Should I tell my toxic parental relationships to my girlfriend?

[asdf100]

Although I'm not a perfect person, I haven't spoken with my dad for almost two years at this point because I got sick and tired of constant nitpicking, criticism, and social, political gaslighting. I basically told him to change his behaviors or I won't ever see or speak to him again, and basically he's not respecting my boundaries. I have a girlfriend, and I told her the half lie that both of my parents are deceased (my parents divorced back in 2001 and mom passed away a year after). So my question is should I conceal this lie forever or tell her (especially if we get marry sometime near future) the truth when the time is right? Another issue is that some people told me to have a conversation with my dad and forgive him, but the problem that I see is that he continuously ignored my warnings and he'll probably take the advantage of my forgiveness.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, asdf100 said:

So my question is should I conceal this lie forever

No. Why do you feel you can't trust her enough to handle the truth?

[MsJayne]

Don't be ashamed or embarrassed about having a toxic parent, it's not your fault. Fair enough that you may not want to discuss it with a new partner,  there's no reason to in the early stages of a relationship, but maybe don't pretend your father's deceased as that's a lie that could lead to drama further down the track. How you deal with your father is no one else's business and it's downright rude of people to tell you what to do, only you know all the ins and outs of why you chose to cease contact with him.  He sounds like he has no respect for you, and that's his problem, not yours, so having no contact is the healthy option no matter what busybodies have to say about it. 

[ShyViolet]

If you plan on being serious with your gf and making this a long-term relationship, then it's super weird to keep up this lie with her.  If you are in a relationship with someone then you should be honest with them about the basic facts of your life.  Your "secret" would not even have been that bad if you had been up front about it from the beginning.  Lots of people have a parent that they don't get along with and don't speak to.   What's much worse is that you told your gf a big lie.  The longer you keep up this lie, the worse it will seem once it comes out.  She may view you as a liar and it might even make her feel that she can't trust you.  If I found out that my partner had been lying to me the whole time about something like this, I would view them as a liar and I would wonder what else they are capable of lying about.

21 hours ago, asdf100 said:

Another issue is that some people told me to have a conversation with my dad and forgive him, but the problem that I see is that he continuously ignored my warnings and he'll probably take the advantage of my forgiveness.

No, those people are wrong.  Only you can decide what's right for you.  If you feel that your Dad is toxic and you don't want to have a relationship with him, you have the right to cut contact with him.  It's no one else's place to tell you what to do in this situation.  We don't owe family members anything simply because they're blood relatives.  Sometimes we decide that cutting contact is necessary for our own mental health and well being, and that is ok.

[Els]

On 2/6/2025 at 3:21 PM, asdf100 said:

I told her the half lie that both of my parents are decease

That's not a "half lie", that's a HUGE LIE which would be a red flag to just about any decent person when the truth is revealed. Because if you can tell such blatant lies, what else are you lying about?

"I don't really speak to my dad" is the truth, and there's nothing wrong with it. If it's early in a relationship, a thoughtful partner won't press the issue, or they'll ask "do you want to talk about it?", to which you can say "no, not for now".

It wouldn't be a problem at all for me personally if a partner said that. Not sure why anyone would judge a person for standing up for their mental health and their boundaries.