Long distance situationships

[lynnlan]

Hi so I met this American guy in July 2024 on a night out. He stayed on for another week but I run a business so I couldn't meet up with him again. He went home I heard nothing for about 2 weeks so I initiated a conversation. He wrote back after a few days he told me he just settled his divorce and sold his home and was staying at temp accomodation where he works. Since July we've only txt no calls or face time. The txts are few and far between. I've suggested he come back multiple times he says he plans to but needs someone to mind his animals while away. I've stopped initiating txts a while back he always txt me now but it could be one or twice a month and sometimes I write back and he doesnt reply for 2-5 weeks was the longest. He said he's considering moving here now but wants to visit and look around to check out his options. Not directly suggesting that hes moving here for me necessarily more so that he's not happy where he's living. Is this thing actually worth pursuing or was he just keeping his options open all the time and manipulating me to keep me interested? Thanks

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lynnlan said:

Is this thing actually worth pursuing

No, this guy is barely interested. 

2 hours ago, lynnlan said:

or was he just keeping his options open all the time and manipulating me to keep me interested?

Manipulating you how, exactly? I don't see where he's trying to keep you interested, really. 

[lynnlan]

I'm not sure I just feel he txts out of convenience or boredom and since I've stopped asking if and when he's coming back which is never a clear answer , I think he might think I'm potentially seeing someone else and starts fishing, it's like he's getting validation from me asking when he's coming back to see if I'm still interested in him. He sometimes sends me places to eat in my hometown with no context or recently suggested coming back in spring for a visit with no time frame like it's trying to keep me from meeting someone else to hold out for him 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, lynnlan said:

He sometimes sends me places to eat in my hometown with no context or recently suggested coming back in spring for a visit with no time frame like it's trying to keep me from meeting someone else to hold out for him 

Why do you consider this manipulation?

He texts you from time to time, says he might visit your country, probably likes the food. Where does it indicate that he is trying to keep you from seeing other men?

If he texted “Please wait for me, I’m in love with you, I swear I’ll come soon, I want to be with you!” and then went silent and passive, then yeah, I’d say he’s fishing and seeking validation. But he didn’t text anything like that, did he? He’s probably just not interested in your romantically, is all.

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, lynnlan said:

I'm not sure I just feel he txts out of convenience or boredom 

What else would you expect, really?  Not necessarily convenience or boredom, but you met the guy ONE TIME and he lives in another country.  You don't have a relationship with him.  

I have plenty of people who will drop me a line once in a while, or vice versa.  It's nice to hear from them. That's probably where he's at.  No manipulation, nothing bad.

It seems like you have very unrealistic expectations in this situation and my advice to you is to forget this guy.  If he showed more interest I fear you'd get WAY over involved considering he lives very far away, has a recent divorce and an unsettled life, etc.  He is not "relationship material" for you in any way.

[lynnlan]

Thanks it's great to hear different people's opinions. I just thought there was a lack of clarity on his part. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, lynnlan said:

I'm not sure I just feel he txts out of convenience or boredom 

Well, yes. You're probably right. 

I don't see how that is manipulation, though. I think you and he clearly see this summer fling very, very differently. He had fun and enjoyed his time, but doesn't appear to have had any intention of keeping it going. You're someone he gets in touch with once in a while but not somebody he's actively trying to pursue. I don't see that as anything nefarious. 

You, on the other hand, seem to want much more from this and he's just not on the same page. I would advise you drop the idea of him altogether. You wanted totally different things from this and it's you who is going to wind up hurt if your feelings get involved. Better to tuck him away as a fun vacation memory. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, lynnlan said:

Thanks it's great to hear different people's opinions. I just thought there was a lack of clarity on his part. 

Are you seeking clarification on him accepting your invitation to return?   If so, him giving you a YES tells you that he's not coming

If you're interested in escalating things with a person, invite them ONCE.  If they don't accept, then move on. 

Edited Thursday at 09:17 PM by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, lynnlan said:

 I just thought there was a lack of clarity on his part. 

What exactly are your expectations, and how did you arrive at them?  I'm still confused about how meeting a guy one time during a night out, assumably in a bar or club, would necessarily lead to anything further.  Even if you had sex with him, which you didn't specify.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Are you seeking clarification on him accepting your invitation to return?   If so, him giving you a YES tells you that he's not coming

If you're interested in escalating things with a person, invite them ONCE.  If they don't accept, then move on. 

Him *not* giving you a yes

[ShyViolet]

Has the bar really gotten this low, that this is what is considered a "situationship"?  You met a guy in person ONE time, he lives in another country and since last year he texts you once or twice a month, that's it.  There is literally nothing here to pursue.  You don't know this guy and he's nothing more than a very sporadic texting buddy.  If you want to have a dating life then meet people in your actual local area.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Has the bar really gotten this low, that this is what is considered a "situationship"?  

I have to agree. 

This doesn't really even qualify as a so-called "situationship." It's a vacation hook-up you've stayed in random, casual contact with, OP. I understand that you liked him and hoped for more, but I don't see the same interest from him. 

 

[lynnlan]

Yes possibly I should have cut him off long ago. We didn't hook up at all we just met in a bar and he asked for my number. I was obviously expecting much more and he kept texting but not making intentions clear. He intends to come back this spring sometime hadn't said when but will more than likely expect to meet up. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, lynnlan said:

Yes possibly I should have cut him off long ago. We didn't hook up at all we just met in a bar and he asked for my number. I was obviously expecting much more and he kept texting but not making intentions clear. He intends to come back this spring sometime hadn't said when but will more than likely expect to meet up. 

Why would you expect much more from a from a man in a bar who is visiting  from a long distance?  
 

And based on what you described, he didn’t keep texting…rather, he sporadically responded to your initiations.   
 

At the point where this currently stands, if you stop messaging, I expect you will not hear from him again. Even if he’s in your country, it unlikely he will initiate a visit

Edited Friday at 11:32 AM by basil67

[lynnlan]

He does still always initiate conversation but it's just casual chat. Up until Christmas I've asked a few times when he reckons he would be back he said he was was definitely coming back that he was taking time off work and hoped to travel for some of that time but he's never given a time frame as to when. Only after Christmas hes been sending places to eat in my hometown and saying he'll cook for me when he's back over and now saying he wants to come back and check out his options to possibly move here but again no date set out. 

[introverted1]

33 minutes ago, lynnlan said:

He does still always initiate conversation but it's just casual chat. Up until Christmas I've asked a few times when he reckons he would be back he said he was was definitely coming back that he was taking time off work and hoped to travel for some of that time but he's never given a time frame as to when. Only after Christmas hes been sending places to eat in my hometown and saying he'll cook for me when he's back over and now saying he wants to come back and check out his options to possibly move here but again no date set out. 

It really seems you are grasping at straws here. This man is not even at the level of an acquaintance.  He's a guy you spent an evening with 7 months ago.  Since then, he's gotten divorced and now sends you the occasional text message, along with comments about visiting wherever you are (which is where? - you say he's American, which implies you are not - are you even living on the same continent?) at some unspecified future date.  If/when he has a plan and you are single, then by all means you should enjoy another night out.  But waiting/hoping for this to happen and defining it as a "situationship" (!!) is nuts. He is not worth this much of your energy.

Carry on with your life.  Meet men.  Date.  

[ExpatInItaly]

52 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

This man is not even at the level of an acquaintance

Agreed. 

OP,  I am not sure why you expected anything out of this, to be very honest. I really hope you haven't been imagining some sort of future with this person. 

[ShyViolet]

OP, I don't know why you are even wasting your time thinking about this.  

[smackie9]

Have to look at the big picture...this guy lives in another country, has no plans to do anything else but stay where he is and keep his job. That should tell you that this is a fruitless endeavor right from the start. Sorry but you need to let this one go. 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, lynnlan said:

He does still always initiate conversation but it's just casual chat. Up until Christmas I've asked a few times when he reckons he would be back he said he was was definitely coming back that he was taking time off work and hoped to travel for some of that time but he's never given a time frame as to when. Only after Christmas hes been sending places to eat in my hometown and saying he'll cook for me when he's back over and now saying he wants to come back and check out his options to possibly move here but again no date set out. 

I'm sorry, I misunderstood your first post.    Honestly, I still agree with the others, there's nothing to see here.  

Rather than figuring out what he's trying to do, how about you turn this around and examine your own actions?   Why are you so set on this guy who you only met once?  Why do you keep asking him when he's going to return when making such little effort?

Are you terribly lonely perhaps?

 

[BreakOnThrough]

For all you know, he could still be married.  I'd just ignore, maybe he'll come around, or maybe he won't, that shouldn't impact how your dating life should move forward.

[NuevoYorko]

15 hours ago, lynnlan said:

Yes possibly I should have cut him off long ago. We didn't hook up at all we just met in a bar and he asked for my number. I was obviously expecting much more and he kept texting but not making intentions clear. He intends to come back this spring sometime hadn't said when but will more than likely expect to meet up. 

I'm sorry ... but there really is nothing to "cut off."   

I'm very curious about what lead you to have any expectations at all from this encounter.  Can you tell me why you did?   Was it just because he asked for your number, you concluded that he wanted to begin a relationship?   

People traveling tend to connect with others and often exchange contact info in case they're in the same place, same time again one day.  It's very normal behavior.  I don't think he's showing any kind of bad intentions by not telling you when he's coming there etc.   If he comes there some time and feels like calling you, you'll hear from him.  Otherwise please don't be having any expectations at all about some kind of future with this man.  

  

[basil67]

I think @NuevoYorko has hit the nail on the head.  He's just described how my husband and mates used to travel the world on a budget: staying at places of near strangers who they'd met in other countries, and without hesitation, they'd offer a bed to a near stranger in return.  

[Alvi]

On 2/6/2025 at 2:40 AM, lynnlan said:

I've stopped initiating txts a while back he always txt me now but it could be one or twice a month and sometimes I write back and he doesnt reply for 2-5 weeks was the longest.

This is very low interest on his part. I believe, if he was THAT interested he would chat more often with you and make some plans for the two of you to meet.  I don't see how he is manipulating you. More likely he wants to have a friendly face if he ever decides to live in your country. Probably needs a tour-guide and that's where you would come in, lol. At the very worst, he is a time-waster to you.  Do you have a good profile on a reputable dating sites? Why don't you date local men and put this guy on a back-burner? You don't have to block him or do anything drastic but try dating local men and see what happens.

On 2/6/2025 at 2:40 AM, lynnlan said:

He said he's considering moving here now but wants to visit and look around to check out his options.

Well, you can make a decision whether to take this any further if and when he physically  moves and settles down. Provided that the both of you are still single and interested. But the time may never come.

In other words, don't waste your time on this guy.