Lottemarine Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 (edited) Long story…In October last year a male coworker and I started working together more frequently due to working on the same project. I noticed that we had instant mutual attraction and chemistry, he would regularly check me out and gaze intensely into my eyes, he would flirt, be super helpful etc..I had to admit I was flattered. I hadn’t experienced that for a long time. This went on for a good two months and then we went to the work Christmas party and we ended up most of the night just talking. I told him at that point that I was in fact married. Even though I felt attracted to him, it felt like I had to say. I didn’t see my coworker for a month because of Christmas holidays etc. When we came back to work, I noticed the way he was with me was different, he had toned down the flirting, no eye contact etc. By this time, I was a bit emotionally attached (I know not a good thing). I then for some reason (I really don’t know why), felt the need to write a private email, telling him that I was in fact attracted to him and thought he might have felt mutual, but I didn’t expect anything, as I was married and who knows he could have been married, he’s never said. I said I didn’t want things to be awkward and our work not to get affected. Anyway, he never responded but I’m pretty positive he read it. He carried on being cold and distant and would only engage when he had to. Last week we had a conference to go to and our team all had after work drinks, we sat beside each other, just being normal, no flirting, just friendly. A friend asked me about my husband, so I answered her, he overheard it and then reluctantly told him he had a wife. This was the first I’d heard of it. Since then he has avoided me and seems extremely blunt and cold. It is tricky as we still work together, so my question is what really happened here? Did he ever really like me? How can you be into someone and then cold so quickly? Btw im not looking to get with him, as soon as I found out he had a wife, it’s over. But why is it so awkward now? It’s almost like he hates me.. Edited February 10 by Lottemarine Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 (edited) There probably was attraction, but he knows that such a situation always lead to bad outcomes. You're both married so he's doing the right thing, concentrate on your job, and most importantly, DON'T CROSS THE LINE, by sending him personal emails like that, you are jeopardizing his livelihood, career and possibly his marriage, people don't take that lightly and it could backfire horribly. Edited February 10 by BreakOnThrough 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lottemarine Posted February 10 Author Share Posted February 10 (edited) 4 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said: There probably was attraction, but he knows that such a situation always lead to bad outcomes. You're both married so he's doing the right thing, concentrate on your job, and most importantly, DON'T CROSS THE LINE, by sending him personal emails like that, you are jeopardizing his livelihood, career and possibly his marriage, people don't take that lightly and it could backfire horribly. Hi, thanks for your insight. yes I understand completely. If I could take back that email, I so would, it was the worst thing I did. I felt so infatuated at the time, selfish really, that I didn’t want him to think I didn’t like him. Silly mistake. Do you think that’s why his behaviour is so cold now? How can we go back to just being normal friendly coworkers? Edited February 10 by Lottemarine Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 (edited) 28 minutes ago, Lottemarine said: Btw im not looking to get with him, as soon as I found out he had a wife, it’s over. What's over? There was nothing much here to begin with. 28 minutes ago, Lottemarine said: How can you be into someone and then cold so quickly? The fact that you are both married should be your answer. He likely gave his head a shake and realized it is best to keep his distance. It is also possible that you read more into his behaviour than ever intended and your email confessional made him uncomfortable. So now he's making it very clear that he doesn't want those kinds of personal interactions anymore. I doubt he hates you but he is drawing a very firm boundary. For what it's worth, it was a huge risk to send an email like that. You have no idea who he might have showed it to, or how your own written words might come back to bite you in a big way- 28 minutes ago, Lottemarine said: Did he ever really like me? That's anyone's guess, really. But the better question, what difference does it really make? I mean that sincerely, too. You aren't available and evidently neither is he. It's not as though this could really lead anywhere. Most important now: stay focused on your work, be professional when you need to interact with him, do not flirt or send any more emails, and figure out what the heck is going on inside you that you seeking a man's attention outside your marriage. Edited February 10 by ExpatInItaly 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lottemarine Posted February 10 Author Share Posted February 10 13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: What's over? There was nothing much here to begin with. The fact that you are both married should be your answer. He likely gave his head a shake and realized it is best to keep his distance. It is also possible that you read more into his behaviour than ever intended and your email confessional made him uncomfortable. So now he's making it very clear that he doesn't want those kinds of personal interactions anymore. I doubt he hates you but he is drawing a very firm boundary. For what it's worth, it was a huge risk to send an email like that. You have no idea who he might have showed it to, or how your own written words might come back to bite you in a big way- That's anyone's guess, really. But the better question, what difference does it really make? I mean that sincerely, too. You aren't available and evidently neither is he. It's not as though this could really lead anywhere. Most important now: stay focused on your work, be professional when you need to interact with him, do not flirt or send any more emails, and figure out what the heck is going on inside you that you seeking a man's attention outside your marriage. Thank you, yes I feel very silly having ever sent that email. If I could have recalled it I would. I know what you mean about who could have seen it etc. I think at the time, I just stupidly wanted him to know how I felt without even caring about the repercussions, stupid I know. Do you think I should take him aside and apologise what doing that or just forget it and move on? I feel like he is so uncomfortable with me, but if I could just explain what a silly thing it was, then he might feel not as uncomfortable. I don’t know. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 6 minutes ago, Lottemarine said: Do you think I should take him aside and apologise what doing that or just forget it and move on? No, I would just let it be. It will feel less awkward in time. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 Huh? As soon as you found out he had a wife "it's over"? What exactly is over? And why was there even something that could be over when YOU yourself are married? You just kind of left that part out of the story aside from an offhand mention. Anyway, obviously, when you told him you were married he decided to steer clear of you. Could be because you're married - and it also could be because you were misreading him and he was not flirting, checking you out etc., at least not to the extent that you thought he was. And since HE is married, he wisely chose to keep his distance so you didn't keep going with these ideas. I do tend to be a little dubious when people write about long, intense eye contact between coworkers who are barely even friends. Speaking from many years working, I can't say I've ever experienced or observed this in any workplace unless the people involved were indeed having some kind of a romance. It sounds tremendously awkward and, frankly, quite odd. What's going on with your marriage? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lottemarine Posted February 11 Author Share Posted February 11 (edited) 26 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: Huh? As soon as you found out he had a wife "it's over"? What exactly is over? And why was there even something that could be over when YOU yourself are married? You just kind of left that part out of the story aside from an offhand mention. Anyway, obviously, when you told him you were married he decided to steer clear of you. Could be because you're married - and it also could be because you were misreading him and he was not flirting, checking you out etc., at least not to the extent that you thought he was. And since HE is married, he wisely chose to keep his distance so you didn't keep going with these ideas. I do tend to be a little dubious when people write about long, intense eye contact between coworkers who are barely even friends. Speaking from many years working, I can't say I've ever experienced or observed this in any workplace unless the people involved were indeed having some kind of a romance. It sounds tremendously awkward and, frankly, quite odd. What's going on with your marriage? Hi, thanks for responding. As odd as it sounds I do believe there was some chemistry there. I know what you mean about the checking out and intense eye gaze, because I had never experienced that either at work either, so I was totally taken back when I felt it was happening and it seemed mutual. There were other things, he always seemed to be excited to see me and set up meetings and one to ones when our workload didn’t really cross over. He also seemed excited that I was going to the Christmas party, a number of things that showed interest and I cannot say it was because we were friends because we totally wasn’t. My husband, yes that had been issues within my relationship for the past 6 months or so, I guess prior to that I had not so much as looked at another man or was interested, so obviously there is an internal breakdown there, something I am no proud of. When I say it’s over, I mean the flirting, like it was obviously happening at one stage and then the pullback as it was really noticeable to me, that’s why I’m pretty certain it was mutual. The other thing is yes I am married, but I thought it interesting that my marriage is what made him change his mind, not his own. He was very reluctant to tell me he even had a wife until last week. I get that people look at others, but I guess when they look to flirt continuously then I think there must be something wrong in both marriages, otherwise why would you bother. Edited February 11 by Lottemarine Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 OP, what was your intention in sending him this email? What sort of response did you hope to get, and what would you have done if he'd responded that he was attracted to? I am curious where your mind was at there and why you took such a huge gamble. You have no idea who has read your email, or who may read it in the future. It seems like an awfully substantial risk to your marriage (and your job, if this guy were so inclined) to have ever sent it. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lottemarine Posted February 11 Author Share Posted February 11 5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: OP, what was your intention in sending him this email? What sort of response did you hope to get, and what would you have done if he'd responded that he was attracted to? I am curious where your mind was at there and why you took such a huge gamble. You have no idea who has read your email, or who may read it in the future. It seems like an awfully substantial risk to your marriage (and your job, if this guy were so inclined) to have ever sent it. Thank you, tbh I think I was just really infatuated at the time I sent it and I felt the need to tell him that I was attracted to him and mostly in a selfish to know if he didn’t feel the same way to tell me, so I could get over it. I did literally say something similar to that. I know I wasn’t thinking straight at all. I wasn’t thinking of my husband and the hurt it could cause. I was totally in a bubble, I think because of the attraction I felt he was giving me and it was something I hadn’t felt for a long time and of course I was attracted to that. I totally didn’t care at the time of the repercussions stupidly, I felt I could trust him and was totally naive. Now that does worry me, the fact he could have sent to it someone and he could use it against me at some stage. I do wish I could ask him to delete it, but I really don’t want to engage with him anymore. I don’t want him to think I still like him. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 14 minutes ago, Lottemarine said: Now that does worry me, the fact he could have sent to it someone and he could use it against me at some stage This would be my biggest concern. Chances are that he hasn't shown anyone but I wouldn't assume that's a given. His wife might have read it. He might have showed a buddy. Or a coworker. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lottemarine Posted February 11 Author Share Posted February 11 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This would be my biggest concern. Chances are that he hasn't shown anyone but I wouldn't assume that's a given. His wife might have read it. He might have showed a buddy. Or a coworker. Do you think I should talk to him about it in order to delete it or not go there? I’m just concerned that I don’t want to contact him and it looks like I’m needy and bothering him. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 Again, I would advise you leave it. I think talking about it could make things even more awkward at this point. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lottemarine Posted February 11 Author Share Posted February 11 29 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Again, I would advise you leave it. I think talking about it could make things even more awkward at this point. Yes ok makes sense. Thanks Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 He may have lost respect for you once he found out you were a married woman being interested in him and brazenly letting it be known. I would leave him alone and just go about my work. There was nothing going on between you two anyway. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 11 hours ago, Lottemarine said: The other thing is yes I am married, but I thought it interesting that my marriage is what made him change his mind, not his own. You really do not know what this man was thinking about you and the whole situation, and now it's time for you to just move on. Behave professionally at work, you and he will be able to deal with things you need to work on together if that becomes necessary. Just leave this behind. It was all a misguided fantasy. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 11 hours ago, Lottemarine said: Do you think I should talk to him about it in order to delete it or not go there? I’m just concerned that I don’t want to contact him and it looks like I’m needy and bothering him. What gives you the impression that he kept the email? If I recieved an email like this, I'd be heading straight for the delete button 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lottemarine Posted February 11 Author Share Posted February 11 2 hours ago, basil67 said: What gives you the impression that he kept the email? If I recieved an email like this, I'd be heading straight for the delete button Thanks, yes I can only hope he did the same. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 On 2/10/2025 at 6:04 AM, Lottemarine said: I found out he had a wife, My guess (and it's only a guess) is that his wife found out about his extracurricular activities between you and him and put a stop to it. He probably decided it's not worth taking it any further with you. I think, it a way, he blames you for leading him to stray as he is in a doo-doo house with his wife now (I know, easier to blame you than himself, lol). Who knows, a few month from now he may be back to his flirty, kissing self with you yet again. Either try to fix your own marriage or end it. Leave him alone. You are going down the slippery road. Act professional around him and nothing more unless he is causing some trouble for you by not giving you work info or delaying work that needs to be done. But leave the personal stuff alone. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 1 minute ago, Alvi said: My guess (and it's only a guess) is that his wife found out about his extracurricular activities between you and him and put a stop to it. But ... nothing happened, aside from passionate gazing in the office. But she might have seen the email. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: But ... nothing happened, aside from passionate gazing in the office. But she might have seen the email. Exactly. There really weren't extra-curriculars for the wife to find out about, so to speak. And it's not clear if this man was interested to begin with, or if our OP may have misinterpreted his interactions with her. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lottemarine Posted February 12 Author Share Posted February 12 (edited) 4 hours ago, Alvi said: I think, it a way, he blames you for leading him to stray as he is in a doo-doo house with his wife now (I know, easier to blame you than himself, lol). Who knows, a few month from now he may be back to his flirty, kissing self with you yet again. I think you could be right here, I very much get the feeling in a passive aggressive way. Im not sure about his wife knowing or if it’s his guilt for potentially having feelings, but yes either way it would make sense that he blames me. Edited February 12 by Lottemarine Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lottemarine Posted February 12 Author Share Posted February 12 11 hours ago, basil67 said: What gives you the impression that he kept the email? If I recieved an email like this, I'd be heading straight for the delete button Delete because you’d feel awkward that someone said they were attracted to you? Or the percussions which come with that? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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