Navigating new relationship with partner who has been abused in past

[RedBear]

As the title states I’m looking for some advice or pointers on how to navigate my new relationship. I’m struggling with some things that I haven’t previously experienced.

Here’s some background: I (25M) met my now girlfriend (24F) online and we hit it off. She’s gorgeous, smart, and has a strong character. She works a tough job with big hours. It naturally grew with the amount we were communicating over the phone and after about 8 or 9 fantastic dates, including meeting her family and her meeting mine, i asked her to be my girlfriend. We’ve been officially together for just over a month.

One thing she’s shared with me is really quite private, and she made a point of telling me that she hasn’t shared this with many people: She was abused by a previous partner. I only know that it ended in a courtroom and that it was physical abuse, but I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable by asking too many questions about it, as I know it is a sensitive topic.

I’m wondering how much this still affects her now, and can see signs of it often since she shared this with me. I feel really upset and sometimes angry that someone could do this to someone they are in a relationship with. Obviously I haven’t shared that with her, for better or worse, I’ve tried to keep my questions and feelings about it to myself as I’m petrified I will make her uncomfortable or pry too much. 

I believe the effect of her past manifests in certain ways: for example when we are kissing she is very sensitive of my hand placement and will suddenly grab my hand away (I’ve never been overly sexual with my hand placement, I mean more in a loving and affectionate sense such as holding / caressing her head with one hand as we kiss) while I absolutely do not have a problem with this at all, and it doesn’t bother me that she doesn’t like my hands in certain places - to me it is an indication of the way (and severity) that she has been mistreated in the past. I have made the effort to be conscious of where my hands are in this example, and never put them anywhere where I don’t think she would feel comfortable because I value her sense of safety over any of that, although in the heat of the moment there has been a time where I’ve slipped up. Not intentional, it just upsets me that she feels unsafe in that moment when I really just want to make her feel loved. 

I can see it popping up in other areas too - and here is where I feel I am struggling: although we are officially together now, it doesn’t feel that way to me. I understand I’m a young man and every relationship is different - I’ve only had one serious one before - but every other girl I’ve dated or been with has showed more excitement and initiative in building a relationship together. 

I am always the one to initiate plans unless someone she knows wants to meet me - it’s never her idea to see me if she plans something, she doesn’t initiate plans on her own terms. This could partly be her personality, but she does seem a lot more reserved than others and I wonder if this is related to the abuse she has suffered. We have not spent the night together and have been going on dates for the last 4 or 5 months. We have not slept together. She will not change clothes in the same room as me. She rarely initiates physical affection which is important to me (I feel the closest to someone through physical touch), although she has stated she is working on it (and I will continue to be patient with her). She can be hard to set dates with, and generally won’t let me know when she’s free to see me until at least a few days has passed since our last meeting. I am very aware of how my physical touch and compliments (she doesn’t take compliments well) has the potential to make her feel and often feel as if I am walking on eggshells around her out of a fear that I will make her feel unsafe.

I must make it clear that it is not an issue to me that we haven’t had sex together or anything like that. I want to be patient with her and go at a pace that suits both of us. Although all of the above has been weighing on me, I feel a connection with her deeper than my longing for these things to change, and I’ve come to realise the subtle ways she shows me care and affection aren’t as glaringly obvious as I might show to her, but they are absolutely beautiful regardless. Some of the above  are observations of a bigger picture that sometimes make me feel that I’m not as close to her as I’d really like to be. I really care about her.

Something to note is that I may be hyper sensitive to a lack of reciprocity from my last serious relationship where I genuinely felt my patience, kindness and willingness to do anything to get the relationship to work was taken advantage of and I was used and spat out. I’ve since moved on from this and don’t ever want to be in that situation again. However, I am aware she is different to my ex and don’t believe I am being used by her.

My big questions are these: how can I help her feel safe around me? How can I facilitate a conversation with her about this that minimises the chance of her feeling unsafe, or that I am asking too many questions? How can I show her that I am here for her and want to have a real relationship full of care and mutual respect? How can I become closer with her? Is this just a patience thing, and something that will change with time? I really value our relationship and the time we spend together, and I want to put all of my best self into it. I just worry that her past makes it hard for her to have what I believe we both want. 

Thank you for reading 

 

[BaileyB]

You sound like an absolute gem, she is lucky to have found you. That said, she has got some work to do still, asked on what you have described. I would have the conversation in much the same way that you have done here - ask her what she needs from you to feel safe in the relationship. I would also encourage her to get some counselling, if she isn’t already doing so. What you describe - the fact that she moves your hand, has not wanted to be physically intimate, and can be hard to set dates with are all big red flags that she has not done the work and she is not ready to date yet. 

Edited February 3 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

There's nothing you can to do make her feel safe with you besides what you are already doing.  These are issues that she has to work through at her own pace.  You can't rush this.  It kinda sounds like you are almost trying to rush the process and rush this relationship.  She is letting you know through her communication style that she is not ready to jump head first into an intense relationship, and she needs to take it very slow.  All you can do is let her set the pace, don't try to put pressure on things or rush it, and respect her boundaries.  You should be able to have an open and honest conversation with her about these things.  Don't pester her with a million questions, just be supportive and respectful and don't be overly eager or pushy.  If you want to make this relationship work you'll have to be very patient and be willing to take things very slow.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long ago did her abusive relationship end, OP? 

[smackie9]

The is a hotbed for white knight syndrome and codependency. It is not your responsibility to "rescue/make her feel secure". She needs to work on herself, get counselling, and stand on her own two feet to heal from her past. Give her her space, and just be supportive. There is nothing more damaging than having this as a main focal point in a new relationship. Tread carefully. 

Edited Tuesday at 03:52 PM by smackie9

[RedBear]

Hi all thanks for the replies. I’ve been thinking about it ever since she shared with me about what happened but haven’t asked any more questions or talked with her about it so I have no idea on when it happened. I’ve never been abused or have known someone who has been abused so I’ve overthought it to the point I don’t know how to navigate. I think it might be good to casually open a conversation about it - but I don’t want it to be a main focal point of our relationship and agree that it is not mine to work through. I’ll support her by being patient and understanding and giving her the space to come to me and open up at her own pace. 

What has been on my mind and part of the reason I posted on this forum revolves around my own needs in a relationship. To be honest I’ve had doubts about it as the things that I’ve described have at times left me feeling confused / unwanted etc. That scares me when I would generally expect this period of time to be exciting and easy in the relationship. I don’t want to be the one carrying the relationship and putting in the work to see her and generally giving more than I’m getting. 

This may sound harsh and selfish, but I do have to look after myself first and have had a tendency not to do that by putting the other persons needs above my own in the past. I know how that ends and won’t do that at the expense of myself again as it isn’t healthy for either of us. 

I think the way to go about it is exactly what’s been hinted at here: be supportive, patient, and generally let her set the pace. I know in my heart of hearts she’s trying her best, and after reading these replies it sounds like whatever has gone on for her in the past is a big part of the way she is now.

I’ve got a happy life on my own and lots of different hobbies. I’m not looking to break it off with her and don’t want to find someone else (she’s pretty darn cool), so I’ll just do my best to chill out on it, be patient, be myself and see where it goes.

[smackie9]

On 2/5/2025 at 1:36 AM, RedBear said:

Hi all thanks for the replies. I’ve been thinking about it ever since she shared with me about what happened but haven’t asked any more questions or talked with her about it so I have no idea on when it happened. I’ve never been abused or have known someone who has been abused so I’ve overthought it to the point I don’t know how to navigate. I think it might be good to casually open a conversation about it - but I don’t want it to be a main focal point of our relationship and agree that it is not mine to work through. I’ll support her by being patient and understanding and giving her the space to come to me and open up at her own pace. 

What has been on my mind and part of the reason I posted on this forum revolves around my own needs in a relationship. To be honest I’ve had doubts about it as the things that I’ve described have at times left me feeling confused / unwanted etc. That scares me when I would generally expect this period of time to be exciting and easy in the relationship. I don’t want to be the one carrying the relationship and putting in the work to see her and generally giving more than I’m getting. 

This may sound harsh and selfish, but I do have to look after myself first and have had a tendency not to do that by putting the other persons needs above my own in the past. I know how that ends and won’t do that at the expense of myself again as it isn’t healthy for either of us. 

I think the way to go about it is exactly what’s been hinted at here: be supportive, patient, and generally let her set the pace. I know in my heart of hearts she’s trying her best, and after reading these replies it sounds like whatever has gone on for her in the past is a big part of the way she is now.

I’ve got a happy life on my own and lots of different hobbies. I’m not looking to break it off with her and don’t want to find someone else (she’s pretty darn cool), so I’ll just do my best to chill out on it, be patient, be myself and see where it goes.

She's pretty darn cool....that's what you would say about a friend. Maybe that's where you should leave this...as a friendship. 

[ShyViolet]

On 2/5/2025 at 4:36 AM, RedBear said:

This may sound harsh and selfish, but I do have to look after myself first and have had a tendency not to do that by putting the other persons needs above my own in the past.

It's not harsh or selfish at all, actually.  It's simply what an emotionally healthy person does.  If a relationship is one-sided and not meeting your needs, then you are in the wrong relationship.  You are not her therapist and it's not your place to help her work on her issues.  If she's not able to be present in the relationship then she is not ready to date.  She might not have the self-awareness to be honest about that, but there might come a point where you have to come out and say it for yourself.

[MsJayne]

Possibly a big part of her attitude towards your relationship has to do with a phenomena attached to abusive relationships. Her ex-abuser probably started out as Mr Nice Guy, just like you. The person doing the abusing usually doesn't start dishing it out until they sense that their partner is fully emotionally involved, and that can take months, sometimes even a couple of years, depending on the personality types of both the abuser and the victim.  She may be aware of this, particularly if somewhere during her recovery period she's learned about abusive relationship patterns and the capacity of abusers to hide their true personality for as long as it takes to win the victim's trust. She may have an internal watch dog telling her not to get involved past a certain point because that point is where the abuse begins, and for many women sexual intimacy is that point. In my own experience of relationships, and many other women I've spoken to over the years, it's a sad fact that a lot of men become disrespectful once they've achieved the Holy Grail of bedding a woman. It starts with a bit of casual devaluing of the woman, a snide comment here, a bit of deliberate jealousy-provoking behaviour there, followed by the inevitable gas-lighting that every abuser engages in. Next thing the victim's being yelled at and steam-rolled into keeping silent, and if they don't they'll likely end up being hit or choked, etc. They learn that standing up for themselves can lead to being beaten silly. It's way too common, and it can make things very hard for the nice guys, as you're discovering. I'm not sure if I read it right, but if she doesn't like you putting your hands near her neck I'd take a guess that she may have been choked, a terrifying experience, and for all you know she may experience symptoms of PTSD and be holding back because she doesn't want to burden you with it. If you want the relationship to continue and progress I suggest asking her if she'd like to talk about how the relationship has affected her view of men and what you can do to reassure her that you're not going to turn into Mr Hyde if you take your relationship to the next level.