My boyfriend's grandparents are moving into our apartment, and I cannot handle the thought of it.

[Shyla]

My boyfriend (30M) and I have been together for three years and have been living in a small apartment for the past six months. A few months ago, his grandparents mentioned they were planning to move to our area and would be looking for a place nearby. However, at some point, the decision was made—for reasons unknown to me—that they would be moving in with us, without my consent.

When my boyfriend first brought up the idea, I was clear that I wasn’t comfortable with it. I told him that, as an introvert, I value my privacy and would find it difficult to share our space. He didn’t push the conversation further, and since he acknowledged my hesitation, I assumed that was the end of it.

Fast forward, and his grandmother calls to announce that they are, in fact, moving into our apartment. I was completely shocked and angry—how did this decision happen without my agreement? Who told them this was okay? To make matters worse, when his parents came over to discuss the move, they didn’t even acknowledge my feelings on the matter, despite me being right there.

At first, I assumed this arrangement would be temporary. But now, I’m realizing that it may be indefinite. His grandmother has called him multiple times, repeatedly implying that she’ll stay until she "has no choice but to move out"—potentially only if I become annoyed enough to push for it. I find this incredibly manipulative, as it seems like a way to guilt my boyfriend into ensuring they can stay. And instead of addressing my concerns, he reassures her that I won’t get annoyed, completely dismissing how I feel.

They can’t move in with my boyfriend’s parents because their apartment is too small—but so is ours. The only difference is that we have an extra unoccupied room. I hate that I’ll now have to share a bathroom, and that my living room—where I spend 90% of my time—will no longer feel like my own space. I don’t go out much, I don’t have many hobbies, and I prefer staying home to focus on my work. But now, that space will be taken over by them, leaving me feeling trapped in the bedroom.

On top of that, since they’ll be living with us, other people (like his parents) will inevitably come over to visit them, making it even more overwhelming for me. This whole situation is a nightmare, and just thinking about it is already making me feel suffocated—even though they haven’t even moved in yet. I can’t wrap my head around why they have to live with us of all people, especially when they’re perfectly healthy and don’t need any help. Why can’t they just look for an apartment nearby instead of moving in with us? What’s the point of all this?

To make things worse, they’ve even suggested that we all move into a bigger apartment together—but for what reason? I don’t understand the logic behind it. My boyfriend is completely devoted to his family and will do anything for them, so I can’t help but feel like my feelings were never considered in this decision. It’s as if they knew they would be prioritized over me, no matter how I felt—and unfortunately, that assumption has been proven right. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Shyla said:

My boyfriend is completely devoted to his family and will do anything for them, so I can’t help but feel like my feelings were never considered in this decision. It’s as if they knew they would be prioritized over me, no matter how I felt—and unfortunately, that assumption has been proven right.

You seem to have a very clear understanding of the situation. I agree with your analysis. You’ve been treated with utter lack of respect and disregard for your feelings.

 

5 hours ago, Shyla said:

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

You should tell your boyfriend that you are very hurt by his inconsiderate behavior and that you refuse to have his grandparents living in your apartment. If he still insists and moves them in afterwards, I see no other choice but breakup. You wouldn’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you like this.

[MsJayne]

You have my deepest sympathy, before you know it they'll have taken over, they'll drive you insane. I know this because just the fact that they've invited themselves to live in your space tells a whole lot about them. It's beyond disrespectful of your partner to have agreed to this without consulting you, and I'd outright ask him if it's all part of a ploy to break up with you, because if he wants to get rid of you moving his grandparents in will definitely do the job. It's so rude that I'd be looking at the whole relationship dynamic, why does he think it's OK to completely dismiss your feelings? I think I'd dump him regardless of the outcome, he sounds like he's going to be trouble in the long run. If you married him he'd probably invite Nan and Pop on the honeymoon and you'd fling open the door of the honeymoon suite and there they'd be, sitting on your bed. 

[introverted1]

Who is on the lease, OP?  Can you leave and get your own place?

I am surprised that the landlord is ok with 2 more people living in the apartment. Particularly 2 people who are presumably not on the lease.

[Els]

14 hours ago, Shyla said:

My boyfriend is completely devoted to his family and will do anything for them, so I can’t help but feel like my feelings were never considered in this decision. It’s as if they knew they would be prioritized over me, no matter how I felt—and unfortunately, that assumption has been proven right. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

Unfortunately I think that deep down, you know what the answer to this question will be.

You've correct that he has never considered your feelings - no decent person just "moves family in" without discussing with the person they are living with, especially in a non-emergency situation. And by "emergency" I mean something like "their house was destroyed in an earthquake today", NOT "they are moving to your area and need a place to live".

So, you know where his priorities lie, and you know how far down the list you are. What is the point of staying in this relationship with him? Yes, you could get your own place and move out while keeping the relationship, and yes you could probably even give him an ultimatum and cause him to back down... this time. But it's going to happen again and again and again for as long as you're with him. This is the kind of life that you're signing up for if you stay with him. And when he's trapped you with a few kids and a mortgage together, it won't be so easy to leave when he does this again.

Just leave now. Don't put yourself through all of that.

[stillafool]

Do you pay half the rent?  If so, take your half and find your own place.  Moving out seems to be your only option at this point it seems.

[flitzanu]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Do you pay half the rent?  If so, take your half and find your own place.  Moving out seems to be your only option at this point it seems.

this was my question as well.  

obviously this doesn't change "how you feel" about it, but it certainly changes the circumstances if you are equally contributing.

if you are living in your boyfriend's apartment for free...then you are a guest just like them.

if you contribute equally for this apartment, then they are not considering your input at all and that's a bigger problem.

[Shyla]

[ ]

I told my boyfriend that we need to sit down and discuss a plan with his grandparents. Our lease ends in July, and if they haven’t found their own place by then and he decides to renew the lease, I'm done—I’ll move out and the relationship will be over. I emphasized that they’re both healthy and retired, with several months to find a new place, so there’s no excuse for not having one by then. Also, they can just move in with their children after and deal with the tight area until they find a place. They can even take over our lease once we move out, which we planned to do once it was over.

I worry that I'm coming off as unreasonable, even though I don’t think I’m asking for much. All of this happened without my input, and I found it incredibly disrespectful. I understand they’re his grandparents, but I’m his girlfriend of three years and I live here too. To just announce their move-in without discussing it with me felt so wrong, and I'm not sure they even realize that. I value my personal space and need to be able to recharge as an introvert, but at the same time, I don’t want to be seen as the “bad guy.” If my boyfriend brings up a timeline with them, even without mentioning me, they’ll likely assume it’s because of me and develop a negative impression of me. But, at the same time, I don't want to live miserably. 

My boyfriend needs to get a backbone. I gave him the ultimatum. How can I make him feel like he's not a bad guy in this situation either? I know he will feel bad about the whole thing, and I don't want to make it seem like I am making him choose between the two, but they give me no choice. I don't want him to resent me either or force him into feeling he has to do this. Because to me the answer is simple, they either move in or I move out.

Edited January 31 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged thread

[Acacia98]

19 minutes ago, Shyla said:

He is too kind to the point where he will let people walk all over him. He doesn't know how to set boundaries, and this is a huge boundary of mine that they are crossing, and he is allowing them to. I am supposed to be married to him one day, and I feel disrespected by not only him, but them as well.

(...)

I worry that I'm coming off as unreasonable, even though I don’t think I’m asking for much. All of this happened without my input, and I found it incredibly disrespectful.

 

19 minutes ago, Shyla said:

My boyfriend needs to get a backbone. I gave him the ultimatum. How can I make him feel like he's not a bad guy in this situation either?

I think that if you get married, this relationship will be a nightmare for you. There will be thousands of other instances of people trying to push you and your boyfriend to do things you don't like. And if he is wired to say yes every single time, your affection for him will fade away.

Let's say you manage to convince him to put an end to his grandparents' plans to move in this time, are you ready to play that role every single time he tries to be a people-pleaser? At some point, he will start to resent you for "coming between him and his family."

People are who they are. It's not your place to try to change them.

[Shyla]

9 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

 

I think that if you get married, this relationship will be a nightmare for you. There will be thousands of other instances of people trying to push you and your boyfriend to do things you don't like. And if he is wired to say yes every single time, your affection for him will fade away.

Let's say you manage to convince him to put an end to his grandparents' plans to move in this time, are you ready to play that role every single time he tries to be a people-pleaser? At some point, he will start to resent you for "coming between him and his family."

People are who they are. It's not your place to try to change them.

You have a good point. 

[Els]

1 hour ago, Shyla said:

[ ]

I told my boyfriend that we need to sit down and discuss a plan with his grandparents. Our lease ends in July, and if they haven’t found their own place by then and he decides to renew the lease, I'm done—I’ll move out and the relationship will be over. I emphasized that they’re both healthy and retired, with several months to find a new place, so there’s no excuse for not having one by then. Also, they can just move in with their children after and deal with the tight area until they find a place. They can even take over our lease once we move out, which we planned to do once it was over.

I worry that I'm coming off as unreasonable, even though I don’t think I’m asking for much. All of this happened without my input, and I found it incredibly disrespectful. I understand they’re his grandparents, but I’m his girlfriend of three years and I live here too. To just announce their move-in without discussing it with me felt so wrong, and I'm not sure they even realize that. I value my personal space and need to be able to recharge as an introvert, but at the same time, I don’t want to be seen as the “bad guy.” If my boyfriend brings up a timeline with them, even without mentioning me, they’ll likely assume it’s because of me and develop a negative impression of me. But, at the same time, I don't want to live miserably. 

My boyfriend needs to get a backbone. I gave him the ultimatum. How can I make him feel like he's not a bad guy in this situation either? I know he will feel bad about the whole thing, and I don't want to make it seem like I am making him choose between the two, but they give me no choice. I don't want him to resent me either or force him into feeling he has to do this. Because to me the answer is simple, they either move in or I move out.

Did you read the answers to your question at all?

Frankly I still don't understand why you would do this to yourself. Let's say his grandparents move out in June (after having lived with you for 6 months!!!), then what? You stay? And what happens the next time he moves family in? And the next time his parents or grandparents try to impose on your boundaries?

You don't seriously believe this will be the last time and you'll live happily ever after once they move out?

[stillafool]

On 1/31/2025 at 4:12 PM, Shyla said:

I gave him the ultimatum. How can I make him feel like he's not a bad guy in this situation either? I know he will feel bad about the whole thing, and I don't want to make it seem like I am making him choose between the two, but they give me no choice. I don't want him to resent me either or force him into feeling he has to do this. Because to me the answer is simple, they either move in or I move out.

But you are.  That is what an ultimatum is.  He will resent you because you are forcing him to not let his grandparents stay there or you'll break up with him.  Why not move out and still see him until you two get another place together or they leave.  He is their grandson and therefore is their child too.  Is your name also on the lease and do you pay half of his rent?

[ShyViolet]

There's no question, if I were you I would be making arrangements to move out and break up with him NOW.  Not in 6 months.  Why on earth would you agree to go along with living with them for 6 months, and then re-evaluate?  Your bf has shown that he is completely manipulative and has no respect for you, and that his family is a much higher priority to him than his relationship with you.  Why would you even consider staying with him at this point?  He is likely to do something like this to you again in the future.  He has shown you that you can't trust him.

I'm also curious as to whether this is HIS apartment where he pays for everything, or whether you both contribute to the bills.

Edited February 3 by ShyViolet

[S2B]

I wonder if he has the ability to say no.

if he s weak and doesn’t protect your relationship - it’s better to know now than later.

are you on the lease? Why can’t you move now and set up a plan to move somewhere else after July? Have his grandparents take over the lease.

has he not offered other solutions?

he may not be a good match for you if he’s unwilling to protect you/your best interest/ your relationship.

if he is indeed a wimp - it’s a LONG frustrating life with that type of guy.

Edited February 3 by S2B