Feeling isolated, I'm all ears

[Thought I Would Stop In]

Hi there! Thanks for reading. I’m in my late twenties, been married for almost a decade to my wife whom I am extremely grateful for. I am one of the least-lonely-but-still-lonely guys I know of: I have friends, but feel like I can’t speak to them about this stuff.

I feel like I don’t deserve to come on here and be heard by anyone when comparing to other peoples’ situations. My wife IS an amazing wife: she’s competent, hard working, keeps the home well, always cooks for me (she LOVES cooking that for me), takes good care of me, we don’t fight or scream at each other, she doesn’t get nasty toward me with her words. On top of that, I love how fun-loving and adventurous she is, and she’s absolutely beautiful.

My issue is how my self-esteem has been damaged, mainly. My wife loves me as in serves my needs, but she doesn’t seem to like me, and almost never has seemed to. “Like” as in being drawn to me, admiring anything about me, being attracted to me. She doesn’t think I’m a bad husband, but doesn’t seem to see much in me that’s worthwhile either. She has admitted to me that she doesn’t find me ugly, but made it clear that she doesn’t find me attractive either.

The odd thing about that last point, and believe me, I’m NOT boasting, is that I have never had any problems with attention from any other women, to put it mildly that way. Not that I ever wanted that anyway, even in high school. And plus, people throughout my life always seemed to think I’m an exceptional guy, but I don’t feel I could say anything on that.

The point is I’ve always been liked in general, and been given much unwanted attention by women, but the irony is that with the one woman I’m married to, it seems that’s all reversed. A bit of cruel irony, since my wife is the only one I want those things from in the first place. I ADORE my wife, we have never cheated on each other, and I have always had eyes absolutely only for her. At worst, I have had thoughts (but refused to entertain them) about how gratifying or nice it would be to have any other woman be nice to me or express attraction toward me, just to not feel invisible. So this feels like a strange prison. Maybe a low-key “nice guys finish last” thing. It’s... extremely isolating. I feel EXTREMELY invisible.

This is why I figured I’d reach out. I don’t know what to ask you for. Whether I’m just looking to vent to you, or just to experience emotional support or an encouraging word. But I’m sure you understand that, oddly, being vulnerable to strangers can sometimes feel more comfortable than being vulnerable to people you know. I will say up front that I’m a pretty sensitive guy. I’m not a crier, never self-harmed, don’t have any emotional or mental disorders, but I do take in what people say.

ALSO:
I am typing all this with more relaxed grammar and punctuation than how I naturally type because I didn’t want my explanation to read too formally or stiffly, and I didn’t want to come across as difficult.
Plus I’m deliberately not sharing certain info about myself and my wife (race, religion, whether we have kids, lifestyle, etc.) because I don’t want to influence your reactions, especially making you unconsciously restrict the types of responses you’d give me if you had that info.
I would appreciate getting any type of response you want to say to me. Advice, encouragement, support, observations, even questions, anything. Everyone is extremely warmly welcome to offer their response.

[Gebidozo]

You’re probably going to get different advices from different people depending on their worldviews and priorities. There is no one correct way to deal with your problem. It’s all about what matters to you most.

I can only speak for myself, but I would never marry or have a serious relationship with a woman who doesn’t find me very attractive and isn’t head over heels in love with me. It absolutely wouldn’t matter to me how great she is, how good she looks, how well she cooks, etc. The one thing that matters most is that she loves me the same way I love her.

Now, some people are okay having partners who have lukewarm feelings for them. The problem is that I don’t think you are one of those people. You seem to be suffering from your wife’s lack of appreciation and affection. You say that you feel isolated, as though you were being held in a prison.

I’m sorry, but if I were you I’d be getting a divorce. I wouldn’t want to be subjected to the daily torture of being around someone who doesn’t love me the way I love her. I’d let that person go, because she deserves to be with someone she does love. And I’d get over my feelings and start dating other women and eventually be with someone who does love me.

 

[basil67]

Perhaps it would help if you explained why you married her.  And why you married so young.  

I'm interested in you having altered your words to not appear too stiff or difficult when presenting to us.  Would you say that you're stiff and difficult in your marriage?    And the fact that deliberately omitted race and religion so as to not skew our views suggests to me that it's somehow related to the problem.  Why hide something that's not considered to be an issue?

Edited February 3 by basil67