blahblahqueen Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 After pondering Blind_Otter's words on my last thread for a while, it suddenly hit me like a sack of bricks... that I have been an emotional cheat for as long as I've been dating, and I've never even noticed it, and it's probably a large part of what's ruined all my past relationships! I've stayed emotionally intimate with exes, become emotionally intimate with new people, never noticing there was anything wrong with it, and then eventually succumbing to the grass-is-greener mentality whenever anything went wrong. Now everything seems so clear in retrospect. I need to change this, like, NOW. This wonderful man I'm seeing, you were right about him, he does have the right to be jealous of my friendships with my exes, because it must be obvious to him (being the perceptive and intelligent person he is) that I'm only platonic with my male friends on the surface. Inside, there's often an inappropriate bond. And he must have picked up on that from the way I talk about them. I see it now... it's so true... But how can I change this lifelong pattern? I want so badly to finally get things right.... This man very well could be THE ONE, and although we are still in the "honeymoon phase" and I can't even think of anyone else, I do NOT want it to end up going the way of all my old relationships once the initial buzz wears off. Please, tell me, how does a chronic emotional cheat break the cycle??? Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Maybe its a sign you shouldnt be with your current bf? I mean, when you love someone you dont cheat on them..whether its physical or mental. Either way, you should tell your bf the truth. And be prepared: If he DOES want to work on things with you...I cant imagine that happening unless the guys you've been having this emotional affair with are out of your life, that means no contact whatsoever, are you even prepared to do that? In fact, it would be a nice gesture to cut off all contact with any ex's until the situation smoothes out. Link to post Share on other sites
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 He's the first guy I've been able to reveal my deepest-rooted issues to... I'm very secretive about my skeletons, even with myself. But he inspires this outpouring of truth from me, and vice-versa... our conversations have even brought me to revelations about myself that I would never previously have guessed at. We know exactly where we stand with each other. No, you see, I haven't cheated on him. Mind you, our relationship is brand-new. It's instinctive for me, I guess, to lose emotional intimacy with the usual suspects at the beginning of a new relationship, and then regain it over time. So he and I are still "clean", no emotional affairs yet. And this time I will not repeat the behavior. If you think that means I have to cut off all contact, then by God, I'll do it once and for all. Whatever will make it work this time. None of them are worth it. This guy is so amazing... you have no idea... let me not keep gushing, I could go into detail for hours! Link to post Share on other sites
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 All the stuff he knows is from the anecdotes I've told him... I have hardly spoken to any of my exes since bf and I started dating. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 But how can I change this lifelong pattern? First, by figuring out what it is that makes you so fearful of ending up alone. In the normal progression of relationships, gradual distancing from platonic friendships is almost a natural occurrence as you begin to spend more time with your partner and rely on them more to fill those emotional and social voids. This applies to both same sex and opposite sex friends. It's not an immediate "cut off" from your social circle, but rather something that transpires over time as your primary relationship begins to occupy a greater portion of your quality time. While you won't disassociate yourself completely with your close friends, those acquaintances based solely on convenience and situation will eventually add little to your lifestyle change and you'll find it difficult to expend the extra time and energy necessary to continue nurturing them. At least, not without detracting in some way from the quality of your primary relationship. If two people manage to stay together long enough, you'll find that the friends you both choose to keep are those that complement and function in co-existence with your current relationship status. Sure enough, you'll both have gal pals and guy pals whose feelings might get hurt during this process because your life no longer revolves around them. While that's absolutely understandable … it's just the way life goes sometimes. Similarly, your true friends will be understanding and accepting (even happy) for the two of you. Together, the two of you may even find new friendships with other couples who you share more in common with. I think for some folks, the transition from being single to being in a relationship is a difficult one to make. Particular when you are young and your self identity revolves so much around your social circles and what your peer groups think of you. Friends provide a 'safety net' of sorts when you need a support group and comradory … so you can't go about the business of burning those bridges too quickly as soon as any Harry, Dick or Jane comes along. It's something that will happen gradually over time unless you're someone who places more value on their social connections than their relationships. It sounds as if you have finally reached the 'grown up' stage in your life when you are beginning to take inventory and examine what benefit certain friendships (or acquaintances) truly lend to your life. And perhaps you are realizing that certain connections you had while you were single (or the reasons behind them), aren't really conducive for supporting the kind of secure, trustworthy, relationship you are hoping to build one day with your special guy. Remember: You can ALWAYS go out and make new friends. But it's rare to find that 'special someone' who seems worth the extra effort … and often MORE difficult sometimes to make the compromises necessary to keep them. Link to post Share on other sites
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 It sounds as if you have finally reached the 'grown up' stage in your life when you are beginning to take inventory and examine what benefit certain friendships (or acquaintances) truly lend to your life. And perhaps you are realizing that certain connections you had while you were single (or the reasons behind them), aren't really conducive for supporting the kind of secure, trustworthy, relationship you are hoping to build one day with your special guy. Indeed, in retrospect I can see that these old emotional affairs were what was ruining any possible sense of permanence I could have had in my previous relationships. It's sad that I should only come to this realization now, after two divorces and a child by my first marriage. Thank God she lives with her dad and doesn't have to be subjected to my soap opera. You're right that I just don't know how to be alone, and I've been fully aware of it for years now. Thing is, when you analyze my relationships, you don't really see much obvious dependent behavior in them... it's as if relationships just sort of follow me around. Chalk it up to good dating skills? But I know on the inside I really must have something missing, although I can't quite figure out what it is. I'm confident, secure, decisive, individualistic, headstrong, etc... Those who know me well would never type me as a clingy woman who needs a man to feel validated. It just seems that I walk around single for a week, and then BOOM! someone else comes along who clicks with me. It's been the story of my life since I was 14 years old. Longest period of time I've spent without being at least exclusively dating someone was oh, I dunno, about two weeks? Been soul-searching for a while. Can't seem to solve it. Even had me some therapists over the years... they couldn't put their finger on the problem either, so they just told me to force myself to be single for a time, give myself time to "get over" the last gentleman before moving on to the next... and it worked, as I said, for no more than two weeks. Just when I'd thought I'd gotten the hang of it and was truly enjoying the single life, some sweet, sexy thing would pop into my life who was just too scrumptious to pass up. I just don't think I can live without a pretty face and a pair of green eyes to wake up to, the sound of said lovely creature strumming a guitar by the foot of the bed... I'm addicted to sensation - a flaw I don't see changing in my entire lifetime, not that I'd want to, as it makes up a huge part of who I am. Maybe one day I'll channel it properly... Link to post Share on other sites
sparticuss Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Maybe its a sign you shouldnt be with your current bf? I mean, when you love someone you dont cheat on them..whether its physical or mental. Either way, you should tell your bf the truth. And be prepared: If he DOES want to work on things with you...I cant imagine that happening unless the guys you've been having this emotional affair with are out of your life, that means no contact whatsoever, are you even prepared to do that? In fact, it would be a nice gesture to cut off all contact with any ex's until the situation smoothes out. Why are so many people on these boards so totally addicted to dumping boyfriends. - I'm cheatin on him. You should dmp him - He's cheating on me . You should dump him. - I'm too good for him You should dump him. - He's too good for me You should dump him. No wonder so many people can't find boyfriends Theyve dumped them all. Link to post Share on other sites
FWIW Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Why are so many people on these boards so totally addicted to dumping boyfriends. - I'm cheatin on him. You should dump him - He's cheating on me. You should dump him. - I'm too good for him. You should dump him. - He's too good for me. You should dump him. Because life's too short to waste on the wrong guy.. if it isn't Real Love then let it go! Real Love is mutual, balanced and there's no cheating! Link to post Share on other sites
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