Marriage ending strangely.

[BBR8e5]

Hi

 

I would like to run this by you as I find myself in a situation that I never expected to be in, or realised was possible. It sounds really strange and maybe it is, or maybe it's more common that I think. However even if it is common, the individual circumstances around it surely make it strange and to me, doesn't sit right. I would like to get other people's take on it and where people think I should turn from here. Apologies for the long windedness or rambling if it comes across that way...

 

My wife and I met 11 years ago. We hit it off instantly, however she was pretty open and honest at the time that she didn't physically feel the "spark" as much as she would have liked. I'm not sure if I did or not, because we hit it off so strongly that I honestly didn't even think of it, but I know that for me it was not a problem. Her issue was my weight (I am hardly massive - less than 13 stone but I do carry more around my belly than even I would like) and again, she was honest about this. It led to some conflict for her, because we got on so well, she said that everything else clicked but she just wasn't feeling this thing that was important for her. I tried to be as supportive as I could, didn't take it personally etc and we kept in touch and saw each other as friends for about 6 months or so, however the connection carried on growing and eventually she decided that this issue was not strong enough to hold back our relationship and we went for it, got together as a couple and quickly progressed to moving in together and planning a future. 11 years on, we have been married for 2 and a half years, have 2 children (8 & 5) and both have careers and a home which we own outright (more on that shortly) with a bright future ahead. HOWEVER, this issue still hasn't gone away. We have never had the most red hot sex life and we tend to blow hot and cold in our relationship. We have a loved up week, followed by week where she clearly has this issue (I'm actually marginally slimmer now than when we met) and it has clouded everything. She has told me how she felt with previous partners and how I don't stand up to what she wants in that department and it's really a killer. She doesn't say it in a nasty way, and I do really actually sympathise because we like what we like and I get that, but I have been through the mill with it over and over again where one minute she tells me that she realises this issue shouldn't bring us to our knees and isn't so important but then the next, she can't see past it. It has led to arguments, feelings of inequality in the relationship and me being diagnosed as depressed, which I am taking treatment for. 

 

I have been no angel either. I had some gambling issues a few years ago (maybe related, maybe not but no shying away from responsibility on my end) which have caused us to live with an element of debt for the last few years, added to the argument dynamic and no doubt stifled the physical side of the relationship too, although these physical issues have gone on much longer than we have had financial trouble and we have also had some brief glimmers of success with the physical through the financial and argument problems.

 

Each time over the last 11 years that this issue has plagued us, she has come round to the conclusion that we have too much to lose and things will get better. When we get close to ending it, she tells me that she loves me too much to let me go and that she has had a snap of realisation that these feelings are much deeper than the shallow issue we have. I used to believe her that things will get better but over the years, my patience has worn thin, I've started to put more emphasis on how it all makes me feel and what I'm missing out on (a healthy sex life...we are both in out late 30's so by no means 'past it) and realised how unhappy it is making me. But I've always clung on and tried to make it work, maybe naively.

 

However, this is what makes it unique...I mentioned above that we have our own home that we own outright. We are in a fortunate position where my wife's dad has some very successful businesses, which she has a stake in. She doesn't work for them and has a career in her own right, but she stands to become very wealthy when he sells up, which he is in the process of doing. About 6 years ago, he started that process, and a chunk of money was given to her and we bought our house. We own it equally and we very much saw the money as joint, hence the shared deeds. I have staunchly said throughout our relationship that whatever happens, I do not ever want to touch what is ultimately her inheritance, even if legally I could but if we were to split up, she would have to buy me out of the house, as I would not financially have the means to buy her out. The process of the business sale has gone on for years and during that time, we have made plans for the type of family holidays we could have, house upgrades, kids to private school, cars, businesses we can invest in etc. etc. even despite our issues, this 'new life' has been talked of and I guess I have stuck around through all the tough times and harsh things that have been said to me over the years with one eye on this level of luxury and maybe it could be the making of us and provide a level of comfort for other stuff to flourish. Again, maybe naive of me.

 

After all the years of looking forward to the life changing money coming to her, this week is literally the week when it's going to happen, and guess what...she has opened up about this issue again but this time, she is certain that it is insurmountable and wants to split up. I mean, I don't actually disagree that maybe we are doomed, however I can't help but feel aggrieved about the ironic timing and decisiveness about it. In fact, I feel played and strung along. If I stick to my guns and only look to take half the money from the house, it leaves me in a position where I have seen the bad times through and then been dropped like a stone once the life change is about to happen, over an issue that has been there all along. I'm losing that future because I look similarly (slightly better) than the day we met. I will have to sit by and watch her, the kids and any new partner live the life of luxury with fancy holidays, nice houses etc. while I carry on with a pretty standard level of life. If I decide to push and see if a solicitor could get more (I am not even sure if I would be entitled to anything more given that none of the business assets are in my name and they existed before we got married) I'm a bit morally conflicted as I have always said I don't want to get involved in anything but the house. Should I just swallow it and accept the feelings of being played like a fool or should I let the anger I feel about it take over and get what I can?! 

 

I am very conflicted, confused and annoyed about it all and don't really know where to turn!!

 

Apologies for the rant!

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, I feel for you, brother. I really do. I experienced a version of the problem you are experiencing. Only thank God, the woman who finally admitted she was not turned on by me, thank God, she dumped me.  I say my thanks because I wouldn't have likely continued on in the relationship. On the other hand, I dated a wonderful woman who I just wasn't really turned on by and it was work--seriously hard and exhausting mental work-- to continue in that relationship. 

I'll cut to what I learned from my situation. First, it's self-defeating to get involved with someone not viscerally attracted to you. I would even say it's self-destructive, a form of self-rejection and denial of your own worth as a person and as a partner. 

Criteria #1 & #2 for a romance to even have a hope of working. I have to really, powerfully want to be with them (and that includes attraction) and they have to really want to be with me (and that also includes attraction). It is raw, physical attraction (which isn’t just based on “looks” by the way) that allows a partner to see some other hot person and then say to themselves, "I got X and I'm lucky to have X." 

It doesn't surprise me that your wife (soon to be ex) goes up and down in her feelings. Yep, that's the curse of being with someone you aren't fully comfortable with. No matter how good a time you have--or even great sex--the question of "Am I really turned on by them" keeps coming up. That question just does not go away for the partner who doesn’t feel the attraction for the other.  

BTW: your wife is only guessing and speculating when she says it is your weight that was the turnoff for her. Sure, most of us have a type and many of us have been highly attracted to (and un-conflicted about) people who aren't our type. Could be pheromones. And the research says humans don't consciously smell those pheromones. It's beyond something conscious. You could lose 100 pounds and her attraction level has a 90 percent chance of staying the same. And btw: you would still probably feel only tentatively accepted and appreciated by her, because you had to turn over your whole life for her to be attracted to you. (Rule #3 of dating: you accept the person as they are. And you feel accepted as you are—even as you strive to improve on some aspect of your life.)

Now to go deeper, I sense an overly "nice," overly giving pattern you have fallen into with your wife. Dude, you have to be fully fair to yourself in a relationship with another. If you are not fully fair to yourself (which includes selfishly asking for—not demanding—all that you really want-- you will paradoxically lose the respect of the other person and you will diminish yourself. 

Example, you say, I do not ever want to touch what is ultimately her inheritance, even if legally I could but if we were to split up, she would have to buy me out of the house, as I would not financially have the means to buy her out.

Excuse me, the law is the law for a reason. The law isn’t perfect, but it's designed to help societies through various human conflicts and situations. Why would you reject money if legally you were entitled to it? That’s being borderline abusive to yourself. I'll ask you this: If the situation were flipped, I bet you would not hesitate at all to make sure she got all that she was legally entitled to.

So, what to do: go to consult a divorce or family attorney. Consult several—usually first meetings are free in many cases. And ask the attorney for what you are legally entitled to (they will get to this) ... Also! …  Also--and this will be your challenge--drop all the self-sacrificing nice-person, martyr routine (which btw, runs in my family) and think about what kind of settlement would make you feel somewhat whole about this entire marriage and dissolution. The fact that you have so much anger and resentment (and I'm not judging that) means you feel used, which means you likely feel deep in your body that asking only for part of the house is unfair to you. Well, ask for all of the money you are legally entitled to and tell the lawyer what amount makes you feel pretty dang whole!

About your previous words to her about you only want half the house and all of that, chalk that up to your previous thoughts and feelings. You are allowed to CHANGE your thoughts and feelings about what's fair. That you are agonizing on previous words—when you are clearly in great pain—reflects the effects of neglecting yourself. Changing our mind is allowed and is the way we correct poor thinking. Drop this nice-guy nonsense (it's killing you!) and ask for the full amount you want, not just are legally entitled to. Lawyers often settle outside of what's legally required. 

And use some of that settlement to go to a really excellent therapist so you can really stand for yourself as you date the next person. You are going to need to stand up for yourself when it comes to working out custody and kid-sharing with this woman. 

Good luck. Be sure to get to some good counseling or you'll repeat this same situation and inequality again in your next relationship. 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

BTW: your wife is only guessing and speculating when she says it is your weight that was the turnoff for her.

I’d say more, she’s either lying or deluding herself into thinking the problem is the weight.

OP, real attraction doesn’t depend on issues such as this or that body shape, a bit more or less weight here and there, etc. These are just lame excuses people make to explain their lack of attraction. Unless we’re talking morbid obesity or something similar that’s harmful for health and impedes sexual practices, it’s all just talk.

Never be with people who aren’t attracted to you or hoping to change you so that they might become attracted to you. That never works. Either there is an initial strong attraction and then nobody cares for bellies or out of shape bodies or some such, or there is no initial strong attraction, and then it’s all useless and pointless anyway.

I won’t mention the other issues because @Lotsgoingon has given you a detailed response and I fully agree with his analysis.

 

[heartwhole2]

Nobody forced her to marry you and have children with you. I find it cruel that instead of deciding the attraction issue within herself, she has dragged you through an endless wringing of the hands over it. For some reason you two are involved in a toxic dance where she makes you feel bad for being your fabulous self and then you make up after she's sufficiently rubbed it in.

I'm going through an (originally) unwanted divorce myself right now. If you two continue on this path, your feelings about the money are bound to change as you become more detached emotionally. I would consult a solicitor regardless since this is a complex situation with inheritance and business interests involved. You want to be sure that what you think you are entitled to is in fact correct. And I imagine her family will be telling her to get one as well.

My husband's girlfriend's husband (read that five times, ha) and I have a mantra . . . "Thank you for letting me go." I didn't feel it at first, but now five months in, those words are starting to feel like a given, not an aspiration. I would not have let go of the relationship, but it wasn't serving me. 

[S2B]

See an attorney asap! I find her timing despicable - no one made her stay previously - but she intends to leave the minute she gets money? That’s not an accident! That’s mean!

make sure you get enough to secure a future - and to feel safe with your kids. 

and never ever settle again for someone who doesn’t adore you! 

[MsJayne]

@Lotsgoingon has pretty well said it all, so I will only add this. Your feelings about all of this are completely valid, so let your anger be your guide here, you're being crapped on, fight back. Seek legal counsel and find out what you're entitled to, and then go for the jugular. To openly criticise your appearance, and keeping you around like some sort of convenience, is a**hole behaviour, and you've worn it for 11 years! Enough! If she ever really loved you your physical appearance would be irrelevant, real love transcends all that stuff. She should have been counting herself lucky to be with such a kind and fair-minded guy. Whatever she looks like, she's ugly inside, so any new partner she preys on will find that out soon enough and maybe one day you may even get to have a sly cackle when some new man takes her to the cleaners when he's had enough of her shallow crap. Please stop being so nice, be sneaky about lining up your legal ducks, don't even give her the slightest inkling that you're not going to be a doormat, unleash it at the last minute so she has no time to go hiding any assets. She's always had a problem with your belly, so she shouldn't be all that surprised when it turns out you're not gutless .  Let your mantra be, "Bring it, b...h!" and get what's yours. I wish you the very best of luck, and I hope when you're free you end up with a good woman and live a great life. 

Edited February 6 by MsJayne

[BBR8e5]

Wow, some incredible support and advice here. Thank you all for taking the time to feed back on my predicament. It genuinely means alot and yeah I guess although I already knew and felt alot of it, it's good to see that I'm not alone and/or being selfish here.

 

When we get to this stage, I genuinely feel bad for her because ultimately, its not her fault she doesnt feel that level of attraction. I mean, she is a very very good person and I know 100% that she feels shitty for making me feel so bad and also doesn't mean to hurt me. She is not evil and wicked but yeah the timing of this decisiveness has struck me as odd. I certainly don't think it's pre-planned but I do think it's showing an absolute disregard to me. I guess I need to just put all that aside and look after myself

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, just get to a lawyer and go for all you can get. Let the lawyer negotiate for you.

You need to resist any and all temptations to allow yourself to conduct the negotiations with your wife. If you negotiate, you'll you'll get a bad settlement and feel like dirt and feel used and you'll be defending her. Meet with several lawyers and pick one you trust, feel secure with and who has a good history. Let them negotiate with her lawyer. 

Trust me: in five years, you'll see the wisdom of what people are saying here. 

[basil67]

My 2c You haven't said how much your previous gambling debt was, but it was apparently significant enough to put you both in debt.   So if you were to put a claim on my inheritance, I'd certainly be be talking with my lawyer about your previous gambling debt, the losses I suffered because of it and wanting recompense in terms of keeping more of my inheritance

Just make sure you disclose everything to your lawyer

Edited Thursday at 11:16 PM by basil67

[S2B]

Ball park - how much does she think she will inherit? 
she will likely pay taxes on the money she gets. She will likely place all that money in an account in her name only.

wait and see where she places the money. IF she puts it in an account with both your names - half of that money may be yours. 

but I have a feeling she will stash it in a separate account.

these are just a few reasons you need an attorney.

Edited Friday at 12:20 AM by S2B

[spiritedaway2003]

I think you have gotten good advice on the relationship aspect on things, so i won't add more.

When it comes to inheritance - unless it is commingled into marital property, it is her inheritance to do as she please.  Her dad left it for her. 

If you had gotten into gambling debts where she ended up having bail you out and to get to a comfortable standard of living, it's not unreasonable for her to have doubts.  Is she in it for you, and similarly, are you in it for her (or inheritance)?   Sometimes, all one needs is a catalyst and people think about the larger picture (and any cracks in the relationship) and decide if they want to continue where they are or if it's time to make a change.  It sounds like she's in that phase right now. 

You should seek an attorney if you're going through a divorce regardless.  Objectively speaking, her inheritance is hers to spend however she likes (and should be out of scope).

Edited Friday at 01:23 AM by spiritedaway2003

[BBR8e5]

I think given some of the language used, most on here are from the States. I am from the UK so the legalities around stuff may be different. That being the case, probably best to leave that advice alone so things dont get confused given the different legal sustemss and i will seek legal advice and go from there

 

In regards to everything else, I appreciate all of the advice and support

[BBR8e5]

16 hours ago, S2B said:

Ball park - how much does she think she will inherit? 
she will likely pay taxes on the money she gets. She will likely place all that money in an account in her name only.

wait and see where she places the money. IF she puts it in an account with both your names - half of that money may be yours. 

but I have a feeling she will stash it in a separate account.

these are just a few reasons you need an attorney.

In regards to ballpark figure, we are talking millions. It is all sorted tax wise and stuff, so the figure is known down the the penny

[S2B]

I would see an attorney right away.

you want to see what the laws are in your area.

and if you divorce how things get divided, time with the kids and any support money that’s expected.

[tzorno]

On 2/6/2025 at 4:27 AM, BBR8e5 said:

When we get to this stage, I genuinely feel bad for her because ultimately, its not her fault she doesnt feel that level of attraction. I mean, she is a very very good person and I know 100% that she feels shitty for making me feel so bad and also doesn't mean to hurt me. She is not evil and wicked but yeah the timing of this decisiveness has struck me as odd. I certainly don't think it's pre-planned but I do think it's showing an absolute disregard to me. I guess I need to just put all that aside and look after myself

 

You are being delusional.  She isn't the person you think she is (my ex wife of 30 years wasn't either).  The whole weight thing is a reoccuring excuse just to have something as a reason to move on.  True love doesn't see physical flaws.  Quit defending her.  The timing of all of this was planned a long time ago whether you want to accept that or not.  She has no issues tossing you aside when the money starts pouring in so you should have no issues in defending yourself and trying to obtain what you can.  You say you have no plans to take any of her inheritance, but I guarantee you she would have no problem with it if the shoe was on the other foot.  Get a lawyer and fight.  You deserve that much.