Here I am again…it seems

[Waynester]

I’ll try to keep it short and not the equivalent of a book.

I am 53 now and married. I was married previously, ‘97 - ‘10, and have 2 kids, both grown up and flown the nest. The ex ended it as she met someone else..on a dating site, whilst we were still together. I’d had major spinal surgery the last couple of years together, so that period was tough for all.

Anyway,  I was single again, bought my own house, and was single until I met my current partner, and now my wife in 2016. We married in 2019. Typical story, all was great when we first met. She had her own house, so we’d spend every other weekend at each others houses. 
So at this point, the physical ‘activity’ was equally instigated, but possibly a little more by my wife. And it was great.

We bought a house together 2019 as well as got married. The first few years, were fine.. But for the last 3 years or so, the physical side of our relationship has got less and less. The thing is with my wife, after a talk that I instigated a few years back, she admitted, she isn’t the hugging type. Since then, any physical contact, I’m talking sitting together on the sofa, spontaneous hugs, sex…has been done by me. If I didn’t hug her, or hold her hand when we went out, or hugged in bed, or told her I love her.. there would be know physical contact. She never does it, never says it without prompting, never.. And this really upsets me. It’s always me, always.. and I’m tired, and sad that she cannot just give me a hug now again. We/I have talked about this quite a few times. She admits, again, that she isn’t the huggy type, but still loves me. 
 

Work is pressure for her, and she does work hard. My wife is 47 now and at the end of last year has started a HRT patch as she thinks she is peri-menopausal. I have supported her, given her the space, just to focus on feeling herself again.. but even though I am married, I feel lonely. And that seems crazy to me. 
 

I don’t know what to do now? I can’t keep broaching the subject. I have even just tried a period where I didn’t do anything.. and we went 2 weeks without touching, in any way. So, I’m a bit lost with this.

Oh yes, an important bit.. When I have had the opportunity to talk about how I feel and how it’s making me feel, she shuts down. She doesn’t offer anything. She will just sit there, silent. And that is exasperating, when all I want is to hear her thoughts and opinions. Again, she said that she has always done that. She doesn’t like confronting feeling’s and doesn’t like arguing. Me neither. 

Anyway, thank you to whomever has read this far.. I tried to keep it short. If nothing else, it’s cathartic to just write down what’s going through my head at a million miles an hour..

I am just left constantly anxious by it all. 

[S2B]

That would be really disappointing.

to feel lonely within a marriage sucks.

from what you describe - is it different than years ago? Seems like it. If that’s the case then I would feel like she misrepresented herself - kind of like pulled a fast one on you.

either way - if this isn’t a union that makes you fulfilled and happy then I would end it.

personally, I would end it based on her inability to acknowledge your feelings! She could at least acknowledge how her behavior affects you. She could apologize. She could try hard to do more to make you feel loved.

but she doesn’t… and that would tell me everything - she doesn’t intend to consider YOUR feelings - and that’s the basis of any union. 

so really - she purposely ruined the marriage by her inability to acknowledge how she affects you, doesn’t consider your feelings and has no intention of changing.

so she has left you with no choice if you intend to have a happy future.

[Acacia98]

Is counseling an option?

[basil67]

Menopause may account for it, but with the loss of all non sexual affection, it's more likely to be related to the relationship or perhaps her health

Can you describe what your marriage is like emotionally?  Do you share laughs?  When did you last go on a holiday?  Do the two of you solve disagreements quickly and easily, without insults or raised voices?   Does either of you feel like you're doing more than your share of domestic or housework?   Do you have favourite TV shows you watch together, or shared hobbies?

How's her health in general? 

[ShyViolet]

One basic truth of life is that you can't change another person.  You have already tried talking to her extensively.  That hasn't worked, and she has made it clear that she isn't interested in working on this or changing this.  So this is not going to change.  Now you have a decision to make, whether you are willing to stay in a marriage like this, or get out of this marriage so you could have a chance to find someone else who meets your needs.

[Gebidozo]

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Loss of sexual drive is very common and normal, but what is alarming here is that your wife is unwilling to openly discuss the problem with you and address the issues.

There is a big difference between not feeling like having sex and not even touching and hugging a person.

You understandably need affection, and for some reason she is unwilling to display it. There might be some deeper issues here.

 

 

[S2B]

For her to purposely with hold physical touch is really hurtful - purposely so - especially since you’ve repeatedly explained what your needs are and she still stonewalls you.

thats mean! And quite the opposite of what love looks like for me.

since she hasn’t change to make even small effort since you’ve talked - she has no intention of pleasing your interests.

she’s not a good partner. A good partner would be willing to compromise. A loving partner would be making a lot of effort.

and you should NEVER need to beg someone to love you.

[Waynester]

Thank you all for your messages. Apologies for not replying, this week has been hectic for one reason or another. 
 

It has been another week of the same. I said one more time to her earlier in the week, why is our relationship like this, I even suggested (for the first time ever) if there was someone else? Or someone who has drawn your attention? She replied no of course not. But when I said I can’t cope with this anymore, she replied that I have a decision to make. Me, always me. 
 

I genuinely don’t think she sees an issue, and is more than happy to just continue as we are.. but for me, I am so utterly lonely inside. I day dream, no, I fantasise about her just giving me a spontaneous hug. A hug for no other reason than, she wants to hug me. It never happens, never. Not a touch, not hand hold, nothing, just nothing. 
 

Tonight is Saturday night. We have watched tv together as always. We watch various tv series that we both enjoy. But by 9pm we finish and start winding things up ready for bed. I use our en-suite bathroom to brush my teeth, wash etc.. She uses the main bathroom. I’m in bed first, and I read. She comes up 10 minutes later. And the procedure is identical every night, unless I suggest a hug. And then it’s me moving to her side of the bed, where she automatically rolls onto her left side, and we spoon. And that’s it. 
If I don’t do that, and it is rare now because I feel so tired and empty, then it’s the same stuff every night.. She reads or looks at her phone for 15 minutes. Puts cream on her feet. Takes her tablets. Puts her ear plugs in her ears. And that’s it. Lights out. And it’s like this 24/7/365 

I’m scared to have another failed relationship, a second failed marriage. I wish so much she was like she was when we first got together. She would offer most weekends, in the evenings a massage…which led to intimacy. This came from her……. But now, never. 

I just don’t understand… 

I have written far too much for you guys. If you have read this far (I am on the sofa downstairs, she is asleep upstairs), then I can only apologise for the length of my ramblings. I truly have appreciated your responses and opinions. 
 

As for my next move.. I have no idea. I just want a hug now and again. :( 

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Waynester said:

But when I said I can’t cope with this anymore, she replied that I have a decision to make. Me, always me. 

She's right.   When it comes to ending relationships, it's the unhappy one who makes the decision to end it.  I think it would be wise to change your mindset though:  Embrace your ability to choose to walk away from this misery and make a good life for yourself.  

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Waynester said:

But when I said I can’t cope with this anymore, she replied that I have a decision to make. Me, always me. 

You DO have a decision to make.  For her to say this, she is basically telling you that if you don't like the way things are you should end the relationship.  And it sounds like she wouldn't have a problem with that.

 

3 hours ago, Waynester said:

I genuinely don’t think she sees an issue, and is more than happy to just continue as we are..

She has zero intentions of working on this or changing this.  It almost sounds like she wants you to leave.  Now the question is when are you going to see the situation for what it is, stop going around in circles, and actually do something to take control of your life and have a chance to be happy again.  She is making it clear that your happiness will not be with her.

 

3 hours ago, Waynester said:

I’m scared to have another failed relationship, a second failed marriage.

This is already a second failed marriage.  Do you think it's better to stay in a marriage you are miserable in for the rest of your life?  Or set yourself free of it so you can see what else is out there?

[SurfCity]

On 2/8/2025 at 2:56 PM, Waynester said:

She would offer most weekends, in the evenings a massage…which led to intimacy. This came from her…….

Is it that every time she hugs you or touches you it leads to intimacy? Can she give you a hug or hold your hand without you going for sex? 

That may be the problem, but if it isn't, then it seems to me that you have to initiate everything including holding hands, hugs, massages that don't lead to sex, massages that do lead to sex etc. That doesn't seem like a reason to end a marriage to me, but if it does to you, then bite the bullet and leave. 

[Acacia98]

On 2/9/2025 at 1:56 AM, Waynester said:

But when I said I can’t cope with this anymore, she replied that I have a decision to make. Me, always me. 

I genuinely don’t think she sees an issue, and is more than happy to just continue as we are.. but for me, I am so utterly lonely inside. I day dream, no, I fantasise about her just giving me a spontaneous hug. A hug for no other reason than, she wants to hug me. It never happens, never. Not a touch, not hand hold, nothing, just nothing. 
(...)

I’m scared to have another failed relationship, a second failed marriage. I wish so much she was like she was when we first got together. She would offer most weekends, in the evenings a massage…which led to intimacy. This came from her……. But now, never. 

I just don’t understand… 

I have written far too much for you guys. If you have read this far (I am on the sofa downstairs, she is asleep upstairs), then I can only apologise for the length of my ramblings. I truly have appreciated your responses and opinions. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this painful experience. It's normal to feel scared about what lies ahead and to not want to be alone. But you are alone. She has checked out. Technically speaking, you are married. But for all practical purposes, she is your roommate.

Don't stay in place for too long, Waynester. What you're going through is a soul-destroying experience, and the longer you stay, the deeper the damage will go. It's important for you to accept the situation for what it is and to recognize that you are not completely helpless. Stop seeking affirmation from someone who has nothing to give. Look out for yourself. Show yourself love and respect: prepare yourself emotionally for the end of your relationship and start making plans to leave.

Edited 2 hours ago by Acacia98