Cautionary Tale: dating across world views

[Mrin]

Hey folks,

Wanted to share this here in case it can help someone else now or in the future.

4.5 years ago I met a woman in the middle of pandemic. We hit it off immediately upon meeting in person. But - we also discovered that we were about as far apart as you can get politically. She is an Evangelical Christian conservative and a strong supporter of Trump. I am a mountain hippie liberal with a strong belief in God (but don't identify as Christian). We decided to set our politics aside and see if we could make it work.

And it worked. Worked well. For 4.5 years. Until it didn't. What worked for us was never to discuss politics - ever. I am actually a political junkie and have, at times, been on both sides of the fence. I love studying politics, political history and ideology. She's relatively new to politics and isn't nearly as well versed. So, aside from the natural flash point of conflicting views, any political discussion or debate between us was always lopsided. So we just didn't talk politics. And it was great - highly recommend doing that again in the future as it protected our relationship from just the absolute polarizing bull crap going on these days.

But... You can only whistle past the graveyard for so long. Sooner or later political forces will end up affecting you personally and then you can't simply agree to disagree any longer. That moment came a few days ago.

One of my children (19) is non-binary and has been for a couple of years. The other day my (now) ex-gf and I were having lunch on a "staycation" in a town about 4 hours away. The topic of Trump's recent executive order declaring that there are only two genders: man and woman and that genders are assigned at birth came up. Despite never talking politics - we talked about it. Mainly because it was directly impacting my child. My now ex declared that there were only two genders and she was done using "made up pronouns" around people. I told her that what she believes is what she believes and I can't and won't expect her to change that. But, that I hoped she would honor the pronouns my child prefers. My ex said that to ask her to do that was religious persecution of her Christian beliefs.

I circled back around and asked her if she was saying that she wouldn't honor my child's gender identity in front of/to my child's face. She again reiterated that she would not be using made up pronouns and that my child is a female and as such, she will use she/her pronouns in front my my child.

I ended the relationship two seconds later. We were definitely on a path of spending the rest of our lives together. She even showed me engagement ring designs and I had started squirreling away money for the ring (she has expensive but very good tastes). We were definitely in it for the distance.

Until we weren't. How could I have a woman in my life disrespect my child to their face? How could I do that to my kiddo? Heck, my ex was probably going to become my child's stepmother some day. How could I invite that level of conflict and disrespect into my family?

To a lesser extent I also realize that if this is how my ex feels, then to expect her to use gender neutral pronouns to my kid that made her feel like she was going against her religion is also not workable. How could I expect my wife to do that to herself? So while I don't really buy her argument I do see it's validity. 

I'm not going to tell you it was an easy decision to arrive at. But it was incredibly clear cut. Almost like a line of code. If this then than. 

I'm also unsure why this came to a head for her now - after being around my child for 4.5 years. Perhaps she feels emboldened by Trump's actions. Perhaps she just feels like she couldn't bite her tongue any longer. Whatever it is, she took a stance and I acted. Sure, I will miss her. Miss her terribly. But, this is the first breakup I've ever had where I am 100% positive I did the right thing. There was no other choice. 

She did make some choices post break up (during the awkward drive home) that violated my boundaries and privacy that shocked me + she sent her daughter into my house to retrieve her belongings within asking me first. Which was upsetting. She also had some unkind words for me as we parted that seemed so unnecessary.

I ended up telling both of my kids exactly what happened. I wrestled with whether to do that and decided the truth was best course of action. They were both incredibly saddened by her actions but also extremely appreciative of my decision. I wish her well and hopes she finds happiness. Despite her views, she is an incredible person.

So there you have it. The dangers of being in a relationship with someone who has vastly different world views. So... Can it work? Yes. For a while. Maybe even a long while. But when those world views come home they can no longer be set aside. Avoided. And what was very workable becomes absolutely unworkable - in an instant. I know I won't try that again. Ha! Does that mean the other person needs to be in lockstep with me? Absolutely not. In fact, I wouldn't want it that way. But polar opposites is just too far. Somewhere there's a happy medium. 

Be kind to each other. 

 

Mrin

Edited February 1 by Mrin

[Gebidozo]

First of all, thank you for sharing this. I really feel for you. For what it’s worth, here’s what I think.

I think you probably did the right thing. You see, I happen to have the same opinion as your now-ex. I personally believe that there are only two genders and there is no sense in trying to change them in any way. I also dislike those new pronouns.

But here’s the thing. If my fiancée had a non-binary kid and she’d ask me to refer to that kid with a pronoun of their choice, I’d acquiesce without the slightest hesitation. I might grumpily mumble something to myself, roll my eyes maybe. But I’d be calling the kid “fe” or “ze” or “schmwle” or whatever the kid prefers in no time.

So I don’t think that your ex’s problem is her faith. It’s the way she uses that faith to justify self-righteous behavior that sorely lacks humility and compassion, which are core Christian values. Calling your future stepchild whatever they want to be called isn’t against Christian beliefs. Being judgmental and unwilling to make even a small sacrifice for a person you’re supposed to love - that was against Christian beliefs.

I could also point out the obvious double standard in her views of Christian morality. I assume she was willingly having a sexual relationship with you for over four years without being formally married. So fornication, which is considered a sin, was okay for her, a Christian, but having a different view on gender identity wasn’t okay for your kid, who is probably not Christian? That makes no sense at all.

I’ll bluntly say that fundamentalist religiosity, and generally a dogmatic adherence to any ideological system, is the problem here. It’s the lack of flexibility, the inability to distinguish between the surface and the essence, the love of forms and rules and rituals rather than the spirit, that invariably produces such mentality and leads to such attitude.

[Gaeta]

@Mrin: l am so sorry for what happenned. It's best you go your separate ways. You did the right thing, we protect our children at all cost.  I am sorry to say but she currently sounds out of control, it's best you let the dust settle down if you wish to talk about your relationship with her.

[BaileyB]

You made the right decision Mrin. 

 

Edited February 1 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

Some of the things at play and at stake in the USA in the past years, and especially at this moment, go far beyond "politics."