true happiness and love in her lifetime. She deserves that much. 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anon260 Posted January 31 Author Share Posted January 31 There is not a day that passes without me beating myself up about infidelity. It did not sit well with me either. And for your information, I have forgiven my wife for everything she has done, but I am struggling to forgive myself. The reason I am crippled by guilt is not because I hate my wife, but it’s because I care for her, and I love my child. It’s really something to come here and ask for a compassionate conversation because one is really struggling and then to find some people who are only adding to one’s pain. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anon260 Posted January 31 Author Share Posted January 31 I am really sorry this was done to you. I only ask that you don’t project your experience on me and my life. You don’t know me, or what drove me there. I am not a victim, nor a passenger in this relationship. I accept my responsibility. I am wondering out loud why I cannot find it in my heart to continue. Why can’t I just take what I have. What can’t I rewire my brain and spare her and our child the pain. I can’t help but feel selfish sometimes, even though I know I am really just trying to be true to myself. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 1 hour ago, Anon260 said: I am wondering out loud why I cannot find it in my heart to continue. Why can’t I just take what I have. What can’t I rewire my brain and spare her and our child the pain. Because you can’t force yourself to feel something that you do not feel. Nobody can. Stop torturing yourself with questions that have no answer and get a divorce. It doesn’t have to be a tragedy. You can still be great parents to your child and you can still have her in your life as a person that you care for. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tzorno Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 3 hours ago, Anon260 said: I am really sorry this was done to you. I only ask that you don’t project your experience on me and my life. You don’t know me, or what drove me there. You are right, I don't know the circumstances of what drove you there. Forgive me, but in my mind there is nothing to defend it with. I apologize if you felt like I piled on. That's on me. The act triggers me and it's something I need to work on. The best advice I can give you is to go ahead with the divorce. That seems to be the only resolution and hope for you to both be happy. It doesn't need to be ugly between you two and I pray it isn't. I envy divorced couples that went through with it with dignity and civility. Let that be you. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 if you care about hurting her feelings, do you think it is fair to her to make her stay married to you when you cheated on her and aren't in love with her? doesn't she deserve to find someone that is loyal and wants to be with her? 2 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 3 Share Posted February 3 On 1/31/2025 at 7:19 AM, Anon260 said: I am really sorry this was done to you. I only ask that you don’t project your experience on me and my life. You don’t know me, or what drove me there. I am not a victim, nor a passenger in this relationship. I accept my responsibility. I am wondering out loud why I cannot find it in my heart to continue. Why can’t I just take what I have. What can’t I rewire my brain and spare her and our child the pain. I can’t help but feel selfish sometimes, even though I know I am really just trying to be true to myself. It doesn’t matter that you can’t continue. But knowing that part makes the decision for you. its only fair to your wife that she is able to find someone who will love her completely. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 Sounds like you got rail-roaded into marriage, and OK, the cheating bit wasn't a good decision, but maybe it was a response to feeling manipulated and suffocated. Your know your marriage is no longer breathing, so why waste time? Sit your wife down and be brutally honest. She sounds abusive, and if she's treating you nicely it's probably because she's sensed the axe is close to falling and she's gone into damage control, I doubt it's because she's suddenly developed a conscience so I wouldn't be too worried about hurting her feelings. If you can reach an amicable decision to separate and co-parent peacefully it may be less damaging to your daughter than spending the next few years living a lie. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
OKtoday Posted February 6 Share Posted February 6 Oh yes, It hurt for many years when my husband left, but today…. I think it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Sometimes you need to be air lifted into a new life. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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