I cheated on my husband.....

[Michael86]

I still have contact with him, but I am trying to cut all ties to this man. I definetly love his sex - very well-endowed with length AND width - he is a HELLuva lover - can keep going and going allllllllll night. That is THE only advantage he has over my husband. Problem is, that's my weakness - he completey fufills my weakness. I don't want to tell my husband. I did tell him last summer that I was sexually tempted by this guy (hubby met him once) and my hubby was soooo hurt. Since it's only happened twice and I don't want other man what should I do? I've been faith to my hubby for 13 + years not even a kiss. I plan on going back to being that person again instead of the slut i've become.

 

You're in the early lead for most shallow person of 2006 award. You've risked throwing away 13 years and destroying a good man because you f*#&ked a guy who is well endowed. And by the way, you don't get points because you were faithful for 13 years and you ONLY did it twice. You threw that all away. You knew damn well what this would do to your husband and you did it anyway. It doesn't sound like you love and respect your husband much.

 

Interesting how we haven't heard from you. Alot of people have responded and no word from you. Perhaps you're not too thrilled with the feedback you've been given.

 

My opinion - if you really want to "own your dirt" as you say, come clean with you're husband. He deserves to know what kind of person he is married to and whether he wants to stay with you or not. And NO contact with this other guy.

[MoonDancer]

The first thing my SO asked when I told him of my infidelity was, "how could you risk our health like that? What if he had a STD?" I was so, so stupid but thank goodness, I was lucky!

 

It doesn't matter if your OM wore a condom. If you had oral sex without a dental-dam, you still put yourself (and your husband) at risk for STDs. Actually, let's say you used condoms and dental-dams. Safe? No! What if he had "genital" warts on the back of his throat while you were kissing him? Unlikely? Read the statistics on genital warts, also called Human Papillomavirus (http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/user/mfrisby/statistics.htm):

 

HPV infects 75% of sexually active men and women in their lifetimes; that means that 3 out of 4 of your friends who are having sex will get it or already have it!!

There are currently 20 million people in the United States who have HPV and 5.5 million more get it every year.

HPV infects more people every year than any other sexually transmitted disease (STD).

 

Like me, you did an incredibly stupid and selfish thing. My advice is to get yourself immediately to a health clinic for examination and then make an appointment with a counselor!

 

Good luck,

MoonDancer

[reservoirdog1]

StrivingtoSucceed raises an excellent point that I'd like to echo.

 

By not coming clean, Dietcoke is making up her husband's mind for him. She is deciding, without giving him any input into the decision, that he is going to stay married to a cheater. Add that onto her decision to risk his health by exposing him to STDs without letting him have any input.

 

Spectre is also right. The marriage has already been dealt a massive blow; the only difference is, her husband doesn't know it yet. If you've gone and stolen money from somebody, are things still peachy-keen between you just because they don't know about it?

 

It's possible that Dietcoke's husband will get over her cheating. One of the things the cheating has done is demonstrate, pretty damned clearly, that there's a problem in the marriage. That doesn't justify what she did. But how the hell can he be expected to change things or to know how serious the situation is, without knowing what she did?

 

Refusing to come clean is simply selfish. Dietcoke, by staying silent, you are robbing him of the choices he is allowed to make about his own life and his own future. Yes, he may end the marriage because of what you did. But you know what? Actions have consequences. Welcome to the reality of adult life.

 

You're already a cheat and a liar. Don't become a thief as well.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

If I found out my gf cheated on me I'd be hurt, if I found out she cheated on me 6 months prior and since then ive been showering her with affection, gifts, and my love, and all of this time she had cheated and not told me? I'd feel borderline retarded, I'd feel taken advantage of, and I'd just feel so incredibly horrible about myself. Really, if you care about this guy at all you'll tell him

 

Thank you for your testimony, via omission, to support the ONLY common sensical answer to this.

 

 

And what would happen if you never found out that your gf cheated??

[reddog63]

You cannot move forward with your husband towards the future until you deal with the past. To begin dealing with this past you must tell your husband. Anything other than that is still cheating (IMO) and continuing to dishonor your vows.

 

What the hell does that mean.........move foward??? Sorry, but that is bullsh_t. Sounds like physco babble.

 

And for the poster who answered my post by saying he would tell wife she was fat if that was the case...........cough....bullsh_t....cough.

 

Have any of you researched this subject. Meaning, what well trained counciling professionals say is the right thing to do. What you are telling people is wrong advice IMHO.

[reddog63]

Refusing to come clean is simply selfish.

 

I say the oppisite. To tell him is selfish. SHE should carry the guilt and not selfishly lay it on husband. It would do no good but to torment the husband for years to come for the sake of being NOBLE and DOING THE RIGHT THING.

[dietcoke]

Dietcoke, now you may have some STD from the other man. In the worst case HIV. You need to wait six months (so called "window period," see: http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/pubs/faq/faq9.htm) before you can take a test for HIV. Therefore to make sure you will not infect your husband with HIV, you need to quit sex (even oral) for that long. Can you do that without raising suspicions? I don't think so.

 

You have two choices:

1) tell the truth, don't have sex for six months, and show your husband you care,

2) lie and perhaps infect your husband with some STD.

 

I do not have any STD's I got checked for all of that. Also, I bought a home access HIV tested and tested negative. I will take another one at the six-month mark, but 3 months is definitive unless you had another disease that could've potentially comprised your immune system.

[dietcoke]

You cannot move forward with your husband towards the future until you deal with the past. To begin dealing with this past you must tell your husband. Anything other than that is still cheating (IMO) and continuing to dishonor your vows.

 

I agree with you, honestly. My hubby knows I was VERY tempted by this other man. I told him before it happended because I was struggling in an area I had never been tempted in and I didn't want to fail. I felt if I disclosed everything then I would be less likely to fall into a full-fledged physcial affair. I screwed up the first time I let my heart and mind image anything other than a friendly hello-goodbye situation. I want to be honest, but my hubby told me if If I ever failed that way (meaning physcial) that if I intended not to do it again he would not want to know because the of the pain the emotional affair caused him. Again, I own this situation COMPLETELY, it was NOT A MISTAKE IT WAS A HORRIBLY POOR DECISION, I have not responded to OM's request for more sex, I simply can not do it. I am a Christian I failed, I realize my mistake and I don't want to keep living in BLATANT sin. It's just wrong. I am glad you have been "harsh" with me because I need to hear the truth about this situation. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!?

[dietcoke]

There are but two reasons why you could possibly want to tell your husband that you cheated:

 

either

 

1) You are a complete fool

 

or

 

2) Your true intent is to sabotage the relationship you share with your husband, and wish to inspire him to break up with you, rather than you being bold enough to do it.

 

 

 

Don't lose track of the obvious: You can always tell him later, but you'll never be able to un-tell him once you confess.

 

(if the affair is over, and you weren't caught, then leave it in the past, silently)

 

 

The affair is definetly over. The last time we had sex was in Sept. The guilt I experienced was horrific. I can not describe it, I will not live that way. I want to tell my husband but he has asked me NOT to tell him if that ever happended because of the pain. That is why I am in such a bind. I just want to do what is right, since i've obviously done so many other things wrong.

[dietcoke]

I hope you will resolve this issue soon. I'm sorry to hear that you are ruining your marriage.

 

For how long did you want to have an affair? Was it something that popped a year ago or was it brewing for a long time?

 

 

I didn't EVER want to have an affair that is why I told my husband what I was struggling with. I was hoping my honesty about the situation would keep me from falling. I struggled with the emotional affair for 16 months before caving in physcially.

[dietcoke]

Put it behind you, totally. You already said how hurt your husband was by you mentioning you found someone else attractive. He would be DESTROYED by this information. Why would you tell him that anyway?? It is kind of cruel and hurtful.

 

Being with someone two times is bad, but you can just call it a fling. It's nothing like carrying on the deception for YEARS like many of these writers. They are in way too deep and don't walk away until there's major damage to all parties involved.

 

You made a very poor choice, you know it, time to move on and put it behind you.

 

Guess what? Even great sex is not everything. I'll take a weak lover willing to work at it than some studly guy whose only real value and skills lies in what he can do in bed. And I like sex A LOT.

 

If your husband lacks a little in the love skills department, get some pornos, a little bit of visual instruction can go a LONG way. You can rent them through the mail at sugar dvd online. It works like Netflix, very discreet. And he just might enjoy seeing your freaky side and be more adventurous. A man does not to be monstrously hung to send you over the edge. Two of the worse lovers I had were "big" men. But that's all they thought they needed to do was intercourse. Not too creative. Very boring and somewhat painful when all was said and done.

 

As someone once told me "You don't throw away a Cadillac just because it's got a dent in it." Work with him and work on your marriage. Good Luck.

 

Thank you for your delivery. I already feel lower than low about this or else I would not be crying out for help this way.

 

When I told hubby about emotional affair, all I wanted him to understand about me was just because I didn't believe in premarital sex, and just because I had only had sex with him (at the time) it didn't mean I wasn't vunerable and able to fall. I, of course, would NEVER have thought I could've fallen this way because I was NEVER tempted to do this. My hubby had taken a job working nights and weekends, I was extremely loney, and OM was just there, I NEVER intended on this - would've bet my life that I would never have committed adultery because of my morals - never been drunk, promiscious, did drugs, steal or anything. I've always been basically a "good" girl. I think my lack of experience actually made it harder for me. Obviously I know right from wrong, but I was really sucked in and overtaken in an area I didn't think I would fail in.

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to talk to a therapist, just so you can come to grips with what you've done...Not only to your husband, but to yourself. Let the therapist help you cope and figure out a way to talk to your husband. Then you two should head to marriage counselling and fix what's missing from the marriage. That is, if that is what you both want.

[Moose]

And for the poster who answered my post by saying he would tell wife she was fat if that was the case...........cough....bullsh_t....cough.

I would. Most definitely. The difference between Mrs. Moose and I, and the, "dietcokes" is that Mrs. Moose is MY BEST FRIEND.....

 

I can confide in her, and she in me.

 

She'll let me know when she's sexually frustrated. She lets me know when and where I'm lacking, in any area. And I honor her in the same manner.

 

I'm not afraid, and I am willing to go, "knee to knee, you to me", with my wife, and ask, "Is there anything I can do or try to change that'll make you happier?", and actually apply myself to make it happen. And she....is most willing to do the same.

 

And so should all marriages be in my opinion.

 

This is what total honesty does in a marriage:

 

Honesty would've prevented this whole mess dietcoke is in.

 

Honesty would've prevented Mr. Dietcoke's pain. (If she does indeed honor him by confessing)

 

Honesty would've prevented lil' dietcokes pain, (If there are any, noone bothered to ask that question...... )

 

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

[whichwayisup]

DC, if the situation was reversed...Wouldn't you want to know? Or would you rather not know.

 

What if he finds out by someone else? What if you were seen? Or your OM tells him what 'his' wife has been up to. People talk and love gossip... Never say never. Stranger things have happened...

[Moose]

DC, if the situation was reversed...Wouldn't you want to know? Or would you rather not know.

 

What if he finds out by someone else? What if you were seen? Or your OM tells him what 'his' wife has been up to. People talk and love gossip... Never say never. Stranger things have happened...

This is true......never thought of that.....

 

Also, just to add to what I just posted....

 

You need to make a commitment to your husband. BEFORE you tell him.

 

What I mean by that is, you need to search yourself and determine how much you love your husband, and how much work you're willing to put into this marriage before you even bother to tell him.

 

Are you willing, if he forgives and keeps you, to be submissive to him? To work on ALL of your short comings?

 

Not that you'll have to become his slave, but more to serve him in the way you wish he would serve you.....by that I mean his helpmate more than anything else.

 

Are you willing to help him overcome his shortcomings? (no pun intended ), To be patient, pure, and long suffering while he makes those changes?

 

Since you're a Christian, you should know how to find these answers...you just have to follow your heart on this one, and you know it......

[Presario]

Also, I bought a home access HIV tested and tested negative. I will take another one at the six-month mark, but 3 months is definitive unless you had another disease that could've potentially comprised your immune system.

 

I'm glad to hear that you don't have STDs. I hope the next time you will test again negative for HIV. Good luck!

[Presario]

What if he finds out by someone else? What if you were seen? Or your OM tells him what 'his' wife has been up to. People talk and love gossip... Never say never. Stranger things have happened...

 

I know one marriage where the affair has been hidden for ten years. Finally, the mistress told the wife about it. The mistress and the wife were friends. One way or another, your husband, Dietcoke, will learn the truth. Maybe in a month, maybe in twenty years.

[Neptune]

Quote Presario

One way or another, your husband, Dietcoke, will learn the truth. Maybe in a month, maybe in twenty years.

 

Good Point:(

[Presario]

Dietcoke, thanks for replying to my post.

 

Do you think the affair was preventable? If so, what could have prevented it? I'm asking because you and my wife share similar qualities: no alcohol, no cigarettes, no drugs, not even coffee! I'm her only partner, and she says I'm a great husband. Honestly, she is a great woman. However, I wonder what the chances are she will end up like you. Thanks.

[dietcoke]

Presario,

 

The affair was definetly preventable as I look back. My husband is my best friend, we do everything together and we get along like a couple of teenagers in love. After he took the second job working nights, I began to feel very lonely. I didn't want to be selfish and demand that he stop working because I know he was doing it to benefit us.

 

I was working out, my sex drive increased and my husband was experiencing sexual dsyfunction. I took it has he didn't desire me and OM made me feel sooo desirable(I now know that's all apart of the plan). As I look back I see that his sexual dsyfunction happened to coincide with the new job - he was just tired from working SOOOo much and it affected our sex life as a result. Emotionally I began to detach myself from my hubby because he wasn't around. I never went anywhere with OM in public, still haven't. I stayed around my family on the weekends so I would not be tempted to go to the movies or out to eat with him. OM has tried to get me to talk about my hubby negatively but I can't and I won't because he is the best person I know. I told him I will never discuss my marriage with anyone. Marriage is personal to me and everything isn't everyone's business. OM was a vulture and I was the prey. I was honest about my temptation to my husband I told him I was very sexually tempted. I think he relied on the fact that I was a good person (good people screw up to) and he thought I'd resist, but I will tell ANYONE now, good or not temptation is a helluva fight to endure alone. Just think about being starved physically and someone dangles a steak in front of you, almost all of us would fall prey to it, even though we know red meat isn't good for us. I was starved emotionally and disconnected from my hubby, OM was 'dangled' in front of me and I exchanged the truth for a lie. It is the worst thing I've done. Just always be there for your wife, never take her for granted and assume that good morals will never be challenged. Oh, and BTW I don't drink coffee either!

[cygny]

so if you were tempted, why didn't you just refuse to be alone with this other guy. you know that men have to do the same thing, avoid temptation by not putting themselves in strip clubs etc.

 

it's not necessarily true that your husband will find out about the affair. he may never know if you don't tell him. if you did I don't think he could handle it and he has told you as much. instead, learn to avoid temptation and work on the problems you have with your husband so this will never happen again.

 

the only question is, now that you have had super-sex with a stud, will you be able to be faithful for the rest of your life? or will you eventually miss it and rationalize another ONS?

[Marcus as the Peanut]

Hi!

 

You still havent answered my Q!

 

read your old post´s ,so how did he go from being a pig to sleeping whit him??

 

what made you betray your husband twice? Just curious???

 

another thing, you write about your loniness that made you stray

 

do you have a plan for what to do two years down the road, when you feel lonley? are you going to stray AGAIN then or???

 

You wrote"My husband is my best friend, we do everything together and we get along like a couple of teenagers in love" and yet you strayd Hmmm

 

whats wrong with that picture!

 

You wrote"After he took the second job working nights, I began to feel very lonely. I didn't want to be selfish and demand that he stop working because I know he was doing it to benefit us. " And yet you strayed! Again whats wrong with that picture!!! is that all it takes for you to spread your legs???

 

i wonder how its gonna be two years from now,if that is what it takes..

 

You wrote"I never went anywhere with OM in public, "

 

you suldent have socialised with him in the first place,PERIOD!!!

 

 

You wrote"I was honest about my temptation to my husband I told him I was very sexually tempted. I think he relied on the fact that I was a good person (good people screw up to)and he thought I'd resist, " Poor him to think so,This is the reason you shuld tell your husband

that you cheated on him. Your right that even good people screw up

 

but good people dosent screw up twice. And your not that god person as you seem to think you are...And He has the rigth to now that.

 

 

 

You wrote"Just think about being starved physically and someone dangles a steak in front of you"" Am sure your usband thought that he was that stake...

 

You wrote" I was starved emotionally and disconnected from my hubby, OM was 'dangled' in front of me ""POOR little you , for a short period of time you felt lonly, and thought SO WHAT lets have sex with someone else...and bitch

 

about it laiter..

 

 

You wrote" Just always be there for your wife, never take her for granted and assume that good morals will never be challenged"" your husband never took you for granted , your own words.look what it got him...

 

 

i seriulsy think you shuld tell your husband and after that seek som profesional help..... to sort out WHY !!!!!

 

 

Take care

[Marcus as the Peanut]

Be careful that your OM ,dosent start blackmailing you in to have sex with him

 

That has been nown to happen..Just another reason to tell

[Sup?]

You never went anywhere with OM? So you slept with OM in your and hubbys bed while hubby was out bustin his butt for you and him? Apparently you were riding OM, (woman on top) having orgasms, and never even thought of hubby at the time working his heart out. Not tring to sound gross, ok.. I'm just tring to give a hint here, please tell hubby all in presents of clergy members "privitely" and let him make a chioce rather than forcing him to live a BIG LIE.

[dietcoke]

so if you were tempted, why didn't you just refuse to be alone with this other guy. you know that men have to do the same thing, avoid temptation by not putting themselves in strip clubs etc.

 

it's not necessarily true that your husband will find out about the affair. he may never know if you don't tell him. if you did I don't think he could handle it and he has told you as much. instead, learn to avoid temptation and work on the problems you have with your husband so this will never happen again.

 

the only question is, now that you have had super-sex with a stud, will you be able to be faithful for the rest of your life? or will you eventually miss it and rationalize another ONS?

 

 

I have super-sex with my husband. My husband is very well endowed and a wonderful lover. Sex with someone that loves you and has been with you for sooo many years is so much more meaningful than the sex I had with OM. I can be faithful for the simple fact I will avoid the situation completely with any man again. No more men who are supposedly "friends" I never had one before OM and won't have one after him other than hubby or a relative. I will never go anywhere alone with another man I will always have a third party present, and emotionally I won't open my heart to anyone else. For 13 years I stopped any advances men made before they even started, the one time I let my guard down I got screwed - literally. Plus, waiting for HIV results was agonizing. 3 months night after night of no sleep wondering if I contracted a deadly disease or WORSE passed it to my husband. The guilt was enough to make me want to die - seriously. I've NEVER felt like that and I can't handle the consequences of such terrible actions. I played it the right for 13 years and I can assure you the sex isn't worth the heartache or the trouble.