I cheated on my husband.....

[cygny]

Now you say "maybe," but before you said "I really don't see it ever coming out into the open since it was quite discrete." So "not ever" or "maybe," baby?

 

um, ok

 

"i don't really see" = doubtful

see, both leave the door open for the possibility. it's a question of statistics and circumstances. all we know is that there were 2 incidents, both at OM's house and so no one could have seen OM hanging out at dietcoke's place etc. not alot of secret meetings, not an ongoing affair, that's pretty much it. and OM has alot to lose financially if he tells.

 

That's sweet of you. It's easy to respect that wish.

 

BTW, when I tell you "I'm so unhappy that I don't wanna live anylonger," will you kill me?

 

well you are suggesting that she kill her husband emotionally and don't mind, so perhaps this is not a joke on your part?

 

 

Cygny, please, point out where I insisted, because I can't see it!

 

It's Dietcoke's decision, and I woudn't insist. I enjoy talking with her, and I want to learn from her mistake. I hope that my posts will help her cope and figure out what to do next.

 

I didn't say "you" insist, I said "to" insist, hun.

and in the prior posts I say that in general it seemed alot of posters, mostly male, were pressuring, even demanding, that she tell him.

so not directed to you specifically, (although you do seem to be continuing to beat this horse. )

[whichwayisup]

You know, speaking of babies, she probably shouldn't have any right now with hubby, because of this.

 

Having a child will not help or make the marriage better. God, I HATE hearing that couples decide to have another baby to try to fix the marriage. That will just bring on another set of stress and problems.

 

Marriage counselling is the key here. Let the MC decide if she should tell her husband or not.

 

I do agree, that secret could come out one day...Either by an unknown source who saw them together, the OM could indeed if he wanted to mess her up...Or what if he pops on LS and stumbles across his wife's threads! Never say never...

[Presario]

all we know is that there were 2 incidents, both at OM's house and so no one could have seen OM hanging out at dietcoke's place etc. not alot of secret meetings, not an ongoing affair, that's pretty much it.

 

True, it's unlikely someone have seen. But the chances that the OM gets back depend little on whether it was a one-night stand or a long affair.

 

and OM has alot to lose financially if he tells.

 

Now he may lose, but when he's broke in a few years, we will lose nothing. His fortune seems volatile if this affair can ruin it, and therefore he may lose it easily in other ways.

 

well you are suggesting that she kill her husband emotionally and don't mind, so perhaps this is not a joke on your part?

 

I don't know what you mean.

 

so not directed to you specifically, (although you do seem to be continuing to beat this horse. )

 

Yes, I would prefer to know about an affair. But I don't know if this is the best solution for Dietcoke and her husband. Dietcoke knows best what to do, because she knows her husband best. I don't feel like telling her what she should do.

[dietcoke]

so how come you kept seeing him then????

 

 

The emotional affair started at work. I wasn't "seeing" him except for at work, and the two times I was jackass enough to go to his house.

[dietcoke]

Tell your husband about the affair and seek marriage counseling with him. He will find out sooner or later. If he finds out from someone other than you, then its 100% over. If he finds out from you then that's something you two can build your marriage back upon.

 

Trust me on this. Even as a christian you have the responsibility to tell him. This OM is NOT A FRIEND to you or your husband and by you not telling him is just adding more insult to injury. Knowing your husband is hanging out with a guy who had did this is awful. I should know first hand. My ex-fiancee was having an emotional affair with my now ex best-friend.

 

You need to do this for him (your husband). This will put a permanant stop to this OM's advances as well.

 

Just to clarify OM and my hubby aren't best friends. My husband hates him (not really hate - but really dislikes him) because of the emotional affair situation. He doesn't hang out with him they only met once because we were out eating and OM was there (this was before the affair).

 

I know the right thing to do. My hubby's brother is going through a divorce (hubby has seen his brothers pain they were married for 20 + years told me he NEVER wants to experience that type of pain) and we discussed adultery again this week, hubby says as a Christian that if I ever did something like committ adultery if I was repentant, and believe me I am, he would forgive me. So there is hope. I am praying about the situation.

[Sup?]

Just to clarify OM and my hubby aren't best friends. My husband hates him (not really hate - but really dislikes him) because of the emotional affair situation. He doesn't hang out with him they only met once because we were out eating and OM was there (this was before the affair).

 

I know the right thing to do. My hubby's brother is going through a divorce (hubby has seen his brothers pain they were married for 20 + years told me he NEVER wants to experience that type of pain) and we discussed adultery again this week, hubby says as a Christian that if I ever did something like committ adultery if I was repentant, and believe me I am, he would forgive me. So there is hope. I am praying about the situation.

 

I had a thought... People at work places TALK... I MEAN TALK! stuff gets around SO fast it's amazing! Hopefully no one saw anything.

[mental_traveller]

There is a lot more to gain than lose if you get away from this OM and stay with your husband and keep your mouth shut.

 

Almost nothing to gain by "honesty" He likely will not ever get over it.

 

For HER, you may be correct. However, obviously HE has a huge amount to lose if she keeps her mouth shut - he will be monumentally deceived about the nature of his wife and his marriage.

 

If you cheat on your spouse, it is not your place to decide for them whether or not they ought to know. You have to tell them, so they know the truth about you and the marriage, then let them make the decision. The cheater is the one in the wrong and has no right to continue the deception by hiding what happened.

[Neptune]

Quote mental-traveller

If you cheat on your spouse, it is not your place to decide for them whether or not they ought to know. You have to tell them, so they know the truth about you and the marriage, then let them make the decision. The cheater is the one in the wrong and has no right to continue the deception by hiding what happened.

 

Hmmm....Good point:(

[Sup?]

I had been struggling with an emotional affair that I've succumbed to. I have been married for 8+ years to my husband and was extremely happily married when this other man walked into my life. My hubby and I where going through some sex issues at the time, I wanted more and more sex but it just seemed that he didn't desire me. I'm not making excuses just giving a bit of insight into what lead me into this affair. Sexually my husband - until Sept. - was the only man I'd ever been with my entire life (I'm close to 30 y/o).

 

This other man can't compare to my husband as far as having character or any of the above (just because I fell prey to this situation doesn't mean I've lost my ability to recognize character and integrity - I realized I've comprised mine BIG time). My husband is a WONDERFUL man that any woman would LOVE to have...After all these years I STILL don't have anything negative to say about him. I just made an extremely poor decision (not a mistake - I own my dirt completely).

 

I slept with this man knowing he had a girlfriend. I didn't know she existed until I was WAY in over my head, but none-the-less it didn't stop me. He wants me so bad has told me he will leave her and we can move away and this man is DEAD SERIOUS. I had sex with him (twice) but my curiosity is gone and I've NEVER said anything about leaving my husband EVER to him. He has even told me he wants me to have his child. I still have contact with him, but I am trying to cut all ties to this man. I definetly love his sex - very well-endowed with length AND width - he is a HELLuva lover - can keep going and going allllllllll night. That is THE only advantage he has over my husband. Problem is, that's my weakness - he completey fufills my weakness. I don't want to tell my husband. I did tell him last summer that I was sexually tempted by this guy (hubby met him once) and my hubby was soooo hurt. Since it's only happened twice and I don't want other man what should I do? I've been faith to my hubby for 13 + years not even a kiss. I plan on going back to being that person again instead of the slut i've become.

You said you are trying to cut all ties with this man... I hate to say it, But, You may have to quit your job to cut all ties:confused:

[DevinWolfe]

I have to agree with mental traveller. My ex and i took a break a while before our final break up (granted it wasnt a marriage) and she lied to me about some things having to do with other guys. When she finally came clean after i took her back it devastated me because she hid it from during the relationship, during the break, and then again as we were getting back together. I made my decision without even knowing the truth and later was even more heartbroken than i would have been. He deserves to know.

 

Not trying to guilt trip or offend in any way you but he has a right to know.

[Milo]

You said you are trying to cut all ties with this man... I hate to say it, But, You may have to quit your job to cut all ties:confused:

 

Really puts the point on the "Don't fish off the company pier" saying. Might as well kiss the marriage goodbye otherwise.

[Presario]

Dietcoke,

 

In your post a year ago at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56489/ you wrote about the OM:

 

As it turns out he is a complete and total pig. Very manipulative, deceptive, and a compulsive liar to say the least. (...) Did I mention I also found out he is still MARRIED, but legally separated?!! His girlfriend of course has NO IDEA! I can't wait for his bubble of lies to bust! (...) The longer I am away from him the clearer the picture becomes to me that he is worthless. He is honestly one of THE most selfish people I know.

 

And then you had sex with him.

 

What's more, in the same post a year ago you wrote:

 

There will be no more male friendships (he was never a friend anyway). I will not open the door and flirt with tempation and make a complete and utter fool of myself like this again.

 

This makes me doubt whether what you wrote a couple of days ago is true:

 

I can be faithful for the simple fact I will avoid the situation completely with any man again. No more men who are supposedly "friends" I never had one before OM and won't have one after him other than hubby or a relative. I will never go anywhere alone with another man I will always have a third party present, and emotionally I won't open my heart to anyone else.

 

Do you mean it or you write it to feel good?

 

(...) we discussed adultery again this week, hubby says as a Christian that if I ever did something like committ adultery if I was repentant, and believe me I am, he would forgive me. So there is hope.

 

How do you repent? By chatting with us?

 

Your husband deserves better.

[Sup?]

In my first post I may have sounded a bit offensive, for that I appolgize. I am a Christian as well, but maybe not a very good one. However I can sorta relate to finding out stuff. ( Some stuff changed here to protect ident. ) There was a festival that came to town, and I wanted to go so I asked mom if she would take me, but she said she had to work. So I thought I would ride my bike down to the festival, I didn't say anything about it. So I went down to the festival and had a good time. The next day or so later I go to school and I entered class, and some kid/s mentioned to me they saw my mom with another man at the festival, the shame I felt hearing that was unexplainable, or the pain of it, I thought it wasn't true, It all had to be a lie:( I remember I just kinda put my head down on the desk, as the teacher called the class to order. I mentioned it to dad but don't know what ever came of it. I don't think mom even knows I heard of this. Somehow I knew even then kids don't make this stuff up. Crazy huh?

[jmargel]

Just to clarify OM and my hubby aren't best friends. My husband hates him (not really hate - but really dislikes him) because of the emotional affair situation. He doesn't hang out with him they only met once because we were out eating and OM was there (this was before the affair).

 

I know the right thing to do. My hubby's brother is going through a divorce (hubby has seen his brothers pain they were married for 20 + years told me he NEVER wants to experience that type of pain) and we discussed adultery again this week, hubby says as a Christian that if I ever did something like committ adultery if I was repentant, and believe me I am, he would forgive me. So there is hope. I am praying about the situation.

 

The only way he CAN forgive you is for him to first know about it. I'm telling you Dietcoke, the guilt will eat ya alive along with the worry that he might find out by some other way. I wouldn't want to live with that fear. 5, 10 or another 20 years from now he might find out. Karma has a way of playing it's magic.

 

On top of that until your husband knows, you two can't deal with this problem and put it behind you. Right now you are just hiding it and will continue to until you tell him. You owe it to him as a wife to give him the opporunity to make the next choice in this mess. You say you love him well then prove it by being honest.

 

We all know you are scared because you don't know what the future holds, but what I can just about guarantee is that if you don't tell him things will eventually spiral downward even more. Use you being honest with him as a foundation to build your commitment with him again. Trust in his love for you that he'll get through this with you (together) and you both become a stronger person for it.

 

God only helps those who helps themselves. You know what the next step is..

[ticke]

Hi Dietcoke,

I had mixed feelings when I read about your situation. Of course you have made a mistake and it's clear that you feel guilty, and rightly so. You have certainly attracted a lot arguments on this forum - so much that so many people's positions seem to have become entrenched and in some cases dare I say it, not very constructive.

 

It is difficult for me to say to say this as a married man myself, but I feel certain that you shouldn't tell your husband. I think some of people who are suggesting you should are attempted to get you "punished" for your action. If that was the only consequence of telling him, that might be OK, but of course the effect on your husband would be devastating. I suspect one of the reasons for wanting to tell him is to try to reduce your feelings of guilt, in which case it would really only be a selfish act. It would not be fair to him, having betrayed him already, to then "rub his nose in it" by letting him know about it. It's good that you feel guilt, and in some way having to live with the knowledge of what you have done is in some small way a partial punishment. What's done is done and unfortunately you can't take it back. The only way you can attempt to even partially make up for it is to redouble your efforts to be a loving and loyal wife from now on.

 

I did just wonder though, since you slept with him twice. What was it about the first time that made you go back for more, whereas after the second time you were strong enough to resist temptation? Did he still pursue you after that second time?

 

Best wishes

tickle

[amerikajin]

I think ticke got it right. I think the ones urging her to tell her want her to get punished; I don't think it is necessarily the best advice to help their marriage in the long run. He is going to be devastated either way, and telling him will not soften the blow - I know that if it were me it might even make it worse hearing it straight from her.

 

Whether to tell or not depends entirely on the circumstances.

 

You definitely should admit to it if you get busted. By all means, come clean then and start talking about the mini-affair, what led to it and where you stand now. The others do have a point in that you will be a difficult woman to trust, but honestly, you've already proven you're untrustworthy by cheating on him, you'd be only slightly more untrustworthy by covering it up. I think that if you can just put this behind you and move on, time will make it less likely that you'll get caught.

 

Otherwise, keep your mouth shut. And at the same time, figure out what it was that really led to the sexual encounter. What would concern me is that it happened not just once, but twice. It just seemed so impulsive.

[whichwayisup]

But by not telling him could also allow her to have more affairs or one night stands in the future. By telling him, and being open, fixing the problems with him being privy to ALL the information, could stop her from doing it again. What is stopping her now? The guilt? So if things go bad again or her needs aren't being met, isn't it easier for her to go outside of the marriage and get comfort that way than it is for her to sit and sort things out at home?? The temptation might be there again...

 

And by reading the past posts, the guy sounded like a real a-hole and you even called him a pig...Yet he still managed to get you into bed...Willingly.

[amerikajin]

But by not telling him could also allow her to have more affairs or one night stands in the future.

 

That's something she has to reckon with right here and now. Some people can stop, some can't. If she's not the kind of person who can't stop, she needs to be honest with herself about that, and in that scenario she might want to have a very frank discussion about the state of her marriage. But if she is truly able to put this behind her, then she needs to do just that.

 

Why did she do it? Because she was horny. It's as simple as that.

 

There are a lot of people who love their spouses who just want a little action on the side, or want to feel young again, or who get bored with their partners. I'm not saying I condone affairs, as I would be as hurt as anyone if my s.o. cheated on me. But I think we need to get past the uber-piety that invariably comes with any discussion on adultery. Seems to me marriages eventually get old in an overwhelming majority of cases. Not very p.c. but the divorce stats back that statement up pretty well, I think. Even in marriages that don't end in divorce, one partner or the other or even both have cheated on each other in a majority of cases. People were made for monogamy so that they could stay together and use their collective resources to build the family and keep the population going. But at the same time, we were also wired to have lots of sex. Can't get around that basic fact. You can want to nail the hell out of your secretary and still love your wife at the same time.

[dietcoke]

But by not telling him could also allow her to have more affairs or one night stands in the future. By telling him, and being open, fixing the problems with him being privy to ALL the information, could stop her from doing it again. What is stopping her now? The guilt? So if things go bad again or her needs aren't being met, isn't it easier for her to go outside of the marriage and get comfort that way than it is for her to sit and sort things out at home?? The temptation might be there again...

 

And by reading the past posts, the guy sounded like a real a-hole and you even called him a pig...Yet he still managed to get you into bed...Willingly.

 

 

He was and is a pig. By the time I found out he was a pig I was already in too deep. I'm telling you all those "in love" infatuation feelings really BLIND you to alot of things. It's only in retrospect that I wonder where the hell my head was at.

 

Honestly the second time I did not plan on having sex with him. It's been many months ago (Sept). He has still tried to pursue me, but I have not given in since Sept. He does realize that I'm not going there anymore with him. One more plus is hubby and I are moving out of town, and he isn't from my state orginally anyway - he's only been here 2 years. So he doesn't really know alot of people. We will be relocating to another state 2 years anyway.

 

 

Oh and we don't work together. We never did, I was a courier that delivered to the factory he worked at. He doesn't work there anymore has since taken a job at another location.

 

Hubby and I have discussed the reason for the emotional affair we have been doing a very good job at correcting alot of things. We are almost back to normal. I think once we move and I can completely remove elimanate myself from the neighborhood and town it will be alot better. I'm not eaten up with guilt anymore because I realize like David in the Bible that confessing your sin to God helps remove the guilt. I was so guilt stricken before prayer that I was barely able to be in my husbands presence. It was terrible, but after reading the Bible the Lord has taken away my guilt. I just feel my hubby has the right to know, but he told me not to tell him....

[Presario]

But by not telling him could also allow her to have more affairs or one night stands in the future. By telling him, and being open, fixing the problems with him being privy to ALL the information, could stop her from doing it again. What is stopping her now? The guilt? So if things go bad again or her needs aren't being met, isn't it easier for her to go outside of the marriage and get comfort that way than it is for her to sit and sort things out at home?? The temptation might be there again...

 

Whichwayisup, I agree with you. Hiding a previous affair doeasn't make a new one harder, while something should be done to prevent a new affair. In a few months, when Dietcoke gets horny again and her guilt is gone, she might be ready to roll again. I hope, however, that I'm wrong.

[whichwayisup]

He does realize that I'm not going there anymore with him.

 

DC, then you better make sure he completely understands that IT IS OVER. I'm telling you, if he decides to do a 180 you are in deep trouble. You never know what lengths someone will go through when they aren't thinking clearly. (Just read DepressedWaiting's posts.)

 

Presario, I hope you're wrong too. I hope she learns from this and never allows it to ever happen again. And if she feels like things are getting worse to STOP and THINK, then TALK and FIX the marriage instead of 'acting' upon urges.

[Presario]

I hope she learns from this and never allows it to ever happen again.

 

I hope too, but it's hard for me to belive it. We read her posts from a year ago. Back then others gave her great advice, she seemed to be on the right way, and she failed. And she wrote full of heart posts on how others helped her and how she's liberated. Before I read these one-year-old posts, I pictured Dietcoke as a person who somehow lost the way, but works hard on fixing her marriage.

[crazy_grl]

dietcoke, you seem like a pretty shallow and self-centered person to me. I read your posts from a year ago and they were pretty much the same as your recent ones, focusing a great deal on physical aspects (usually bragging about how good looking you, your H, or OM are) and on getting what you want without all that much sympathy for other people's situation. I think you should start individual counseling, especially if you're not going to tell your H about the affair or go to marriage counseling. I'm not qualified to diagnose, but I think this is an issue that you have to deal with within yourself more than an issue of whether or not your husband meets your needs.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's just the way I'm seeing it.

[Sup?]

I don't see why they didn't get meds for hubbys dysfutional condition, They may have helped. Why or why not? If you don't mind me asking. Others can learn from other peoples mistakes.

[Guest3333]

No offense, but my lover once told me the same thing. "I wouldn't want to know".. he has high emotional swings where he can become suicidal given the right circumstances. Would it be easier for me? Yes, because the burden is lifted on my shoulders but then placed upon my lover's... is that any fair?

If you are not going to do this again and truly feel the pain of your actions and are willing to work on yourself, keep it to yourself if you don't think he can handle the info. If he can handle it, it's good to be honest. I honestly am lucky I don't have to make this type of decision.

We don't KNOW THIS MAN (hubby of cokediet)!! Only the wife and he knows- and THEY WOULDN'T even know- the full hurt bringing out this info will be.

It's a TOUGH call and fortunately, You dietcoke will be the one who gets to make it.