Difficulty moving on.

[danguitartart]

Hi foks, 

I'm currently struggling to move on from my ex who I split up from 6 months ago (see previous thread here) 

It was a toxic relationship...it started amazingly well, she was everything I'd ever dreamed of to begin with...but it went south quickly. I found her controlling and she questioned all my female friend relationships (even asking on a few occasions if I'd slept with my cousin, who I'm very close to. But not THAT close 😳)...and my anxiety levels went through the roof. 

She ended things citing incidents that occurred before we'd even met, which was petty...but I felt relieved that things were over. 

However, I'm still struggling to move on after all this time. I've just seen her car parked at my local station Colchester. She was looking for a job in London when I was with her, so assume she's working there and is staying the weekend. 

But my mind is whirring...is she staying over in London for work? Is she having a weekend in London with her kids (they're 14 and 23). Is she with someone else? If so, why is it working between them and not between us? Why did I feel so triggered when I was with her? Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I move on??! 

I'm keeping myself busy - I exercise a lot, my social life is good...but I'm still struggling. Why does seeing her car unnerve me so much? 

 

Edited February 9 by danguitartart
Repetition in body copy

[S2B]

Do some counseling to help yourself.

you obviously haven’t yet acknowledged why she isn’t a good match and still stuck on who you think she may be.

dive into all the reason she wasn’t a good match for you. Remind yourself every day… until you no longer fantasize about who you thought she was.

[danguitartart]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

Do some counseling to help yourself.

you obviously haven’t yet acknowledged why she isn’t a good match and still stuck on who you think she may be.

dive into all the reason she wasn’t a good match for you. Remind yourself every day… until you no longer fantasize about who you thought she was.

Thank you...it's that feeling of the first month I can't get past, and why it's yet another relationship that's fallen by the wayside. I've never been in a relationship that was so controlling, so toxic and ultimately so wrong...but it's by far and away the most exciting relationship I've ever been in. It all feels a bit of a mess... 

[Gebidozo]

13 hours ago, danguitartart said:

If so, why is it working between them and not between us?

Why are you so sure it’s going to work between them? They might break up within a couple of years or stay together and be miserable, for all you know. This will most certainly happen if she doesn’t change.

 

4 hours ago, danguitartart said:

I've never been in a relationship that was so controlling, so toxic and ultimately so wrong...but it's by far and away the most exciting relationship I've ever been in.

Then you should keep looking for a woman with whom you’ll have an even more exciting relationship that isn’t toxic.

You and I are about the same age. I’m now in the most exciting relationship I’ve ever been in, by far and away, with a woman who is the very opposite of toxic or controlling. It took me a lot of breakups, divorces, heartbreaks, and all sorts of craziness and bad choices and desperate times to get there. Finding a good person for a great romantic relationship is hard, but possible if you keep believing that person exists somewhere and keep trying.

[Alpacalia]

Seeing her car parked at the station probably felt like a punch to the gut because it’s a tangible reminder of her presence in your life—or at least in your town. Even though you’ve been apart for six months, your brain is still wired to associate her with strong emotions (good and bad). It’s like your mind goes, “Oh crap, she’s back in the vicinity, and now I have to deal with all these feelings again.” It’s not about the car itself; it’s about what it represents: her, the relationship, and all the unresolved stuff you’re still processing.

Your brain is also probably spinning out with questions like, “Is she with someone else? Why did it work for them and not us?” because breakups, especially toxic ones, can leave you feeling like you weren’t enough. But here’s the thing: it’s not about you not being enough. Toxic relationships often fail because of compatibility issues, communication breakdowns, or just plain unhealthy dynamics. It’s not a reflection of your worth.

[danguitartart]

  

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Why are you so sure it’s going to work between them? They might break up within a couple of years or stay together and be miserable, for all you know. This will most certainly happen if she doesn’t change.

I don't actually know if she's seeing someone - my brain just put two and two together and came up with 36 when I saw her car. She's spent weekends in London with her girls before, so it may have been that. Who knows?

Quote

Then you should keep looking for a woman with whom you’ll have an even more exciting relationship that isn’t toxic.

You and I are about the same age. I’m now in the most exciting relationship I’ve ever been in, by far and away, with a woman who is the very opposite of toxic or controlling. It took me a lot of breakups, divorces, heartbreaks, and all sorts of craziness and bad choices and desperate times to get there. Finding a good person for a great romantic relationship is hard, but possible if you keep believing that person exists somewhere and keep trying.

I know - I'm finding it hard to equate a safe, loving relationship with excitement to be honest. I had a couple of brief relationships before her, and before that I was with my ex wife for 16 years...in a marriage that dwindled and died a slow death over a period of years. So meeting my ex was unbelievably exciting, but ultimately incredibly stressful.

[danguitartart]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Seeing her car parked at the station probably felt like a punch to the gut because it’s a tangible reminder of her presence in your life—or at least in your town. Even though you’ve been apart for six months, your brain is still wired to associate her with strong emotions (good and bad). It’s like your mind goes, “Oh crap, she’s back in the vicinity, and now I have to deal with all these feelings again.” It’s not about the car itself; it’s about what it represents: her, the relationship, and all the unresolved stuff you’re still processing.

Your brain is also probably spinning out with questions like, “Is she with someone else? Why did it work for them and not us?” because breakups, especially toxic ones, can leave you feeling like you weren’t enough. But here’s the thing: it’s not about you not being enough. Toxic relationships often fail because of compatibility issues, communication breakdowns, or just plain unhealthy dynamics. It’s not a reflection of your worth.

It's the second time in two months I've seen her car, and I've reacted badly each time. I made some mistakes in the relationship but I know I'm more than enough...yet it still feels like yet another relationship that fell apart, and at 53 I don't know if I'm ever going to meet someone who gives me the excitement without the toxicity...