ex gf problems

[Uhoh]

ok, so i know that theres lots of posts about jealousy and exgf's and all that stuff but i need some advice! lol

 

a couple weeks ago i told my bf of 6 months that i wanted him to have nothing to do with his exgf because i get uncomfortable when shes around. I thought that this was a bit harsh but I feel that i have my reasoning..let me explain. They've been friends for 7 years, and live in the same town year round..they even go to the same school so they always see each other when they go to bars and stuff. They dated for 2 years and then had a bad breakup and for the past year and a bit they havent talked or had anything to do with eachother...that was until i came along.

 

My guy and me started to get to know each other around may/june of last year and started getting more serious towards the end of summer. During this time he hadn't talked to his ex in almost a year, and then out of nowhere she starts to talk to him again..asking him to hang out, go to her place suff like that. That to me seemed a bit sketchy...im in the picture and now she shows back up? doenst make sense to me. Anyway, I let this stuff slide and didnt let it bother me, then my bf moved back away for school and he began to tell me that she would say stuff like "I wanna come over but I dont know if Id be able to control myself" stuff like that; that any current gf would NOT appreciate. At this point we were going out for 2 months and we were having some problems and it all seemed to relate back to him and his ex. I finally had to say that i didnt want him to talk to her anymore because i didnt like her intentions - even if she did have a bf. He accepted this and things were good again.

 

A few more months passed and they started to talk again, nothing huge..just the 'hey, how are you? What you been up to?' type thing but it was still causing problems between us. I wouldnt like him going out cause i know that shed be there and i would worry until he got home..and when they drink they can both be flirtatious. One night we were at the bar and she was there...the second i left his side she was in his face and told him that she didnt love him anymore (which meant she still did before) and she wanted to shake my hand and actually meet me - at the end of the night she did approach me and tried to be all nice but i cant help but to maybe think that shes doing this so that i would let my guard down a bit? maybe im paranoid...i dont deny that lol

 

Then one night he told me that out of nowhere he wants to be friends with her again and put all their **** to the side - - this i didnt understand especially cause he knows that i dont like her. Now, I trust him completely but it's her that i dont trust. He would insist that she doesnt love him anymore and all that, but i cant help to think that she still does or still wants something to do with him. So I finally said that I didnt want him to have anything to do with her, even though i really didnt want to have to do that, i felt like i didnt have much of a choice - - but he did agree. Since then things have been great, and my bf even thinks that she left the bar one night b/c she saw me and him together and it bugged her...yea right she still doesnt like him - im sorry but to me everything shes doing is SKETCHY!

 

Anyways, am I wrong for asking him to cut her out of his life? I admit that i am jealous of her, and i get worried cause they do have the history together, not to mention the crap she was saying before. I just didnt know what else to do.

 

(Sorry for making that so long, but you had to know everything to fully understand)

[MoonDancer]

Hi, Uhoh: If you trust him completely, as you said, then what is the problem? What does it matter if she's still in love, like, or whatever with him as long as you "trust him completely"? While you may not appreciate her inappropriate attention towards him, if he's trustworthy and you feel he would not reciprocate in the same matter, then why stress over it?

 

It sounds like he's been open and honest with you about the content of their conversations and their interaction with one another. If he were lying or hiding things behind your back it would be different, right? I say, give him the benefit of the doubt...allow him the friendship. If this proves ulterior motives are at hand, then you'll know and be the better for it.

 

Telling him to stop having contact with her doesn't really address the core of the issue. It's apparent he wants contact with her for whatever reason...otherwise it wouldn't continue to come up over and over again. Furthermore, telling him to stop having contact doesn't mean it stops him from wanting it. Have you talked with him about the importance of having contact with her (i.e. what it means to him, what he gets out of it, etc.)?

 

Uhoh, someone has to want to stop a behavior on their own. Making them do it can create a host of problems; resentment for one. For example: I recently discovered that my BF has continued to lie and hide behind my back the fact that he has continued to do something that previously caused me much heartache and devastation. This second time, I have struggled tremendously more than before; however, this time I did not tell him never to do it again. What's the point? It would suffice only to appease me for a little while; however, it cannot address the core issue of why he does this behavior (why he wants to, what does he get out of it, etc.) I will not ask him again to stop and instead we are working towards understanding what he derives from this behavior, etc. It's hard, but I realize the behavior may stop, but the need or desire to do it does not and honestly, I would rather battle the need than fight against controling how that need is manifested..... if that makes any sense at all. :-) I could be wrong in this strategy....we'll see!

 

Good luck to you!

MoonDancer