Should I be concerned or overreacting?

[Tommorgano]

My girlfriend and I had a long conversation about trust yesterday, where I called out behaviors and things she says that haven't sat well with me.

I do have trust issues, but I explained to her that her actions and words don’t do much to ease them. I also made it clear that if there isn’t a change, I won’t continue to engage in this relationship. I do believe she’s faithful (or at least I hope so).

Anyway, I need some perspective on this because it happened that same night. Am I overreacting?

We were texting, and things started to get a bit hot from around 10:30 onwards. Some naughty things were said back and forth. We don’t usually have conversations this explicit over text. After a while, I sent her a naughty video, and she liked it. But immediately after, she suddenly said, ‘Okay baby, good night, I love you.’ It felt really abrupt—completely out of nowhere.

I just responded, ‘Okay, good night, love you too.’ Then, she asked me to send the same video but make it longer. She also asked me to send it on a different messaging platform since one-time-view wasn’t available on the one we were using.

I sent it over, and she opened it. She responded by saying she wished she was there. I replied to that, and she saw my message but didn’t respond. I went to sleep. Then, 30 minutes later, she replied with a single ‘hot’ emoji.

The strange part is that she remained active on that messaging platform until 1 AM. She almost never uses this platform—sometimes she goes days without logging in.

I’m worried because why would things escalate like that, only for her to suddenly say she’s going to bed, then react to the video 30 minutes later, and then remain online on a platform she rarely uses until 1 AM? It doesn’t really add up. We don't have anytjing explicit on that platform between the two of us, and the video was one-time view. She couldn't have watched it more than once. 

Should I call her out on this, or am I overthinking it?

Edited 18 hours ago by Tommorgano

[Gebidozo]

I’m sorry, I read your post twice and I still don’t understand what you’re upset about.

You’re asking whether you should call you out on “this”… On what? 

Edited 17 hours ago by Gebidozo

[Tommorgano]

I guess I'm overreacting then? "This" in this case would be wondering why she'd abruptly say goodnight right in the middle of a heated conversation but remain on a messaging platform until 1am that she only uses a couple of times a week.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This is the same girl from your other thread who still chats with former FWBs, right? 

Is that you real concern here? That she was also up late at night chatting with one of them? 

[Gebidozo]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is the same girl from your other thread who still chats with former FWBs, right? 

Is that you real concern here? That she was also up late at night chatting with one of them? 

Oh, well, that changes things. Thanks for the reminder. Note to self: always check former threads because some OP’s tend to leave out crucial context.

OP,  like I already told you in the other thread, I’d be okay with my partner occasionally chatting with people she used to sleep with, as long as there is no sexual content or overt flirting in those conversations. If you’re not okay with that, you have to tell your GF. You can’t just mistrust and suspect her and torture yourself over something that you aren’t fine with in the first place.

Either her conversations with her ex-FWB’s bother you and then you need to set boundaries, or you’ve learned to accept them and then you shouldn’t be suspicious or jealous.

 

[Tommorgano]

Hey guys - yes, this is the same girl. 

I asked her a few days ago about whether or not she spoke to these former guys and she handled it absolutely dreadfully. When I asked, she read the message and took almost ten minutes to respond. Following that, she asked if I "wanted a call instead". I said I'm okay with a call but just tell me here as it's easier. She said it would be "easier to call". Of course I almost died during all of this. I already had some major trust issues with her, so her avoidance, unwillingness to just say NO, etc, was very worrying. I told her I wanted a straight answer, and 5 minutes after reading the message, she said No. 

I didn't respond at all then. I was too exhausted after such a simple thing. We spoke on the phone two days later, and I've recalled that when I pushed her on this again, she choked a bit and then said she hasn't  "initiated" any conversations with anyone. I've thought about the choice of words all day today. Why not say she's not talking to anyone and if they try she ignore/blocks? She did acknowledge that she's done many things to erode trust though, which I appreciated. 

However, the thread above happened that same night. I'm wondering is it worth considering. 

Honestly, it been so mentally and emotionally exhausting that I think I'm going to put a bullet in this thing. I've told her I want the day to myself as I need to clear my head and I'll speak with her tomorrow.

Edited 10 hours ago by Tommorgano

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is already toast. 

Too many problems, too little trust, too many blurred boundaries. I would end it and walk away with my dignity intact. 

[Tommorgano]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

This relationship is already toast. 

Too many problems, too little trust, too many blurred boundaries. I would end it and walk away with my dignity intact. 

I understand. Can I get some perspective of recent events from you? 

[ExpatInItaly]

My perspective is that I wouldn't tolerate a partner being in close contact with former FWBs and certainly not telling you about the great sex she had with them (which is what she did, according to your other thread)

That would have been a dealbreaker already. I just wouldn't bother dating someone who showed me very clearly that we have fundamentally incompatible boundaries. Whether or not she was up chatting with one of them until 1am isn't clear. It could've been anybody. 

But it doesn't matter. The point is that this relationship is already existing within a  framework of distrust. I wouldn't knock myself out trying to make it work. Things like this will come up again and again, and erode the relationship and my sef-respect every single time. I would simply move on and leave her to it. 

Edited 10 hours ago by ExpatInItaly